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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please help me

258 replies

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:40

I went and saw myfamily today for four hours haven't seen them since Christmas dh has gone mad. He is so cpntrolling. I can't do this any more I want toleave but he says I will loose dc

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/04/2014 22:46

I'm so pleased that you're safe, OP.

cozietoesie · 16/04/2014 22:52

Try and make a solicitor's appointment tomorrow if you can. The sooner you have someone at your back to help you on this one, the better.

How are the DCs doing? And are your family being supportive?

makemineapinot · 16/04/2014 23:10

Well said yet again bogeyface - more great advice. He will try to use every trick in the book, but you have a huge advantage as between us all the force of mumsnet has been there, heard it and survived it and we can help you through the web of lies and bullshit. Hope you sleep well tonight!

NeedAdvice2014 · 16/04/2014 23:23

Great news OP. Hope your family are giving you and DCs the love and comforting you deserve. You are amazing.

makemineapinot · 16/04/2014 23:28

atbeckandcall it kept me sane! Learned thru hard experience unfortunately but all came good in the end!

Lookingforfocus · 17/04/2014 00:27

Congratulations OP on finding your true self despite all his abuse and having the courage to love and care for yourself and your children xxxx

iambigfatmess · 17/04/2014 01:12

Thank you all so much he says we have to return first thing tomorrow. He rang forty times in 10 minutes
.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 17/04/2014 01:16

Just because he says so, doesn't make it so. And you do not have to answer when he calls. It's perfectly ok to turn the phone off. Get some sleep, and talk very carefully with your family tomorrow; maybe even go to Women's Aid where you are... or refuge. Men sometimes get so used to people doing what they want when they get angry, that everyone around them starts making allowances and they do get their way more than they should. You are breaking that pattern, and he does not like it. That does NOT mean you have to go back. He will probably be angry, yes, but that does not have to change what you do. You get to decide that.

MrsCakesPremonition · 17/04/2014 01:20

Perhaps you should switch off your phone now and try and get some sleep.

You don't have to do anything he says.

yoyo27 · 17/04/2014 01:26

What have you told your family? What have they said? I really hope you aren't considering going back OP xx

Bogeyface · 17/04/2014 03:00

He can say that the sky has to be purple tomorrow, doesnt mean that it will happen.

YOU have the control now. YOU get to decide. No one in their right mind would think that calling someone 40 times in ten minutes is normal, this is further proof that he is unhinged and abusive.

Please do not, for any reason, go back. If you do then what you have lived through so far will be a picnic compared to the punishment he will deal out to you for daring to defy him. Stay away, stay strong and be the good thing in your childrens lives.

You wont have to do it for long, once he realises you mean it he will move on to another victim. I feel sorry for her :(

merlehaggard · 17/04/2014 03:18

Stay strong OP. Glad you are safe. Bless you bogeyface and others for being so nice. I have no experience so nothing to add but my best wishes but so glad that there are such caring and helpful people on here.

Purpleknickers · 17/04/2014 04:24

Well done OP for having the strength to get away, I am a regular lurker and lots of people on here have experience to advise you about everything you need to do from here.
Is there a way you could block his number on your phone? It may just take some of the pressure off you. I'm very glad you and your DC's are safe now well done

BitOutOfPractice · 17/04/2014 05:38

Another woman here cheering you on. Well done. So glad you're safe.

You know why he's threatening you now? Ringing 40 times? Because he's panicking. That he's lost control. That YOU now have control over yours and the DCs' lives. And he won't like that. Because all if a sudden it shows him up to be the snivelling pathetic excuse for a man that he is. Like bogey says, he'll turn on the tears next. Promise to change. Maybe verb threaten to harm himself. Don't fall for it. It's just another tactic to reassert control and get what he wants.

Stay strong and stay safe

thekitchenfairy · 17/04/2014 05:47

So glad you are safe. Well done OP today is your first day of freedom, the first day of the life you want to have.

headlesslambrini · 17/04/2014 06:43

Just keeping telling yourself that you are finally safe. That is worth more than anything he can throw at you now. Keep your phone off till you have a new number. Get a solicitor, text the details to him and say that all contact has to go through them from now on. Get your DCs registered in a new school as soon as you can. Give yourself one task to do a day - it will help to build your confidence up again and let you to be in charge of your own destiny.

And can I just say again how amazing you are!!

imblet · 17/04/2014 07:01

I have nothing to add other than more support. Congratulations OP, you are an amazing and brave woman. I salute you.
Yet again I marvel at the wonder that is Mumsnet.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 17/04/2014 07:06

Well done -'now stay strong

Lookingforfocus · 17/04/2014 07:07

If he is image concious he may try everything he can to maintain the facade of a happy family life, so he will strenuously try and force you to return, by threats, emotional blackmail or any legal means he thinks will be in his arsenal. Definitely see a solicitor immmediately, as others have said one recommended by your local Women's Aid.

What do you family know? Are they supporting you emotionally? I am so relieved you got away and you and the children are safe.

I don't know enough about DV. Will he attempt to drive where you are and grab the kids? Can there be some kind of protection order in place so that is not possible? He may believe that is the way to get your compliance.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 17/04/2014 07:18

You've made the break, now you need to maintain it and keep yourself and your DCs safe. I guarantee that if you go back to him now, he will make your life a living hell and it will be much more difficult to leave next time. Do NOT talk to him on the phone - give yourself some headspace. Maintain "radio silence" for the time being, until you've discussed legalities and such with a solicitor.

Any threats from him need to be reported to the police immediately. And you need to see a solicitor to find out how best to protect yourself and the DCs.

Loveleopardprint · 17/04/2014 07:31

Morning OP hope you got some sleep. There is some great advice on here. Do you have somebody to help you with making appointments etc.

Just take some time to be kind to yourself. You were so brave yesterday and you should be very proud of yourself.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 17/04/2014 07:43

Well done OP!

There are some things you need to do ASAP, and some things that can wait.

Get the foot he stamped on seen by a doctor and logged as domestic violence with your local DVU. That immediately gets you legal aid and his local Force will pay him a visit.

Make sure the male members of your family don't do anything foolish. Seriously. Get them to show your DS that real men aren't bastards. He's going to need proper male role models, men who can show kindness without seeming weak, and authority without rage. I bet your Ex taught him that the finer feelings were wimpy and girly, didn't he?

For later: you mentioned he'd done something and you knew what it was. I'm guessing mortgage or credit fraud, using you as co-signatory and misreporting your joint income. If it is, the financial institution has copies. Report it to their fraud unit, tell them you were under duress or undue influence. This has two benefits: it gives him something to occupy his spare time, and it stops him reporting you. Never ever underestimate the potential for an angry twat to take vengeance against his own interests.

The rest of it: solicitor, prohibited steps, criminal harassment if then phone calls and texts go over a reasonable limit (2. Yes really).

Courage

Coconutty · 17/04/2014 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 17/04/2014 07:47

I hope you had at least a little sleep.

Now is the time for you to be pretty careful because you might be starting to think 'Did I do the right thing, was it really that bad, etc etc......'

Yes. You did just the right thing - and it was bad. Very bad.

Try to get a solicitor's appointment today - use your friends' or family's help if you're coming over all wobbly at all. There's nothing like being able to say 'Talk to my solicitor' if accusations and threats start being flung around - and they'll likely come. People don't give up on victims easily. (40 times in 10 minutes? )

Keep going and try to remember to eat and to take care of yourself and the DCs. We're all here if you need to talk.

SweetSilverSongOfALark · 17/04/2014 07:49

Well done op! Hope you got some sleep too xx

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