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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so hurt re X AGAIN

137 replies

Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 11:35

I can't believe I am writing this. Split with X of 20 years in December, waves to anyone who helped me through that difficult time. But here I am again. Basically really getting my life back together not had any f2f contact with him until a couple of weeks ago. But one night we went out for a drink to discuss finances had a great evening. He then started texting me using his pet name for me, very flirtatious generally being nice, ( he also knew I had been seeing other people, as was totally honest with him, not that it was his business but he did ask.) Anyway fast forward to a week ago, he basically caught me and chap leaving our house total bad timing. I felt really bad/ guilty ( no reason I should but we have such history, I invited him around for a BBQ he was a a bit devastated about OM, he ended up staying all weekend. Then lots of texting during the week and calls. He seemed very down last week and invited him for a meal on Friday and I begged me to his on Saturday and went to his local pub, he then stayed here Sunday. It has been lovely, sex amazing, ( no sex for 3 years before split) he is being so nice. He has bought me Easter eggs, talked about seeing family. Anyway fast forward to last night, he popped in on the way back from work and we had a few glasses of wine, he then launched into how we will never never get back tog and knows I have lots of dates planned ( I don't) and he is single a free and we can be fuck buddies only. Does not care and about me sleeping with other people but has declared he loves me so many times this weekend and I am his soulmate He is so messing up my head I am feeling rather sick now just need to put my head straight. Sorry for long post. I have not once suggested we get back together even though this weekend has been amazing but who knows what could have happened.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2014 11:40

Would suggest you look at the website entitled Baggage Reclaim and read up too on "hysterical bonding".

You need to go completely cold turkey as of now on this bloke before he really does mess with your head any more than he has already done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/04/2014 11:45

So all you are to him is a possible FWB? What a contemptuous bastard he really is .... Hmm I'm sorry he's used you so cruelly but maybe it's the wake-up call you need to get properly angry and go fully no contact.

LavenderGreen14 · 08/04/2014 11:51

unbelieveable - disengage and tell him to sod off to the farside. Crikey you deserve so much better

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 11:52

Thanks cog That's the stupid thing, it has been 3 months with no contact, I was doing fine and thought he was. Trouble I do believe he loves me but he is seriously fucked up in the head to say that last night. I actually feel sorry for him. I know all the stuff he spots is a load of crap, I just been to protect myself, don't want to be back where I was as I have come so far

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 11:52

spouts not spots

OP posts:
Jan45 · 08/04/2014 11:55

So what about your OM, is he ok with what you are doing?

As for your ex, he's using you for free and handy sex, and I'd bet all the tea in china he's seeing other women too.

Sounds like you are both playing games.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 11:58

Jan OM is nothing serious. X was dating someone but no sex, I know 100% if he had he could not have waited to tell me. We are each single, so not an issue anyway, no games on my side.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 08/04/2014 12:05

Sorry OP but I don't buy that, you don't know what he is doing, you haven't seen him for months, he may be choosing not to tell you.

Going by what he has just said to you, I'd imagine he's got a few liaisons under his belt and some more.

No games but yet you split in December and are now having a sexual relationship with no commitment?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 12:10

jan whether he has or had not is not the issue. I chucked him out in Dec for good reason. We sleep tog because we love each other and enjoy each others company, until he pulled that stunt last night, mind games, trying to hurt me ?? dunno that is what I am trying to figure out This was one of the reasons we split in the first place btw

OP posts:
Jan45 · 08/04/2014 12:16

He sounds full of BS.

Also, if you are seeing another man are you having sex with both of them at the same time, and this isn't playing games? What is it you're asking here?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 12:22

Sorry Jan you not being very helpful. I come here for support,.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 08/04/2014 12:26

Would like to be helpful, just giving you an honest answer and was genuinely asking what is it you are asking here.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 12:30

tbh not sure. It is such a mess, I love him, he loves me, we have a 20 year history. When we split in Dec that was it for me. But since seeing him last couple of weeks have seen all the lovely sides to him, ( until last night) I am angry with him and hurt. I have been seeing other people as I was single and still am. But my heart is heavy now

OP posts:
maleview70 · 08/04/2014 12:35

When you split up with someone you need to avoid these "for old times sake" shags that are so easy to fall into. I did this a bit with my exw when we split and it made it much harder to detach.

You need to be telling him that it isn't going to happen again, you are not goin to be anybody's FB and from now on it's just chat about the kids only.

If you carry on doing this, it will mess your head up.

I would also say stop dating. You have jumped into that very quickly after being with someone for 20 years. Sometimes it is best to take a step back, deal with unresolved feelings about the split and learn to love being in your own company before hitting the dating scene. It's hard to know who is decent and who is a wanker when you are vulnerable as you clearly are.

Your ex is an ex for good reason and showed his true colours again (after wooing you into bed) notice how he didn't discuss the FB only bit before you slept with him!

People don't change in general. Move on, deal with your feelings, end things with the OM and take it from there.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 12:41

Does he love you in the way that most people think of love or is it that he can't stand to think of you moving on?

Did he change when he found out you were seeing other people? To go from no contact to full on 'wooing' from him after telling him that you were seeing other people/him seeing you with someone else? Is it the old "don't want her don't want anyone else to have her" thing?

If he has said he doesn't want a relationship with you, he just wants sex then that's fairly clear, isn't it? He wants to sleep with you but not engage in any relationship stuff with you.

If he has a history of 'mind games' then could the whole of this not have been a great big one? From the being nice, lulling you into a false sense of security, giving you hope that the version of him he once presented to you is back - then dropping the bile on you without warning to bring you crashing down again?

If sex without obligation is what he's offering then it only remains for you to decide if you want to accept that offer or reject it and go back to no contact.

Jan45 · 08/04/2014 12:44

OP, can only agree with the above, decide what it is you want and don't settle for any less than that.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 08/04/2014 12:54

Sorry op but I agree with jan.

He got jealous when he seen you with the other bloke and wanted albeit temporary to see if he could get you when he wanted - and he could.

He choose not to tell you he was sleeping with others. He has been off the scene for three months - of course he has.

The fact he has told you , your nothing more than a fuck buddy shows how little respect he has for you - after 20 years of being your partner!

Don't be fooled by his display of affection, he was living in the moment. In reality this man doesn't want to be with you.

It's horrible but he has used you Flowers

Nojustalurker · 08/04/2014 13:01

You have been taken for a ride. He wanted an ego boast. Do you have kids together?

Avoid f2f contact but certainly no socialisation, drinking or going out together. This man does not want to be with you so don't let him use you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/04/2014 13:19

He doesn't love you. He said what was necessary to get you into bed and took a chance you'd agree to the FWB arrangement. It's not 'fucked up in the head' it's good old-fashioned manipulation.

'I love you' is one of the most misused phrases in the English language. Hmm

LavenderGreen14 · 08/04/2014 13:24

honestly I think you are seeking comfort for what he has done to you, but you are seeking it with the wrong person. Sleeping with him is such a backwards step. And again he has shown his true colours.

He didn't love you when he treated you appallingly before. Please stop making excuses for his awful behaviour and see him for what he is. It is awful, I know it is and I am sorry, but you need to toughen up and draw a line and put a stop to it. He wasn't thinking of your 20 years history when he was mucking you around in the past. And now he just wants an ego boost and to know he can pick you up and put you down at will when he fancies it. That is nothing to do with love, and all to do with ego and control

Don't you think you deserve so much more than that?

Logg1e · 08/04/2014 13:30

His behaviour and words don't sound very loving.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2014 14:32

I haven't read your other thread - why did you split up? If it was because he doesn't want a monogamous relationship but prefers a variety of sexual partners, then you need to think about whether you are happy to have him as a FWB, or not. If you know that you want a committed relationship with only one partner, then stop expecting it from him as it's not on offer.

Lozislovely · 08/04/2014 14:37

Just to throw another opinion into the pot..

I think he probably does love you as you do him. Though whether that is 'true' love is hard to say.

Spending a couple of weeks together playing nice probably bought back the good memories you had of your relationship.

I don't think (from what you've posted) he said what he said from the heart, he said it for a reaction because he's probably realised that you are further ahead in the split than he is.

Though I do have to say that you aren't further ahead because you threw yourself into dating far too quickly and have likely not actually dealt with the issues surrounding your breakup. (Not saying that to be cruel but from what you yourself have posted).

He may be an out and out bastard, only you know that, but I feel that you are both hurting an awful lot right now and these are indeed mind games being played.

My XH threw all sorts of crap my way but is the most un malicious person there is. He is twat though and never thinks before he speaks. But I know this so I don't take anything he says to heart.

LisaMed · 08/04/2014 14:42

Is he running short of money? Is he missing home comforts? Has he paid money to you that he owes you? Has he managed to get any of his business moving?

I hate to suggest it, but are you a fall back for other things not working? You have always been lovely on here, I hope things are okay for you apart from this.

LisaMed · 08/04/2014 14:45

btw he seems to go very nicey if he feels anyone else is interested. How much have you done recently in the letting him stay/washing/cooking side.

I may be reading it wrong but I remember how utterly trashed you were and I think you should go back and read your old threads and consider putting in some more distance again. hugs.