Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

It is hard to say the OP deserves better when she chose to sleep with a married man and hasn't finished things even when he has made her feel like crap, and not for the first time.

The person who deserves better is his wife who quite probably has no idea her husband is shagging at least one other woman.

Just some perspective from a child, now grown up, who has been badly affected by father's affairs and divorce from age of about 7. I witnessed so much s*. DM also told me pretty much every detail including her planned suicide, (after the event and she bottled out). Do I have an evil mother? No, I have a mother who couldn't cope with her husbands ongoing infidelity and was totally in love with him and could not cope with her world crashing down around her. I was there - wrong place at the wrong time. Both my parents remarried but my dad did not marry his OW, but has been faithful to his second wife for nearly 30 years. He is a different man and deeply regrets what he did through an unstable period in his life, and spends his life helping others to make up for it. My mum, in my opinion is still damaged (has been on anti- depressants on and off) and so am I, andit takes me a very long time to trust a partner. It also damaged my relationship with my father as I refused to see him for several years, had councilling, etc. I also gave his new wife a VERY hard time and treated her like she was the OW. I do have a positive relationship with my dad now but it is hardly close, and I also find it difficult to relate to my mum after what she put me through (even though I rationally know it was her semi- breakdown that caused it).

I just thought I should put an example out there to try and show that multiple people's lives may be affected. Yes, agreed the DH should have responsibility for keeping it in his pants, but that would be easier to do if no woman ever encouraged or responded to attention from a man they know is married. Who knows that if the OW had rebuked my dad, that his crisis phase would have passed and I would have a very different story to tell now.

I think the OP has taken a bit of a harsh battering to be honest. Generally, if a man or woman strays, it is because there is something fundamentally wrong in their relationship. Of course, having an affair isn't going to fix it, and an honest, kind, sincere person would either end the relationship or look to counselling etc, rather than start up with someone else. But I don't think it is right to blame the OW, she is not the one with a husband and kids, she has simply fallen for a man who at best has been less than honest with her (otherwise why hasn't he already left his wife) and at worst has used and abused her emotionally and physically. I say abused physically, because even though the sex has been consensual, the basis for that physical intimacy has been based on lies and deceit. OP- I think you have recognised that you need to leave him, even if just while he is sorting out his relationship. In 6 months to a year, if he has finished with his wife and spent some time on his own, then perhaps you can look to rekindle the relationship if its what you still both want. If not, would it have lasted anyway?

I feel for the op. She sounds very sad, very alone, very desperate.

But clearly, she put herself quite deliberately in this position. She decided she wanted a relationship with this married guy, she kids herself that he is her kindred spirit, blah di blah, she kids herself that he is loving and attentive - evidence suggests that he is not.

She has now decided that she wants more. She wants him to leave his wife - she's decided she'll do what it takes to get him - she'll shag him in ways she doesn't want to, so she can win him from his wife.

She is in a lose-lose situation. If he does leave his wife, she knows that every time he contacts his wife, he could be shagging her. If he doesn't leave her...she's just stuck in this interminable waiting.

It's not what I'd want for my daughter, and I would be gutted if she was stupid enough, and lacked the self knowledge, to put herself into this situation.

Only someone with 'issues' with women would do this to another woman over a prolonged period of time.

Generally, if a man or woman strays, it is because there is something fundamentally wrong in their relationship. - That should be true, Suzanne, but more commonly the 'something wrong' in the relationship is an unfaithful partner.

do this to another woman - I'm more concerned about what she's doing to herself, tbh, John. The person who's 'doing this' to the wife is the husband.

... and, yeah, I guess he does have 'issues with women'.

She isn't screwing his wife over directly, but she is a willing enough collaborator.

suzanne in that case surely the wife is suffering physical abuse, assuming they are still having consensual sex, this is based on lies and deceit? Again, she has no choice. OP does. The OP is also complicit in the wife suffering this physical abuse.

I'd say at a minimum if this is going to continue, OP should tell the wife so she can at least make informed choices and not fuck her husband who just had his dick in someone else's arse

I also disagree that there is necessarily fundamentally something wrong in the marital relationship. Some people are just cheating cunts.

op I hope you are still reading. Setting aside his mistreatment of you for the moment, how can you love and respect a man who can do this to his wife? That is two women who he is treating as less than they deserve. Do you truly believe that his disrespect for women will change if he leaves his wife? He is dishonest, abusive, cruel (wants an affair in the marital bed) - so why do you want him?

In 5 years, do you want to be in his wife's position? Possibly putting more DC through it? I strongly suggest you save yourself the time and the heartache. It will be easier in the long run.

Did he come over and fuck you up the arse again, last night OP?

I feel for the op. She sounds very sad, very alone, very desperate.

Not half as sad, alone and desperate his wife is going to feel when all of this comes out. And his wife didn't ask for this did she, the OP is fully aware of the fact she's sleeping with a married man but still continues.

OP - I wonder if you have any idea of how it feels to have your life pulled out from under you in this way? Or how it feels to have to go for STI testing as you have no idea who your husband has been sleeping with. I wonder if you can even begin to understand what it feels like to realise the life you have been living for weeks, months, years...was all a fucking great big lie and the man who told you he loved you was actually shagging some daft bint down the road when he was telling you he had to go away with work.

And just to dispel the 'my wife doesn't understand me and we never sleep together' myth....my ex husband fed this hook, line and sinker to his mistress. Must have been a terrible shock for her to find out I was pregnant when he finally left me. Slept with us both, right up to the (bitter) end. Took years before I could laugh but I tell you sweetheart, it's not the mistress who came out of this OK some 6 years down the line.

We reap what we sow. You've got what you deserve. Congratulations.

Does anyone who gets involved with a married man expect no pain and fully commitment? Really? It is asking to be used and abused. And she had CHOSEN it. If, before you embark on a relationship, mm says he will leave his wife, then wait for that to happen. Where is the basic moral of 'treat others as you would want to be treated'. If OW would be very happy to think of her DH having intimate relations with another woman then maybe I see the logic. If not it is very amoral. I also dont think men who have affairs have a fundamental issue with their relationship although I am sure that makes the OW feel better to think that. Some men are just tempted by excitement and novelty and like sex. All couples have low patches within a long committed relationship and working through it makes it stronger. But add an affair in that low period, and then it is hard to come back from as a couple. In our culture, extra-marital sex is often a deal breaker for both men and women. Most importantly, men do do fundamentally respect the OW as, even though it is exciting, they are often also fairly torn about the morality of their actions and question the morals of the OW who is willing to jp

Posted too soon!
....willing to join them in their poor behaviour. They can forgive their own poor behaviour but are very judgemental over behaviour of the OW.

They don't respect their wives either, Poppet. It's a mistake to think that a wife is held in any kind of regard because those that do, don't cheat on them. Cheaters respect nobody, not even themselves.

I think absolutely, lying, that men that cheat they show their wives an ultimate lack of respect by cheating on them, but I don't believe that is the driving force for the affair. Showing someone a lack of respect for a brief period doesn't fundamentally mean you don't respect them. And I dont think a DH that has an affair can be classified as a ''cheater' unless a serial offender. I know several examples of men who have had affairs and learnt from their mistake. Because that it what it can be / just a massive fuck-off mistake for which they may regret for years to come.

Why is Mumsnet the place for anybody to post about anything, Hogwash. Nasty and pathetic post from you.

men that cheat show their wives an ultimate lack of respect by cheating on them, but I don't believe that is the driving force for the affair

Come on, nobody who respects their marriage cheats. They can tell themselves a lovely story to justify their contemptuous actions, but that's all it is - self-justification.

Infidelity (with some unusual exceptions) is an act of great selfishness. A partner who cheats is putting their self-gratification above respect for their marriage and, usually, above respect for their affair partner as well.

I dont think a DH that has an affair can be classified as a ''cheater' unless a serial offender. - What?! If I sneak into your house and nick your stuff, am I not a burglar until I've done it again?

A little word of advice to all the new Mumsnetters who don't like the fact that we have single/childfree posters - There's a Parenting section! Use it!

Mind you, a lot of the parents are single, and some are male.

I do think it's a bit to post on the relationships board about how sad you are that your married lover doesn't treat you right, when there are so many women suffering the fall out from affairs who will be very hurt by this.

garlic agreed and I would also say that the cheater is showing great disrespect not just for their wife but for their whole family. The fallout from an affair is massive and far reaching.

OP's unhappy in her relationship. Seems reasonable to post here :)
Plus, she was aware that she wouldn't be congratulated for being an OW. Don't think she expected quite this much venom, though.

I think it's fair enough to post here. Why not? She is having relationship problems. Yes, to a (massive) extent that is because she is making some poor choices, but then we could say that about anyone.

It's better to support someone to make better choices than to isolate them, non?

I would say that in some of the OPs posts she has been overly dismissive about the family she is complicit in trying to split up, which has provoked some of the venom she has received.

But really, when posting on a board rife with cheated on wives, is it that shocking that handholding and support isn't all she gets in return? And I would say that some of the less supportive posts are no less enlightening and would hopefully help the OP to see the damage which is being caused.

It has probably taken a lot for some people to post their personal stories, all of which have been ignored by OP.

I can't be kind to an OW. There was no way right from the start that this relationship wasn't going to be riddled with pain. She has to take some responsibility for that.

This board section is called Relationships. Not Happy-Relationships or Married-relationships. Anybody with relationships problems can post here. Perhaps OWs might gain a lot from this discussion.

All I can say to OP is that if a man is in love with you, he will do whatever he can to be with you.