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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me

258 replies

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:40

I went and saw myfamily today for four hours haven't seen them since Christmas dh has gone mad. He is so cpntrolling. I can't do this any more I want toleave but he says I will loose dc

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Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:09

He has the passports locked away I am not allowed a key. I would have to steal his key I am so so tired

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Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:10

Can you face doing the things that Bogey suggested? Is he at work tomorrow? Can you start planning? Is your job something you can do somewhere else?

Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:10

I hear the kids repeating things he says. Like you weren't very good at school. I have a degree fgs

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Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:11

I have an hour in the morning to pack some clothes anddisdissappear

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Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:12

I think you know it is time to make a move. It is not normal to have passports locked away or to belittle you.

cozietoesie · 16/04/2014 00:16

I'm not surprised you're desperately tired - it must have been exhausting dealing with all of this over many years.

You can do it, though - lots of people on this board have been faced with bad situations and came out on the other side so you're not alone.

Can you face talking right now or do you need a couple of hours of rest? (I'm guessing actual sleep won't be so easy. Where is he at the moment?)

Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:17

I know but so scared of the fallout

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Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:19

I don't know mind in a whirl if I do nothing till he is away for two at the end of the month can take more stuff but don't want to stay.

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Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:19

He is in bed

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cozietoesie · 16/04/2014 00:20

Any fallout won't be worse than living in fear for the next umpty years of your life - and having the kids grow up thinking that the way you're treated is normal.

Bogeyface · 16/04/2014 00:20

Thats good, he will not get the kids he just wants to frighten you into staying.

You dont need to steal his key, dont worry about that. There is a court order you can apply for as soon as you escape him that means that he cannot take the children out of the country and can be forced to surrender the passports.

If you need to leave work then so be it. You can claim benefits to support you and the children until you are all sufficiently recovered for you to work again.

Womens Aid can access you support and a refuge, or if you would rather go to your family then they can help you formulate an escape plan. If you can, squirrel away any cash you can get hold of. Post the paperwork to your parents, ask them not to open the envelope but to keep it safe.

Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:20

The fallout will be ugly but afterwards there is another life waiting for you and your kids. You deserve that!

Bogeyface · 16/04/2014 00:22

Sorry, missed your update.

How will you travel to your parents? How come you only have an hour? Could you fill a bag now and stick it behind the sofa or in the garden so you can just grab it and go? Would he wake if he heard you moving about?

Sorry for the questions, just trying to work out the best way for you to do this.

Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:23

Have to sleep now as early morning tomorrow. Hope you can get a bit of sleep.

Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:24

Can he dictate where I live

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makemineapinot · 16/04/2014 00:24

Use that hour and go. If you can take some of the paperwork that bogey face mentioned then do so, if not, leave it. Clothes can be replaced and are not your priority. Leave. As soon as he leaves the house book a taxi to the train station or get in the car. So scary, but oh, the relief you will feel. Do not let this man abuse you any longer. There are so many lovely supportive people here and go to who can help you - family or friends, if there is no one then women's Aid. Stay strong and good luck.

NeedAdvice2014 · 16/04/2014 00:26

Hi OP. Please do take this opportunity to take action. Your H is abusive and you and DCs deserve better, so much better. Don't even think about putting your family out, when they know what has been going on they will be delighted you will be with them. You have made the first move by telling us here, it gets easier from now.

A couple of days ago I was on the receiving end of an abusive relationship. I posted on here, got advice and support and took action. Mumsnetters were with me and helped me do what was needed to protect myself and DCs. I am here for you.

Bogeyface · 16/04/2014 00:27

No he cant. Especially not if you have logged domestic abuse.

But that isnt the issue now, that is something to worry about after you have escaped.

Right now, we need to get you out of there. Above all else, act natural. I know you are jumpy and frightened but if he picks up on that then he may well scupper your plans. I remember the same MNer that wrote down the phone number who was all set to escape when he was at work posted that he had decided not to work that day. He knew something was up. Try if you can to not arouse his suspicions. Willl he be up in the morning before you leave?

makemineapinot · 16/04/2014 00:27

No he can't. Where are u? He can apply for a prohibitive steps order to stop you taking the dc out of the jurisdiction of the English and Welsh courts - exh did this to me but I got a barrister who told the court that as an EU citizen I had the right to live wherever I wanted within the EU - we were only going to Scotland! Judge denied his application within minutes. Deal with that later. Leave then sort out paperwork. There are people who can help you.

Bogeyface · 16/04/2014 00:28

Where abouts in the UK are you? I am happy to help if I am anywhere near you.

Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:29

I have an hour as he will ring me at work as he always does and realise I am not there

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Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:30

I am in a big city in Wales.

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Original poster
iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:31

Thank you all so much for posting. So so scared and pathetic but can't walk on egg shells any longer.

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NeedAdvice2014 · 16/04/2014 00:31

No of course he can't. But you need to try to put longer term issues to one side and concentrate on the priority, getting you and DCs out. Don't worry about passports for now. When is the hour you can get away?

cozietoesie · 16/04/2014 00:32

An hour is enough to get out of there - and he would have to come back home as well. You can manage it.

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