I have to cancel this 'date', don't I?

[Hissy]

'met' this guy on OD site. Few messages, emails, couple of phone calls, not actually met up yet.

Have tentatively arranged a first meet on Thursday. In my mind all was ok, but then he's asked if i'd fancy a stroll in the lanes behind the restaurant we're meeting at.

For some reason this has thrown me completely. It goes against all the guides on safe dating. I know that area like the back of my hand as it goes, and even have friends who live there, but still... all I can think of is the Crimewatch reconstruction.

It's brought into sharp focus what I don't know about this guy:

His full name
Who he works for (apparently in same place as I live)
I know approximately where he lives, but not exactly
The email address he uses he told me he's set up specifically for OD contact
He doesn't have a mobile that works in the house, and he's not allowed to take it to work
Considering the mobile network issues, I don't have his home number either, but not sure if that's relevant. He doesn't have mine either, but has my mobile.

On his OD profile, it mentions somewhere that he finds it hard to trust people

The profile was set up on eHarmony, but he never became a full member. There's no photo, i've not seen one.

I sent him the pic from my profile, as you can't see them either unless you're a member (only realised this recently) he never commented at all on my photo, and hasn't sent one back.

Until the 'would you consider a stroll' comment, I was prepared to meet him. Now i'm not at all sure.

Am I being over cautious? Am I allowing my paranoia from previous abusive relationships cloud this?

I have a DS, if anything happened to me, the options he has for ongoing care are dire! Abusive dad (abusive to me only, adores his son, but lives in a shithole of a country i'd not want ds to go to) my family are a bunch of bastards, am NC with them, and as am not christian or anything, ds has no godparents.

Am I being melodramatic?

I think in posting this i've answered my own question, but some input from fellow MNers would be most welcome.

Secondly, how do I cancel this? Tell him the truth, or just fake an excuse?

Thanks scrambled and thanks to MrScrambled, and the dactyl!

No - I'd trust my instincts.

That's what they are there for.

'Do you fancy a walk in the lanes after?'.
'No not particularly, in fact I'm not going to be able to make the meal/drink before either'.

I wouldn't go under any circs, and I am not terribly risk averse and have done lots of things that other people baulk at.

It's not that I'd think he's a serial killer/potential rapist (because most OD men aren't) more that he's married and/or after casual sex/a ONS (because most OD men are).

The going for a walk thing reminds me of blokes I've dated who have perceived something similar (wrongly) as a shagging opportunity...

Seriously, don't bother.

Sorry for double post

Don't go, trust your instincts.

If you do decide to go, could you ask two friends to be in the restaurant at the same time?

I think I would cancel too. Re what to tell him, you don't have to make any excuse at all, just tell him you've changed your mind, and block him.

I do think it would cross a guys mind that walk in the lanes sounds dodgy. I was on first date last night with a guy from OD and he said a few things that made me realise he had thought about safety etc from my point of view, e.g. Said let's meet in a public place, didn't try to come back to mine or try to find out exactly where my flat was (he knew it was nearby). If someone was so oblivious that they didn't realise walk in the pitch dark countryside sounds dodge then I'd question their intelligence and wouldn't be interested anyway! That's apart from any bad intentions... Just say no OP.

It's a foolish person that acknowledges that but goes ahead anyway out of some misplaced sense of duty

Wasn't there a serial killer who you used that as part of his modus operandi? (Peter Sutcliffe?)

Not that I am suggesting he is a serial killer!

I don't think going out on a date where you have to rope people in as a safety net, and give thought to who'd be there to raise your son if you didn't make it home again is every going to be successful.

Why should I spend money on a babysitter, and drink I don't necessarily want or need when i'm only going to feel sick with worry.

I'm going to cancel, and i'll not reschedule.

Dunno what tack i'll take on delivering this info though.

From past experience i'm not sure if providing reasons is a good idea as it only invites attempts at negotiations.

I wouldn't meet someone who hadn't sent me a photo actually. Apart from the lanes thing, you don't know who he is at all.

I quite like going for a bit of a walk on a first date but, somewhere like the Southbank, not country lanes!

Either go but only for the drink/meal, not for a walk, or cancel. If your spidey senses are tingling, and I can see why they might be, then cancel.

I think that if your spidy senses are tingling, best to listen.

There's lots of other blokes out there that won't make you feel uneasy.

(My mobile doesn't work in the bulk of my house, only in the bedroom, I live in a small town and my road just happens to be in a 'dip', friends across town don't have the same problem, just in our road given the location of the masts, I would imagine if you out in the sticks, unless it's completely flat, there's probably lots of houses with similar issues)

I don't think going out on a date where you have to rope people in as a safety net, and give thought to who'd be there to raise your son if you didn't make it home again is every going to be successful.

Wholeheartedly agree with you.

Don't go, for all the reasons everyone else has said.

However, I'm surprised people have such negative views on online dating. Surely it's no different to meeting someone in a bar / work situation and then agreeing to go on a date in public with them? You wouldn't necessarily know anything more about them before you went on the date than if you started talking to them online.

The key is just to be wary. Don't be afraid to block and delete people if they even seem a little weird. Block and move on. Always meet in public, preferably during the day in a very busy coffee shop so no alcohol is involved and you can always make an excuse and bugger off promptly if you don't get on or they are weirdos.

I met dh online on plenty of fish - which seems to have the worst reputation but you have to remember that as it's free there are more people on it so yes more weirdos but you just have to use your discretion!

We messaged each other for a while, then added each other on Facebook (which I feel is sometimes a good way of being nosey about them and being able to search their past posts etc tells you a lot about them) and then chatted on the phone a few times.

We then met in a Costa at 2pm. We hit it off really well and what was meant to be a quick date turned into 3 hours!

We have been married for many years now and have a toddler ds. I have been previously married and have a dd aged 11. You just have to be really sensible about how and when they meet your children. Obviously not too early and you have to feel you can trust them- but that's the same as any conventional relationship isn't it.

Good luck hissy. You've given me excellent advice before about my toxic mother :) I'm sure there's a lovely man out there for you.

I don't think the stroll in the lanes is necessarily suspicious; the weather is lovely at the moment and he may just think it would be a nice way to chat without the formality of a restaurant, and have failed to think through the potential implications. Some men are just dippy like that.

The lack of photo and phone number however is more disturbing. Could you ask for both, and not go unless you have them?

Or if you can't be bothered with dating at the moment (I quite sympathise) then just ditch him! You don't owe him anything.

Good! See your point about not offering explanations. Would you tell him if he asks why though?

"I'm sorry but I've had a rethink, I can't make tonight." Delete and block.
Or "I've had a rethink, I can't make tonight. Sorry."

One Sorry is enough. Then ignore. Clean break.

Don't get into any discussions, as you said, you are not negotiating, you've decided you don't want to meet him, and that's a good enough reason not to.

Tell him the truth about why you're cancelling - if he is a nice enough guy who's misjudged it will hopefully stop him scaring anyone else off!

That said though I do think it's weird. DP and I went for a wander after our second dinner date and managed to leave the town centre behind. Just as it had occurred to me I was now alone in a dark street with a man I barely knew, he turned to me and said ' Oops - we seem to have wandered off on our own. Would you prefer it if we went back where there are more people?' and immediately turned round and started walking back. Nice guys (people in general!) do think through what might make other people uncomfortable, and try not to cause it. Not rocket science!

I'd just tell him that you are now seeing someone else and no longer wish to meet him.

Wrt the mobile. I do have a number for him, but it's apparently a mobile he has been given by his sons for help with when he picks them up from places (they're both Uni ages)

When he rang the number was withheld, said his sons set it ages ago and none of them have the number either but he has texted me from it, so I have the actual number, but know that apparently unless he's out walking, it won't work.

I know we all want to believe the best of people, and i'm definitely a person who likes to see the good in people before writing them off, but I know what i'd say to this OP if I read it.

The reason people have negative views of OD is due to experience - it's a lot different to meeting people at work, or through friends, or in the pub. I've lost count of the amount of married men who have contacted me via OD (some I didn't find out were married til after I'd been on a date with them); in RL I've been leered at by a married man here and there, but never seriously propositoned, or asked on a date.

Likewise, if in RL I ever met a bloke, and it ended up in a ONS, they usually thought it was Christmas. In the OD world, there's a massive sense of expectation around getting an immediate shag. It's not like that in RL, never was.

So, yeah, SOME people can meet successfully via OD but there are an awful lot of men doing it that in RL (rightly) no-one would give the time of day to...

You've already worked it out for yourself. It's a no-brainer

I don't think he's necessarily an axe murderer - I think the 'stroll' idea is just an opportunity to 'check you out' before investing in the cost of a meal (i.e. he's a cheapskate).

But he's almost certainly married or already in a relationship.

Finding it hard to trust people is one thing - but not giving them your full name?

A mobile that he can't use at work and doesn't work at home? What man would pay for such a thing? (I'm a man by the way). If your mobile doesn't work in the places you want, you try different networks until you find one that does.

No, it's all tricks to ensure that you can't contact him when he's with someone else.

If you wanted to have some cruel fun you could go on the date and then relentlessly tear apart his bullshit, but it's probably safer to just cancel.

The phone situation sounds very dodgy!

I'm glad you've decided not to go, Hissy. There's way too much that doesn't fit here - excessive anonymity, and suggesting the walk is just odd. As cherry said, "He's building some kind of fantasy in his head." Yes, it will be getting dark by 7:30.

I tend to agree, this might be a good time for you to get on with being properly single ... but you already know I think that

He's got a separate email address for dating
His mobile 'doesn't work in the house' and 'can't be used at work'
He doesn't post a picture online
He's married! Blatantly! And a weirdo. A walk through populated lanes during the day, maybe. Dark, deserted lanes in the dusk, no.