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Relationships

H wants to separate but I don't know why

142 replies

Loverdose · 14/04/2014 16:34

OK. H and I have dd 19 months. Admittedly things haven't been rosy for a while; we have been quite snappy with each other, our sex life isn't great, etc. We have moved quite a few times with H job and recently we have made what we hope is a permanent move, somewhere we will be settling down.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned something about having another dc in future (not right now as I thought we had to work on our marriage a bit). He flipped out and said he didn't want any other children, ever! (Has never mentioned this before, and I have said that I would like 2 children). I was a bit surprised but thought ok, he might change his mind in the future.

Last night he was very quiet and all of a sudden asked me if I thought it was best if we separate! He said that he didn't want us to end up resenting each other as he definitely does not want any more dc. I said I didn't just want another child with some other man, I didn't want another baby if he isn't fully on board, and I would rather have a happy family unit with one child than be on my own with two. He said no and started insisting that he knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have another child. (I think I would always feel a bit of heartache if I didn't have another, but what I said to him was true, I don't want one with someone who doesn't want one).

Nothing more was said until just now. He has just sent me a text saying that dd and I can stay in the house for as long as we want (we rent and it would be too expensive for me to pay as a single parent, I am a housewife) and that he would help me out with a deposit for a new place for dd and myself. I am stunned and sad. I replied saying I don't want to separate, and he said it's better if we do it now, rather than later down the line when I decide I want another dc and he doesn't.

Is it me, or does all this sound a bit suspicious? It seems to me like he is trying to make himself out to be the good guy and convince me that a separation would be for my benefit. Hmm I'm racking my brains as to why so sudden. It crossed my mind that there might be an OW, but I honestly can't see him having the time for an affair, plus we only moved into this new area a couple of months ago, not a lot of time for him to meet someone.

What does everyone think? I'm just so hurt and confused. We were having problems yes, but I didn't think it was anything we couldn't work on.

OP posts:
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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2014 11:32

These days one can have sex with anyone, marriage isn't required. One can have children with anyone, marriage isn't required.

I don't know how long it took before dating seriously and getting wed but the speed of his about-turn is suspicious.

You and he married, that is meant to be huge commitment. That sealed the deal. You have a beautiful 19 month old DD. She wasn't a whim or an afterthought.

I don't know what is going on in his head but please seek legal advice.

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Loverdose · 15/04/2014 11:48

Thank you for your concern everyone. He slept on the sofa and I slept in with dd last night. She didn't sleep very well, I don't know if she can tell that there's an atmosphere.

H has gone to work. I said if this is the way he really feels I will go and stay with my parents. He didn't seem too upset by that. Then he sent me a text with just a :( face a few minutes ago. Hmm

I have contacted child maintenance and had a look on his computer. No evidence of OW, but he has been visiting porn sites.

OP posts:
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Lweji · 15/04/2014 11:54

Don't forget spousal maintenance.
Get legal advice asap.

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Paintyfingers · 15/04/2014 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stargirl04 · 15/04/2014 12:07

Hi OP, just here to hand-hold really. I have no specific advice for you as you seem a very level-headed person and you've had some great advice here. Just wanted to offer my support.

I have had problems with exes looking at porn and for whatever reason (in theory, I don't have a problem with porn per se) it is often a sign of trouble in that, at least in my experience, they were disconnecting from me.

Apologies if this has been mentioned upthread, but can you get access to his phone? Does he take it everywhere with him and does he have it on silent? If it is password protected, then why? Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

It should not be you leaving with your DD but him - he is the one who should go and the law would come down on your side.

Thinking of you. x

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2014 12:09

Some people will tell you it is possible to browse porn and still maintain a healthy relationship with a partner.

He may have decided he wants something you are not offering without even asking you first. Perhaps he hopes he will develop that fantasy in real life without the distractions of a DW and toddler 'making demands' on his precious time.

However that is conjecture, you need to concentrate on what's next.

May I suggest you make a list of what you need to do, take control. Look at CAB, go online and check out websites like

//www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx ?
Moneysavingexpert.com (think there's a benefits calculator)
Shelter www.shelter.org.uk/ ?(for housing advice) etc.

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SocialNeedier · 15/04/2014 13:49

He wants to end the relationship, he should be the one to go.

Be careful about leaving OP. You don't want to leave yourself homeless. Take legal advice.

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dwinnol · 15/04/2014 14:03

I had a look at Ex-h computer and I couldn't find any evidence. Though I did find bank statements in our study with all the gifts he'd bought her and cash (of course it was cash) taken out in cash points he wasn't supposed to be near.
If you told him are leaving with your DD and all he can do is send a sad face text then this excuse for a husband is not worthy of you.
But please do not leave. Once you do it will be very difficult to get back to somewhere suitable for you and your DD. Stay put and ask him to leave. Regardless of who owns the property you need to change as little as possible for your DD initially. So the same home but no daddy is less disruptive that new home and no daddy.

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dwinnol · 15/04/2014 14:04

DickCrack - it was literally the worst 6 months of my life, like carrying a lead weight in my chest. Bless you for enduring it for 3 years. Hope things are much better for you now.

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expatinscotland · 15/04/2014 15:38

You go nowhere! He wants the marriage to end, he fucking gets out.

Tell everyone.

'I've thought about it more. You want to leave, you should be the one to go. You need to move out. I'm not going.'

End of.

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JuliaScurr · 15/04/2014 15:56

he says you can stay until you've saved enough??? What? What??? WHAT???
He needs a reality check

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

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pilates · 15/04/2014 16:05

Agree with expat .... He's the one that wants out, he should go.

Why should you have to unsettle your DD anymore?

I really feel for you but you need to start getting angry and thinking of yourself and your DD.

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MissScatterbrain · 15/04/2014 16:18

Have you checked deleted folders, emails, facebook and mobile phone bills/statements?

Not surprised about the porn - there is a link between porn and infidelity, sometimes via dating sites and webcams.

There is very little you can do except pull the rug from under him and tell him to leave now. This will burst his fantasy fuelled bubble...

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Jan45 · 15/04/2014 16:21

Well said Scatterbrain.

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cottonwoolmum · 15/04/2014 16:32

Yes, don't make anything easy for him.
Go nowhere. Or go for a day or two, to clear your head, but leave DC in his care while you do so! (And make sure he doesn't palm her off on your parents while you check into a lovely hotel for the night.)

Discuss equal childcare and make sure he has DC for 50% of all time he is not at work. This will strengthen his bond with her and may make him realise the problem doesn't lie with you but with his own attitude.

Where do all these spineless men come from, who don't grow up and can't weather a few months of tough times when DC are small and they are no longer the centre of the universe?

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expatinscotland · 15/04/2014 16:36

'Go nowhere. Or go for a day or two, to clear your head, but leave DC in his care while you do so! (And make sure he doesn't palm her off on your parents while you check into a lovely hotel for the night.)'


I seriously doubt the OP wants to leave her young daughter with this guy just now. A lovely hotel may be beyond the bounds of their budget and is hardly relaxing when your marriage is breaking down.

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2014 16:46

Totally agree with others.
Pack his bags now.
Tell him he needs to leave as you are not uprooting DD just because HE has decided to end things with no bloomin' reason (I think you'll find OW on the scene pretty quickly though).
Then send him a smiley face and the message; I'm not going anywhere just to make your life easier. I've packed your stuff and it's outside the front door. Collect it tonight and leave me alone. I'll be in contact regarding DD visitation once I've seen a solicitor.
That's it - that's all he needs for now.
He needs to understand loss and that's the only way to do it.
If you can't kick him out straight away then you stop doing anything at all for him. No cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, dishes - nothing.

Talk to people in real life. You will really need some support and they will be there for you. Lean on them, my family and friends were my saviours.

Start to get angry. You need the anger.

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mrsfiddymont · 15/04/2014 16:48

Do not leave your home or child he could use this against you as abandonment. Second what others have said, he wants out, he gets out!

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saintlyjimjams · 15/04/2014 16:52

Gosh no don't leave. He should leave.

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JamNan · 15/04/2014 16:53

Best not to leave your home right now. Your local council might possibly deem this as making yourself intentionally homeless and decline to help you with accommodation in the future.

I too think H has OW back where you used to live. To help assuage his guilt, he's moved you nearer your family so they can help pick up the pieces. What a calculating little shit!

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maggiemight · 15/04/2014 17:05

How can he talk as if he is going to be single again. All this supposed concern for you but he has a DD.

Why don't you tell him you had been thinking about going to college/uni and retraining for something (as if it has been on your mind for a while) and tell him that this is a great opportunity for you as you will be able to go part time when he has DD. Or at least flag up the fact to him that he has equal responsibility for your DD, you might find it easier if he clears off and leaves you to bring her up but that isn't necessarily the best for DD in the long run. She needs to know her DF.

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hamptoncourt · 15/04/2014 17:24

You absolutely should not leave OP. He will have to support you and DD until she is 18.
Please do not leave or agree to anything until you have had legal advice.
And yes, of course there is an OW.

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WhoNickedMyName · 15/04/2014 17:43

Do not leave.

On a practical level...Do you have joint finances at the moment? If so, do a massive food shop, either online right now or first thing tomorrow. Stock up on nappies, wipes, dried, tinned and freezer food, with the aim of tiding yourself over for a month or two.

Photocopy or scan his payslips if you can get hold of them. Get in touch with CSA and get the ball rolling ASAP, same with checking out benefits you'll be entitled to.

This guy is going to stitch you up like a kipper financially. And there is an OW.

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Botanicbaby · 15/04/2014 18:44

another one agreeing with expat here, he wants out, he can go.

please don't let him oust you and your DC from your home OP, you do have rights. get legal advice and yy to a massive food shop to tide you over as long as poss.

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badbaldingballerina123 · 15/04/2014 18:45

I'm not impressed with the text sad face. Have you told your family Op ?

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