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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H wants to separate but I don't know why

142 replies

Loverdose · 14/04/2014 16:34

OK. H and I have dd 19 months. Admittedly things haven't been rosy for a while; we have been quite snappy with each other, our sex life isn't great, etc. We have moved quite a few times with H job and recently we have made what we hope is a permanent move, somewhere we will be settling down.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned something about having another dc in future (not right now as I thought we had to work on our marriage a bit). He flipped out and said he didn't want any other children, ever! (Has never mentioned this before, and I have said that I would like 2 children). I was a bit surprised but thought ok, he might change his mind in the future.

Last night he was very quiet and all of a sudden asked me if I thought it was best if we separate! He said that he didn't want us to end up resenting each other as he definitely does not want any more dc. I said I didn't just want another child with some other man, I didn't want another baby if he isn't fully on board, and I would rather have a happy family unit with one child than be on my own with two. He said no and started insisting that he knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have another child. (I think I would always feel a bit of heartache if I didn't have another, but what I said to him was true, I don't want one with someone who doesn't want one).

Nothing more was said until just now. He has just sent me a text saying that dd and I can stay in the house for as long as we want (we rent and it would be too expensive for me to pay as a single parent, I am a housewife) and that he would help me out with a deposit for a new place for dd and myself. I am stunned and sad. I replied saying I don't want to separate, and he said it's better if we do it now, rather than later down the line when I decide I want another dc and he doesn't.

Is it me, or does all this sound a bit suspicious? It seems to me like he is trying to make himself out to be the good guy and convince me that a separation would be for my benefit. Hmm I'm racking my brains as to why so sudden. It crossed my mind that there might be an OW, but I honestly can't see him having the time for an affair, plus we only moved into this new area a couple of months ago, not a lot of time for him to meet someone.

What does everyone think? I'm just so hurt and confused. We were having problems yes, but I didn't think it was anything we couldn't work on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loverdose · 14/04/2014 18:04

I do love him and separation is the last thing I want. We'd moved to be closer to my family and to spend more time with them. Although I cannot say we were getting along fantastically lately but I thought it was just a rough patch due to the move. If there is no OW I do not want to separate. But it seems like he does. Sad

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/04/2014 18:05

Sent you a text? And made you move house again and start the whole settling thing again only to have plans to send you a text saying its over.

I'd be very suspicious too. Its all very organised isn't it? See a solicitor to make sure you're not being shafted somehow as he could change his mind about paying.

If you are renting, where do YOU want to live? Move back to family and friends?

Where does he plan to live if he is paying for you in presumably a nice family house?

CurtWild · 14/04/2014 18:18

I had the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and 'you deserve better' 'if we split it's for your sake' script when DD1 was around 6 weeks old. I was already on MN and had read this nugget over and over again. I asked him if there was someone else. His answer was as expected..absolutely not.
Couple of weeks down the line he finally came clean about the 18 year old he'd met a few days after I'd given birth. He finally cut contact and we carried on for another three years and twins before I finally left him.
Really hope you don't get a revelation like this OP, good luck x

Botanicbaby · 14/04/2014 19:01

"I do love him and separation is the last thing I want. We'd moved to be closer to my family and to spend more time with them. Although I cannot say we were getting along fantastically lately but I thought it was just a rough patch due to the move. If there is no OW I do not want to separate. But it seems like he does."

I could be totally wrong here OP but could it be that he is unhappy with the move to be nearer your family and this has been the straw that broke the camel's back re the already rocky relationship?

I only mention it because it happened to someone I know who went along with it (the move to be nearer his DW's family) and it was the nail in the coffin for him (mainly due to not having any space/privacy from the inlaws amongst other things).

I think it sounds like he is using the 'no more children thing' as a get out clause and to shift the blame on you. I do hope its not an OW but as others say its classic behaviour Sad

BeCool · 14/04/2014 19:58

You could just ask him to hand over the phone, give you the passcode and leave you alone for an hour? See how he deals with that?

Original poster
Loverdose · 14/04/2014 20:16

Well, he definitely wants a separation. I have no idea what I'm going to do now - he says I can stay for a while until I have enough saved for a deposit, but he is the sole earner so I have no idea how that will work.

No idea how it has come to this so suddenly. Sad

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/04/2014 20:17

Get legal advice OP and please, please prepare yourself for another woman appearing on the scene soon. Remember, he's ahead of the game here, he knows far more than you about the true situation and has had far longer to plan and come to terms with things.

He is not your friend in this.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2014 20:19

You cannot be made to leave. It is more likely that he will have to go if you are primary carer for your dc

Legal advice for you, first thing tomorrow

And now stop discussing any of this with him. All future communication through official channels. He is going to try and stiff you financially. Don't let him.

Clarabum · 14/04/2014 20:43

I think OW. If he was genuinely not wanting any more kids then why not talk about it? Why not see if it could be worked out? You are married, why throw it away on a conversation where you said you'd prefer to have more(not set in stone).
He's being really shady. I echo Anyfucker with getting legal advice and making an exit plan if you cannot afford to keep your place on your own.
He is being a cunt.
I really feel for you. I really do, this must be horrible.
I have read enough of these thread to know that men rarely just 'leave' and there is no OW.
Do you know his email password? just out of curiosity?Or have access to any previously phone bills. I'm not a snooper but this justifies it.

dripty · 14/04/2014 20:53

He's going to let you stay till you get somewhere else? That's big of him.
Better still, tell him if he's so convinced he wants to do what's best then he can pack a bag and fuck off.
Think he'll be shocked to find that you and the DCs have more rights to stay put than he does.

TalisaMaegyr · 14/04/2014 21:01

He can't make you leave your home, love. What a fucking prick. He's completely knocked you on your arse and wants to pretend it's for your benefit.

I think he has someone else too. I honestly hope I'm wrong.

Original poster
Loverdose · 14/04/2014 21:02

I would stay if I could, but we only rent and it is expensive. I don't work and I don't think housing benefit would cover the amount of rent we pay. I will look for a job but I don't know how long it will take for me to get one.

In shock I think.

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 14/04/2014 21:05

Whereabouts are you Loverdose? Maybe you could meet an MNer for coffee or something. If you're near to me, I'd be happy to meet you at the weekend or something.

TalisaMaegyr · 14/04/2014 21:06

I really feel for you. I can hear how completely blindsided you are Thanks

Only1scoop · 14/04/2014 21:12

So sorry Op....think also that all seems a bit fishy and very sudden.

LookHowTheyShineForYou · 14/04/2014 21:13

There is an OW. The whole "I don't want to stand in your way regarding another child" is a ridiculous attempt to shift the blame.

Don't accept it. He is giving up on your relationship. Or has done a while ago.

Original poster
Loverdose · 14/04/2014 21:20

Talisa I am in the east midlands. He's just sat there watching telly like it's nothing! Angry

OP posts:
Smokinmirrors · 14/04/2014 21:23

Get all in-laws involved. Entire family. Ring your parents and his parents. Ask them to give you money. Le them all know he wants out.

That will shit him up. Little fucker.

Only1scoop · 14/04/2014 21:24

Awful....turns your world upside down and watches tv.

Agree that you need to get some legal advice as soon as you can. Agree to nothing at the moment.

Smokinmirrors · 14/04/2014 21:26

He's watching telly like nothing's happened because he is being an entitled smug fuck.

Don't lose your temper though.

Remain calm and focussesd even if you are screaming and jelly inside.

Ring round parents/siblings/best friends. Stay clam and cheerful and let the miserable twat hear what you are saying

'Hi Jemima, it's Loverdose here'. How are you doll? yes. Yes. Yes. Anyway, LoverdoseH is leaving and he needs a place to stay tonight. can you accommodate? He's all packed a ready....' You can? Oh wonderful , thanks, I need a long hot bath and get dd to bed as he's put me through a bit of a wringer on this one.'

mrsfiddymont · 14/04/2014 21:27

where is he sleeping tonight op?

Smokinmirrors · 14/04/2014 21:29

Then ask him to pack a case...if he says no and kicks off, say 'I will call the police if you take this anger any further'and look him straight in the eye.

If he still refuses to go, ring the police anyway and say he is threatening you and your daughter's safety.

If he goes, say 'you will be hearing from my solicitor' and close the door calmly on his back.

Then if needs be, once he has gone cry and shake etc etc.

Do not be defeated by his crapulousness. Take the upper hand. You are a mother and therefore a warrior.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 14/04/2014 21:32

Might be another woman, might not. Sounds like he may just want out of the full time responsilbility of a wife and child. In which case he is not worth hanging on to.

If he is adamant he wants out, then let him go, just make sure he does not screw you financially.

LavenderGreen14 · 14/04/2014 21:33

I agree OP - get him to leave now. Sod watching tv like nothing has happened. And then tomorrow sort out maintenance, housing benefit, single person's council tax reduction, etc and solicitor too.

Sadly I agree this all hollers OW to me too. What a textbook arse he is. So sorry.

Viviennemary · 14/04/2014 21:35

I don't think I'd immediately jump to the conclusion there is another woman. Not saying there isn't but I don't think you can say there is. I agree with informing all your relatives and in-laws that your DH wants to separate and you are sad about it.

And watching TV might be his way of coping and he is really feeling turmoil inside. I know I'm not agreeing with the majority here but that is my opinion. Try and keep calm and ask him tomorrow what he intends to do re moving out and so on.

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