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Original poster

I have to cancel this 'date', don't I?

171 replies

Hissy · 13/04/2014 12:09

'met' this guy on OD site. Few messages, emails, couple of phone calls, not actually met up yet.

Have tentatively arranged a first meet on Thursday. In my mind all was ok, but then he's asked if i'd fancy a stroll in the lanes behind the restaurant we're meeting at.

For some reason this has thrown me completely. It goes against all the guides on safe dating. I know that area like the back of my hand as it goes, and even have friends who live there, but still... all I can think of is the Crimewatch reconstruction.

It's brought into sharp focus what I don't know about this guy:

His full name
Who he works for (apparently in same place as I live)
I know approximately where he lives, but not exactly
The email address he uses he told me he's set up specifically for OD contact
He doesn't have a mobile that works in the house, and he's not allowed to take it to work
Considering the mobile network issues, I don't have his home number either, but not sure if that's relevant. He doesn't have mine either, but has my mobile.

On his OD profile, it mentions somewhere that he finds it hard to trust people

The profile was set up on eHarmony, but he never became a full member. There's no photo, i've not seen one.

I sent him the pic from my profile, as you can't see them either unless you're a member (only realised this recently) he never commented at all on my photo, and hasn't sent one back.

Until the 'would you consider a stroll' comment, I was prepared to meet him. Now i'm not at all sure.

Am I being over cautious? Am I allowing my paranoia from previous abusive relationships cloud this?

I have a DS, if anything happened to me, the options he has for ongoing care are dire! Abusive dad (abusive to me only, adores his son, but lives in a shithole of a country i'd not want ds to go to) my family are a bunch of bastards, am NC with them, and as am not christian or anything, ds has no godparents.

Am I being melodramatic?

I think in posting this i've answered my own question, but some input from fellow MNers would be most welcome.

Secondly, how do I cancel this? Tell him the truth, or just fake an excuse?

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 13/04/2014 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whattheduck · 13/04/2014 12:28

Either meet him at the restaurant as planned or cancel
Its a rather odd thing to want to do especially with it being the first time you meet each other
Why wouldn't a mobile work in the house
I'd be asking a few more questions and finding out abit more about him

FabULouse · 13/04/2014 12:28

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Original poster
Hissy · 13/04/2014 12:29

I agree on the potentially married thing, I even went back and added up all the dates to see if I could work out how long he'd been 'unmarried' best guess is 2-3 years, but he hasn't said he's divorced.

I've been doing some thinking on dating, I signed up for this site almost a year ago, but rapidly realised that I didn't want to date anyone.

It's been a year since I ended the last (1yr) relationship, and tbh, i'm realising that i'm not going to look for anyone. I'm happy as I am. I don't 2njoy making the effort to find anyone, and tbh a relationship creates far too much work in my life, and costs too much.

I'd rather focus on enjoying my life with my ds while he's still cute and lovely..until his hormones kick in and he hates me :)

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 13/04/2014 12:29

He's so totally married. It's obvious.

ballsballsballs · 13/04/2014 12:29

The pic on DH's profile was terrible, so I asked for another one which I sent to my sister along with all of his details 'just in case'.

I wouldn't go for this date for all of the good reasons above.

Migsy1 · 13/04/2014 12:30

If the thought of it is stressing you out, just don't go. Simple :)

FabULouse · 13/04/2014 12:30

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NigellasDealer · 13/04/2014 12:33

exactly FAB - no decent guy would suggest anything before the first date that would make his date feel uneasy.

Original poster
Hissy · 13/04/2014 12:35

'dimly lit lanes'

If i'm meeting him at 7.30, how long until light fades completely?

Out here, lanes aren't lit at all!

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 13/04/2014 12:35

however it is perfectly possible to have a mobile that doesnt work in the house - i have one myself that requires a half a mile walk/drive before it will work. However there are not many places in the UK like that, and that is why I have a landline.....
now the only reason i can think of for not wanting you to ring the landline is .....a wife.

HecatePropylaea · 13/04/2014 12:36

I wouldn't meet him and I would tell him exactly why.

If he is genuine, then he needs to know that he should consider making some changes!

Original poster
Hissy · 13/04/2014 12:36

But would it cross someone's mind (a bloke's mind) that a walk with a stranger would unsettle someone?

What's the male perspective on this? Am i/are we being typically MN about this?

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 13/04/2014 12:37

There's nothing wrong with wanting male company Hissy, Im seeing a couple of guys (greedy) and having fun. I keep it light and am not looking for anything deep and meaningful I also have a son (who's 16) to bring up and prefer to keep everything away from my doorstep. I no longer have an "all or nothing" mindset.

Just don't go for faceless non open men.

dirtywindows · 13/04/2014 12:37

It's good to be cautious but no need to over react. Tell him you'd rather meet at restaurant and explain why when you meet him. Give him the benefit of the doubt - he may not have realised how scary it sounded. But stay safe and meet in restaurant. Having said all that - I do find the whole no mobile / contact thing a bit odd.....

wyrdyBird · 13/04/2014 12:38

Would you like a walk in the lanes, with a guy you do not know. No!

I thought immediately of the book FabULouse mentioned, because your post made me a little nervous just reading it (like Fab).

So I'd step away from this one; even if there's nothing to it, better to trust your instincts.

Mintyy · 13/04/2014 12:41

I think you are being very sensible Hissy.

Of course it should cross a man's mind that a woman wouldn't want to go somewhere isolated with a man she's never met! Of course he should be sensitive to that line of thinking. He should be aware of the rules of online dating.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2014 12:41

Hissy doesn't owe this bloke anything, not even the benefit of the doubt

He has made her hackles rise, that's all she needs to know

It's a foolish person that acknowledges that but goes ahead anyway out of some misplaced sense of duty

cherryhealey · 13/04/2014 12:42

Noooooooooooooooo!
Why would you ask about going for a stroll prior to the date?
Fair enough on the actual date if it was going well and a nice evening but prior to the date?
He's building some kind of fantasy in his head.

Minime85 · 13/04/2014 12:43

go with your gut. it would really bother me that there's been no photo.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/04/2014 12:43

I would do dactyl what PPs have said - cancel and tell him why.

Because you asked, I did that perennial MN no-no of asking DH what he thought of the plan to go for a stroll in country lanes with a stranger. He said it makes the guy sound like a serial killer Confused and he's surprised he suggested it.

Onesleeptillwembley · 13/04/2014 12:43

Never mind the stroll. With all the contact issues/no photo - he's not single!

rumred · 13/04/2014 12:43

i say go for it hissy. go to the restaurant only if you don't fancy the walk, and suss him out in person.

ive suggested walks for dates, no ulterior motive but because its a cheap and lovely thing to do. he may well just be outdoorsy? I mean he might be a tosser, but it sounds to early to know that.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/04/2014 12:43

exactly what PPs have said. Sorry, bad typing Blush.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2014 12:47

Hissy doesn't owe this bloke anything, not even the benefit of the doubt

He has made her hackles rise, that's all she needs to know

It's a foolish person that acknowledges that but goes ahead anyway out of some misplaced sense of duty