Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

And yes, men like this don't change. In the future he will do the same to you.

OP it's not easy for you,i can tell from your post that you are hurt and disappointed. I am sorry for that ,but learn something from this and move on.
He is probably just someone who is having his cakes and eating them at the same time. To be fair, you don't owe to his wife anything it's him who does but karma is a B.... and when it bites back it really hurts.
You sound like woman in love with a wrong man and he is wrong man.Don't think he will treat you better then his wife and kids.
If he is THE man he would do things in a respective way not this dirty ,almost inhuman way.
The pain he is causing to his family is huge and at the same time he is hurting you. Why not move on? He is low human specimen and you need to understand---never ever get involve with married person It's not worth it and it never comes anything good out of it.
I know some of the posters are very harsh but they are maybe coming from families who were broken by third party-someone like you.
There are lots of good,respectful,kind and FREE man out there. You don't need someone like him. Remember ,he will never leave his wife voluntary-he might be kicked out by her but he will never ever leave her.
If he wanted ,he would have done it by now..HTH

lOTTIEANDMIA -just realised we posted at the same time almost with the same opinion....

OP. You have made a mistake. You have given your heart and body to someone who does not deserve it.

Think about what you deserve in your life.

You can make a mistake. People do. Learn and move on.

It's hard, but for your own sake, put this behind you.

Why aren't you using condoms?

OP

I'm not going to flame you, but I am going to tell you something of my experience, so you have an idea of some of the things men in this position do/say to all involved.

My exH had an affair. He is now with the OW. Not because he 'left me for her', but because I discovered it and kicked him out as soon as I knew; there was no "what shall I do..?" type consideration.

He was 'devastated'. He told me he never had any intention of leaving me for her (he was very contrite); he moved in with his parents, not her; he apologised to me; he turned up on my door step unannounced telling me he still loved me and begging me to try again - I asked if she knew he was with me telling me this. She didn't; he ended it with her; she had 6 months off work with stress; they both lost the respect of their families (my exH's father barely speaks to him even though they live in the same house); her family "hates" him, his family "hates" her...

When it became clear to my exH that I would not even consider taking him back, he resumed his relationship with the OW. His reasoning being that he had "to try and salvage something" from the situation.

FFW 18 months...

He still lives with his parents. All is not well in paradise. When I said I thought that him moving in with her was the plan, he said, "No. She's my girlfriend, but that's all. It's not really like that." I wonder if she knows that..? He is with her to "make the best out of a bad situation"

I am still friends with some mutual friends. I know they have met her and like her and are nice to her, but, in their eyes, she is the interloper and they don't 'respect' her.

IIRC, 'your' MM isn't even making promises to leave his wife.

Surely, you deserve better than this! His wife and kids deserve better than this. You, however, have the upper hand in that you know for definite he is a lying, cheating, manipulative, thoughtless piece of shit and his wife doesn't. If he loved you, and not her, he would leave her. You are meeting a need that his current situation isn't, but that is all.

For you, this is your relationship. He already has a relationship. You are his hobby; his escapism. Please, do yourself a favour and find someone worthy of your love and commitment. Take care.

Folkgirl speaks absolute sense.
I am not married and have never been involved with anyone in a relationship so I am not speaking with the benefit of any experience, but you said up thread that you had 2 options - to leave or to be with him. I disagree. I think there is only one option here and that is to end this now. Regain your self respect and if he does end his relationship and he is single in the future, maybe the explore something with him. I think we all know that scenario is highly unlikely, but it is far better for you to walk away now and rebuild yourself, than to stick around and get more and more involved in this mess. The fallout when his family finds out will leave you feeling way way way worse about yourself than you do today.
Walk away now would be my impartial advice.

Imagine yourself in 2 years.
Do you want to be carefree and open to a loving, fulfilling relationship?
Or do you want to be exactly where you are now - desperate for attention from MM, unsure of your place in his heart?
Or do you want to be caught in the crossfire between him and his wife/children/parents/friends because they've found out about his lack of moral and his deceit?
Which outcome sounds the best to you?

The reality is this man is sleeping with a minimum of two women and not using condoms with at least one of them. You could end up with an infection. Something that is unpleasant and necessitates a try to the doctor. Something that could cause you sufficient problems that you can't conceive should you meet a man who is unattached. Something that could cause you to lose your life if it is something like HIV. HE has done that to you and you have let him. He has done it as he isn't thinking, or caring, about your health.

You said you wanted the strength to leave him. You could text him right now and there would be many people on here who would support you through it. Would read and reply to your posts if you are feeling the need to contact him. Though obviously you should delete and his number.

Read this.

But if really you are hoping for happy ever after and don't want to stop seeing him, no one can help you.

It's always the same on here isn't it. Cheated on married woman trumps everyone. Even a cheated on married man gets told to get back down that pecking order

I have no words of wisdom for you op apart from ending the relationship for your own sanity if nothing else.

I feel the same as slithy. Yes, he is a shit but what exactly do you expect? You should feel used - through your behaviour, you deserve nothing better. I imagine this is nothing compared to how his wife and kids would feel knowing what you've been up to. How dare you expect to feel good about this? Do you seriously want sympathy after your disgusting behaviour?

Oh dear. What a sad thread.

OP. I was the recipient of some shitty behaviour on the part of my ex husband who is now happily (as I understand it) living with the woman he had an affair with. It worked out well for them - I used to tell myself that she must be a pretty awful person to knowingly get involved with a married man who had a life, children, a whole history which she knew very little about but appeared to want for herself.

But I know my ex husband. He wouldn't give up a 20 year marriage on a whim, for sex, for thrills, for someone who he didn't believe was a good person. So I forgave him, in the sense that I'm no longer bitter and angry with either of them. The foundations of their relationship is for them to deal with, not me.

I think the OW in my case would never have come here and posted about their affair because she just KNEW they were going to be together - he walked the walk of a man who meant what he said. I don't think your MM is doing that from what you've described. I don't think you'll get your man. I think it will end badly unless you draw a line under it now. there's no easy way when you're with someone who's a cake-eater.

Good luck.

Yes it IS, RedFocus. There's some really great advice on this thread but also a lot of embittered ranting.

Wisey... Your post is really measure and helpful. I think you really are a lovely woman and I know that the next man who manages to win your heart will certainly be deserving of it.

OP... Read your thread carefully, find the bits that make you either smart a bit and/or think a lot and consider what your situation is and where you truly think it will be less painful for you to be in future.

You sound very sad and it's obvious that you're either deeply infatuated or even in love with this man. It's possible that he 'loves' you also, as much as he is able - but he isn't honest and, if he knows and has affection for you, he should not be taking advantage of the fact that your feelings and emotions are running high.

I think that the reality of him leaving his wife would be not at all what you would expect - or want - ultimately. It would be a let down for you. Don't ask him again. You shouldn't have had to anyway because if somebody truly wants to leave their marriage, they'll do it, even if they've not considered themselves as wanting to. The comments on here that you're second-best are bogus really; You're doing something that isn't good - not the situation, for you or for him - but it's not a measure of your worth as a person. Marriages are difficult to leave and unless there are compelling reasons, people don't. It's not a matter of love either. This man doesn't love his wife otherwise he wouldn't be with you... and he doesn't love you either. He and you are living a 'half-life' somehow. But you're free to go... and I think you should. Find yourself and then find somebody who is free to complement the person that you.

Op, I am not going to flame you either, as I think that this thread will be valuable to you - and I think that you know that too. You are taking the negative comments on the chin, but also listening to those who have been there and seen this before. You said up thread that you had 2 options - to leave or to be with him. Up until this point you have imagined yourself being with him. Last night has been a turning point for you - you can now consider the alternative. It will be a wrenching process - you have put down emotional roots that you need to tear up - but you have started now. You are, I think, starting to get your head around this being a real possibility. It won't be easy. It does need to be done - for everyone's sake, including yours.

I would love to imagine them as real people and be able to empathise and am probably deeply damaged that I can't. Yes, ongoing deceit and an affair is damaging to your ability to relate to other people. It is a damage that can be healed, but that won't happen quickly. It is only by ending your affaiir and beginning to face relationships honestly and openly, that you will start to heal the damage, and be able to move forward.

There is a happy future out there for you with a man who wants to treat you as an equal, with friends and family and perhaps children of your own. But it can only begin when you step out of this situation and start to rebuild. Move away if you have to. Get a new job, a new home. Start building on solid foundations, not shaky ones.

My DHs OW emailed him saying 'my mother is really worried that I'm getting involved with you when you are married. But she doesn't realise the strength of our feelings for each other. She is so old fashioned.'

Old fashioned? To value and respect a promise made to forsake all others in sickness and in health? This was when I was having chemotherapy. We are getting our lives back together. I have no respect for her . She is a famous in her field well respected professional. She took advantage of a frightened isolated man who was weak. He is back with me and I think we will make it. But we have 3 kids, one disabled. Yep, old fashioned that's me too

Coconutty Wed 16-Apr-14 10:36:00
Listen up OP, as long as he can rock up, fuck you up the shitter

Oh dear

I am new to this site. Been lurking for a while bit felt the need to post after seeing this post. I am in a similar position but on the other side. I am a married woman with children seeing a single man. It's always been more than an affair so won't call it that. But I will be leaving my husband in a few days (once we get the keys to our new house). There are always two sides to each story. To the OP. I think it was very cruel and headless for your man to leave once you were intimate together. Have you asked him why he went?

Not sure what I wanted to say. Just that I can empathise with you x

OP, I'm not here to judge you. You are where you are for whatever reasons. Nothing happens for a single reason, there is probably a whole host of factors that have found you where you are today. The question is whether you now want to continue this way.

I'm sure he usually makes you feel wonderful, or you wouldn't be with him. BUT. He is not offering you want you want and need, he can't and will not. I suspect the pain is because of the disjunct of what you have built up this relationship to be in your head and how it is in reality. He does have a wife and family, and he does have to go home if he wants to keep them...which he seems to want otherwise he wouldn't go home. Have you thought about what would happen if he did leave her? Do you think you wouldn't be looking over your shoulder every time he was acting strangely or was late home from work? Do you think, now you know what he is capable of, that you could ever have a fully trusting relationship with him?

Is this the way you want to live your life? While you are with him, you are closing down the opportunities of finding someone who can offer you the relationship you want. Someone who is free to love you the way you deserve.

Talking from experience, the only way is total no contact. It really is. It is so very, very hard and you might not manage it at times but keep trying. It needs to happen if you want to move forward.

Step away from him...not because of any other reason than you will waste your life on him. I know I wasted a lot of my life on a married man, and will never ever ever do it again. Sadly I know you won't do it immediately, because I was told the same many times and ignored the advice...but hopefully you will eventually. He doesn't love you, he loves himself and actually probably loves his wife too.

And I do wish you well OP. You seem to be in a bad place. You can be your own saviour. You can turn this around for yourself.

If you carry on the way you are, you will wake up and start hating yourself...and most likely him. There is only so long you can keep up the pretence in your head. You know he wants to stay with his family but you are not letting yourself believe that because it doesn't fit in with what you want. It will crash down around you at some point, by which time your self-esteem will be in tatters. You have the strength to change this, you really do.

nothis -The OP isn't innocent in this, she knows he has a family. She is also hurting them. Not as much as he, but still
This is a silly attitude which I have been party to for nearly thirty years. It is rubbish. The woman outside does not owe a duty of care to the wife. The husband owes that duty of care and if he doesn't give it, he, and only he, is to blame.

not so she has no responsibility at all to have some restrain when it comes to knowingly getting involved with a married man?? Geez. Ok then.