H wants to separate but I don't know why

[Loverdose]

OK. H and I have dd 19 months. Admittedly things haven't been rosy for a while; we have been quite snappy with each other, our sex life isn't great, etc. We have moved quite a few times with H job and recently we have made what we hope is a permanent move, somewhere we will be settling down.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned something about having another dc in future (not right now as I thought we had to work on our marriage a bit). He flipped out and said he didn't want any other children, ever! (Has never mentioned this before, and I have said that I would like 2 children). I was a bit surprised but thought ok, he might change his mind in the future.

Last night he was very quiet and all of a sudden asked me if I thought it was best if we separate! He said that he didn't want us to end up resenting each other as he definitely does not want any more dc. I said I didn't just want another child with some other man, I didn't want another baby if he isn't fully on board, and I would rather have a happy family unit with one child than be on my own with two. He said no and started insisting that he knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have another child. (I think I would always feel a bit of heartache if I didn't have another, but what I said to him was true, I don't want one with someone who doesn't want one).

Nothing more was said until just now. He has just sent me a text saying that dd and I can stay in the house for as long as we want (we rent and it would be too expensive for me to pay as a single parent, I am a housewife) and that he would help me out with a deposit for a new place for dd and myself. I am stunned and sad. I replied saying I don't want to separate, and he said it's better if we do it now, rather than later down the line when I decide I want another dc and he doesn't.

Is it me, or does all this sound a bit suspicious? It seems to me like he is trying to make himself out to be the good guy and convince me that a separation would be for my benefit. I'm racking my brains as to why so sudden. It crossed my mind that there might be an OW, but I honestly can't see him having the time for an affair, plus we only moved into this new area a couple of months ago, not a lot of time for him to meet someone.

What does everyone think? I'm just so hurt and confused. We were having problems yes, but I didn't think it was anything we couldn't work on.

[Loverdose]

I have told my family. My parents have offered to let me stay with them but I am staying put for the moment. H not home from work yet, he is working in another city today.

Our finances are joint, we share a bank account. I have got a quote from child maintenance for how much he would have to pay. Have also rang up about child tax/income support until I can get a job. But I cannot claim for these while still living in the marital home.

I think it's just hit me now. I have no energy left, I just want to lie down on the sofa and do nothing. I will seek legal advice tomorrow.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice and kind words. Dd is getting her back teeth through and is very fussy and unhappy today. Feeling drained.

[expatinscotland]

Yep, stay put. He has a job. He can get a deposit for a flat from his piece of arse.

He comes home and you just tell him. 'I did some thinking. You want to leave, you go. DD is unsettled enough. I'm not going anywhere.'

[Only1scoop]

Glad you have got some info and confided in your family. Stay strong and stay put.

[Loverdose]

He is not home from work yet. He should be by now.

I'm fuming. Clearly he thinks he can do whatever he wants now even though dd and I are still living in the house. I would lock him out but he has keys.

[Mrswellyboot]

Didn't want to read and not respond. You are doing great and with a baby too. I have a feeling you will come out the other end in a much happier situation. You are a good person and don't deserve this.

[LEMmingaround]

Do not leave, he will move his OW in while the bed is still fucking warm - don't make this easy for him. He wants to go - then he knows where the door is. Well, he has shown his true colours hasn't he, he is willing to put his child out of their home - how could you want him after that?

[Only1scoop]

It's you and dd now Op that's who matters in all this. I'm pretty certain you'll observe many behavioural changes in the short term. Grit your teeth and stay focused.

[Clarabum]

Is he home op? Hope you're okay? X

[Loverdose]

He stayed out at a "workmate's" house last night. He is working in a city about a 40 minute drive from ours this week so he reckons it is just easier to stay over there.

I was gutted last night but am just feeling angry today. I am making plans on how I am going to move on with my life, just dd and I.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm so sorry he's behaving like such a total arse.
Glad you are making plans and glad you found the anger.
He was with OW last night and you know it.
Time to tell him you know all about it and then just keep quiet and see what he says.
Gggrrrr.... I feckin' hate men sometimes. They seriously don't give a flying fuck about the devastation they leave behind.
I'm angry for you now.

Keep strong and keep going.

[DeMaz]

'Workmate' my bloody arse!!!!

I'm so sorry OP but it really does sound like there is someone else on the scene! Keep your eyes and ears peeled, stay exactly where you are and throw him the fuck out!!

You're doing great x x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Oh how helpful of the workmate and I'm the Queen of Spain .

Sorry OP. He has treated you very shabbily.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Bloody hell OP I've just read your thread and I am SO pleased to see that face on your last post. What a passive aggressive cowardly lying arsehole he is. Grrrr!!

Get yourself legalled up, pack his shit in bin bags and text him to tell him he's got what he wants. You are separated. He cen pick his stuff up from the shed / garage / porch / the bin

Oo I'm so cross on your behalf

[rainbowfeet]

So sorry but I agree with the ow theory too!

What a wanker!

[Clarabum]

What a total shit!!
How dare he just bugger off without as much as a discussion. He is a total fucking coward.
You deserve an honest explanation and not someshit story about it all being your fault because you want another child.

Practical advice.
Please go on entitledto.com and have a look at what you sort of benefits you will receive.
Regarding housing, you would probably be eligible for social housing as you are effectively being kicked out your house. I'm not saying you should leave your house just now but if he is going to effectively make you homeless then you could end up with low cost housing which might make it easier for you to go back to work/college.
Have you told anyone in real life yet?You will need some real emotional support from your family as unfortunately I don't think that's as simple as it's going to get. I suspect there is more to come. You need to get a support network around you and start talking to people.
Talk on here, talk to your friends/family, talk talk talk. Don't bottle it up. This is a thoroughly shit situation for him to put you in OP but he has done it and it's going to be tough.
Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Make sure you get something in your stomach, even if it's just a bit of toast, a biscuit, anything.
Do you have anyone you can call to come over and keep you company for a bit today. It seems scary telling someone as it makes it real but it might feel a bit better if you say your thoughts out loud. It might stop them whirling around in your head so much.

[mummytime]

Make sure you have enough money. Maybe withdraw some from the joint account into a private one. Gather up paper work, and make a note of his bank account details, work details etc. Do you own or rent?

I am so sorry it had to go this way.

[Jan45]

Well if you were looking for more evidence of OW you have it now, 40 minute drive home but he stays at a mates for the night, yeah right.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I asked him if there was an OW, which he denied vehemently

RTT! Or at least OP's updates.

[Only1scoop]

Hope you ok Op....thinking of you

[Pinkballoon]

Try and get hold of his phone and do a search. I know that on some iPhones, even if messages have been deleted, you can search on key words and the first few words of the first sentence of the deleted message (with those words in) appear…………. So go for searches of words such as sex, love, bed, meet, night, miss, etc… basically any words that two people having an affair might use in messages to each other. I think the phone will also probably display the number that these came from/ were sent to.

[Pinkballoon]

Also, if you have a joint bank account, go through all of his transactions scrupulously. Look for: if he is withdrawing cash from banks in certain areas (could give you an idea of where an OW is); areas of petrol stations he may be filling up in (you can look up their references online if it just says something like Shell 53); and dating site transactions (sometimes they show up on statements under umbrella organisations.

Also, try and check his car for spare phones (might be locked in the boot.)

Unfortunately, I have too much experience in this area!

[Only1scoop]

Agree pink

Knowledge is power in this situation however you decide to use or store it up....

Have also found the hidden phones....transactions etc.

Try to stay strong....

[Pinkballoon]

Unfortunately, the vehement denial can also be a massive sign of an affair. I had that despite having texts from the OW confirming everything (including texts that he'd sent her), and a photo of her that she decided to send me (!!). They will deny, deny, deny!