I have to cancel this 'date', don't I?

[Hissy]

'met' this guy on OD site. Few messages, emails, couple of phone calls, not actually met up yet.

Have tentatively arranged a first meet on Thursday. In my mind all was ok, but then he's asked if i'd fancy a stroll in the lanes behind the restaurant we're meeting at.

For some reason this has thrown me completely. It goes against all the guides on safe dating. I know that area like the back of my hand as it goes, and even have friends who live there, but still... all I can think of is the Crimewatch reconstruction.

It's brought into sharp focus what I don't know about this guy:

His full name
Who he works for (apparently in same place as I live)
I know approximately where he lives, but not exactly
The email address he uses he told me he's set up specifically for OD contact
He doesn't have a mobile that works in the house, and he's not allowed to take it to work
Considering the mobile network issues, I don't have his home number either, but not sure if that's relevant. He doesn't have mine either, but has my mobile.

On his OD profile, it mentions somewhere that he finds it hard to trust people

The profile was set up on eHarmony, but he never became a full member. There's no photo, i've not seen one.

I sent him the pic from my profile, as you can't see them either unless you're a member (only realised this recently) he never commented at all on my photo, and hasn't sent one back.

Until the 'would you consider a stroll' comment, I was prepared to meet him. Now i'm not at all sure.

Am I being over cautious? Am I allowing my paranoia from previous abusive relationships cloud this?

I have a DS, if anything happened to me, the options he has for ongoing care are dire! Abusive dad (abusive to me only, adores his son, but lives in a shithole of a country i'd not want ds to go to) my family are a bunch of bastards, am NC with them, and as am not christian or anything, ds has no godparents.

Am I being melodramatic?

I think in posting this i've answered my own question, but some input from fellow MNers would be most welcome.

Secondly, how do I cancel this? Tell him the truth, or just fake an excuse?

He's either married or someone you wouldn't want to be walking down an unlit country lane with. In fact, in this day and age, I'd say it's slightly odd that it wouldn't have occurred to him that you wouldn't be comfortable doing this.

I think you're quite right to cancel. If you aren't really interested in dating, you'll waste time, effort and money going on a date, when you could be at home with your child, comfortable and relaxed.

I think I find making definitive decisions hard. Decisions that are mine and mine alone. Relates to something along the lines of not putting my own needs firmly on the table.

I gave up smoking when the fags ran out. Ok understandable, I came back to the uk with 13 packs of 200, i'm not a wastrel...

I ended relationship with abusive ex when he left the country.

I took control of the relationship with boyf and ended that, when I knew I didn't want to, but imagined what MN would say if I asked.. put feelings aside. Dumped him. I was proud of that, kinda, but it wasn't an immediate reaction. Took me a good week or so to end it.

I struggled with the family thing, and have now gone NC since I had to call 999 on them at christmas.

All the family stuff has taught me that I don't have authority in my own life eh.

Profile runs out on 30th April. Fwiw, have just deleted it anyway. Small point, but a point nonetheless. :)

Garlic I understand what you mean now, thanks for the clarification. The words weren't crossed on that subject though iirc, they were all about me not rejecting all men, and having a relationship at all. When I was a good 6 or 7m into one at the time.

I was cut out of the loop/group when everyone went on to set up a new one. All cos I said not to allow our pasts to limit our futures. 'not now' doesn't mean "not ever" but apparently this was not a view that was popular. I'm comfortable with the page i'm on though. It's healthy.

I do have a few friends, but as i'm a single parent, in a village full of couples, it's hard. I don't do the school gate scene.

I am going out more with a couple of girls, taking the boys to footy matches, meeting up for lunch/dinner. And planning some picnics.

I've recovered from the agoraphobia, seen off my toxic ex/family, am focusing on ds and myself and we're getting there.

I don't need another living soul to define me tbh, but having someone nice to go out with now and again would be nice.

I look at the godawful mess my dm made when she shacked up with the twat she married, and she was about my age..

Not going to make that kind of mistake, that's for sure!

Hissy

He's not 'someone nice'. If he was, he would have behaved entirely differently.

I appreciate that you don't want a smarting conscience after you cancel (which I suspect you always knew you had to) but you won't need any pangs about this one.

I always think you come across as such a lovely person on here Hissy.

Hissy, my bets are he's married. Or a weirdo. Or both.

When I did od my rule was no pic, no date. Why wouldn't you put a pic on?? Dodgy.

Oh I agree with the 'someone nice' comment.

Even without this stuff about the walk and the phones etc, i'd not possibly be in any position to judge him, or anyone as someone nice.

I don't feel as though i'll have any regrets.

I did have a friend who lived within sight of my house, there was never going to be anything more than 'mates' for that and a number of reasons.

Had a puncture, he didn't offer to help in any way whatsoever. Despite my immediate offer for help when a mate flaked on him for a sodding airport run a few months before. Asked me to go and help him load his car once too. He's disabled so it's difficult for him. I went. Cos that's what friends do huh?

The one time where I could have done with even a small offer of help, or a 'anything I can do?' and all he wittered on about was the fact his usual phone was being fixed and how tricky it was to use the old one...

So he's toast. Did I do the right thing? Yep, I think so.

When I can justify stuff to myself, my conscience is usually clear! :)

Thanks Armani! I do try to be nice, it's so much easier to be so than nasty!

That said, if someone nips me, i'll bite back :)

You're a giver it sounds like and that's a great thing. Your DS is lucky to have you.

having someone nice to go out with now and again would be nice.

Hold that thought, Hissy, it will happen. Why shouldn't it? :)

Thanks cozie! That's a lovely thing to say. We're lucky to have each other! He's an awesome little boy!

Very odd to want to go on a stroll before the actual date. It's enough to get your mind thinking that's not quite right. We should listen to ourselves more.

yes, you're lovely. always there for people on stately homes, lot of common sense, and guts. takes a hell of a lot to stand up for yoruself after years of toxic conditioning, but you did it in spades.

oh and feisty! which is a great thing =)

He sounds very dodgy. Unless he comes up with a picture and working phone number don't give him another minute.

I'll compose an email tonight and send it tomorrow or Tuesday.

If he comes up with a photo, and spills information, i'll think about it, but atm, i'm inclined to cancel no matter what.

Have already told the babysitter it's off! :)

You shouldn't have had to force him into sending a pic or giving more info

Just forget about him...not wurf it

Too true AF! Too true!

Have you considered speed dating Hissy? At least it cuts through some of the bullshit on advance.

Good God no! :)

I didn't do cattle market even in my teens! I'm far too cynical and sarcastic for all that!

Well done for listening to your gut and cancelling. It's something I'm incredibly bad at and I'm always strangely proud of people who stop, listen and hear :)

I'm not at a point where I'd date but I'd like to in the future. Alot of me work first though.

I'll take that as a no then lol.

How's this for an email:

Dear stealth online-dater,

I'm going to have to cancel our meeting, sorry.

For a number of reasons, I've changed my mind about meeting up.

Your suggestion of going for a stroll on the lanes behind the restaurant goes against all the safety advice on meeting unfamiliar people.?

This idea however brought into sharp focus how little I actually know about you.

I haven't seen a photo of you, don't know your full name, have no idea where you live or work, the email you use is apparently set up for online dating purposes only, your mobile phone isn't yours/easily accessible, and even to the point that you're not even a full member of the OD site.
?
?I wish you all the best, but won't be taking this any further.

Regards
Me

I would take out the first sentence, especially the "sorry" bit

It still reads well enough without that line, indeed.