AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

Stop beating yourself up for reading his emails for goodness sake - he has massively overreacted to that. You're married, if he has nothing to hide then it really shouldn't be an issue - he should be showing you the bloody things "ooh, look what Sarah has said" etc. Don't feel guilty for not being naive and gullible - you just quietly kept an eye on things, whilst carrying on with life, the same way as you would do to a financial arrangement - it's only when a problem potentally appeared that you had to look into it further - exactly as any woman with any intelligence would have done!!

I am sure others may not agree but I do exactly the same as you have been - I have no suspicions of DH and do trust him as much as I trust anyone - ie I know that at the end of the day, everyone will when it comes to it protect them selves first (obviously - not including dc here - they would come first for most people) and I am damn well going to look after my (and my children's) interests. DH knows I periodically check his phone and emails -he has no issues with this, never has - if he did that would make me very suspicious. I also do occasional internet history checks etc too - yes, I know he could get round it , if he really wanted to but at least I'd know I didn't sit there like some gullible idiot and believed everything I was told.

He needs to get over you reading his email and stop being so bloody dramatic over it AND he needs to get that he needs to prioritise you over this woman, friendships are all good etc but if you're not happy with it then he needs to take that on board and ease off the feeling sorry a bit - she should rely on other friends for that - not someone else's husband - he's not her white knight.

Stop feeling so guilty, you've done the right thing confronting him and you've shown you're not a walk over - if he doesn't like that he needs to find a woman who has "naive" tattooed on her forehead.

Oh, and stop comparing yourself to her - she is who she is and you are who you are, maybe she has a interesting job, but life can't be that awesome if her emotional support is having to come from someone else's husband!!

So, get up, dust yourself off, stop eating humble pie, tell him to get over it and that you will not be made to feel bad for looking after yourself when you had perfectly reasonable grounds to feel uncomfortable with a situation! If he doesn't get that, then he's not good enough for you anyway!!

Are you not suspicious that he reacted angrily because he cannot explain the list away so easily?

He is minimising and deflecting your attention away in order for you not to delve any deeper

No, I honestly don't think he's trying to deflect. When I mentioned the list he started to reply in the same calm, reassuring way, he was part-way through replying when he stopped and said 'hang on, how do you about that? I haven't mentioned it yet' and then I must have looked really guilty because he guessed I'd been snooping and it all sort of went downhill from there, not helped by my clumsy apology that told him I've been doing it for years.

I'm trying not to be a dick about this, but playing devil's advocate, one could observe that it might be significant that it was during trying to explain the list that the focus was shifted to your unreasonableness. Not that he was trying to deflect, and yes it genuinely was at that moment then that the sudden realisation did dawn on him, but coincidentally right in the middle of him expanding on something that actually isn't as easy to explain away as all the other stuff.

Go easy on yourself. Believe it's all perfectly innocent and you're the miscreant if that helps, but I don't still don't think you were wrong to have suspicions.

I'm sorry it went badly OP but I agree with the posters above telling you to dust yourself off, and particularly this:

He needs to get over you reading his email and stop being so bloody dramatic over it AND he needs to get that he needs to prioritise you over this woman, friendships are all good etc but if you're not happy with it then he needs to take that on board and ease off the feeling sorry a bit - she should rely on other friends for that - not someone else's husband - he's not her white knight.

It's his fault too -- he needs to make sure you feel secure which he hasn't done.

Oh good grief I didn't realise you've been reading the emails for years as well. I thought you'd just been worrying quietly about the BM's comments and had only just looked.

It may well be that your husband does need to think about whether he is vulnerable to an affair - but you do need to apologise for concealing a really big trust issue in your relationship for years. I'd be distraught to find out something like that about a partner and would be wondering what else they were capable of concealing.

I think I second the marriage counselling advice.

Look, he should not have been doing the list - it was not appropriate and including the distance to your house on it - what the hell has that got to do with where she lives???

No, he hadn't told you about it yet - you're response should have been "and WHY hadn't you told me about I?" - like hell should you be looking guilty- he could have shown it to you that morning and asked your opinion...

As for the calm, reassuring manner - Yes, that is the voice people use to try and sell someone an idea - stop being reliant on that - trust your instincts, you are not stupid!!!

You are NOT in the wrong, so bloody what, you looked at his emails, big deal - you are not the one trying to work out how far away another woman is going to be living from you and investing time in doing lists that could have gone onto spending time with HIS wife!! He may or may not be messing around, I hope he is not, BUT even if he is not his behaviour is not appropriate, not acceptable and not prioritising your marriage. Your focus should be making that Crystal clear at this point to him!!

Gather your dignity and your self esteem around you, stand up for yourself and protect yourself and your DC!!

Wandawitch I disagree that the looking at emails isn't a big deal.

If it were reversed how would you feel if your partner felt they had the right to check your emails or texts without your knowledge ?

If you ask / make it clear you expect to have access that's one thing. But doing it secretly to me suggests you are assuming wrongdoing and that you don't trust partner.

I don't see how:

I trust partner.

And

I secretly check their emails.

Can both be true at once.

And that to me is the problem , long term lack of trust.

I'm sorry OP, but I do think you are in the wrong for having snooped, and I am surprised that so many people are trying to minimise it. Surely the OP could be accused of 'deflecting' the accusations of snooping by mentioning her insecurity as a reason? If she was here saying that her husband had been reading her emails and told her that he felt insecure about a friend of hers, she would be getting support and being told that he was in the wrong to snoop instead of talking about it.

We have people on MN who feel 'violated' when their husbands or partners read their posts on here, and that is publicly available for anyone to see. I appreciate that everyone is trying to be supportive and kind, but by the OP's own admission, her husband did everything right when she did confront him about this friend - happily showing her his FB account, demonstrating that it was NOT actually a secret from her and explaining any behaviour that concerned her in a reasonable manner, until he realised that she had been snooping - I think I might have got a bit defensive under the circumstances.

In terms of where you go from here, I think you need to acknowledge that your revelation has put your relationship on a different footing, at least for the time being. He thought you were both happily married and getting on with your lives, and now he finds out that for years you have been expecting him to take up with one of his friends and leave you. Presumably during this time it has not consumed your every waking thought, but it must make him feel sad to know that
a) you thought about this enough to warrant reading his emails
b) you felt like you couldn't talk to him about it and
c) to some extent you have revealed yourself to be a very convincing liar as he obviously had no idea you felt like this and thought everything was fine.

I think you need to do some reassuring - explain that you felt small and petty and pathetic and a bit ashamed of being so insecure when he had done nothing to warrant it and that you should have been open with him about your worries. The fact that recent events have compounded to make this all come to a head is unfortunate but hopefully he can understand that the talk of her moving to your home-town has caused you to act irrationally and in a way that's out of character.

I do think that an unreserved apology for reading his emails is required - he has every right to be angry about that and turning it on him and accusing him of being defensive is counter-productive. Lay all your cards on the table - you love him, you want to make it up to him, you will never let issues like this fester again and you want to earn back his trust so that you can both move forward. Good luck - I really hope that you can find a way to come out of this stronger as a couple.

It's his fault too -- he needs to make sure you feel secure which he hasn't done.

I think this is unfair - by the OP's own admission, she has never mentioned what the best man said, she has never told her husband that she felt insecure and her husband did everything he could to reassure her once he knew that she felt like this. She hasn't mentioned any behaviour which is inappropriate in itself, and I think accusing him of failing to reassure her about something which he wasn't aware of could be a damaging way to proceed.

However paranoid you have been over the last decade, DH's friend's circumstances have changed in the past six months.

Let's assume DH has been wholly truthful the past decade - the fact remains she is newly single, he has felt the need to give her reassuring confidence-boosting compliments and of all the places she could choose to relocate to, she picked your town. Has she kept him on the back-burner?

She might be a breath of fresh air and have no designs on him. That doesn't mean she isn't in his fantasy bubble as someone said upthread.

Okay so you have shot yourself in the foot. Be contrite and don't snoop. Just cut down on the apologising and self - flagellation, (eventually it comes over as salving your conscience and even self - indulgent). If there was anything brewing, he knows you were suspicious. If it has all been innocent then he knows you're insecure, especially about her.

I don't think there is anything wrong with reading his emails. DH and I share an email account and it would never occur to me to be worried about him reading my emails because there is nothing going on in my life that needs to be kept from him and vice versa.

Maybe reading your partners emails only becomes "snooping" if one of you is doing something inappropriate in the context of a monogamous relationship.

I hate to be cynical but I think his anger is designed to deflect his own guilt. My theory is that on one level he can justify to himself that his contact with her is the right side of acceptable but on another he is possibly getting some degree of enjoyment out of it that perhaps crosses the line.

That doesn't mean he is planning to have an affair or anything, just that he can let his mind wonder in that direction now and then and enjoy it. More of a fantasy than a real aspiration.

Keep talking to him and don't beat yourself up for reading his emails. He is not without fault here, he should really have told you that he was helping her with the property search. Would he have told you if he was doing he same for an old male friend or would he have kept that quiet too?

This is such a prime example of how MN can whip people up into a frenzy which can then have negative outcomes for the OP.

"Say something OP, you must confront him, your snooping pales in comparison to the fact that he is having an affair!!! Or is certainly on the road to one in the very near future if you don't nip it in the bud!!!" etc.

Good luck OP.

Unless I've misunderstood the OP it seems her DH didn't start looking at houses until after she'd gone to bed. Prior to that he was doing something to do with betting - as a non-gambler I didn't really understand the description the OP gave. So he wasn't sitting in the corner in her presence making a list.

I don't think the list is particularly dodgy. If I were making such a list for some friends I might include proximity as a pro/con but it doesn't mean I want to leap into bed with them.

CowboyJunkie - I'm not surprised he is angry at the discovery you've been secretly monitoring his emails for years. If I discovered my wife had done that I would be angry. But I don't think you've blown it. He will calm down. When he does you can discuss things properly.

So he wasn't sitting in the corner in her presence making a list.

Not that it makes a huge difference but the OP said
"He said that was what he'd been doing when I'd asked and it was only after he'd finished it occurred to him to look at some houses for her."

Whether that was before or after she went to bed is unclear. Either way, once the issue of this list of houses was raised, he minimised the significance of that by painting it as an afterthought after most of his time had been spent doing something else. The detail and consideration of the list suggests it wasn't just a quick afterthought though.

The only reason I keep harping on about the list (and my apologies for that - I'm getting on my own nerves with it a bit) is because it was when the OP mentioned it that this whole thing suddenly shifted for me from "well this could all be very innocent" to "actually that doesn't sit right".

Plus, he didn't say "look, look here at this insignificant list you're getting het up over - see for yourself it was thrown together in 5 minutes with very little care" Instead he was at pains to emphasise and shift the focus to the other activity he said he'd been doing.

I would say, I'm sorry for 'spying' but my intuition told me you were lying about her - and you were.

^^ this

he is also minimising the time spent researching houses for this woman. Does she not have an internet connection of her own ?

I believe his anger is deflection and you has quite perfectly managed to get you contrite and on the back foot

Well done, him

he has

I often spend a lot longer on my afterthoughts than my original thoughts IYSWIM - ask my wife!

And I'm not convinced that his behaviour is as suspicious as you think. Putting myself in his shoes, if my wife asked why I hadn't said I was doing X when she asked I would (assuming it was the truth) start by saying that's because I was doing Y when you asked and only went on to X later. I might then ask how she knew I was doing X if I hadn't told her. If she revealed that she'd been secretly monitoring my emails for years as the OP did I would be very angry. That isn't trying to cover up or deflect anything. It is, to me at least, a natural reaction to finding that your partner has been snooping on you for years.

IrishbloodEnglishHeart - my point is not that there is anything wrong with reading emails in a situation like yours, but that's cos you both know where you are.

If your husband told you tomorrow that for the last x years he has been reading all your texts, and is pleased to tell you that thus far you can be trusted.

But he couldn't trust you without having checked what you had been up to behind your back.

That doesn't sound right to me.

I would be perfectly happy to let me wife read all my texts and emails , but I'd expect her to ask for my password , not hack it (for example, I don't think the OP hacked anything).

Sorry I have a house full of 10 year olds today so not getting much time to post.

DoJo your post hit so many nails on the head. I sent him a text earlier saying pretty much what you said in your last two paragraphs because that is how I feel. He has just replied saying he is sorry he lost his temper but he was really shocked and hurt that I'd been spying on him so long. He wishes I'd just talked to him about it, that I've got nothing to worry about and says we'll talk properly tonight.

I had to leave the boys to it for a few minutes and go and have a little cry. I think we might be alright.

Sure prh, but the crux of this is whether 'X' is something the OP (or your wife in your example) feels is not acceptable or at the very least highly questionable within the marriage. If so, there are two instances of unreasonable behaviour in question (the list and the snooping), but his reaction has entirely the spotlight to the act of snooping.

But of course, if like other posters deem it, the careful searching & suggesting, comparative notemaking and emphasis on calculating distance from the marital home and quips about types of beds is totally cool, completely acceptable then yes, sure, forget the email list, it's no biggie.

That sounds good Cowboy - am glad it's looking up.

When you talk properly tonight, OP, make sure that you also expect him to find ways to earn your trust again.

You didn't trust him. That is not all down to you, so don't accept all the blame for feeling that you had to snoop. I don't agree the onus is all on you to make this right. A relationship needs both partners to be making an effort. If he is any sort of decent person, when he has calmed down, he will be looking at his own behaviour to see if any of it (or lack of anything) contributed to you feeling insecure enough to monitor him.

FWIW for all my unease at the way this has played out, I suspect there's been nothing going on yet and it's probably a good thing in the long run that this is all come to a head now and you can move on with your lives now. All the very best, OP.