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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last straw - Married Man - TMI

572 replies

heartshaped · 15/04/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

OP posts:
Rightallalong · 16/04/2014 18:02

He has a commitment to his wife - doesn't show it obviously, but 'feeling the heat' involves two children who probably love their dad as much as his wife loves her husband.

Did your Dad cheat? I wonder how many women know how much infidelity damages children before they unwillingly take it up the arse from a married man?

I sympathise that you feel used OP, but you are being blatantly used and you've put yourself in that position.

Find a man without a wife and family for your own self esteem and future happiness. He doesn't care about you and you ARE secondary to his real life! Sorry you've convinced yourself otherwise. I wish you a happier future.

NotHisMistress · 16/04/2014 20:28

Please answer my question. Do we not have a duty of care to other human beings? Whether we know them or not? Because according to you it seems we don't, we can do as we please regardless of who it hurts. That isn't right
We, as individuals, are not responsible for the moral welfare of others. I might choose not to sleep with a married man because I don't want to do that - a self-protection or personal morality thing. But I should not be expected to choose not to sleep with him because he ought to be faithful to his wife, or out of concern for her feelings. Particularly, the wife's feelings are not the responsibility of the potential mistress. She is not a partner in the marriage.

NurseyWursey · 16/04/2014 20:34

So you think it's okay for someone to act in a way that will knowingly contribute to the emotional pain of someone else.

Liara · 16/04/2014 20:35

I actually know of three couples where the mm left his wife and children, so it does happen. The outcome though I think is important...my bf married him, loves him but doesn't trust him at all. My dsis seems to have landed herself an agressive control freak and my other friend has landed herself with a serial cheat, liar and agressive twat of the lowest order. All three of these affairs were deep, meaningful, soul mate relationships with the most lovely, kind, intelligent men ever met. I wonder what happened to them when they left their wives?

I know of four couples where the mm left his wife and children. All are still married 20+ years later, and all but one are very happily married (the other is a not very good relationship, but nothing to do with infidelity).

I also know loads of couples who did not start as affairs. Some are good, healthy relationships, some are rubbish.

Not large enough sample sizes to draw conclusions, I'm afraid.

Msdj · 16/04/2014 20:35

itsfab. I don't think every affair is more than affair. But I knew from the start that I would leave my husband for this man. It's not just about sex or intimacy. It's much much more than that and that is why I am leaving my husband. And no he doesn't know yet. Although it won't come as a surprise to him

What I haven't said is the reason why I have been seeing someone. Why I looked if that's the right word to use, although I wasnt looking as such. I just was at a low part of my marriage. I began to think that being controlled and mentally abused was 'normal' but he has taught me that it's not a normal relationship. That a normal relationship is loving and has give and take in it

Liara · 16/04/2014 20:37

Did your Dad cheat? I wonder how many women know how much infidelity damages children before they unwillingly take it up the arse from a married man?

My dad cheated. It never affected me in any way, as my mother protected me from it. Most of the damage is not done by the affair, but by the couple's behaviour afterwards. If they put the children's needs above their own, then an amicable divorce is perfectly possible.

NurseyWursey · 16/04/2014 20:40

My sdad cheated on my mum. I was the one who found out, had to tell her. It was absolutely awful.

Msdj · 16/04/2014 20:41

Both of my parents cheated on each other. Never thought it may influence me. But I worked very hard at my marriage for over 20 years. Most of my friends said they wouldn't have put up with all that he had done to me over the years. But they didn't know the half of it.

SuffolkNWhat · 16/04/2014 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 16/04/2014 21:09

Msdj - how can you be so blasé about what you are doing? You have been cheating on your husband and now you have gone behind his back even more to the point of buying/renting a house with your lover and you haven't even told him? Is he married? Anyone of us could be the wife of the man you are shagging and you are posting as calm as you like about it being loves young dream.

If you knew immediately you would leave your husband for this man why didn't you do the decent thing and tell him then instead and screwing around?

And I never said you thought EVERY affair was more than affair but even by saying that you are spouting the usual shit that yours is oh so special and not like anyone else's.

Msdj · 16/04/2014 21:14

As I said in my original post, my new partner is single. It's not as clear cut as you seem to think and make out it to be. If you knew the full story/reason your mind would be changed

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/04/2014 21:17

We as individuals are not responsible for the moral welfare of others.

You sound like a psychopath.

NurseyWursey · 16/04/2014 21:19

msdj What circumstances make you think our minds would be changed?

I understand if you're abused in your marriage, and I'm so so sorry for that. But if so, you need to get out. You need to fix things for yourself first before having an affair IMO.

And I honestly know what it's like. I was in a very abusive relationship. I couldn't leave. I made friends with a man at work, he helped me get the strength to leave my abusive partner. A year later me and the friend got together. I always knew I wanted to be with him but never acted on it before. I wanted to make a clean break first - but he gave me the strength to. Sneaking around in an affair isn't the way to go, it's no good for your mental health either.

LEMmingaround · 16/04/2014 21:25

From the age of 15 (12 if you count the bit before he disappeared for a while) until i was 19 i was the OW to a man in his 30's, he used me pretty much as he used you OP. I am still suffering the effects to my self esteem now - it was pretty low at the time but being used by someone who couldn't care a shit about me, was pretty much using me as a wank machine still messes with my mind now - and im 43. Walk away from this scum-bag. I am so very lucky that i now have my lovely DP and family, but i am on anti-depressants and have no confidence whatsoever - the sad thing is that everyone thinks you are a whore and don't deserve any compassion, thats how i felt then, and do now, to a degree - its like i don't deserve to be happy for what i did. He didn't leave his wife for me - nup, he left her for one of the other women he was shagging at the time, FFS, he even used to tell me about her - WTF was i thinking, but he was my "first love" and i would have done anything for him, i did do anything, pretty much, sexually - it makes me shudder to think about it.

I was a slut, and now im paying the price - walk away while your self esteem has a chance of returning.

slithytove · 16/04/2014 21:40

Being abused and raped from the age of 12 does not make you a slut LEM. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

NurseyWursey · 16/04/2014 21:45

No LEM you were not a slut. Neither are you now. Don't ever think that.

LEMmingaround · 16/04/2014 21:46

nothing like that really happened until i was 15 though, i persued him so.......... it was just a bit of groping before Confused

sprite25 · 16/04/2014 21:47

OP I too have no sympathy for you but will not make any bitchy comments. Whatever this man has told you or the way he has behaved with you shows exactly who he is. He lies to everyone around him to get what HE wants. I feel so bad for his wife, not just because he's cheating on her but because she is probably happily going along in her life thinking she has a loving husband and a complete family. He's still sleeping with her. There is nothing you and him share that is unique or special that he doesn't already have with his wife. I am a regular on here and have read many times the complete devastation to a family because of an affair, yet part of me hopes his wife finds out and kicks him out. I also hope you wise up and decide to have nothing more to do with him, but that probably won't happen. Even if you did stop all contact with him, he would either think 'oh well' and carry on with his family life, or he would find another woman to charm with BS to fill your space. I repeat, I have no sympathy for you but as you are the one posting my advice is leave the lying prick well alone, get some self respect and go out and find a SINGLE man who is completely available to have a proper, committed relationship with you.

NurseyWursey · 16/04/2014 21:48

LEM You were 15. I slept around a lot when I was 15, and in the end I thought I was a slut. But then I realised all the people I slept with were grown men. I just wanted acceptance. I wanted to feel wanted. To feel attractive and loved and everything that I'd not felt before.

BuzzardBird · 16/04/2014 21:53

You were not legally able to give your consent at either 12 or 15 though LEM. He was a rapist and abuser. I am sorry you went through that.

Stinkypinky73 · 16/04/2014 21:54

OP, the ONLY chance you have of a happy future and a happy life, is if you leave. It is that simple.

When you were a little girl, innocent and full of hope, did you really see your future as being an empty vessel for some revolting little man to use?? Go back and look at the pictures of you as a little girl and ask yourself if THIS is what you thought your life would be.

slithytove · 16/04/2014 21:59

Groping a 12-15 year old is abuse. If you did pursue him it was the actions of a child, the onus was on him to make the right decision. Not at 12, or 15, were you a slut. And not now. Again, sorry that this happened and still affects you like this. I hope one day you see him for what he was (an abuser and rapist) and stop blaming yourself. In no way were you to blame Thanks

Chunderella · 16/04/2014 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RyvitaSesame · 16/04/2014 22:18

heartshaped can I recommend a really good book? It's called "a woman in your own right" by Anne Dickson. It was really helpful to me a few years ago. It identifies different ways low self-esteem can effect a person. I saw myself in it, and (although it tells you not to 'diagnose' others, I saw other people I knew in real life in the profiles too).
It reminds you of your rights, so useful. there was a list of ten 'rights' that we all have and one of them was "i have the right to make a mistake". You can make a mistake and you can forgive yourself. that was just one of the ten rights though, I can't remember the others off hand.

there has been shocking and gratuitous nastiness on this thread. I've been accused of being your sock puppet because I tried to reason with posters who just wanted to heap more nastiness on you.

Please order yourself that book! I wasn't with a married man, I was with an abusive man (all behind me now thankfully).

I am really shocked at some of the posts here. If I was married to a man and I discovered infidelity, well, I don't know.......... but if I discovered that a man I was with had capitalised on a woman's low self-esteem, co-ercing her to have anal sex, in a fruitless attempt to please him, well I would be far more revolted and repulsed by that man's behaviour than I would be by the woman.

Sisterhood is not dead but it doesn't mean leaping to berate the "ow".

NurseyWursey · 16/04/2014 22:21

Whilst I don't agree the OW always has low self-esteem (we never said this about men do we?) I do think this is the case this time and Ryvita's suggestion is a good one.

Although I do wish the OP had taken note more of the posts that aimed to help her.

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