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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling so hurt re X AGAIN

137 replies

Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 11:35

I can't believe I am writing this. Split with X of 20 years in December, waves to anyone who helped me through that difficult time. But here I am again. Basically really getting my life back together not had any f2f contact with him until a couple of weeks ago. But one night we went out for a drink to discuss finances had a great evening. He then started texting me using his pet name for me, very flirtatious generally being nice, ( he also knew I had been seeing other people, as was totally honest with him, not that it was his business but he did ask.) Anyway fast forward to a week ago, he basically caught me and chap leaving our house total bad timing. I felt really bad/ guilty ( no reason I should but we have such history, I invited him around for a BBQ he was a a bit devastated about OM, he ended up staying all weekend. Then lots of texting during the week and calls. He seemed very down last week and invited him for a meal on Friday and I begged me to his on Saturday and went to his local pub, he then stayed here Sunday. It has been lovely, sex amazing, ( no sex for 3 years before split) he is being so nice. He has bought me Easter eggs, talked about seeing family. Anyway fast forward to last night, he popped in on the way back from work and we had a few glasses of wine, he then launched into how we will never never get back tog and knows I have lots of dates planned ( I don't) and he is single a free and we can be fuck buddies only. Does not care and about me sleeping with other people but has declared he loves me so many times this weekend and I am his soulmate He is so messing up my head I am feeling rather sick now just need to put my head straight. Sorry for long post. I have not once suggested we get back together even though this weekend has been amazing but who knows what could have happened.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 12:22

What's the back story here?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 12:25

loggins DS doing great actually, counselling has been good for him and his dad has been far better with him. Taking him places, fishing. etc Stuff he was not doing before

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 12:30

Hard to help OP when we don't all know the back story....?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 12:42

Jan we split in December as he was having yet another breakdown. He was drinking too much, not being a good dad and a terrible partner. No sex for 3 years because of impotency. I put up with a lot. I thought it was the end. since the split he has been trying hard to be a good dad, there were a few fuck ups but he is trying. And all the rest I have written on here. Does that help?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 12:47

Oh I see, so obviously good reason for the breakup then. I'm afraid when you live with someone that's when you see the true them, he doesn't sound a very nice person OP, can't help but think you're wasting your time, I do kinda now remember your post.

Loggins · 15/04/2014 13:17

I've re read this thread again. I'm sorry you are upset and sorry about your house and car. You need a friend shoulder at the moment not his. After EVERYTHING he has done how can you forgive it all? He treated you and your son horribly for years, your son needed counselling because of him.
It seems to me like he saw a new woman in you, one gaining confidence, going on dates and he wanted in on it. I'm not meaning to be cruel to you Blossom but he is playing you and he's going to hurt you again

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 13:53

loggins You are right in a lot of what you say. Seems he only got interested again when he saw me with someone else. I don't think what he is doing is so calculated though, think he has perhaps he has realised what he has lost

OP posts:

louby44 · 15/04/2014 16:48

My exH was also only interested in me once he knew he had lost me (I'd started dating again and met someone)

It's classic isn't it!

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 16:53

louby It is odd. I feel very confused, DS birthday tomorrow and we are all going for a meal. I almost want to cut f2f contact

OP posts:

Loggins · 15/04/2014 17:58

Ok, so he is now interested, taken him enough years to get there I must say, but you don't and shouldn't be interested in him.
So this breakdown of his...is this a new revelation? And does that excuse his behaviour?
What does your elder son and your friends make of it all?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 18:08

He has always had MH issues but took him years to admit and seek treatment, he really did have a complete breakdown a few years ago and I supported him. Sadly he gets on a even keel and thinks he can stop medication. Thankfully on a new meds now, he is looking pretty terrible though. My head is in a muddle and I feel very lonely right now. Especially all the horrible things that have happened last week.

OP posts:

Loggins · 15/04/2014 20:51

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely, but I don't think he is the answer. I'd say him messing with your head again is what's behind your sadness.
Do you honestly think his Mh issues excuse all he has done? Think about your son when you answer that one.

Call a friend and set up a night out at the weekend. How about a weekend away somewhere nice? Weather is looking ok

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 21:04

Dating other people was really nice actually, nothing serious but distracting and good to meet new people, until a couple of weeks ago I was getting over the things, feel like I have have regressed. MH does not excuse all but a big part to play in it all, if only he could be stable.

OP posts:

Loggins · 15/04/2014 22:14

What and now he has woken up to the fact he was a nasty mean git for years? He never paid his way in the household. All the hurtful things he said that your son overheard.
I'm sorry sweetpea, but all the fishing trips and strolls round the supermarket can never make up for any of that.

Your son needed counselling because of him. It's not going to work out.
I feel really mean repeating myself but I can't bear to hear you seemingly sweep it all under the carpet.
Have you talked to any friends about it?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 22:33

loggins no need to apologise, I come on here to hear peoples opinions. I have talked to people in rl too. You are probably right I need to move on. But, I don't know how I feel now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 17/04/2014 12:07

I am worried for my own mental health, really think I am finally loosing it. Had a complete meltdown last night, panic attack, sobbing. We took DS out all day together, nice meal in the evening with DS1 and girlfriend. I just a normal life and none of this is normal, sorry not making sense.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 17/04/2014 12:38

Hi Blossom, I am really sorry things are not good at the moment but I agree with Loggins, get back on the dating saddle and stop giving your ex so much of your time, it's not making you happy and there really is probably no way of going back, I don't even know the details of the back story but I've heard enough, he's dysfunctional and doesn't appear to have the ability to be either a good parent or partner, cut your looses and get out there, there's lots of nice men who will treat you with respect and kindness.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/04/2014 13:03

Hi Blossom sorry you have had such a tough month, have only just seen this thread. Hysterical bonding is like opening a can of worms again. The burglary alone would have been upsetting. You're feeling very fragile but I absolutely believe that this is a temporary blip albeit a serious one.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 17/04/2014 13:03

Jan I know you are right. He is fucking my head up. If I did not know him so well, I would think he is doing this to punish me,he is very angry that I have seen other people and he has not. And that he could never forgive me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 17/04/2014 13:39

Tell me what sort of twisted person would say Blossom, you are my soul mate, I love you, I will never meet anyone like you again, you are the love of my life, no one will ever compare to you BUT Blossom I can not live with you.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 17/04/2014 13:56

Excuse me but wasn't it him who fucked everything up so where does he get off saying he can't live with you, it's the other way round is it not? Re you dating other men, he's just jealous cos he hasn't been so lucky.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 17/04/2014 14:26

Hey donkey I know it has been horrid. Feeling pretty sorry for myself right now. No plans for Easter, all family away and he has arranged a nice fishing trip out with the boys on Monday and DS staying @ his on Sunday, Happy fucking Easter.
Jan you are right again, I don't know why he says these things. He was seeing a "friend", think he tried to make sound more than it was, no sex though, sex is a big deal for him in that he would need to feel very comfortable with someone. He has not reason to lie to me about any of it.
I just cannot cope right now with any of it. Have an invite out from someone I have been talking to on line but not sure I can face that either

OP posts:

mummytime · 17/04/2014 14:52

Blossom have you thought of trying to make some friends not men friends. Thats what I think you need right now. I think it is too soon to date - you are too likely to get hurt. But having some friends you can have a laugh with, go to the pictures with, chat to etc. would be good.

Really try to go NC with him for a while. If you are fed up at being left alone at Easter, at least tell your DS that. You don't have to just take it without complaint.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 17/04/2014 15:25

Mummy I have a couple of close friends and have spoken to them loads but busy lives, husbands kids hard to find time. Dating was going lovely before was meeting some nice people taking it easy, was nice to have sex after a drought tbh. I was getting my mojo back, now almost being back to square one.
Was down the coast yesterday and seeing happy families just made me feel so sorry for myself. What the actual fuck is wrong with me.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 17/04/2014 15:36

Nothing wrong with you, you're mourning 20 years of marriage, that's a big chunk of your life. You can have another and better life though, even without any man.

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