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Original poster

Last straw - Married Man - TMI

572 replies

heartshaped · 15/04/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

OP posts:
dulldeirdre1 · 15/04/2014 22:13

ffs, give the poor woman a break. A lot of you on here appear to be getting 'off' on the anal sex business. She needs support not ridicule.

ormirian · 15/04/2014 22:14

You could of course try the ultimate throw of the dice by informing his wife. At some point he would have had to if he planned to leave her so you are pre-empting that. And his hand would be forced. One way or the other. Drastic and messy, but affairs are by their very nature quite messy.

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 22:16

But she won't help herself. She's with a married man - not using protection etc and she decides to come on a site dominated by women for a pat on the back.

Partridge · 15/04/2014 22:22

Heartshaped I cannot believe quite how self-piteous you are on here. I absolutely don't agree with witch-hunting the ow, but you haven't once mentioned his kids, or the impact your behaviour may have on them.

It seems all about you. The betrayal if my dh had had anal sex with someone and came back to my bed is utterly heartbreaking to even imagine. Try and have some empathy for his family, leave him alone and go and get some help.

You seem to feel like you have some claim to him because he is feeding you some crappy, cliched lines - you don't. He needs to resolve his marriage and you really and truly need to leave them all be and work on your self worth. I hope his wife realises what an absolute dick her husband is.

I just hope something of what has been said penetrates with you but I fear you will capitulate when you hear some more crappy declarations of love from this loser. Stop fantasising and start growing up and getting a sense of reality.

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 22:23

I have not come on here for a 'pat on the back'. Tell me in which of my posts I give you that impression?

I don't intend to inform his wife, that is for him to decide.

Thank you Viv, Purple, dull. I'm still listening very carefully.

OP posts:
Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 22:23

I'm afraid someone else nailed it on the head. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't be with his wife. It really is that simple. You are being used by him and you should value yourself to be better than that.

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 22:26

Partridge - no I have not mentioned his kids. Things can't really get any worse for me on here so I may as well tell you that I have deeply compartmentalised both his wife and children. I don't think about them at all. I would love to imagine them as real people and be able to empathise and am probably deeply damaged that I can't.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 15/04/2014 22:28

If want to be with him then you need to think about his kids.

Again - how old are they?

ormirian · 15/04/2014 22:28

Ok, then you need to make it very clear that you won't tolerate any more messing about. Until he tells his wife he wants a divorce, you and he are not going to have sex, see or even talk to each other. Tell him what you want and stick to it. He isn't going to do anything if he is given the choice to procrastinate.

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 22:28

It is ALL about you OP. Fuck the woman he married or his two kids. You don't seem to care that you are his whore. You deserve more but make excuse after excuse for that arsehole. Poor innocent you OP

MissFruits · 15/04/2014 22:29

Just throwing it out there but maybe you should consider counselling? It make help you get your head straight, you would get a non bias opinion aswell. I might help you realise you deserve more. Forgetting this mans wife, how on earth could you have any respect for someone who could hurt their children like this? Plus you seem to want to punish yourself by coming on a site where you are going to get a flaming. Pretty sure there are more sympathetic to your situation forums to post on.
Maybe you have some issues?
Also something to remember, just because someone desires you does not mean they value you

CoffeeTea103 · 15/04/2014 22:30

You should feel gutted and being used is definitely your own fault. I just can't get my head around how you can go on knowing he has a whole family. Sorry but this will not end well, and you should know that what goes around does come again Hmm

Preciousbane · 15/04/2014 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jonicomelately · 15/04/2014 22:31

Honestly, you do have the strength to move on from this. Just shut him out of your life and do it for good. You will be happier on your own or with someone who won't sneak back to his marital bed in the middle of the night. You deserve so much better than this relationship. Speaking as somebody who has a loving partner and a healthy, happy relationship, what you have is poisonous and destructive and definitely not real love. Think of all the good ones you've passed on to be with this waste of oxygen.

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 22:32

I'm done on here. You don't think about his wife but you should because you are helping to destroy her family and if you do get to keep that weak willed arsehole you will probably be her one day!

Partridge · 15/04/2014 22:33

Ok heartshaped. You are at rock bottom and have come here for advice. Maybe now is the time to de compartmentalise them - they do exist whether you like it or not.

Do you have kids? Try to imagine them finding out that their father is leaving them and their mother. Give them faces to their names. Try and employ a bit of empathy. He may be an absolute cock to his wife, but he may actually love his kids and be a good enough father. You are depriving his kids of their father (although I kind of hope his dw finds out what is happening so that she can deal with him however she sees fit).

I worry that the shame of what has just happened will wear off and you will be back to business as usual. But this is fantasy and you are behaving like an addict. This can't end well.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/04/2014 22:33

And I don't think the op is the victim here, with all this 'he's a waste of space' talk. He is not making her do anything she isn't willingly indulging in herself. But it's typical to blame someone else and go the poor, victim route. Disgusting the pair of you.

CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease · 15/04/2014 22:36

She's compartmentalised his wife and kids because it's easier to pretend they don't exist. Me and my beautiful 3 week old DD1 didn't exist to the 19 year old telling my husband he should leave us. We were nothing to her. He didn't leave. It was really only when she asked him to leave that he realised what he'd lose and the zero morals of the 'woman' who would 'replace' me.
He was a douche, yes, but it's a real piece of work who tries to actively break up a family.
Poor you, OP. You just have no idea, do you.

jonicomelately · 15/04/2014 22:40

I'm sorry but any man who has unprotected anal sex with his mistress then sneaks back off home to sleep with his wife is a waste of oxygen. That fact in no way minimises the op's terrible behaviour.

Melonbreath · 15/04/2014 22:54

If he loved you he would leave his wife. He doesn't love you, he loves having you. Not the same thing.

badbaldingballerina123 · 15/04/2014 22:58

What an awful distressing thread.

Op there are message boards at I village that are solely for those involved in an affair. They may be worth a read if you haven't already. Your right when you say there's a script for affairs , there's also a script for you , and its not a pleasant one.

Many people in your shoes follow the same script. They have poor boundaries and get involved with a married man. They want to feel desired and loved. They compete with the spouse. They end up where you are , feeling used and upset. They often had low self esteem and self worth to begin with , and what once was the source of happiness quickly becomes the source of intense pain.

Many describe suicidal feelings. They don't know how to get out of it , they are addicted . For whatever reason it ends , and the love they once felt towards their affair partner is often transformed into intense hatred. On one board alone there are several posters who are angry , they feel the affair has ruined their lives , that they've been taken advantage of. They often toy with the idea of telling the spouse , for revenge , ie , why should he get away with it.

There is rarely a happy ending. Possibly a read of those sites might give you a different perspective. You possibly had issues before you met mm and I don't mean that in a horrid way. There is a reason you chose this course of action that was only ever going to cause you pain.

DirtySkirtings · 15/04/2014 23:00

He did it on purpose to put you back in your box, OP, you know that.

Sex and good times, but not love, or respect. Making you feel worthless, ashamed.

I don't know why this subtley abusive behaviour surprises you when he's been doing the same to his W for the duration of the affair.

It's flip sides of the same coin, he's enjoyed getting one over on her and now it's your turn.

Perhaps when you know your behaviour is shameful but you can't face yourself and take responsibility for your own actions, this is where you end up.

Making two women feel worthless so you can bolster your own inadequacies.

Do you really want a man like that?

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 23:04

That is very helpful DS. Thanks Partridge

OP posts:
Pinkballoon · 15/04/2014 23:06

There are 2 children and a (probably) unsuspecting wife here. The havoc that could now be wreaked on those two children's lives is unspeakable. And for what?

Alchemist · 15/04/2014 23:19

PreciousBaneIt's the first time I've met someone who has read the book! I'm going to find it and read again; must have been nearly 20 years.

I've seen your name and immediately think of the lovely Virago covers :)