H wants to separate but I don't know why

[Loverdose]

OK. H and I have dd 19 months. Admittedly things haven't been rosy for a while; we have been quite snappy with each other, our sex life isn't great, etc. We have moved quite a few times with H job and recently we have made what we hope is a permanent move, somewhere we will be settling down.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned something about having another dc in future (not right now as I thought we had to work on our marriage a bit). He flipped out and said he didn't want any other children, ever! (Has never mentioned this before, and I have said that I would like 2 children). I was a bit surprised but thought ok, he might change his mind in the future.

Last night he was very quiet and all of a sudden asked me if I thought it was best if we separate! He said that he didn't want us to end up resenting each other as he definitely does not want any more dc. I said I didn't just want another child with some other man, I didn't want another baby if he isn't fully on board, and I would rather have a happy family unit with one child than be on my own with two. He said no and started insisting that he knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have another child. (I think I would always feel a bit of heartache if I didn't have another, but what I said to him was true, I don't want one with someone who doesn't want one).

Nothing more was said until just now. He has just sent me a text saying that dd and I can stay in the house for as long as we want (we rent and it would be too expensive for me to pay as a single parent, I am a housewife) and that he would help me out with a deposit for a new place for dd and myself. I am stunned and sad. I replied saying I don't want to separate, and he said it's better if we do it now, rather than later down the line when I decide I want another dc and he doesn't.

Is it me, or does all this sound a bit suspicious? It seems to me like he is trying to make himself out to be the good guy and convince me that a separation would be for my benefit. I'm racking my brains as to why so sudden. It crossed my mind that there might be an OW, but I honestly can't see him having the time for an affair, plus we only moved into this new area a couple of months ago, not a lot of time for him to meet someone.

What does everyone think? I'm just so hurt and confused. We were having problems yes, but I didn't think it was anything we couldn't work on.

OW

and he has clung on to what he sees as a lifeline and chance to get out...you mentioning you wanted another child

don't let him fool you nor blame you

this is all about him wanting out of your marriage for some reason, and it's probably OW-shaped

it is likely you were having problems because he was already detaching from your marriage

there is more for you to find out, I am afraid. I am sorry.

I am so sorry but I also think there will be another woman.
I found out my partner of 13 years had been shagging around 5 weeks ago.
A row over his behaviour led to me saying if he couldn't control himself (shouting at me in front of dcs) then he should leave. Rather than see this as an indication of how serious I was about his need to manage his temper, he seized it with both hands, was in a rented flat 8 days later. Didn't admit to there being another woman but digging revealed text messages and then questioning him in light of this gave rise to the news it started 3 years ago.
We had had sex only once in 3 years, at my instigation, he also refused to consider any more dcs.
Bastards, I hope he is as miserable as my ex appears to be now x

I've spent too long on MN I'm afraid, my first thought was exactly the same as AF. He is very insistent that he wants to separate for your benefit. This is unlikely to be the case. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, but undoubtedly he is. If I were you I'd start doing some subtle digging as there is a huge chance that there's an OW behind this.

I would immediately think OW. You don't need to leave the house to have an affair, it's happening all the time over the internet.

Thank you. I expect he would deny it if there was, but it does seem to me like he wants out of the marriage and is trying to turn it so it seems like he is doing it for me.

What should I do? Should I agree to the separation? If there is an OW involved then I would want to separate anyway, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of him being able to say it was all my idea.

Have you asked him if there is anyone else involved ?

I haven't, but I will when he gets home from work. I don't expect he would tell me if there was though.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

When its you who is in the middle of a relationship break down, it seems really important who is to blame, who called it off, who "broke up the family" etc. The same with what's cited in the divorce. It hurts and injustice stings.

The harsh truth is, however, it doesn't matter and no one ever cares a damn apart from the two people involved in the relationship. One of the biggest favours anyone going through a breakup can do is to stop caring about appearances, fault and what others think. Instead focus only on what you need to get through it as easily as possible and how best to get that.

Your H wants out. If you accept that as a given (i.e you're not going to try to persuade him to stay) where do you want to be 6 months down the line? What can you do to make that happen? Can you use his guilt to maximise your home security and opportunities to build a better future away from him? Think of it in cold, business-like terms. It will help.

Wishing you all the strength to get through this.

Can you do any snooping before he gets home ?

I would ask him to move out - you will either then find out about OW or it will give you both some time to find out what you do want, either way it will be more amicable than if he is and then you find out afterwards.

"I've spent too long on MN I'm afraid, my first thought was exactly the same as AF."
Me too!

Loverdose below is a link to The Script- I hope you get to read up a bit before you see him tonight. It will let you know what to expect.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Sorry this is happening to you.

Sorry Loverdose, agree with everyone else.

He is using you as a scapegoat. How weak and pathetic he sounds.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, can you check his mobile out?

What he would like you to say.

"You want us to separate, Best Beloved? Oh! I know we’ve got some issues we need to deal with and since relocating again and again things have been unsettled. I already told you I'd rather have the 3 of us and be happy than look for a new partner to have another baby with but suddenly we fall out over a mere mention of another DC? Oh well hey ho, just bung me a text about major life changing issues like my finances and DD's future living arrangements! You’re my DH and so naturally you make all the decisions around here!"

What would you like to ask him? This is a big upheaval he's got mapped out in just a fortnight.

Whose idea was it to move to where you are now? Could he have been in contact with someone in the area and that formed part of the decision to move there?
I agree that it sounds like he wants you to be the one he can claim ended it.
you could always say "if you dont want to stay with me, you dont have to. It is your choice. I am not going to let you put it on to me. Take responsibility for the choice you clearly want to make. Dont be a coward."

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone else too. What a prize arsehole!

Could you sit him down and say 'I know you've been seeing somone else ' and then say absolutely nothing- watch his reaction and you'll know.

So sorry for you to be in this situation x

Don't forget the OW may be someone he's in contact with online, rather than meeting up. However, in my case the OW was at work and married so their time together was pretty limited. Actually, because her time was limited, he had another one going at the same time, but that's another thread.

OP, he's following a script. He'll be telling everyone soon that you wanted to end the relationship. He'll even get sympathy! Is it important to him to be the 'good guy'? Are there men in your family/friendship circle who've had affairs and suffered public blame? He may well have witnessed that and be determined not to suffer himself.

In the end, awful though it is, if he doesn't want to be with you, the only thing you can do is accept it and walk off into the sunset without him. Ironically, that will also be the only thing that will make him want you back again, but after a while on your own I'm sure you'll know just how good an idea that is.

He is Home. I asked him if there was an OW, which he denied vehemently. Still insisting that he doesn't want to hold me back from more children. He is playing the whole "I love you and don't want this but think it is best" which is seeming more and more phony now. There's no chance of me looking on his phone as he has a pass code. I could check his computer tomorrow when he is at work though.

I don't necessarily think it's an OW. Many men seem to get incredibly stressed(thinking-moving, job, problems in your relationship), they bottle it up and something then comes up which is the last straw for them.
However I am perfectly prepared to read in the coming days that everyone else has it spot on.
Sorry you're in a horrible situation whatever the reason.

Other woman issues aside... Do you love him? Would you want to separate? Given the upheaval of moving and a newish baby was there 'enough' in your marriage to keep working at it?

It would be interesting to carry this on, saying, "You're right, I'm going to get sterilised..." and see what he had to say then.