Today I did something truly terrible

[Holyshit58]

And I am totally horrified at my actions.

DH & I have been having marriage problems for the last year. I love him very much but I find him very controlling.
He's very critical of me & I feel like I can't do anything right.
For example, I couldn't order the curry last night, I had to wait for him to get in from work. Obviously I'm unable to use the phone- I'll only do it wrong.

Fast forward to today, we were going out together, I was supposed to drive, prearranged. I could see how difficult it was for him, noone ever does anything as well as he does.
DH proceeded to tell me slow- fast- watch your speed etc. this was continual he then told me where I should get off so we could enjoy a cup of coffee. When I dutifully pulled of he then directed me where to park

I expressed how unhappy I was with the constant commands & he apologised but got cross with me, he then told me to shut up as he'd apologised.

Once we got inside I went to find a table after 5 min DH hadn't joined me. I went looking for him and he was sat elsewhere eating & enjoying his coffee. The silent protest of a manchild.

That's when I did it.

I went.

I left him 60km from home at a service station.

Holy shit.

[Lj8893]

Op I think your brilliant!!!

From what you have said about him though, I'm concerned that he definitely won't see the funny side of this and his behaviour could get worse.
It sounds like this could be the end of your relationship.

Stay safe and good luck

[BikeRunSki]

60k is about 35 miles for those who were wondering. That's the distance from Leeds to Sheffield. I hope the the puuc transport the op's DH had to contend with was worse than between those two cities.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you this badly, Holyshit? You deserve a partner who treats you kindly and with respect - and what you have told us about this man sounds like emotional abuse, not respect or kindness.

Do you want years more of being treated this way? Do you have dc, or might you have dc in the future - and if so, do,you want children being treated the way he treats you? Or learning that it is OK to treat the person you 'love' that way?

[Logg1e]

Do not sit around waiting for, and dreading, him coming back. Thing about what kind of evening you'd rather have, and then have it.

Can you afford to spend the night in a hotel? Or do you have friends to go to? I'd leave a note letting him know you're safe and then go.

[ivykaty44]

i certainly wouldn't be in the house when he gets back later after the pub.

I would tell him stop critiquing me to make yourself feel big about yourself as it is all about him and his flipping ego.

Then let him know if he wants to sulk in future the same type of treatment will be dished out and as that really isn't conducive for an adult marriage it will be up to him whether it works or not

[Emus]

OP, can you go out and meet with friends or just go for a nice coffee and cake to take your mind off it for a bit?! That's what I would be doing Give him a bit more time to reflect on his behaviour.

[Lweji]

Just caught up with this.

You awesome woman.

If he's getting home as late as possible, make sure the doors are locked and the keys are in the locks, horizontally, or you have any latches on.

When you finally talk to him, just tell him you're fed up of his controlling behaviour and his sulks. He either stops them or one of you is leaving.

[Holyshit58]

sdtg I agree with what you are saying, my stunt today is partly born of frustration at behaviour I find, frankly embarrassing.

I tried to address his controlling behaviour with him in an articulate manner and he responded in a verbally aggressive way before acting like a child.

He is unable to hold a conversation with me which is anyway productive or enlightening. If i tentatively try to raise a concern about something, i can see him mentally switching off while he searches the vaults in his brain to find an example of something I may have done that would immediately counteract any validity my point may have had.

In short, he's far to busy finding reasons why i'm shit to ever consider his contribution.

[RandomMess]

Got any friends you can ring up and visit? Stay over for the night I really think you shouldn't hang around dreading him coming home.

[plinkyplonks]

He will never respect you if you just accept his shit 24/7.

Today you grew some balls #staystrong

[RandomMess]

Time to end the marriage? Sounds pretty dire tbh

[Holyshit58]

Unfortunately there is nowhere for me to go

I have the dubious joy & privilege of being an expat. Lucky me!

[TheOrchardKeeper]

He sounds like a dead weight wanker OP

I know it's not the most adult solution but well done. I bet he couldn't believe it. He won't be happy he less control over you than he thought though, so I suggest you do as others have said and try to get out today. And it sounds like this should be the end of the relationship. He's made it clear it's your problem, not his in his eyes anyway so if you don't fancy being his emotional punching bag for the rest of your lives then maybe it's best to call it a day anyway, eventually?

[hillyhilly]

Well done Holy, I think you took the best possible course of action. I also think that you should not be there waiting for him to tell you about how wrong he thinks you were when he gets home.
Go somewhere else if you possibly can, preferably with friends that I suspect he doesn't like you having.

[MaryWestmacott]

are there local hotels? Just go book yourself in for the night.

[Doshusallie]

I would deffo go out. The library? The cinema??

[Lweji]

Why don't you research room rentals around you and leave the printouts for him to find?

[eggeggduck]

High five OP!

[Holyshit58]

If i lock him out he'll cause a huge scene, if I go out he'll probably lock me out.

It's all a bit grim really isn't it?

FFS

[Selks]

He is a total arse. I have to ask, what do you get out of your relationship with this man?
Don't be thinking that you can have a rational discussion with him about his controlling behaviour and expect him to change....as long as his behaviour continues to get him what he wants he will continue to do it.

[Whereisegg]

Tbh I'd be looking at flights home.

[Selks]

It's very grim and no way to have a relationship. You deserve better than this .

[EBearhug]

He won't be thinking about how desperate I am at the moment to do such a thing. He'll be more angry for himself and desperate to teach me a lesson....which is why he will drag it out for as long as possible

You know he can be like this - so be prepared for it. Tell him why you left him there. Tell him that he went too far, and things need to improve and you both need to work on that and communicate together.

(It's not that bad, anyway - it's a service station, so there was shelter, food, people - it's hardly the middle of an isolated moor where he may not see any other travellers for a couple of days, and it's a very long walk to the nearest civilisation. In the dark and rain and cold.)

Until he turns up, go and do something you want to do, rather than dwelling on it.

[Blu]

When are the children due back?

Yes, it does sound grim.

And it sounds as if it wants sorting out, good and proper. You say you love him - but he is controlling, disrespectful, no fun to be with.....and you are now dreading the fallout from your act of protest.

How do you want to sort this out long term? Would he agree to counselling?

You can't go on like this, and I doubt it is good for the kids.

Leave him and bring them back to the UK? How old are they?

You need to have an objective and a plan, and talk seriously.