Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

Thanks for the book recommendation, Ryvita

ryveta 'I have the right to make a mistake' . Absolutely.
But OP did not 'mistakenly' think he was single.
OP did not 'mistakenly' have an affair.
She knew he was married.
She 'knowingly' had an affair.
Whether it was out if low self esteem or not, she presumably 'knows' the difference between right and wrong.
I've just escaped an extremely abusive relationship and my self esteem is in tatters. But I won't be using that as an excuse to sleep with someone else' husband.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. OP might be some poor vulnerable maiden seduced by a moustachio twirling cad. MM might be some innocent harmless happily married man seduced by a femme fatale. Or as is more likely the truth lies somewhere in between. This isn't supposed to be a battleground between the forces of virtuous marriage and unfettered free love FFS. OP wants advice I guess because the events of last night have forced her to look at some ugly realities. The questions you need to ask are

1. Do you still really want him?
2. If so what will you do to make it happen? Because I doubt he will voluntarily do ANYTHING to change his life.
3. If you do nothing and he continues to do nothing, how long before you walk away?

Waiting for him to do what you want won't work if it hasn't by now.

Ryvita good recommendation - I borrowed it from someone yesterday!!

But I don't think the OP is coming back.

We all have the right to make a mistake. We also have the responsibility to recognise when we have made a mistake, try to address it and learn from it. OP is still in the phase of believing her affair isn't a mistake, so that recommendation will fall on deaf ears for now.

Thank you so much Lem for sharing your experiences and to Ryvita - I've ordered the book.

I have spoke with MM - he says he feels terrible about what happened and wants to come over tonight and talk face to face about where we go from here because it's not enough for him anymore and he can't cope.

If I am honest and I know it's not what anybody wants to hear, yes I do still want to be with him, yes I have considered all the grim realities, and I still do. There is a part of me that thinks he is a terrible person (I know that sounds hypocritical) and sometimes he does things and acts in ways that in no part of my being could I imagine doing the same (such as wants sex in his marital home when dw not there or in other seedy circumstances).

In answer to other q's - no his children are not babies and weren't conceived during our affair (??). Yes, my mum cheated but my dad was a complete so I was fine with this choice.

I'm leaving this thread now. I had hoped that if you heard enough about the devastation that this continued affair will ultimately cause, to all of you, that you'd grow some morals and a bit of humanity and walk away. Seems not.

Heartbreaking. The poor family.

Seriously, op. It's time to think about his family. Take them out of their compartments and try to put yourself in their position.

If he leaves his wife for you, imagine the repercussions it will have on your future with this man.

As I said upthread, his dc won't just go away. He'll be paying maintenance, having them over for access visits and you will be a big part of their lives during those visits. You. The one who broke up their home. The exw will probably be bitter towards you and he'll have to live with the guilt of how this impacts on his dc.

Also, his penchant for seedy sex sends big red flags. He obviously sees you as his excitement. If he leaves his wife for you, this position will be available to someone else.

Would you be able to trust him? A year from now he could be fucking someone else in your home.

You need to get out of this op.

heartshaped - he's coming over for another round of rumpy pumpy.
'Talking' is not what's really in his mind. Maybes a little chat to get you all warm and fuzzy with him, but 'sorting' anything other than continuing with what he has now.....
You deserve better. So sorry.

You really disgust me. You do not care about anyone other than yourself and your lovely 'man'. What an catch he is, a great example of a loyal, brave man.

Please, please tell him to leave his wife or end the affair. Do not carry on like this, he either leaves his family or its over. Why is it so hard to do that? I have so much more respect for you if you ended it, either way.

Do not let him keep using you for sex unprotected then going home and having sex with his poor wife who has no idea.

I never been cheated on (yet) my parents never cheated on each other but this thread has really hit me and if its real, I just feel so sorry for the wife.

I hope you don't keep coming back rubbing it in that your the ow. I am sure you get an right power kick over this but like I said before, at least if your together you won't be hurting anyone else.

OP, I'm not going to involve myself in the moral debate.

If you two break it off, you will be over it before long, he DW and DC may never actually get over it if this comes out.

Even if he leaves his family, this board is packed with testimony that the majority of the time, the MM is begging the DW to take him back within months. If this were the case, and he went, you would be the being left and would be fucked up big time.

My XH, still with the OW and just had DC 2 with her, only very recently he contacted me and told me he's still in love with me and would be back in my bed in shot. Fortunately for her, I'd rather live as a nun, but this is the reality of what you would be facing for years to come. My XH has been doing this regularly the whole time he's been with her.

So where will his wife think he is tonight? What will she be doing? Shouldn't she be part of this discussion?

I hate to sound cynical, but it sounds like he's coming over for sex because he knows that he'll be stuck indoors for Easter for 4 days from tomorrow with family etc.

Rebecca no I do not get a power kick - what the f are you on about? I have said he asked to come over to talk - not that I am going to carry on the affair.

Great that you or your parents haven't had an affair. If someone would have told me I would be having one I'd have never thought it of myself but really horrible complicated things happen. I didn't set out one day to do this and I am on my way to ending it now, one way or another.

The visit will probably end in sex, and all may well be patched up until next time with no real resolution. It might be better to talk this through by phone.

What does he mean "it's not enough for him anymore and he can't cope"?

My guess is he'll come over to gve you some platitudes about why he can't leave his wife now (she's ill / the kids have exams / the dog needs him / whatever)

Try and listen to what he's saying like an impartial observor. LISTEN. My guess is that you will hear the voices of many MNers ringing in your ears that he is lying through his teeth to you and his DW

You won't get any moral judegments from me. I just hope you can find the strength to do what's right for everybody - including you. Good luck

Heart, as mentioned - rather go somewhere for the chat, for a drink, for coffee. Don't go to your home. You know how it will end.

The sex in his home has rung an alarm bell. I had to re-read that bit as I cannot possibly understand why he would want that. Apart from some fetish or fantasy he has in his mind.

Or meet in a public place for coffee/drink - and discuss it there. There's no reason to meet in your home - or his - or anywhere private. None at all.

I accept your story, I believe you, I think that you've been treated very badly in spite of your willingness to be treated so. I know you say that you want to be with him but, if he felt the same it would be a 'done deal' as he knows your feelings for him.

He's actually taking some risk here - he's not single, you are. You have nothing to lose by the affair becoming public - he does.

So, I say confidently, OP - go ahead and give him that ultimatum. I think you should. You will lose this one

I've never berated people who cheat because to me, it's a 'mistake'/poor judgement like any other BUT you're posting on a board that is full of people who use it for support and, whilst they could ignore your thread, it's like picking a scab and some are drawn to it however painful it is. You could bear that in mind and temper your glee a little bit.

You don't seem to want support now, we were just 'posters-in-waiting' for your MM to pick up his baton again and now he has... we're superfluous. Crack on then, OP.

Oh well OP, as long as you're not sad.

what do you mean 'ending it, one way or another'?...surely there is only one way to end it?

Fuck this man off! He is using you BIG time! I know a woman who has been in an affair with a married man for 15 YEARS, they even have two love children together! He still hasn't left his wife for her! I don't get affairs, why would you want to sleep with someone who you know is also sleeping with his wife and probably still has all her juices on his dick!

but really horrible complicated things happen

yes they do. But, having an affair with a married man, is not 'complicated'. Its easy to stop.

Agree with other posters that you should arrange to meet him outside of your home. If as he claims, he serious about talking.

And change the time that he has arranged to meet you at. My guess is that he's organised a time with you that fits with his wife having friends/ family round, so he can just sneak out unobtrusively to the gym/ Sainsburys etc.

And great that his wife is left looking after their kids while he is free to do all this. What a guy.

You have nothing to lose by the affair becoming public
Actually, this isn't a given. Not many people (as seen on this thread) will have any sympathy and may well decide the OP isn't someone they want to socialise with, have a relationship with, etc.

I feel for you, heartshaped. I do, though, see that this man is using you - even if it doesn't feel that way to him - and that you deserve better.

I don't want him to leave his wife for you, because you deserve better. Not just better than being some man's secret second string, but you also deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Shagging you in a way you find uncomfortable is unkind and disrespectful. Leaving you to feel shocked & alone is unkind and disrespectful. Hassling you with numerous texts as soon as you appear to be becoming non-compliant is incredibly disrespectful. Now he's coming over to blow smoke up your ass, with the aim of keeping you in place.

He is not capable of being the man you deserve.

I recognise your feelings ... not because I've been in your situation, but I have been co-dependent. I hope you'll read & learn from the book! I also hope you'll look at yourself in the mirror, assure yourself you deserve much better than him, and ditch him. You'll go through some grief & sadness afterwards. And you'll know you did yourself a huge favour.