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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling so hurt re X AGAIN

137 replies

Blossomflowers · 08/04/2014 11:35

I can't believe I am writing this. Split with X of 20 years in December, waves to anyone who helped me through that difficult time. But here I am again. Basically really getting my life back together not had any f2f contact with him until a couple of weeks ago. But one night we went out for a drink to discuss finances had a great evening. He then started texting me using his pet name for me, very flirtatious generally being nice, ( he also knew I had been seeing other people, as was totally honest with him, not that it was his business but he did ask.) Anyway fast forward to a week ago, he basically caught me and chap leaving our house total bad timing. I felt really bad/ guilty ( no reason I should but we have such history, I invited him around for a BBQ he was a a bit devastated about OM, he ended up staying all weekend. Then lots of texting during the week and calls. He seemed very down last week and invited him for a meal on Friday and I begged me to his on Saturday and went to his local pub, he then stayed here Sunday. It has been lovely, sex amazing, ( no sex for 3 years before split) he is being so nice. He has bought me Easter eggs, talked about seeing family. Anyway fast forward to last night, he popped in on the way back from work and we had a few glasses of wine, he then launched into how we will never never get back tog and knows I have lots of dates planned ( I don't) and he is single a free and we can be fuck buddies only. Does not care and about me sleeping with other people but has declared he loves me so many times this weekend and I am his soulmate He is so messing up my head I am feeling rather sick now just need to put my head straight. Sorry for long post. I have not once suggested we get back together even though this weekend has been amazing but who knows what could have happened.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 08/04/2014 14:50

What is the back story?

Logg1e · 08/04/2014 15:29

You read like the OP's ex Loz, you certainly seem to know a lot about the situation - how he loves her but it's only a certain kind of love, how her actions have been wrong etc.

georgiestears · 08/04/2014 16:18

I think if he had a shred of decency in him, he would have told you it was "just sex" for him before having it with you to allow you to make a choice beforehand. What he has done feels eerily similar to some sort of rape. Or at the very least it's incredibly selfish.

When I read threads like this, the woman comes across as such a great, loving, loyal person and I wonder what sort of emotional fuck wit would want to treat her that way - but then there is no explaining emotional fuck wits.

If you feel heavy of heart now, that's because you're a loyal person with real feelings and he's just not like you. I know maybe he once was, or once did a very good impression of being so but sometimes people surprise you and they turn out to just not be who you thought they were.

If someone had told you on your wedding day that he would act like this - would you have married him?

So remind yourself now that he's no longer what YOU want. Let's see how he does being a bachelor and revel in the certainty (as he still obviously finds you sexy) of how much fun it's going to be later on when he wants you back and you have genuinely moved on to someone who actually deserves you.

Which you WILL.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 09/04/2014 12:17

Sorry to disappear, thanks for all your thoughts. I am listening very carefully
lisa I remember you from my last thread, hope you are ok? In answer to your question, I have done nothing much for him and yes he has been giving me money and trying very hard to be a better dad.

Update he turned up yesterday afternoon apologised for all he said, also attended his Dr Appointment, ( on new meds now )he stayed last night no sex just talking. He has agreed to go to councelling and asked me would I consider being a couple. My reply was if things were like they had been past 2 weeks then possibly, well bar the other night fuckup. I need to see real proof that he is making changes, can people change? I don't know.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 09/04/2014 12:23

Good on you OP, having 2 weeks without the drudge of daily life isn't giving you a true picture of what things would be like and unless you have a 100% guarantee that they wouldn't go back to how they were you'd be better off keeping him at arms length and getting on with your life.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 09/04/2014 13:19

For sure jan. I never want to go through all this agony again, would need to be 1000% sure. Funny thing he said to me be good, we need to stop speaking in riddles.

OP posts:

LisaMed · 09/04/2014 13:19

Blossomflowers I always feel like I come on here and be all doom and gloom - and you have done brilliantly.

So on the understanding you can completely ignore this...

Do you remember how you felt when he was giving money to your son when you knew it was going to be miss-spent?

Do you remember how you felt about the shed full of his stuff when you were trying to juggle bills?

Do you remember how he could be flaky and you had to drive DS to school when your shoulder was bad?

Do you remember that I was really only on the thread because so much bad stuff had happened that you were prescribed anti depressants, and while I'm rubbish at the relationship stuff I had some experience of ads?

All this can be worked through - but he has to do at least 50% of that work. I really want things to go well for you, but I remember how much of the end of the tether you were before. Sending good vibes. I know you will be able to make the right decision for you.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 09/04/2014 13:35

thanks lisa oh I have not forgotten. In my mind he needs to do 100%. Re money he has been very generous as of late. He has stopped giving DS money and taken him fishing and bought him things instead. It is almost like he does not know how to be a parent. I am hoping he will do the councelling. I placed the leaflet in his hand this morning and looked him in the eye and said the rest is up to you. He has also been very supportive as my house was broken into this weekend and car stolen

OP posts:

LisaMed · 09/04/2014 13:42

Oh no! Are you okay? Honestly, being broken into is so scary, it's awful. Was much taken? I hope you are taking steps to feel secure there.

He wouldn't be a total loser or he would never have been able to get with you. Perhaps this is the crisis that brings everything to a head and it can be sorted. Or he will get tired of trying to do the right thing. At least you are not trapped in the same old same old.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 09/04/2014 13:47

They did quite a bit of damage and stole my car. Trying not to get too upset. Hopefully insurance companies will not play silly buggers XP being very helpful getting quotes for broken doors etc

OP posts:

LisaMed · 09/04/2014 13:54

It's one of those things, ime, where you just have to get on with things, but it isn't fun. Fingers crossed about the insurance. My experience is limited but we've never had probs. Hope ds is okay.

Have the police offered any of those things where they advise you how to make your home secure? Has the car been found? What a pain, and just what you don't need!

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 09/04/2014 14:52

Police are being very helpful with that side of things. Car turned up this morning now sure what state it is in.

OP posts:

LisaMed · 09/04/2014 15:28

At least that is something. Hopefully it will be fine. I'm glad the police are being good.

When DH wrote off our car (stressed DH and low slung bollard, nothing dramatic) the insurance acted really quickly, so fingers crossed.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 11:23

Another week goes by and and myself being drawn emotionally in. I think this has to stop. We have spent most a lot of time together and it has been great. We have cooked tog, been to the supermarket like a normal couple, he has helped me out with the break in but then just ups and goes back to his "place" when he feels like it. I was not responding in great detail to his texts this morning and he has just shown up to see if I am ok. In truth I am not ok with all this. Sorry rambling and not making any sense.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2014 11:28

It sounds like he wants you there as a fallback and any relationship has to be entirely on his terms. IE he will come round for sex, ego strokes and home comforts, but the minute you want something from him (even something like a minor chore that isn't much fun) he will fuck off again.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 11:31

Actually that is not true, he has been very supportive, for example I was taken ill yesterday and dropped everything and took me to DR, having problems finding someone to fix broken doors and he has sorted that out. Truth is I think he fucks off because he is also feeling too emotional, has turned up here because he is worried about me. Just beginning to do my head in and sitting here crying now.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 11:38

Oh Blossom, what would be your ideal outcome from all of this?

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 11:41

Jan dunno, I think I am just a bit of an emotional wreck, what with the break in, money troubles. Keep bursting into tears. I was very cold to him when he turned up this morning, he asked me if I was ok, I said no.

OP posts:

wallypops · 15/04/2014 11:54

When I was half the age I am now, I lived with my then boyfriend. We split up so he could shag an ex-house mate without feeling guilty. I moved out but was still very much part of his life. I kept on shagging him, because I knew as long as he was having sex with me, their relationship was doomed. I "won" in the long run, because he discovered that apart from big boobs she didnt have a great deal to offer, and although we were together for another 6 years, I could never really get passed it.

My real point is that as long as he's shagging you, you aren't going to be building an honest strong relationship with anyone else. So he "wins".

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 11:58

You've had a lot to deal with so it's understandable. I feel there is a lot of love still between you two which is why neither of you can really let go, what the solution is I don't really know....

hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2014 11:59

All sounds like a bit of a head f*ck to be honest.
I'm not sure I could cope with it either.
I really hope you can resolve everything soon though.

On another topic entirely. Did you get your car back? Was it OK?

Can't believe that happened as well. It just doesn't seem fair does it?

You cry away - it helps to have a good sob.

for you!

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 15/04/2014 12:06

hells thanks. I think both of our heads are fucked. Think I am coping with too much atm. Feel very very depressed if I am honest

Car has been released and in a garage being assessed what damage has been done. Hopefully a right off.

OP posts:

Loggins · 15/04/2014 12:12

Blossom, No No No No!
If I could link I'd find your first thread. How come he found a magic bloody wand to change his spots?

He was a self centered cruel arse and I can't believe for a second he has changed. Help

louby44 · 15/04/2014 12:13

blossom your situation reminds me so much of my marriage breakdown.

My exH told me he was unhappy back in 2005, he eventually left in April 2006 but messed me about for nearly 2 years - and I let him!!

He had a friend/girlfriend but couldn't totally commit to either of us. I had sex with him a few times towards the end - not good!

I eventually had enough and ended the constant messing about in early 2008! I wasted so much time, he messed with my head so much! But I loved him and wanted him back!

Don't waste your life!

Loggins · 15/04/2014 12:14

Sorry pressed post...
Helping you now is too little too late.
How is your Son? He can't ever erase the treatment there can he?

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