Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

bread wasn't supposed to be in bold by the way.

I think you're missing the point Chunderella because 'shunning' has no impact if person being shunned doesn't accept that they are a target. People are far more accepting of other people (that are not directly impacting on THEM) even if they don't like the behaviour, in my experience.

People are generally in their own little cocoons and whilst they may tut at news of affairs, they really do not care. How would that be detrimental to the OP in any way? They don't work together, neither are the 'boss' of the other, neither mix in the same circles (assuming this as OP did not say).

I think that women would like to think that people will shun OW/OM (with particular vitriol to OW) but are then quite often disappointed that beyond a tacit noise of disgust for the OW and a platitude or two for the cheated-on wife, it all goes quiet.

Exactly, Chunder. There were lots of people who were acquaintances of my mate who (eg) blanked her at their local pub, sports club events, etc. They weren't her real friends and ideally she should have been able to not give a shit, but it was awful for her. Not saying that this will happen to the OP, but pointing out that when these things blow up, people will often judge.

Anyway, I have realised that I haven't address OP at all. You're on a hiding to nothing, Heart. Time to find your self preservation instinct and use it.

Chunderella... I agree to an extent actually but it depends on how far news of the affair spreads. In my experience, it really didn't see to have any impact on my friend's life but you're right, there could have been negative consequences of her behaviour from people and she just didn't notice.

As I posted to gobby, we post from our own experiences and mine, I have to say, are pretty minimal, I don't have a great sample to extrapolate from so apologies, Chunderella. I absolutely don't mean to undermine the seriousness of what OP is doing and the potential for horrible consequences yet unknown. I think OP should dump the MM right now without pause.

You sound quite young, are you ?
How have relationships with single men gone for you ?

No, msjd my mind wouldn't be changed and you are so arrogant to assume it would be. I think you are horrible for what you have done.

OP - honestly I think you are past all help now.

So you think it's okay for someone to act in a way that will knowingly contribute to the emotional pain of someone else
I think that the relationship is between the man and woman. If he has another relationship, that is his problem, not hers.

Well good luck for tonight OP. I hope you come to some sort of decision. Whatever way things turn out there will be pain for some of you. It's a shitty, cruel situation with no winners, but it's the reality for you now. Hope you can make a decision and stick to it.

Phalenopsis

I much prefer to shop in Waitrose.

He wanted to have sex with you in his home?

Good grief. This man must really, really hate his wife and you.

Let this one go, he isn't a good man. He really isn't. You can do better.

OP. advice is wasted on you, isn't it?

You just want the attention.

Shagged up the arse? Where's she been all night? What a ghastly, ghastly piece of an excuse for a woman. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ANOTHER WOMAN. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON YOU.
And SHAME on you girls who could be helping real people rather than giving help to this pile of poop.

talullah57

Erm... me thinks maybe you need to calm down a bit.

OP- are you happy? You don't sound it. Is everyone else in the situation? I doubt it.

Just fuck it all off- life can be an awful lot easier and happier than this.

Deirdre

OMG, you must cut this guy off. Get a new phone number or just tell him to take a hike. Kindred spirits, pfft. He has sex with you and then goes home to his wife? How despicable is he. I wish guys like that would be castrated. Shame on him, and it is too bad for his poor wife.
You deserve better than that. There are plenty of men out there.
For your own sanity, get rid of this loser!!

Jamiemars - On what basis are you saying the OP deserves better?
I think she embarked on this knowing it was wrong but was blinded by lust initially. Then she's fallen for him and is starting to realise how wrong it is but can't tear herself away from him. The only way this will end is if he finishes it and she'll be heartbroken.

Is the OP wanting a father figure, after the bad example from her own childhood? Either way this is a fucked up situation and realistically is not going to end well.

Best outcome is OP walks away and MM becomes a reformed character. More likely is that MM keeps her dangling for years, cheats on his wife and neglects his DCs. Or he leaves his DW for OP, leaving family devastated, and possibly cheats on her in the future too.

What an almighty mess.

OP, I would suggest printing out this thread and keeping it. I don't think you are ready to leave him yet as you are not responding and, as you say, don't recognise the script at the moment (it is there). Hopefully you will wake up and smell the roses before those children's lives are turned upside down and their trust in men is ruined forever.

tallulah Why are you here exactly? Just to jibe and criticise posters who are trying to help? Nobody here is cheerleading the OP so I suggest you go and impart your pearls of wisdom to some other poor poster... and DFOD with your patronising "girls"...

Hi new to the thread and haven't read all the comments.

OP you are in a squalid situation and need to get out of it asap. I find this interesting though, and think you probably became attracted to him because he has a family not despite that fact. I don't think you did it with malice though, or a wish to break up his family. I think it's probably a sign that you are ready to start a family! Yes you want a family man/married man, and by mistake you've fixated on one that already is those things to someone else. But what you actually need is someone who has a family and is married to/with YOU!

Go and find someone single pronto and live your dream.

Also just think how gross it is for this anonymous wife to be screwing a man who's had his cock up someone else's bum. What of the sisterhood yo?

Good luck. Be a strong, real woman).

Op. Your morals..
Surely you can do better than that? Drop him. Immediately. YOU ARE BEING USED AND ABUSED.