AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

So the OP would be second prize then? Yeah that sounds great...

Yes, I didn't think this was about the OP having her DH "choose" which woman he wanted. It was about the OP finding out if her DH is being dishonest and planning on cheating, so that SHE can choose whether or not to stay with him.

That was in response to the open relationship thing.

vs is getting a leetle bit carried away with some other threads on MN it would seem

if you would like to talk about sex, swinging and open relationships you need to go back and revive those, your attempt to redirect this one is rather jarring, tbh

I'm sorry that after a long time together and a nine year old DS, you still have the nagging feeling DH did you a colossal favour and compared to his recently unattached lady friend, she of manifold talents, you were some sort of booby prize.

Nothing concrete just the drunken ramblings of his best man until this week. Did it never occur to you OP that your marriage, which happened because of a ONS had more staying power than many other people's liaisons, wedded or not.

Of his various friends of the opposite sex only this one has provoked concern. Perhaps he is completely innocent, or perhaps he has always been a player but your attention was firmly directed to just this one female. Either way you now find that DH is preparing to lay out the red carpet at the very least for this woman's arrival in your district.

She may be as captivating as the Queen of Sheba but part of the fascination is a mix of nostalgia (lost youth + freedom) and novelty (secrecy, forbidden fruit, intrigue).

So you stand tall, talk to DH, say you were thinking about how lonely it is for a newbie, what can you both do to help her, show her around, maybe draw up a local list of favourable places. In other words know your enemy, OP.

PS Any earnings however modest are more than pin money don't belittle yourself.

And what's your point?

To TV

How is it fair and "open" if DH is already interested in his old friend? I thought partners don't instigate non-monogamous relationships after one or other has already met someone. That's like turkeys voting for Christmas surely.

Sorry OP I could've put that more elegantly.

The victorian from the sound of him she wouldn't be losing him quite the reverse. You sound ridiculous

He may well tell you something along the lines of "I'm not doing anything."

The important thing here is what he's not doing (IMO at least).

• He set up a FB account. He sent out friend requests but didn't send one to his wife.

• He's giving out compliments, but not to his wife.

• The house-hunting on her behalf may be innocent. The problem is that even when asked, he didn't tell his wife what he was doing. The hours he spent on it were hours that he wasn't spending (in any meaningful sense) with his wife.

• He has a friend from years ago. He hasn't told his wife much about her at all, and didn't mention that the contact had recently increased. He only mentioned that she'd split up with her dp when his wife specifically asked.

Even leaving aside the comments from the best man, this isn't reassuring behaviour.

Good luck with the talk, CowboyJunkie..

I think the most telling part of this thread is about YOUR relationship together when asked (I think a very pertinent question btw)

Things are 'ok' between me and him, I think. Just normal really. He works long hours, I run a little pin money business from home, we do things with our DS together and separately. It's not exciting but it's ok IYSWIM.

I really DONT SWYM when you say things are "ok/'normal'. What do either of these words mean in respect of your relationship???? (Or any) You got together after a ONS to do the right thing (presumably for your unborn child at the time) - and what about the right thing for both of you? Did you grow to love this man, is it a practical arrangement that suits you both, are you feeling this way about her because you are jealous or because it might disrupt something you've grown accustomed to (like an ill fitting pair if shoes but they are all you can afford type of thing). Do you talk with your partner about how things have turned out and what that means to you? I don't think YAbu to have your feelings AND i do think its worth exploring what they are about and what this means about YOUR connection and relationship with your partner --- but I might be way off mark here.
Talking good -

Gosh - I thought if read the whole thread and think I've posted after only one page - will go and read it . Ignore post if it's way out of date!!!

I'm not going to comment on 'open relationships' here anyone can do that if they mutually choose to however OP clearly doesn't wish for one and nor would I.

I just want to offer some comfort and understanding in this horribly painful situation.

I really thought this sort of thing was what my DH was doing and it hurt so much and even though mine wasn't doing that in the end, I can't forget how it made me feel and I'm still upset things were kept secret from me.

Also, in a past relationship I was cheated on and I hate that feeling of doubting your own intuition it makes you feel ill with confusion.

My feeling is that if you do have this out with your DH he WILL choose you and his whole little secret bubble of fantasy will burst because it will lose all its allure after the pain it is causing you is revealed to him. He does seem to love you, he is just exited by this 'secret thing' and when it no longer is secret and causes real problems I personally think it will be over. (whatever it was!) You will take the power away from the fantasy and hit him with reality.

Hope you get some answers tonight OP.

I hope this all works out for you OP.

A bit of me thinks that this is all in your DH's head. They knew each other for a year, tops, before he met you? It is not as if they have some huge, deep and meaningful friendship in their history. Then they have been living at a distance for over a decade, in contact only by email. Do they even know each other that well? Her facebook page looks great, but she probably has tedious habits, dull household arrangements and frustrating family members just like the rest of us. She is all but a mere acquaintance, but the problem is that he is actually encouraging someone that he scarcely knows to live as close as possible to you. Supposing she turns out to be a complete nusiance on getting to know her better?

I think that I would be dropping some of those thoughts into his mind.

Op I hope you sort things out with your dh.

I tend to agree with your assessment TooHard, and I've already said it here. If it's all just 'ok', maybe 'ok' is the problem for both of them?

Still though, I'm not justifying his secret behaviour, whatever it turns out to be.

Value yourself OP. It doesn't matter what she's like, there are millions of women out there and there's no future in comparing yourself to any of them. No matter what happens, find your own strength.

I agree with the keep your enemies close plan. Invite her into your life so that you can see how they are together. It may honestly be a platonic friendship that he has got a little carried away over.
You can't really ban him from seeing her as if he wanted to see her he would anyway and forbidden fruit have more allure.
I really feel for you OP and hope this is less then you imagine it to be.
All be well and your conversation going well maybe you and DH need to plans some nice things to do together. Build upon what you have together.

I think I've blown it. :(

I raised it even though I was terrified. We had a bit of a misunderstanding at first because he thought I meant the BM had talked to me recently. When I explained it was years ago he couldn't get his head round why I hadn't said something before now. Anyway he was reassuring me and I was feeling better. I had to mention the FB thing as that was bothering me most, I just said I looked her up thinking if she was moving here I could get to know her too. He was fine with this, maybe a bit as to why I'd think to look her up on FB but no issue with me getting to know her. I said I'd seen his name on her page and he didn't deny anything, said he joined a couple of weeks ago and had just befriended a few non-work people. I asked why he hadn't sent me a request and he said he had! He logged on then and showed me and I'm showing as friend request 'pending' on his page so I don't know why it hasn't come through on mine. I told him the 'gorgeous' comment had upset me and he said he was just trying to cheer her up because she was feeling a bit fragile after her ex walked out.

So he was being much more open and making me feel better and maybe because I was starting to relax I didn't think and stupidly asked him why he hadn't mentioned doing the list of houses for her when I'd asked him what he was doing on the laptop. At first he started to answer normally and then he must have realised he hadn't told me about it and it all blew up from there. :(

He was furious and really upset that I've been checking his emails. He kept saying that if I'd just talked to him about it he could have shown me there was nothing to worry about but now I've made him feel like I don't trust him for no reason. He made a point of showing me, quite coldly even though I was saying it didn't matter, the other notes he'd made on Monday night. He does a £2 Scoop6 horse racing bet every Saturday and he had been doing a summary of how his weekly bets had performed up to the Grand National. He said that was what he'd been doing when I'd asked and it was only after he'd finished it occurred to him to look at some houses for her.

We went to bed not really speaking. He said I'm not the person he thought I was if I can spy on him for years without saying anything. :( I've been awake most of the night, crying on and off. I've been so stupid. :( :(

OP, having just read the whole thread, I really don't think you've blown it.

You had to tell the truth, and you did. Regardless of whether checking the email was right or wrong, you owned up to it and explained your concerns. Unfortunately, though, it sounds like you're still hurting. And it certainly doesn't sound like it gave closure to the other issues at hand. As hard as it is, you're both going to have to keep talking.

When he's calmed down explain that you are sorry for snooping but explain that after seeing what you thought was a secret fb a/c you were suspisous. The things you originally dismissed that the bm had said to you all those years ago resurfaced and you were feeling insecure yourself. Any reasonable person would understand why you were worried. Apologise but remember he has been emailing her all this time without mentioning it and its someone he has history with, maybe if he was more upfront and honest with you non of this would have happened. There is blame on both sides.
Ask that from now on he is more open about him and this friend so that it doesn't happend again.

You haven't blown it. He has seriously been underplaying his level of contact/interest in her. I think he is embarrassed to be found out.

Seriously, who goes house hunting for others with proximity from their house as pros and mentions beds? He deliberately didn't tell you because it makes him look daft. When was he planning to tell you? Never.

I would say, I'm sorry for 'spying' but my intuition told me you were lying about her - and you were. I have never checked up on you before - have you been fawning over other women before or is this a recent thing?' I would explain that because of your beginnings and the bm, you've always felt insecure. You need some reassurance that's all.

Would you be able to write it down for him?

He has never hidden the fact he's been in touch with her all along, he just doesn't discuss the content of their emails. But then he doesn't do that with any of his friends that he knows and I don't IYSWIM (old school friends etc). He'd say something like 'I'm going to spend an hour or so catching up on emails, I owe A, B and 'her name' an email'. If I did ever ask about any of them, which I didn't very often, he'd just say 'they're fine' or 'yeah, not much going on, same as usual'. And to be fair hAving read his and her emails that was true up to very recently. It was mostly just daily stuff, where they/we had been on holiday and what it was like, what our DS had been up to, she'd got a cat etc.

I really wish I'd never looked, he was genuinely putting my mind at rest about it all and I was starting to feel much happier and now he knows that I don't trust him. He did totally understand why I felt insecure and was being lovely, not minimising or anything, but now it's all changed because I've been snooping. :(