i am numb

[numb]

did anyone else's dh leave them for someone else and then come back?

i dont think i do, but i want him to want to come back and to realise how wrong he was i know that may sound strange, it is very confusing

How are you, numb?
What you say does make sense: it would be an acknowledgemnt of what you and your marriage was.
How are you managing?

hi blu, i am ok but he has rung me today, first time in 2 months, for the kids sake thinks we should communicate. We havnt spoke for weeks!!!!

Do you know why he broke up with 'her'?
Honestly! Suddenly thinks you should communicate. where does he think he's been all this time.
HGow are you managing?

hi blu, tbh i think it was a case of she wasnt the woman he thought she was, what a cliche. Also because my kids wouldnot accept her, it caused problems and i think she more or less accused him of putting them first!! i am managing ok really, you do get used to being on your own and i have got a fantastic family and brilliant friends and i have also made a whole load of new ones, so i am just getting on with my new life and quite enjoying it. I feel angry though because it was all for nothing

It wasn't all for nothing - you have your wonderful kids. As much as I dispise x2b and wish for him to be hit by a huge HGV I don;t regret our time together cause I have DD out of it.

numb - I am so gald you have such good support around you and have discovered how strong you are. Well done. But it sounds like HE is the one beginning to panic that he has thrown it all away and will end up with nothing! He has the reward of his own making.

thanks blu.

hi twinkie, i didnt mean that our marriage,kids etc was all for nothing. i meant that even though me and the kids have been to hell and back, he has stayed with her for only afeww months anyway, and it wasnt the love of his life after all.

Do you feel sorry for him?

no blu i don't feel sorry for him but i do think he is a fool. he still doesnt seem to grasp the extent of the pain he has caused, even now there seems to be a vague cockiness about him, unless it is an act. i feel angry he is willing to put the kids first now because it suits him, although i dont doubt that he loves them.

about to go to first mediation .....HELP! (have just signed my divorce papers)

How did you get on, numb? At mediation?
Spook is just at signing stage too.
How are you? How have you been?

after 10 months my h has told me that he still loves me and is full of regretsb.

what have you decided numb?

I just read your thread and I've been there. My DH came home after a few months, I kicked him out and allowed him back 6 months later. It's been a long, hard slog but it's going well. We have 10month old DTs now.

hi marslady. i think i feel as numb in a way as the day he went because i am in such shock. i never thought this would happen, he treated me so badly. i have moved on so much and become so strong. he acted like he hated me all those months ago and now this i cant get my head around it. i am confused to say the least and i dont know if i love him anymore after what he has put me through, but more importantly where is the trust, i can never let myself be hurt again like that.

trust takes a long time to be rebuilt. It has taken us about 5 years to get to this point. A friend said, last year when I was pregnant, that things were obviously better between us. I said, no it just means we're having sex. If I'm honest it was only a few months ago that I felt safe in my marriage again. I'm still a little afraid to say that out loud because what happened when he left was that a part of me was broken and I don't think that it will ever fix again. I don't think he'll cheat again, but to be honest I'm not sure how much I care if he does. If he wants to be gone, he'll be gone. He's proved that he can do that. I think, in a strange way, that the whole thing gave him more of a shock and a jolt than me. He has become much more of a family man, husband and all round man in the past couple of years. I never thought that we would be in this place. What it taught him as well was that I was strong and would remain so because of our children and also because of me. I don't know what will happen with you and your h, but I do know that you have to trust yourself and remind yourself that you are strong enough to go alone and should you choose to, strong enough to walk with him again. It's not easy. I've never felt pain like it and never wish to again. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry to bring up such an old thread but for some reason my computer wont let me start a new one.

H and I are still separated, and things have been reasonably amicable. I have never given my H a definate answer, but we have vaguely talked about if we could ever be together again.

We have done family things together with kids and even took them away together etc. My family dont like him for what he has done but they are civil.

A while back we went away with some mutual friends (not kids), both got very drunk and the enevitable happened.

The outcome....I am pregnant....the shock was bigger than when he left me when I found out, 4 weeks ago. I am 8 weeks about. I dont know what to do. I dont want a baby, feel I am too old now and my others are growing up, but more importantly nothing has been sorted between us. He wants the baby, as he wants us to be together, but still wants to get back even if i wasnt pg. (He always wanted more kids, and we weren't really careful but it never happened, I cant believe it has now!)

What would I say to my kids, as far as they are concerned we are not together in that way. I am due to start fulltime college soon. The negatives are endless.

I don't trust him, and dont think I ever will, other infidelities have emerged since we have split. I was clearly with a man I didnt know. He has said he regrets everthing, loves me more than he realised etc. I dont have much respect for him and dont think i could be in love with him again because of everything that has happened.

I dont know what to do...I dont want to be pg, but i dont know if i could go through with a termination, had one 10 years ago, and after about 6 years i started to regret it.

There is no way out, whatever i do i will be unhappy. Please, please can anyone help.

Oh numb... what a terrible situation you're in now. I can't help you really, my only advice would be that if you think you'll regret a termination then you shouldn't have one.

I completely understand why you could never trust him again and I think his belief that you will eventually get back together is a fantasy.

Do you think you will get back together?

Oh numb! im so sorry you are having such a hard time! its a really tough situation to be in, but, having been in some tight places myself once or twice, i have always followed my gut instinct - i know thats easier said than done! if you feel you would regret terminating this pregnancy then dont do it! - the last thing you need is to add regret and guilt over a termination to you troubles, you dont seem to want your husband back, for your children and for another baby to be on its way, then him coming back and a reconciliation would be ideal, but that doesnt mean its the RIGHT thing to do, if you dont trust him, and he has clearly let you down and deceived you many times, you wouldnt be helping anyone by letting him back into you life like that, but that doesnt mean to say he cant be apart of your lives - from a distance, together or not, he still has responsibility for his children - ALL of them, and he needs to be there for them, it is hard and scary, but you have your home and your kids, and presumeably he has his own place right now? you are in a situation where you have some control over how much he is a part of YOUR life, you dont need him to upset you anymore, - can you not just keep things friendly between you for now? he can be there for you all, and not live there! I doubt im helping much, i wish i could help - i really really do! i was brought up in a pretty violent and torn up home, and i can look back and wonder how the hell i didnt crack up! even now my father is a constant noose around my neck - but, i know of so many people that have lived through such terrible terrible tragedy's and awful experiences, it is cliche - but it has made me try and look at any positives that are in my life, how can i make more things positive, not letting life's crap get to me! you are in a really tough situation right now, and it must be completley soul-destroying to have your husband - the one person who should always be there for you, betray you so badly, and now you have been thrown another challenge when you need it least! BUT your situation is NOT impossible, and if you take things slowly, dont let anyone set the pace exept you, and go to the people that are genuinley there for you, whenever you need them, thats what family and friends are for! im sure you will be fine, you always have someone to talk to here - no matter what! just take one day at a time.

Oh, blimey, numb, I had wondered, from time to time, what had been happening with you.

Don't know what to say.

I really don't think it would be best to get back with him, would it? I don't think you would feel this doubt if you had any remaining gut feelings to do that - you would be jumping on it like a lifeline.

And I do think you should follow your gut insticts about the pregnancy, too. If you don't want a baby, you don't, but if you do, come what may, then - you do.

Very very hard, and i'm sorry you are finding yourself in this situation.

Do you think that he may have half engineered it??

thanks to everyone for your advice. I have been for some counselling but it really didnt help much. I have a termination appointment, I thought if it was looming ahead it would help me reach my decision. I just feel pressured by him to have baby, so he doesnt know about this.

My world is falling apart, after everything i have been through in the last 18 months i just need a break. I just want to be happy. When she booked the termination the woman said I had to be very strong and push it to the back of my mind afterwards otherwise i would make myself very ill.

Its just hopeless

i dont understand whats its like to be you , such a horrible situation to be in , theres nothing i can say i hope someone comes on soon to help you more than i can.......

numb, it is almost impossible to do, but you are going to have to separate in your mind the pregnancy and the relationship with your ex-husband. They are two separate issues. First, do you want to have the baby or terminate? And second (which frankly you don't have to decide now at all) do you want to make a go with your ex husband?

You just need to make sure that you don't have the baby just because you want to make a go of it with the ex-h, if you REALLY don't want another baby. Equally a decision to terminate should not be because you know that there is no future with your ex-h. You have to really sit down and look into your heart. If you know that you aren't getting back with ex, and life would be difficult with a baby, and you would love to do your course, but you STILL can't stop thinking about having the baby.... then have it! And just see it as life taking you in a new and different direction which might be really wonderful.
Best of luck.

ps it is your decision not his. I'm afraid I think he lost his rights to have any views on this pregnancy a long time ago....

i agree the issues have to be seperate, having a baby doesnt mean you have to have him back, how old are your other children and how old are you if you dont mind me asking.
i cant give a view as to what you should do as it has to be your decision also im about to give birth any day now so dont feel its fair of me to comment.