please help me

[iambigfatmess]

I went and saw myfamily today for four hours haven't seen them since Christmas dh has gone mad. He is so cpntrolling. I can't do this any more I want toleave but he says I will loose dc

Happy New Life OP!!
Remember, - I've been where you are right now, I started doubting myself by this stage - it was WORSE than you can re-call, you are NOT mad/crazy/unhinged fleeing with your children and YOU are amazing.
Take stock and get some legal advice today. Tell them EVERYTHING no matter how embarrassing it is, he was the one who should be worried about his future right now. I bet he's crapping himself, you know 'where the bodies are buried' so to speak. You hold all the power now.

It might also be a good idea to give your work a phone and speak to your manager - if you haven't already done so. You'll need to leave there in good odour and they must be wondering what is happening (indeed, he may have been on the phone to them) so just clearing the lines would be a good thing.

Just want to wish you strength OP, please don't go back today, talk to women's aid, police, your family, solicitor etc and tell them how you have been treated, how he has behaved before and since you've escaped. Even tell them how scared you are off what will happen unless you go back, but don't get in that car and start the drive. Your new, happy, in control life starts today. Stay strong and stay where you are.

Hope your family are being supportive. What are they advising you to do and saying about all of this.

OP - I can't use your nickname, it does not describe the woman I'm reading about - I was going to post my admiration and support, but then thought I do have a bit of advice for you.

Please find a way of keeping all the fantastic advice you've had so far. Print the thread out and highlight advice or copy and paste it, whatever suits you. Don't lose it. Also keep the posts that explain and predict his behaviour and likely tactics. This is stuff gained through bitter experience and will help you to know what to expect.

Lastly keep all the lovely messages of support, encouragement and admiration. You are some woman!!

And MN - once again I'm in awe of all the lovely people there are on here.

Do not go back. He doesn't control you any more: he is an angry man, and now he is a long way away.

Others have already given you lots of practical and wonderful advice; speak to Women's Aid, speak to the police, listen to them, but don't listen to him. I understand you've been conditioned to listen to him and think he's in charge, but he isn't: he just wants to surround himself with people he can control.

Stay where you are and stay tough. I think you're incredible.

You are amazing. How brave you are to do this for yourself and your dcs.

Who does this inadequate, ineffectual bully think he is? Ordering you home like you belong to him?

He is a blustering buffoon. Think about what you know about him. He is absolutely shitting himself that the world is about to find out his secret - that he is the worst kind of bully, the lowest of the low.

You have so much power right now, and he knows it. That's why he's phoning you over and over. The pathetic actions of a panicking tyrant who knows the game is up.

He is laughable, and you are admirable.

Don't forget OP youhave had years of him undermining you & dictating every move. It makes you question your own sanity & judgement. That'swhat emotional abuse does to you, and your perspective of what is right and "normal" is skewed, thanks to him.

You deserve better, and the children certainly do. You have been incredibly brave, keep safe & look to your future of freedom!!

Agreeing with all those saying to ignore him and don't go back.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE NOW, NOT HIM!!!!

He is throwing his toys out of the pram because you have shown him how strong you can be and he doesn't like it one little bit - he much prefers you at home under his control.

Well done OP

Haven't gone back he is ringing repeatedly have spoken briefly to a solicitor who has contacted him

Well done you!! He is obviously in a complete panic. Stay strong. You are fantastic.

Hope the solicitor was helpful and that your h will realise you are serious now the solicitor has contacted him.
Stay strong!

Oh thank goodness - I saw you'd updated, and was dreading reading you'd turned around and gone back. I've been thinking about you all day.

He is just a little voice coming out of a phone now; he is a long way away. I'm glad the solicitor's dealing with him: that was quick work.

I think you're fantastic.

Yay to getting the solicitor! Well done, I think you are fantastic too!

OP could I suggest you change your username? You're not a big fat mess. You're a wonderful brave woman. You need a username to reflect that

Hopefully the solicitor will point out to him that 40 calls in ten minutes is harassment.

You have done brilliantly OP.

Have my first Easter Bunny emoticon

Are your DC OK?

Fantastic news.

OP you have honestly done the bravest thing you will ever do, and you need to take one quiet minute to fully digest that. Once you realise how unbelievably courageous you have already been, you will find that it fuels further courage. It's a funny thing but it works.

Take a moment, put aside your fears and any worries, and just whisper "well done me" to yourself.

In awe x

Very pleased you've spoken to a solicitor - makes it really real

Right now you just need to do what you can to make it through the days.
But... at some point, it would benefit you greatly if you could get in touch with Womens Aid.
They can help you with advice on benefits, legal, housing etc....
You can also do their 'freedom programme'.

I'm so very glad you go away. That was a major step. In fact, lots of steps. You will want to step back every now and then due to how you have been conditioned by him.
But make sure your family know everything and help keep you away from him.

Well done. Feels odd to say - but so so proud of you!

So amazed at your strength!!! Fantastic. Was crying thinking of your daughter smiling about leaving.

Well done x x x

What an amazing and brave woman! Best of luck to you and DC!

Well done! Stay strong, we are all supporting you- you have done the right thing x

OP, you've done so well in such a short space of time. Can I suggest you change your NN to StrongProudandFree .

I'm hoping that your courage will inspire other women who are struggling with DV/EA to make the break to a new life.

Just read this whole thread, I am so relieved you are away, safe and taking steps to ensure it stays that way. StrongProudFree (as OP should now be called) you have done so brilliantly.

You are saving your children from a totally broken idea of what relationships should be. I grew up in a home with an emotionally distant father, nothing anywhere close to abusive like your H, and just that was enough to wreck all my relationships till my late 30s. You are saving your son from the confusion and shame of not being able to be tender or generous in relationships which then inevitably fail, and your daughter from becoming the victim of another abuser.

The whole of Mumsnet is willing you on. Do you have real life support too?

Stay strong OP. He will try to undermine you - use the prat mobile as I previously mentioned and switch him off. Your solicitor can help you - with us as back up!!! So pleased you took the first big step!