H wants to separate but I don't know why

[Loverdose]

OK. H and I have dd 19 months. Admittedly things haven't been rosy for a while; we have been quite snappy with each other, our sex life isn't great, etc. We have moved quite a few times with H job and recently we have made what we hope is a permanent move, somewhere we will be settling down.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned something about having another dc in future (not right now as I thought we had to work on our marriage a bit). He flipped out and said he didn't want any other children, ever! (Has never mentioned this before, and I have said that I would like 2 children). I was a bit surprised but thought ok, he might change his mind in the future.

Last night he was very quiet and all of a sudden asked me if I thought it was best if we separate! He said that he didn't want us to end up resenting each other as he definitely does not want any more dc. I said I didn't just want another child with some other man, I didn't want another baby if he isn't fully on board, and I would rather have a happy family unit with one child than be on my own with two. He said no and started insisting that he knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have another child. (I think I would always feel a bit of heartache if I didn't have another, but what I said to him was true, I don't want one with someone who doesn't want one).

Nothing more was said until just now. He has just sent me a text saying that dd and I can stay in the house for as long as we want (we rent and it would be too expensive for me to pay as a single parent, I am a housewife) and that he would help me out with a deposit for a new place for dd and myself. I am stunned and sad. I replied saying I don't want to separate, and he said it's better if we do it now, rather than later down the line when I decide I want another dc and he doesn't.

Is it me, or does all this sound a bit suspicious? It seems to me like he is trying to make himself out to be the good guy and convince me that a separation would be for my benefit. I'm racking my brains as to why so sudden. It crossed my mind that there might be an OW, but I honestly can't see him having the time for an affair, plus we only moved into this new area a couple of months ago, not a lot of time for him to meet someone.

What does everyone think? I'm just so hurt and confused. We were having problems yes, but I didn't think it was anything we couldn't work on.

[lavenderhoney]

He's still in the house! Good grief, I hope he's on the sofa from now on.

Don't agree to leave or have him tell you what to do next. Don't discuss with him, at all. Its none of his business now and clearly he's not on your side. Its tough but he seems to think he's got it all worked out.

As soon as he goes to work get on the phone to a solicitor- google now for a local family one AND post on legal here. And see them ASAP. First app is free, 30 mins but they often run over:)

Tell family and friends, tomorrow as well, get support that clearly he plans to have " she wanted another baby, had the bloomin nerve to say it would be nice! so I thought I'd just leave anyway so she can recover from the breakup of our marriage, loss of home ( don't think so matey) get a job, sort childcare, become a single mum, have no social life, find another bloke, date him, marriage and with any luck she'll get what she wants. Yeah, that's right, mad eh?"

He's been planning it. The move closer was part of it maybe? Nicer for you.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Oh bugger. Nowhere near me.

What is he going to be like if you suggest he sleeps somewhere else?

[Vivacia]

You mean he hasn't actually left? I'd ring up a friend or relative of his who can come to collect him and present it as a fait'accompli. Go upstairs and pack his bag whilst you wait.

[LEMmingaround]

So he has gone from helping you out with a deposit to "letting" you stay until you save up for one. Christ on a bike, what an unfeeling cunt he is. I hope that you get angry soon op and use that anger to get what you are entitled to from this. HE is the one who should be leaving - he wants to turf out his DD, vile disgusting pig.

And yes, tell people, tell them it is not your idea - how dare he use the wanting more children thing against you. He is pathetic.

[expatinscotland]

He is only still staying there becuase whoever he is fucking doesn't have room in her bed yet.

He does not get to dictate what financial support he must pay, the court does.

I'd call his bluff and tell him to get out and be his little whore's problem, the lying fuckwit.

[redrubyindigo]

Late posting but yep OW. Deffo. he is paving the way.

[Only1scoop]

Yes the offer of a deposit didn't last long did it....think he has been plotting.

Awful

[TitchyCooPark]

OP, I am sending huge hugs your way. I have only just read this and I am gobsmacked that he is sitting there watching the TV! I take my hat off to you as I would be raging and seething at him.

Convinced there is someone else, not sure if it is a woman. Please don't flame me but for the first time ever on one of these threads for some bizarre reason my Gaydar is going off ...

TCP xx

[HopefulHamster]

No husband suddenly decides to throw out his wife and child because said wife may want another child in the future.

Something else is going on here and he's being really cruel in not telling you why.

If he loves you, respects you as the mother of his child and as his partner, even if you are growing apart, he should be giving everything he can to ensure your life continues. He is the one who wants to move on, but he still has a child to support.

[AnyFucker]

There is always one that suggests women put up with all manner of shit to hang onto a cruel bloke. I despair.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

This sounds really suspicious OP. is he still there? Are you ok? What a twunt he is :(

[newbiefrugalgal]

What a nightmare OP
Have you talked with your family?
Think about custody and your work-don't make it too easy for him. You have yourself to take care of now.
Shared care might not be so cosy with oW when she appears!

[Ruprekt]

Why would he not want to work on this?
Has he thought that he will not see his child?

There is more to this than meets the eye.

Make sure he is on the sofa tonight and a travelodge tomorrow.

Take care.

[badbaldingballerina123]

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

I think he's bluffing. Even cheating scum aren't this emotionless and casual. I wonder if he feels neglected / annoyed at moving and is trying to punish you? The emotionless watching tv is a bit odd. Maybe he wants his arse kissing , is he usually childish and passive aggressive ? It's unusual , and unrealistic for him to suggest you leave with dd. They normally just leave.

Either way I'd agree. And I'd call his bluff.

I would say , you know Dh , I agree , I think it's for the best . I've not been happy for a while , I think getting married was a massive mistake. Our sex life is shit , your not much fun , and I think I've settled. I've arranged to move in with so and so on Sunday. That will give you plenty of time to sort out childcare for dd.

See if he splutters. Don't kiss his arse whatever you do.

[dollius]

I think the OW is where you used to live. He has moved you and DD back to your family and now he is paving the way to return to the OW.

I would tell him to leave right now. Not in the morning, not next week, NOW.

[saintlyjimjams]

Yes to telling him to leave (you'll find out where he goes then), seeing a solicitor & telling everyone you know that he wants out but isn't saying why.

He can spring one on you, but he doesn't get to call the shots in the way he thinks he does.

[Only1scoop]

How are you doing Op?

[badbaldingballerina123]

I'm normally the first to say ow , but something doesn't seem quite right about this. The pitifull statement of it being best for you is often the cry of a manipulater who wants his arse kissing. It wouldn't surprise me one bit , if he retracts it and bleats that it's not what he wanted it's what he thought YOU wanted. He was saying it for your benefit because he wanted you to be happy ect.

Abusive men can appear quite normal until a baby comes along and takes the attention of them. They often resort to manipulation. Is he generally manipulative? I'm sorry to say he is sounding like an abuser , especially where he was INSISTING that he KNEW you wouldn't be happy unless you had another baby. Does he often claim to know what you think ? You also say he flipped out.

Think about it. Your a sahm and your financially dependant on him. First he offers to help you with deposit then says you'll have to save up. How the fuck is that going to happen when you don't have a job ? He has effectively made it difficult for you to do the thing he claims he wants you to do. Actions matter here , not words.

I think he's enjoying your distress hence him sitting on his arse casually watching tv while sending you stupid texts. Perhaps he doesn't like you any more , but I honestly cannot see anyone being so callous there telling you to leave with their own child. I honestly think this is a stunt for attention and coddling.

I'd bluff him and I'd do it quick. Any pampering to this nonsense is going to reward it making it much more likely for him to employ this tactic again , regardless of what's going on with him . If you've moved near family , and one of them had a spare room , I would tell them what's going on . I would arrange for them to pick me up , or leave , at x time , and I would tell him five minutes before. He can sit on his own in a empty house.

You don't need a lot and you can think of it as a break . Either way you've got nothing to lose. The sooner you take action , the sooner it ends . The person with the most power , is the person who cares the least. , or at least APPEARS to care the least . Whether there's a ow or not , I'd end his daft game .

He sounds very cruel I think. I would try to resist reacting emotionally to this at the moment. It might be worth thinking about whether you have been experiencing low level abuse from him for quite some time. Does he listen to you , does he tell you what you think or feel , put downs , sarcasm , jokes at your expense , do you both have equal access to finances , does he pull his weight with dd and housework ?

What does he think of your family ? Not a lot I'd guess , because if ever there was a stunt to make them not like him , this would be it.

[CurtWild]

badbaldingballerina123 "I honestly cannot see anyone being so callous they're telling you to leave with their own child"
Stbxh told me to leave on two separate occasions with DD1. She was 6 weeks old the first time he 'needed space' and I packed up and went to my parents. He'd met someone. They second time I was pregnant with our twins and he 'wasn't sure we had a future.' So yes, people do turn cold and callous when something's going on.
Hope you're ok today OP.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Curt I'm fully aware that people can behave cold and callously when involved with someone else , I've experienced it myself like many others. But there normally in a hurry to either get out themselves , or get you out , in my opinion.

Seeing as the Op doesn't have a job , it could be a very long time before she's in a position to save up for a deposit . Somebody who wants you gone makes it easy for you to go. He could assist her financially but he's not going to , which means she's staying for now. There's been no suggestion of her moving in with family. Just my view of things. Things aren't always what they seem.

[CurtWild]

Just giving my experience of this kind of thing. And my stbxh didn't make it easy for me to go, he expected me to save for a deposit for somewhere else too, with a newborn and financially dependent on him. I had no option but to go to my parents, that wasn't his suggestion just the only option left for me.
Anyway, of course all situations are different, that was just me sharing mine. I hope you're right and he's bluffing.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I've unfortunately known more manipulators than cheaters. The cheaters I've known have appeared to express their own feelings fairly well , I love you but I'm not in love with you is the favourite it seems , along with requests for space .

Manipulators are too keen to express your feelings for you. Along with what your thinking and what they know is good for you. Or getting you to agree that their abuse of you is a good thing and is for your own benefit.

I've experienced infidelity , more than once , but I've experienced the ops scenario many times. There's often a eleventh hour reconsideration where the victim of this ploy is considered to be dramatic and accused of having taken things the wrong way.

Of course all cheaters are manipulative anyway. I too hope it's a bluff.

[dwinnol]

OP I hope you are ok today? I feel as others do here, though whether he is being a manipulative twat or cheating on you will become clear soon. Either way you deserve more than this so I would follow the advice being shared here and take action. Sooner the better. I was cheated on and I resent the time spent trying to make it work while he was cheating all along. It's the only thing I resent. When we finally split it was cleansing and freeing but that awful period when I felt so guilty that our marriage was utter shit and I didn't know why was torture. If course he knew why but he still let me believe it was my fault. Thinking of you OP.

[DickCrack]

dwinnol what you said about the period where you can't understand why your marriage is shit really struck a chord. For me that went on for 3 years. 3 years of thinking if only I was prettier, thinner, more sociable, etc, untold damage to my self esteem. Don't let it happen to you op.