Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

Funnily enough, if a married man was interested in me I'd tell him to do one..because I know the difference between right and wrong..and I have that old fashioned thing called morals even if he doesn't.

nothis that's ridiculous. In that case why are we nice to anyone? Why are we nice to people in the street.. supermarket etc? I don't have that duty of care to them but I'm still pleasant.

Sisterhood is well and truly trashed if people think it's okay for a woman to knowingly go after another woman's husband.

No, she doesn't have any responsibility because it is not her marriage. By constantly promoting this view wives try to offload responsibility from themselves and their husbands onto a woman who is not involved in the marriage.
She might indicate to the man that she finds him attractive. He is free to say 'I'm married, unavailable'. If he doesn't, that is not the woman's fault.

nothis that's ridiculous. In that case why are we nice to anyone?
Sorry but you are still trying to shift the blame for adultery onto the unconnected woman when the responsibility lies with the unfaithful man.

Funnily enough, if a married man was interested in me I'd tell him to do one..because I know the difference between right and wrong..and I have that old fashioned thing called morals even if he doesn't
You are free to make that choice. But if you chose to have sex with him, the adultery would be his, not yours.

nothis
I'm not trying to shift the blame. They are both to blame. Please answer my question. Do we not have a duty of care to other human beings? Whether we know them or not? Because according to you it seems we don't, we can do as we please regardless of who it hurts. That isn't right.

OP - having been in a EA myself recently, I think I can relate to how you are feeling. But you have to end this. And you must end it now. He isn't going to leave his wife, and he has a family that will be torn apart.

The sooner you do it the better - for you. This is going to take you a while to get over - I have good and bad days myself. Its fucking hard, its no walk in the park but you know that it is the right thing to do. I went nc with him, I was getting there, and then one day I couldn't stop myself - and I contacted him. Why I don't know, but it was like starting from scratch getting over him again.

Whether you had anal or vaginal sex or just kissed that night. It didn't matter really as you would still felt awful that he went home to be with his wife afterwards. But you gave yourself to him in a way that you maybe haven't done before it seems- you will get over it!

Im sorry I havent read all the posts but I didn't want to read and run.

Be strong, do this for you. Don't be like me sitting here embarrassed at myself, for things I have said and done. I cringe when I think I msgd him again, like a fucking 16 year old schoolgirl with a crush. I hate myself for what I have done.

And don't believe all the sweet nothings. that is what they are - sweet fucking nothings!!

Why do some posters think that women 'go after' their husbands? If you look at it logically, it really doesn't happen that way, does it? It's buying into the ridiculous notion of 'temptress'; hussies-that-steal-away-innocent-and-kicking-and-screaming-men...

From what I can see, it's the MEN who do the running, that's right - the husbands that you're so keen to absolve. I know there are some women who see it as some kind of sport but I don't see that these are the same women who then build up relationships with married men, they would surely move on once 'conquered'.

People keep saying "If a married man came on to me, I'd tell him to leave me alone...". Yes, I expect you would if that was the exact scenario. It doesn't work like that in reality. Even the most willing, potential 'OW' would look askance at such a situation. With the exception of one night stands, OW/OM relationships are constructed by the two of them and the basis isn't usually a bald invitation for a 'shag'. It's friendship... and it goes too far.

The 'sisterhood' thing gets on my wick; I see women being absolutely vile to each other, in any number of silly and pointless situations BUT, throw in the magic words of 'OW' and it's yanked back in to play. Sisterhood is either there in support of women - all women - or it isn't. It's not a 'pick-n-mix' thing.

Look at the neverending myths;

• OW lesser than the wife: If you're daft enough to use that as a yardstick then you can't help but measure yourself against somebody that YOU think is less worth of you, yet your husband thinks is somehow 'on par' or better, as they actively choose to break their vows with this person.

• Madonna/whore thing: If you read the Friday night threads here, many couples are quite active on the sex front. Posters take great glee in describing their detailed activities. So, if you accept that this is not unusual, where does the 'whore' thing come into it? It just makes the cheating somehow a little easier? If the act itself is split into what's 'holy' and what isn't? It makes no sense.

• Travelodge liaisons and similar: Given that affairs are 'taboo'; they're general underground and this means that affair partners will meet in anonymous places rather than a 'family friendly B&B' type place where they will be unwillingly drawn into discussion/chat when they want to be with each other.

No, it isn't comfortable to think of husbands or wives having affairs. It's heartbreaking and devastating. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Ranting at an OW/OM who posts on a chatboard isn't going to make them stop. Perhaps nothing short of discovery will but, some posters manage to post really eloquently, even having been cheated on themselves, to let the OW/OM know exactly how the ripples of their behaviour impacts on a family for a long time. It still may not make the OM/OW stop, but it may make them think and that's how seeds of doubt are planted. In my opinion, far more valuable than spleen venting and name-calling.

Lying, you are absolutely right. People who have affairs often manipulate the person they're chasing after and tell lies about the reality of the situation they are in. The person they are cheating with may end up thinking the relationship he was in was dead when it was anything but.

We've probably all had men tell us things we've wanted to hear haven't we?

Can't abide this OW have no responsibility tripe. Course they do. It's basic human decency isn't it?

I have seen the vengeance of the OW. A friend of mine had an affair his wife found out. Turned up at work, waited outside school for her to pick the kids, up went to her Mum and Dads told them, told her husband. Rang and left voicemails with all the details on about 20 phones at work. Made her life hell.

Is this exciting enough for you?

Imagine him leaving his wife and kids for you. Then what? Would you really be prepared to ever let him out of your sight knowing what he did with you when he was "working late"

Of course the MM is at fault, I'd never dispute otherwise, but to say the OW bears no responsibility is ridiculous. Thankfully I have morals. Not such a bad thing to have.

Everyone has a duty of care to other human beings. From being environmentally friendly, to driving carefully, to not lighting bonfires with the neighbours washing out, to not fucking a married person. Big stuff and small stuff.

It takes a very selfish person to only think about themselves when there is huge potential to hurt others. Especially when an affair starts it is unlikely to be love as opposed to attraction.

Just because the married cheater is most in the wrong, it doesn't mean the cheatee is blame free. That person is enabling the cheating. Why be part of that? And why put themselves through it? There are rarely any winners.

Putting all the blame on the cheater is a fallacy when the cheatee is actively saying leave your family. When they are coming online looking for sympathy that their 'relationship' isn't all they want.

NotHis did you read my initial post? I'm wondering as you spend your time defending the OW of the world! what do you think of kids involved in affairs? Should I have gone NC with my dad at 6? Should I have had the maturity to say that the bitch who was crying down the phone to me was not at fault?

I find your posts hurtful and closed minded.

If someone chooses to sleep with someone married, to tell them to leave their family, to be complicit in deceit, to phone their kids and defend their position - then they are most certainly to blame for their actions. Just like the married cheater is to blame for theirs.

lottie... I think people play all sorts of games and that's down to both in the relationship. If you forget about either party being married and just look at relationships in general, people present themselves to the other person without revealing every facet of their personalities; sometimes those facets are never revealed.

People are vengeful; wives just as much as OW. I think perhaps far fewer wives than OW if this board is any reflection.

I've never said that OW bears no responsibility for the affair; she does (as does the OM) but only the spouse can bear responsibility for their marriage(s) and what happens from that point.

Morals... yes but what does that mean exactly? I hear this talked about endlessly. People do 'wrong' things all the time and not necessarily the same 'wrong' either. Do you have some kind of 'league table'? What somebody does doesn't necessarily define them as the person they are. If you follow that line then heaven help those nearest and dearest to you because there's a very good chance that they will utterly disappoint you (and you them). People who have affairs are not necessarily bad people but they do have very poor judgement.

Affairs are wrong... could we just concede that point and be done with it?

I have never had an affair, but I have been cheated on so I know how it feels from the 'other side'. I was angry with the OW, because she was a friend - but I was FURIOUS with my ex.

However, I have seen two close female friends have affairs. I begged both of them at the beginning not to go down this path, and I told them it was a surefire way to make everyone miserable. Both started by thinking that they could avoid 'feelings', and ended up finding that they couldn't... and then having breakdowns because they were in love and were second best and he was an arsehole and was NEVER going to leave his wife.

Yes, affairs of this type do horrific damage to wives and children - but the OW can also be a victim. I don't think it helps to play 'competition' and to ask whether the wife or the OW hurts more - it depends on the situation. I would just like to say that every marriage and every affair is different, and that sometimes I think women are too eager to compete with each other, rather than put the blame squarely where it belongs: with the guy who has broken trust with BOTH women.

I actually know of three couples where the mm left his wife and children, so it does happen. The outcome though I think is important...my bf married him, loves him but doesn't trust him at all. My dsis seems to have landed herself an agressive control freak and my other friend has landed herself with a serial cheat, liar and agressive twat of the lowest order. All three of these affairs were deep, meaningful, soul mate relationships with the most lovely, kind, intelligent men ever met. I wonder what happened to them when they left their wives?

I think it is really offensive to imply that somehow the OW/M has a greater right to pain or feels it more than the unsuspecting husband or wife. Unless the spouse has completely checked out of the marriage, and unless the OW/M have literally no clue their lover is married, I think that they are making a choice to enter into a relationship which is likely to cause pain. The married unsuspecting partner has no choice. No choice about stds, about potentially losing their spouse. About future shared custody, and potential loss of living standards. The cheater and the cheatee are having an affair with their eyes open.

IMO, the pain of the deceit and cheating is incomparable to the (for instance) pain of your married lover fucking you and then going back to his family.

And once again, the children are ignored. What about their pain? Regardless of who fucking caused it.

Msdj - Every cheating person always thinks their affair is more than an affair and do much more special than anything else. Does your husband know you are about to leave him?

I think it is clear why the OP's "lover" left after they had had sex. He was going back to his wife!

so much more special... not do.

Morals to me means knowing right from wrong..something we teach our children every day.
Just because you only drove the getaway car doesn't make you any less to blame for the robbery. Guilt is guilt. The cheater and their accomplice are both at fault and to say otherwise is absurd. She had a choice. She chose to sleep with a married man. Ergo, she is just as much to blame and just as morally bankrupt.

You don't need a married man,

But you want one.

PLease Please end it, the havoc and pain you both will leave behind in your wake will/can affect for generations to come.

If the children are young, they will spend the rest of their childhood going from one home to another.

If the children are teenagers, it can/will create catastrophic relationship issues..
I am not even talking about the financial aspect, though that can be horrendous.
Please Please End It NOW

I think the MM is very nice, loving, caring, engaged etc but only within very strict limits, which are entirely chosen by him. Outside those limits, you and the relationship don't exist. So you have a wonderful time together, he gets up and leaves to go home without a backwards glance. It's always going to be that way. That is what the affair is for, to him: a superficial, tightly controlled arrangement.

I'm very sorry to say it. I also think you should not take it personally, in the sense that there is nothing lacking in you that causes him to be this way with you. You can have a committed and truly loving relationship, but not with him, with someone else to whom you are more than a bit of escapism.

yy Denzel... OP, this is very true.

Am not interested in discussing whether it's moral or not to have an affair. OP you obviously had your reasons to enter this relationship but from what you say you are being hurt. The sex thing sounds awful. Ask yourself if it was a one night stand and this had happened would you ever want to see the guy again?? You don't say much about how much you see each other apart from the sex that night so difficult to advise in detail. Do you have a rl friend who knows you are going out with a MM? I think you need some support. A friend of mine ended up in a terrible situation after getting involved with a MM who talked the talk, promised her many things and delivered nothing of course as he was only interested in the thrill and excitement of an 'illicit' relationship.

Go nc, get an STD check, try to go out with friends and family and get support so you can leave him and get on with your life. It'll be hard but worth it. He sounds terrible, really awful. Feel sorry for you, his wife and kids.

Hope the Op is ok X

OP how are you feeling today, have you made any sort of decision on going forwards?