Please Read (Social Services)

[Rivah]

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

cowboy you say you don't think op needs anyone to step in? seriously??? course she does! she needs help and support,and fast! mumsnet cant provide that.

Please realise that people aren't telling you to just let DS1 do whatever he wants to DS2, of course you have to protect him.

"I love both of you. I will not allow you to hurt each other." [separate them].

They are both so little and have been through so much. I don't know how much of their father's behaviour and attitude they witnessed before, but they will have been affected by him being so controlling of you. You will have to show them (and yourself) that you are capable. Getting support from social services/GP/CAHMs etc to do so.

He is not his dad. He is a six year old boy in distress whose behaviour you can get professional help with. Don't shut the professionals out. Be honest with them. Tell them that you are frightened and are worried about your elder son hurting his brother, that you need help.

You have been bullied by their father and his family for too long. I know your confidence is in tatters, but its much better to get help from people who will give DS1 the support he needs rather than a relative who has bullied and threatened you who doesn't know what he needs.

Get in contact with social services yourself.

I worded that badly, it was in response to someone who was saying that she should get some friend to come and help.

I did make it clear that op should contact SS and get support this weekend. I suspect some counselling for them all and a parenting course would help.

And please speak to Woman's Aid. Should their dad be released, you do not want to end up in that controlling abusive relationship again. Its the last thing your children need and would be terrible for you.

See what they suggest.

I have had enough now. I am calling someone to come and get the boys because I'm going to end up taking lots of tablets or harming myself I have tried but I can't do this anymore I'm a rubbish mother and the boys are better off without me.

What are you going to say to the children then? Can you please phrase it that it is not them it is you please?

Are you phoning an ambulance for yourself?

The boys are not better off without you. :( You're not a rubbish, you are just struggling at the moment. I know it seems totally impossible but things can and will get better. You can make them better. Please call a helpline, try the Samaritans or the NSPCC please? You have nothing to lose by calling if you already feel so bad.

If your ex was very controlling it makes sense that you are finding it difficult to step up and take control yourself. Women's aid can really help you get over that given more time but it think you need some crisis help just now.

If you really can't cope with the boys, if you are really sure then see if they can go into local authority care rather than to the aunt. She's harmful to them and to you.

And although I'm sure the opposite seems true you are more likely to be able to get them back from ss than from the aunt or someone else who doesn't have to follow strict rules and the law in how they operate.

If you call an ambulance they will involved SS, and your family can get some help.

It is a shame that it has to come about in such a dramatic distructive way to your family. It would have been better had you phoned ss a few hours ago.

Rivah, keep talking to us, if you can.

What's happening with you right now? Try and hold it together for your boys. Please.

The more negatively a child behaves the more love and cuddles they need.

Withdrawing is not gong to get you anywhere.

Cuddling him once is not going to make him feel secure enough to stop the bad behaviour.

Are you really going to take tablets or are you desperate and crying out for some attention? You have already had lots of help and really good advice.

If you let your children go to the aunt you might not get them back.

Do PLEASE call an ambulance if you feel this bad, this way if your children do need to be looked after TEMPORARILY while you get the help you need it will be foster parents and NOT their aunt - do not let this woman have them, tell them you are worried that she is trying to take your children away from you permanently for he wrong reasons (ie on their fathers behalf). You need help - you can't see straight because you are so stressed and its making your childrens behaviour worse, vicious circle - please get help - really worried for you OP. You aren't coping right now but you can and will cope in the future, right now you are playing into your exes hands and his aunt.

Come on now - be brave and pick up the phone - there may be people being harsh here but everyone on this thread is trying to help and support you, thats a lot of support - we will support you every step of the way on here but you need to access real life help and i promise you everything will be much better, it wont be 100% but you'll be able to cope and be he good mum that everyone here can see you are, you are just at he end of your tether.

What's going on just now rivah? Where are the children? Have you managed to speak to anyone?

You need to let social services help you.

If you admit you are struggling but that you want things to improve and you want help they will realise you will be pro active and try and make things better for yourself and your children.

Social Services only take children off their families if it's real the last option from my experience and it's normally if they fear violence/maltreatment. If your son is being aggressive to your other son then he needs some form of behavioural management. Maybe a referral to CAHMS or a behavioural psychologist.

But running away or taking the kids to the aunts isn't going to hep in the slightest. Because running will make the SS think that you are hiding something and taking them to their aunts will mean that you have given up on them and that you think she's an appropriate adult to look after them which from what I have seen you write, is not what you think.

You need to make sure that you contact your GP ASAP.

Is there any family friend who could help out or a school friend that might be able to have DS2?

Rivah, asking for help is a very hard thing to do but you are right to ask for it. Call 999 and tell them how you feel. Someone will come and help you. Please don't take lots of tablets or harm yourself. It sounds like you really are struggling. There is no shame in admitting that you are finding things hard and need help.

Good luck Rivah. I wish you all the best . Please make that call.

Oh Rivah, I promise you I have felt this bad and gotten through it. I can't share my entire story on here as it would out me but please take heart from the fact that you are not alone. 3 years down the line my relationship with my DS is recovered but he doesn't live with me, he lives with the woman who took him. I let her win because my DS was being torn in two and someone had to stop it. Don't let it get that far for you my love.

You aren't a terrible mother, people struggle every day but it feels impossible when there is someone in the background willing you to fail. That is where your problem lies right now. You desperately need support and you must stop thinking of SS as the enemy. If you have them on side the Aunt doesn't have a leg to stand on. It's not easy admitting that you're struggling but it is a million times easier than being petrified every time there is a knock on the door.

I'm sending you strength and hoping you and your boys are ok right now.

Hi, I am guessing you called an ambulance or you have been dealing with more tantrums.

I hope you come back to let us know how you are, I for one am concerned about the welfare of all three of you.

I'm concerned about all three of you too.

It is really bloody unfair that you are the one who has been left to deal with all of this, really unfair. Even more unfair that people who are supposed to help you just pile more shit on you but fair goes out of the window when you have little ones depending on you.

You don't need to come back to this thread but please know I'm trying to help not hurt you, so are many others on this thread. We're advocating for ds1 but we care about you too, we're doing it because we want the best for you as well.

Lots of us have been through similar things and want to give you the benefit of our experience. We can see from outside how things can improve but I for one can see how it might be very difficult for you to improve things yourself or even accept that things can get better.

If you haven't already please ask for some support - women's aid might be best for longer term hel as they are great advocates for women who are scared IME, Samaritans are fab in a crisis, I called them recently, they were brilliant. If you haven't had crisis help and you need it please get it, you need to be as strong as you can be for the children - their world would be destroyed if they lost you.

Was just feeling really low when I posted my last message. I went and cut myself and it made me feel so much better. I am going to take one day at a time

You need help.

Why haven't you called any of the people that can help you? It's so tragic reading this thread and seeing how unable you are to act in your own best interests.

Its distressing.

I feel frustrated at you, and so very sad for you all that you won't contact SS and get some help for you all.

Op look my friend you are struggling
So your kids struggle
It's all understandable, you've got a lot on your plate

So you need the help so your kids get that too

If you don't ASK for that help, it will be forced on you

We all need help sometimes, the brave person ASKS for it

Cutting yourself is not healthy. You are clearly very depressed and suffering. Your kids are also suffering and you need to get help. Once you have some support things
Will start to improve I promise you. I was in s DV relationship and I had a young baby at the time. There was SS and WA involvement and they helped me so much. I got through it and you can too.

I can see how cutting yourself is a short term solution, but you need a long term, safe solution. You know that the long term, safe solution is getting support. And you know that ringing Women's Aid, Social Services, NSPCC or your GP are means of getting support.

Yes, agree with vivacia.