How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

[ThreeTimesALady]

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

Tessa - thank you for such balanced, considered posts. I know your plan of action is the right one.

In fact thank you everyone. It may not seem it, but this is really helping.

Well done.

This happened to me. I was the wife

We are three years in from the day my husband left and my kids are still struggling.

They actually married, and now I'm forced to endure a constant barrage of shit, from two people who behave like they were the victims.

You are not a victim.

you are not suffering.

To tell everyone might bring you some kind of closure, but I can't begin to tell you the pain and horror it brings to those that are blissfully unaware.

My husband did this for 5 years, unbeknown to me. I gave birth to our son in this time, I changed career and gave up opportunities to benefit our family and lifestyle.... many things happened. The betrayal was horrific.

And you're just worried that you don't see why he should get away with it too?

Fucking hell.

You may not recognise yourself OP, but you do look like every other OW that comes bleating on mn about 'their' mm. Just look for some threads and you will see they are all the same. They even use some of the same phrases that you are using about how it started and how they can't help themselves.

The only thing that is different is that you are acknowledging that your children are being badly affected. Most ow's don't like to do that.

You want to tell his wife to lash out at him - but you wont becaue you are scared that if you do that he wont "love" you any more. Newsflash:He has never loved you - you are just somewhere for him to stick his cock. That is all it is, and all it ever will be.

Are you really going to put this seedy little affair above your children?

If you were the OW, and you had the audacity to talk to me - i would probably end up in prison.

I think you need to grow a concience and either make a go of your marriage or leave, but don't leave for this other man - imagine how your children would feel if they found out? They would think you didn't love them enough........

ThreeTimes, please do keep returning, despite the judgement. The biggest risk in all this is falling back into what is 'easiest' as you outline above. And that means continuing the affair, wasting people's times and betrayal as a matter of course.

I have to tell you something in response to your posts that I genuinely believe to be true, not that I am trying to attack you with.

He won't ever leave for you. A man who has had an affair for two years and who, in your own words 'had no intention' of leaving does not leave his wife and kids for the affair partner. Men do, don't get me wrong, But not in this scenario. I understand, therefore, why there is a vicious, punishing voice in you that wants things to end badly for him too. But you have to see the smallness of that. You have to mature and grow as a person to take full responsibility for going into this situation, knowing you were both married. You have not been fooled or betrayed, as she has. you have no right to that sort of rage.

because really you are angry because he does not love you enough, OP. he doesn't. And that's okay. It doesn't make you unloveable but it does mean you are leaning on this affair as if it has future and worth that it really doesn't have. Just because he wants sex or attention on top of his marriage does not mean he wants a different relationship, nor, particularly, that he wants you. Yet you are invested in him and his view of you. that is unreal and unhelpful. What we know is that he does not love you enough to leave for you. That is all we need to know. So you need to detach from him and the situation, brutally if need be. (I would seriously recommend technological blocking, properly.)

Everything else can come after that. I know it is hard to sever with the only thing that has been providing you pleasure (because you fucked everything else up). Because it makes you feel that you went from having two things to nothing. But trust me, OP, you have nothing now.

Don't forget, OP, that you may not be the only 'ow' he has been sleeping with over the past two years or so. If his wife kicks him out he might have someone else's welcoming arms to go to. You are dealing with an accomplished liar remember.

ThreeTimesALady... Do NOT do this. You will not achieve anything from it except a phenomenal amount of damage and you will have no control over what happens, none at all. Your married man will close ranks with his family, he will shun you and you will be left hurt and angry and clueless because he will not contact you again. Expect no other outcome.

Then you have your own family crisis to deal with... expect your marriage to be over and some messy, painful times ahead whilst housing and custody is sorted out. You will have no control over that either.

You've embarked on a most destructive course of action. Affairs are never painless, there is ALWAYS pain for somebody, somewhere. At the moment, you still have control of what happens now. You're already at the stage where you want more and you'll never have that. Even if you and the married man decided to leave your marriages now and set up home together, you would be dealing with a 'deficit of relationship'. Some couples can weather that, acknowledge what they did and grow the relationship from a new position of honesty. Most cannot and are left wondering what the hell happened?

This is not what is going to happen anyway. The only choices you really have are whether to confess to your husband. I would forget all about telling the married man's wife; that's for HIM to do, not you. Your priority is your own household.

A two-year affair is a significant time of deceit; even if you only saw each other once a week, that's still been an enormous distraction for you both. Your married man will probably continue if you wanted this too; you're fairly 'stable' in terms of having kept your own counsel for this length of time and it's risky - so as far as he is concerned, you're quite a good bet. You could turn it the other way just as well, ie. you know that he's not planning to lob a grenade into your homelife. You can't cope with this now because you want more; he will not give it to you. It's not him that's changed, it's you. Your expectations have changed and in effect, you've moved the goalposts. You will not get what you want from this man because it's true, he would have made overtures of leaving his family before now had he wanted this; he didn't.

Are you going to go ahead with this madcap plan of telling his wife? You really shouldn't.

Are you going to tell your husband? Ultimately, that's up to you, but if you can't keep this inside, write off the affair and throw yourself into your marriage, husband and children, then perhaps you should.

If I were in your position right now, I'd take some time to work through the scenarios in my head. There is no painless one, not for you. You're too invested and your feelings are going to be trashed either way. I would, if I felt that the affair was something I no longer felt happy in, would end it. That's one relationship that you can walk away from with your head erect because it's the right thing to do. Having made a decision to end it, I would tell married man 'no contact, or else'. He will get the message and won't bat an eyelid. His relationship with his wife is his own concern.

You could do that right now, it will give you valuable thinking time to decide what you want for your marriage, husband and children. You said earlier in the thread that you weren't sure whether your marriage was 'bad' before or after the affair started... nobody can know BUT I can guarantee that your marriage hasn't been helped in any way by the affair. Men can be quite good at compartmentalising relationships; some women are generally, wired up differently and it doesn't work in their favour when it comes to extra-marital relationships.

Accept that there will be pain in bringing this to a conclusion; make it your own as far as you possibly can, ThreeTimes, that's the only thing you can really do now. I'm sorry for you.

OP the only person to change this situation is you.

To the OM you are just a fuck buddy. You want more. He doesn't.

You don't know about your marriage because you haven't been emotionally engaged in it for 2 fucking years.

very thoughtful posts Tessa.

You'll be sorry if you do op. Very very sorry indeed. Don't say you weren't warned. No husband no bit on the side 2 ruined families and your reputation in tatters.. nice.
This is likely to happen whether you tell her or not.
where is your dignity?

I can't face all this. I just can't.

I know deep down that I went into this because after years of giving everything to my marriage, dh still couldn't be bothered with it.

But I was trapped financially and with the kids to provide for, so this was my option for happiness.

I don't really want OM to leave his family. I never did. But I guess, the more I'm letting my marriage get worse & worse, the more 'propping up' I need from seeing OM.

Obviously this is awful for everyone. But the only way out of it is pain & hurt for me.

Then accept what you are and what you have and be an unhappily married woman who has an affair with a man who doesn't truly love her because she selfishly claims it fulfills her needs.

accept it.

why not?

that story you're telling yourself is obviously powerful enough to keep you sane(i.e. viewing yourself as a good person), true or not. what's the problem?

I do accept it. That's exactly what I am.

The problem is that I am getting more and more invested in the OM's behaviour now. And so now this is making me miserable too.

You know.....all the 'is he gonna text?', 'when am I going to see him?' crap.

I used to be like that with dh, and being free of it feels amazing. Dh can do whatever he likes, and none of it bothers me

Except I've just swapped it for feeling that way about somebody else. So angry with myself.

Yes there will be pain. But a least the possibility of future happiness if you move on from OM and your marriage if you feel that's over.

Stay as you are now - well it's like an addict getting your next hit.

You might feel ok for a bit but your underlying mental health, happiness and self esteem is being eroded.

You know that or you wouldn't be contemplating the actions you have proposed.

You need to stop seeing the OM so you can regain some clarity.

Then deal with your marriage - ending it if necessary. Lots of people feel financially trapped but you need to do your homework.

Use the time you would have spent with OM to see a Solicitor. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to. Make a plan.

Invest in yourself and your kids not this crappy half arsed relationship.

I note that you blame your DH in the latest post. How very predictable.

An addict. That's exactly it

so the problem is that you feel pain.

you are incredibly, myopically selfish.

I want for you to find the part of yourself that understands this situation is cruel and damaging, not 'morally' or 'religiously' as if there's something separate, judging us all, but just emotionally and compassionately, from yourself. I want to support you with that part of yourself.

But you are making it impossible.

The problem is that you continue a relationship with a married man who you know has no intention of leaving, but you are emotionally invested enough and needy enough to be made sad and angry when he isn't there for you. And yet you praise yourself and feel happy that you have no such emotional investment with your husband, who you keep ignorantly attached to you because it is financially and practically more convenient for you.

I am not sure I can help you.

I suggest, again, that you attend counseling. I would also suggest you tell your DH about the affair, or at least build to doing that, and forget about OM. I think from what you have been honest enough to write here, you will probably waste your life in self-interested cowardice unless you grow as a person and find wisdom and compassion. It seems you will not act with true heart or courage. I feel sorry for you. Please change or act, and make it something that puts others above yourself.

Really? You are wondering whether to tell his wife but have no plans to tell your husband?

Massive case of double standards.

You are hurt and it is going to get much worse, no matter what you do. Accept that now, cut contact with the OM and get some therapy. Seriously.

No judgements from me, but this is a bad, bad situation and the only chance you have got of making it any better in the long term is to cut this man out of your life.

Dont tell his wife. It will 100% (guaranteed) make things much worse and much more painful for you, because he will heap rejection on you. It is always the way.

Good luck.

Can you not see this for what it is?

An unhappy marriage you feel trapped in for 10 years.

You start affair with OM to find some semblance of solace.

2 years later you have fully disengaged from your marriage.

The cost was an emotional attachment to a MM who leaves you as emotionally exposed as you were in your marriage.

Hardly progress....

So you need to take action and that's not in the form of emotional terrorism.

Tessa gave you a good list of actions to break this cycle.

Start tomorrow with step one.

I've RTFT, and I want you to think about this;

When the OW told me that DH (just a BF at the time) had cheated on me with her, it pushed me closer to him. It made me want to fight for our relationship even more, than if he had told me.

Just remember that the OW is a human with feelings se won't necessarily behave the way you want or expect her to. You may not get the outcome you desire.

Walk away, have some dignity and do not tell her.

YY to TheGrass and to YellowTulips

The fact you don't recognise yourself is because in an affair you are creating a false reality which you allow yourself to be drawn into. It damages your perception of reality, of your emotions, of your relationships. It eats away at you and erodes your mental health. Even the "happiness" it gives you is false - like a drug.

You are clearly taking on board a lot of what is said, and starting to shift your thinking. You are afraid of the pain of ending this relationship, but it is a pain which, like lancing a boil, or amputating a dead limb, can be a first step to regaining your health.

End it first with the OM. Then you can look at your marriage and how to move forward. When you started your affair, your children were small and you were entirely dependent, or so you thought, on your h. They are bigger now. They have 2 parents. They will survive if your marriage doesn't. You will survive too and you will be able to rebuild your life based on honesty, and one day, you will be able to look yourself in the eye again, and be happy because of what you have achieved, rather than because of a lie.

Be strong. One step at a time. End the relationship. Have time with your children. Build up a career and your future. Start living.

OP, Years ago, I had a friend who I have now distanced myself from because her life was a self inflicted car crash and she was seeing a married man. She said she felt addicted to him, had to physically restrain herself from ringing him, compared their affair to an addictive drug.
I listened to her chewing the fat over and over again. She wanted to avoid the pain of finishing with him, but couldn't see how to do it. She wanted a finale if you like, a way of finishing the affair so that there was absolutely no chance of going back for either of them.
She basically wanted to be forced into stopping seeing him because she felt she had no control over contacting him and seeing him.
IIRC, she asked him many times to leave her alone, change his number, emigrate I think she was joking about that one. I don't think he did remove himself from her life because they continued this affair even after she had asked him to finish it, because she felt she couldn't.

She saw someone she adored when she looked at him. I saw a weak sleaze bag who had no respect for her or his wife.

She decided to tell his wife. The MM and his wife had no DC, and my ex friend felt this was the only way, to burn her bridges, there'd be no turning back and she hoped that eventually she'd get over him and be free of this situation. Telling his wife seemed to her like the messy and painful answer.
I always believed part of her motivation was down to jealousy of his wife, bitterness and the sense of injustice she had about the situation. She was hurting even while she was in the throes of the affair, yet she said he didn't feel attached to her, didn't feel the same way and therefore some of it I believe was to make him feel some of her pain.

I'm with other posters.

Pick up your remaining scraps of dignity and cut him off. Change your number if need be. Get him out of your life, he's not worth the angst. No man is.