AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

Then eat a lot of humble pie. Buy him a takeaway/make his favourite dinner. Apologise a lot and own your own mistakes in all of this.
But also explain and talk about why you feel threatened (your feelings are totally valid even if you shouldn't have snooped).

I'm sure you haven"t blown it. We all say things we don't really mean to say in the heat of the moment. Be apologetic, say now you realise you were over reacting. You just the wrong end of the stick and came to the wrong conclusion.

I wonder if he has blown up because he has a guilty conscience. You are not at fault here.

I can understand that he is cross / confused about the snooping, but it also seems a bit convenient that you're now the one in the wrong and his behaviour is no longer under discussion.

I would explain that you followed a gut feeling about this situation, it made you feel uncomfortable and threatened. You should apologise but at the very best this situation shows a lack of communication.

In your situation I would have been uncomfortable with the level of interest your partner has been showing in this woman. I would stay

sorry -posted too soon.

Without being overly paranoid I would keep this relationship on my radar.

Good luck OP.

I don't know, although things may seem dire right now it may be a useful 'shot across the bows', on that he knows that you are aware of the history and if he was planning to let things develop them it will be harder to kid himself that nothing is going on.

Frumpypigskin puts perfectly into words what I've been trying to write.

Apologise, but don't grovel. You had reason to worry.

Him being affronted at your snooping very helpfully diverts attention away from the fact that he has been lying about the amount of contact they have had. Honestly, proximity between the homes of the househunter and her now-married old flame is really not a typical pros/cons list feature.

It might be worth apologising for looking at the email, but I would also explain that you did it from a concern about the depth of their contact - and to be honest the content of the email didn't allay your fears.

I think he's annoyed that his little fantasy bubble of reminiscence and reliving past glories with this woman - with whom he has a lot of 'what if' s? ', and who might be seeking comfort following her relationship breakdown - has been burst.

Trust goes two ways OP, and it has to be earned. Fwiw, I don't think blind faith is healthy in any relationship- it's our nature to have a survival instinct, and you were primed many years ago to watch your DH by his best man.

Please don't think your ruined your relationship by 'snooping' - how ridiculous of him to say that!
Your relationship is getting stronger every time you share truths with each other. You have a responsibility to yourself to express yourself.

My feeling is he should be courteous to you and back off communications with his XGF as its upsetting you.
it's not his job to bolster the feelings of an x gf, by telling her she's gorgeous. I would find that hear. I think it's inappropriate.

I think it's true that men can't have women friends.

We shall see what effect his bolstering has on her, she may think he's making moves - especially getting her a house list near you - and one with a 4 poster bed..... She may mis-interpret him, and then what is he going to do about that?

Your gut instinct is not to be apologised for.

If you are still unsure about how you feel, PLEASE go to couples counselling in order to have calm and thoughtful communication with your husband. It's an investment in your relationship.

You may learn wonderful things about each other and yourself that fortify your marriage. And you may learn how to truthfully and respectfully communicate without playing the blame game.

Best of luck to you both.

I really appreciate your support but I can't hide from what I've done or get any comfort from thinking he's using this as an excuse.

I can't really get across how great he was when I first raised it. After we cleared up the misunderstanding with the BM thing (DH thought I was saying BM had been stirring it recently) he was amazed that I had festered over this for so long, he kept saying 'if you'd only said something at the time I could have put your mind at rest'. He seemed quite worried that I hadn't said anything, he asked me why I hadn't felt able to talk to him about it and I couldn't really answer. He said that she was important to him back then but that me and DS are more important to him now and have been all along, that he kept in touch with her because she was a nice person but they were just friends. He said it was only recently with her relationship breakdown and the upcoming move that they'd been in more frequent contact, he felt sorry for her and wanted to help like he'd do for anyone in that situation. We cleared up the FB thing, he logged in in front of me and I saw with my own eyes that I really have got a 'pending' friend request from him that just hasn't come through to my account. He didn't make me feel stupid or tell me I was imagining it or anything, he said that I was his priority and just to tell him what I needed from him. He said that when she moves here I can meet her or not meet her, whatever I'm most comfortable with. That's when I stupidly mentioned the list of houses and once he realised I'd read his emails and in the course of trying to apologise I possibly even more stupidly confessed I'd read them for years, it was like I'd flicked a switch. I've never seen him so angry and hurt. I can't blame him, I'd be devastated if I found out he'd been snooping on me the same way for that length of time. I wish I could turn back the clock. :(

Oh dear. Well to be fair, I think it is upsetting to find out your partner has been snooping, so I wouldn't totally blame him for being upset. The key thing is what he does when he calms down. I hope he would say something like: that really wasn't cool, but I can see how you were worried.

I agree with 'apologise but don't grovel'. Your concerns were valid. Don't let this become all about what you did wrong. Keep talking and try to set things right.

x-post -- sorry, I didn't realise you have been snooping for years! I can see why that's very upsetting to him, I thought it was just a few things recently.

Actually you might have to grovel a bit. Yes, you had reason to be concerned, but you had a long time to talk to him about it directly rather than snooping.

All you can do is apologise. Promise never to do it again. If it seems to have really damaged your relationship, perhaps offer to go to marriage counseling to repair the damage.

I wonder if it would be worth going to counseling yourself anyway -- much of this mess seems to stem from self-esteem issues. But don't beat yourself up too much, people do far worse things all the time. Just be honest and keep apologising and talking it out.

OP what is done is done. You cannot turn the clock back. I cannot say that it would bother me if my H randomly checks my emails, but if he says that he consistently read it for years, then I would be annoyed.
I think the best you could is it to apologize and say something it is time for me to put more focus on my job/business giving a hint that you are going back on focusing on yourself rather than him.

Although I bet he has changed his passwords already.

I do think that he got carried away a little bit with his old flame. Perhaps it is a good time to try and have a bit of time to yourselves to bond better.

I used to snoop myself (and found lots of wrong things) I stopped at the point where I felt that this is consuming me too much. I knew a lot but I couldnt tell that I knew. And those werent good things. Now I live for today and try to make my every day better. Time will reveal things sooner or later. I dont want to lose my sleep over it.

I have been a mumsnet reader for a few years and never posted but this conversation has made me sad so I have taken the plunge.

If its relevant I am male. I'm also married and have female friends, including some I have previously desired relationships with.

I think people are extrapolating quite a lot from "they fancied each other 10 years ago" to get to "exgf" or "old flame" etc.

And bear in mind the OP never noticed or knew they fancied each other, she has only the BM word.

But that's neither here nor there. There seem to be a lot of posters assuming that because the DH once fancied this woman , that he must be looking to kindle something. Am I to take from this that the other posters have never been attracted to anyone before they met their partners (or since ?).

I'm sure people have their reasons for their feelings but I can reveal that men are not necessarily mindless animals, we can make rational choices and are capable of being friends with attractive women without immediately planning an affair.

I asked my DP's ex boyfriend to be one of my ushers at our wedding. By the logic here that was tantamount to reckless as clearly he must have been waiting to steal her away after first dance.

I don't know why I kept reading. Looking back rationally there was hardly ever anything to worry about, just the odd compliment here and there. If I hadn't known what the BM had said I would probably never have thought twice about her. I just kept comparing myself to her and the interesting things she did in her job and it was like an obsession to keep checking the emails. I really hate myself for it now.

OP don't hate yourself , everyone makes mistakes.

But I would disagree with the people saying you had cause to be angry / worried etc. when you talk to him again , just say sorry , be sorry and don't follow it with "...but you can see I had cause to be concerned".

Just accept blame (even if you don't think you deserve it) and try to move on. Tell him you k ow you have been a fool and that you just want to make things right.

he said that I was his priority and just to tell him what I needed from him

OP sounds like you have had a heavy burden of doubt for years.

What you need from your DH is to be relived from this burden. So ASK your DH to relieve you of it - not to blame you for protecting your relationship...

If he means what he says he will see you are fighting for your relationship.
Your own personal style of holding worries and troubles deep down isn't perhaps the most healthy of doing it, but it is what you do and you've been doing, and if he criticises you for that, well he's missing the point.

You are fighting for your relationship against a perceived threat that your were primed to look out for many years ago, by someone you thought knew your DH better then you (at that point).

You have nothing to be sorry for.

Your DH and you are on the same side- you both value your relationship, and need to reconnect to your mutually held feelings and beliefs.

Going to a mediated/ facilitated session or two will strengthen your relationship no end. No blame game, no interruptions- you both need to talk and to listen.

Stop running this over and over in your mind- that's a bad habit which hasn't served you well in the past, and resolves nothing.

Book a marriage guidance counselling session to tease out what has happened, and how you reconnect from here.

I think trust your instinct. I think be honest and treat dh as u would want to be treated. Would u mind hi reading your emails if he was suspicious and he wanted to put his mind at ease?
If my ex had read anything of mine for those reasons I had nothing to hide and would have been fine with it.
I would feel wary of their relationship.

On the other hand op. I have to say and I think you should consider that no matter what we do or say you can not force someone to love you or stay with you and this may sound harsh but if there is something in his relationship with this old friend then nothing can prevent that or if he wants to start a relationship with her behind your back or up front you can not prevent it. I would not want to be with a man who didn't truly want to be with me.

Now you have raised concerns with him, let it die down a man will hide in his cave when pushed and will create diversions and throw blame on you. Do not let this be a root of things to push him away but do what you have to do to keep yourself informed. Concentrate on yourself and your relationship. Make the most of your time together. What will be will be.

I just kept comparing myself to her and the interesting things she did in her job and it was like an obsession to keep checking the emails.

OP maybe you just need to consider re-evaluating your own life a bit and maybe doing some new stuff?
I know that the few times in my life I've had thoughts like that, it's really been about my own life at the time, not about anyone else's.

I didn't realise the snooping was going on over a period of years, which makes it a bit different, not really in relation to the invasion of privacy side of it, but more around maybe you needing other things to occupy your mind?

Regardless of everything else, the pros and cons and proximity house list IS dodgy. He's minimised that as "looking for some houses for her" as an afterthought but that's NOT all it was. In the subsequent melee of your confession and his indignance, this very crucial part of the picture has become reduced in significance.

I still think your concerns were/are legitimate. If he continues on the 'YOU'VE damaged things because YOU snooped" then I think that's unfair when you've both behaved regrettably. I don't think I could shoulder the responsibility for this entire state of affairs with the memory of that housing list in my mind.

Honestly if I were making a list of houses for a friend ( Male or female ) moving to my area, I would probably use proximity to me as a pro / con ?

If a friend is moving to your city wouldn't you want them close so you can see them easily, especially a friend moving to new city having just broken up with partner , so might fel a bit isolated. ?

To flip it round if you were moving to a new city wouldn't you consider proximity to your friend who lives there ?

I think that storing up worries for years about what the BM said has been far more damaging to your relationship in the long term than snooping, tbh.

I think snooping in the context of the doubt and worry you were feeling was understandable. However, I don't think you should have allowed that insecurity to build up in the first place. I did say above that I'd be upset if a partner suddenly revealed years of insecurity about the relationship - well that is what your DH has just learned about your relationship.

I think you both need to accept the need to communicate honestly about your relationship.

Maybe a good thing can come out of this. for years you have felt insecure about the beginning of your relationship and about whether he had a sense of duty towards you that eclipsed a fancying for the other woman (no harm in that by the way). He has now reassured you that his love for his family is unparalleled to an old flirtation. You can all move on.

Hmm, I'm ambivalent on it, Bedmonster theoretically I see your POV but maybe its an instinctive thing given all of the other factors the OP has outlined, and the covert nature of it.

I can't imagine a scenario like this taking place with DH whereby if it were just a platonic friend he wouldn't involve me in the process to a degree. If he were sitting in the corner in my presence making a list like this, he might muse aloud "Such and such an area is good for transport links isn't it?" and I'd be like "maybe, why?" and he's say "oh well you know Bob is moving to PruVille, I was just giving him some idea of areas and suggestions for houses that seem good value"

But yes, I appreciate I'm coming at it from my own perspective within my own marriage and I can possibly imagine a circumstance where perhaps this may not be the case, but not necessarily dodgy.

I wouldn't send an email to anyone with each house's proximity to me as a pro, no. I think it is weird.

I didn't realise you had been checking for years op. I would be upset if you were my partner. Sorry. You do need to apologise.