Please Read (Social Services)

[Rivah]

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

He would not be better at his aunt's. He needs you to step up not give up on him. If you need help to do that you need to get it but what you are doing when you withdraw love from him is blaming him for the behaviour which results from your lack of coping and teaching him that you don't love him. It's not fair, it's not his fault he is only 6. Ds2 is not some kind of angel child and ds1 is not a devil, they are both children who are struggling to cope (like you're an adult who is struggling) and acting it out in a normal way, they need you to make things ok for them not be so passive.

Your way isn't working, so try the other way. Acknowledge his fear, make him feel secure. His dad has been taken away because he was naughty, his aunt is trying to take him away. This is all terrifying for a child.

OP, the saying sorry to him worked didn't it, he then cuddled his DB in bed after.

Please trust us when we advise you.

I have had issues with a child who had been abandoned by the Father, my home smashed up, my clothes ripped, beaten up all the things you describe.

I felt all the things you feel now, I wanted to run away and I am ashamed to say three times I got in the car, drove to the next road and sat there for five minutes and came back. Dealing with that behaviour day in day out for a long period of time is horrible.

I kept naming the behaviour and told my child I loved them.

It worked.

Giddy I thought it had worked, but it didn't. Maryzerection he will be better of at his aunts I no longer want him here, I'll have a break down and my children will end up somewhere else, DS2 in hiding behind the settee and doesn't want to speak to me. DS1 purposely waited for him to wake up so he could attack him, which he did. He punched him in his eye, and you'll telling me I must cuddle and tell him that I love him.

It did work as he cuddled his DB after you modelled good behaviour to him.

It is going to take ages Rivah, it will carry on for months and little by little day by day get better. You have to be patient.

It sounds like you are struggling to keep the home safe for the youngst, this is why you need to phone SS. The oldest will not be safe with some odd bod Woman who comes around with a heavy mob taking a child from their Mother, it is not legally or socially acceptable in the UK where your children reside.

SS will get you help keeping the family safe, including you, you need to phone them and phone them now.

You do love him though don't you? You are hacked off at his behaviour, and you tell him this. You cuddle him later when you talk calm about it all and how this behaviour is not on. He is testing you to see if you will punch him in the face again to let him know how it feels.

OP please don't withdraw love. I had very similar outbursts to your son as a child, albeit a slightly older one. I don't want to go into things as it hurts me still to think about it but the situation was similar. The thing that meant the most was that when I'd calm down I'd have a cuddle with my mum, and she helped me access help through CAMHS etc. I knew that no matter what I did or said, she could still love me and help me. This was crucial for rebuilding our relationship as I got older because I knew shed never given up on me and could forgive me as she a,cknpowledged it wasn't 'really me' behaving like that.

Please don't take him to the aunts, show him you love him and ackowlegde you'll help him.

Op.... If this is all happening as you say it is then you help and support

Any friends who can help? A neighbour? You need to seperate the boys

Ok. Your son needs an urgent CAMHS referral, he needs help, you all do. I am begging you not to fall into the trap of punishing your child emotionally by withdrawing affection. Think about it from his perspective, he has seen his Aunt at the door causing a fuss and demanding to take him multiple times, in his mind she is fighting for him ergo she loves him. That's a good feeling for a small boy. He wants that feeling from you, he is testing your love for him in the only way he knows how, what he needs and what will resolve this behaviour is love and security in that love no matter what. He is asking you "do you love me no matter what?" he just doesn't know how to verbalise that. Show him! It will take time, it took months for us, but it will get better as long as your little boy is entirely secure that nothing will ever stop you loving him.

At 7.43 this morning I said this;

^I'm glad to read that update and glad he's reaching out to you, that's really great.

It can be really disheartening when, having been lovely and loving they switch back to being awful though. You probably need to prepare for him doing that because it is one of the coping mechanisms he has learned - the acting out behaviour. I'm guessing you'll all be tired after being up in the night too which might make acting out more likely today.

Some people will judge but occasionally some people will help when ds is having a meltdown. I remember one awful time when dd had a terrible tantrum after school and although she finished at 3.30 we couldn't leave to go home until 5 and I had to call MIL to help with the other 3. Another mum from school stopped, tried to help and gave me a big cuddle, I was so grateful. The judgy people don't understand what's happening with your family, try to ignore them, it is likely they would not be able to cope with all this either.^

One cuddle will not fix this. It's good he reached out to you in the middle of the night because it means he hasn't given up on you yet but there's a long way to go. You need to be consistent in your love and in discipline. You must not remove love, if you do that you are creating more bad behavior.

If you send him to his aunt' he may never forgive you and you will have to be prepared for the possibility of losing him forever IMO.

The boys need some sort if counselling ...you do to. Rather than give in to the bullying aunt and putting your children in the home of someone who is most likely a bad influence, take control and contact ss or the gp! Your children need their mother and quite frankly you need to step up. There is no sense blaming for the bad behaviour when its a result of the confusion and drama in their lives. They need their mum to support them and show them love. Do you have any friends? I read that your partner stopped you seeing them, but surely if you called one now and explained, they may be if help?

I disagree I don't think OP needs someone to step in, this has to be OP doing this, she has been controlled and given away decisions for too long as it is. This will be the making of you OP, it was me. Rubbish up brining and emotionally abusive ex.

You have not been taught things that others are taught at children and you need to learn it all now.

Boundaries are very important as is self worth and you could do with some belief in yourself and you could do with giving your children some belief in you.

All your children have been taught is that you are useless, you show them, the MH team showed them before you are pathetic, their Dad showed them and now the Aunt is showing them. You show them you can stand up to the Aunt and you show them you love them, and that the rubbish behaviour you have taken before from people will not continue, even from them.

You take change and you phone SS and ask for help, you don't need to be sectioned you don't need to cut yourself, you are a Mum and you can do this.

OP, I did it myself, I did it with the help of a private education psychologist who worked with the family. I had nobody grabbing children taking them to live with them, I made a massive change and we are all the better for it, you can do it too.

You need to listen rivah. One cuddle at three am is not going to "fix" him.

You cannot withdraw love as a punishment.

You cannot punish a child by withdrawing love.

does saying it either way make you understand?

Because you cannot do this to a six year old. You cannot withdraw your love from him to punish him for what he has done.

Withdraw toys. Withdraw priviledges. But not love.

And you can not expect anyone to say any magic words or wave a wand and make this better overnight.

Its going to take a lot of hard work, consistency, love and reassurance to work.

So ffs cuddle your six year old. He is behaving like this because of how you are treating him whilst he struggles with his life and family. The sooner you understand this the better.

You have had such good advice on this thread, please try and listen to people who have been where you are.

My dd is 14 and has done some appalling things to me, physical attacks, name calling, the lot. There are reasons behind it and I never lose sight of them.

I can sometimes, head off an attack by saying I love you and offering a hug.

It's really, really hard, you swallow your pride for want of a better word. You accept their apology when you want to scream. You tell them you hate the behaviour but you will always, always love them.

I had counselling to help me, I'm not saying it's easy, please get the ball rolling for some help as soon as this weekend is over.

FFS these are your children - both of them! You need to fix this, not run away.

Is anyone here agreeing with you? Can you not see maybe that indicates you are wrong with the way you are dealing with the situation?

how are things rivah

This thread is so shocking and sad. I hope that the Aunty has phoned social services because you need support and help. I can't believe that you think with holding love from your 6 year old is the right thing to do. I actually think it's a form of abuse - honestly I do. Poor kid. I think he should go to his Aunts, at least he will get some affection and feel secure.

Why is his aunt such a bad person? She looked after him before, what changed? Or is it just her connection to your ex that's the problem?

I realise you are having a tough time and not coping. But it's your job as a mother to put your child first and quite frankly I think your behaviour is disgusting.

I'm so proud of you for calling the police on your Aunt. Consider that a major WIN!

That child is terrified he's going to lose you, his only real emotional security. You are scared too and it is escalating out of control. You are so, so special to your kids but so abused yourself that you can't see it.

Hug him, tell him you love him and repeat. Do it again, and again and again.

If your children go to their Aunt's you have NO guarantee that she will be allowed to keep them by the authorities - they are more likely to end up in foster care Tuesday morning! Her behavior this weekend is effectively proving that she isn't able to look after them, as she is emotionally abusing them. Don't let them go to complete strangers outside your area.

Please follow through and dial 999 if she turns up again. She's left your child so distressed he's trashed the house. The police WILL take that seriously and be on YOUR side.

Call the emergency out of hours GP service if you have to.

Not only can you do this, you can do it, and come out the other side with your family intact and your self-esteem restored.

Here's a link to the NSPCC's advice on positive parenting.

You could call the NSPCC for some advice and support on 0808 800 5000 too.

OP, can you think about it this way.

You are scared, in a terrible situation and trying really hard to do the right thing but sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing is.

You've had two main sorts of responses on this thread, one calm, reasoned, helpful advice, and the other being comments like "This isn't real" and "Maybe the children would be better off with the aunt".

Which ones are making you feel better and stronger and like you can do the right thing?

Your son is the same - he may be a child behaving badly, but he's also a person who is struggling with some really, really big issues and things which are totally out of his control and that he doesn't really understand. He is better (not totally, but better) able to do the right thing when he's given support and love - that's why you saw the momentary lapse when he hugged his brother.

Yes, he has reverted to his previous destructive behaviour this morning and maybe that makes it difficult for you to give him any kind of positive attention or feedback, but you must even if you have to fake it - it is so critical. He's in a very very dark and hurting place at the moment and the only way he will come out of that place is slowly, starting with small gestures a long way apart (like the cuddle) - slowly, slowly, with patience and love they will start to become more and more frequent and the destructive behaviour less and less.

You would hear all this from a behaviour specialist if you can get the support of one - I really hope so. In the meantime try to keep the boys apart as much as you can for the sake of the one being attacked.

BertieBotts is spot on there, do you like being spoken to by the harsh posters or the supportive posters? You Son will feel the same way, he will want to be spoken to in a supportive way, look at the two styles that have been modelled to you and copy it when communicating with your DS.

Excellent post by Bertie