How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

[ThreeTimesALady]

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

Why does he have to stay for the children?

I would punch her lights out, because obviously she knew her bit on the side was married.
Then I'd be glad I knew.

*He would probably want nothing to do with me ever again.

But maybe this is for the best?*

Why can't you be the assertive one and end it and tell him that you deserve better (as does his wife by the way) and believe it.

The best for who? You?

It seems that you have figured what you are to him (a fuck buddy) and despite that are finding it hard to break away.

So you force the issue by confronting his wife.....classy not.

Personally I think she deserves to know but your motivation stinks. It's all about you and you had a choice here - she didn't.

Walk away and find some shred of dignity.

Wow, 2 years? His poor wife and children.

Are you intending to do this out of spite? You have both caused enough pain with your deceit.

Move on, end it, get on with your life and leave them to it. My guess is she already knows, wives aren't stupid.

Ah

If you know it's not going to work out (because he won't leave his wife for you), and you don't want to carry on as you are, surely the right thing to do is walk away? What you're proposing to do, and your motivation for it, is shocking.

But I thought the general consensus was always that the wife would prefer to know?

If I just walk away and leave them to it, then she'll probably never find out.

Maybe that's better? I don't know. Really appreciate getting some insight into how the other side of this feels, I'm so emotionally involved in the whole thing that I can't see the wood for the trees.

I'm kind of torn. If it were me I would rather know, and in a way hearing it from the OW would be better than hearing it from a friend or family member. Like a poster up thread said, it would be like salt in the wound knowing he hadn't even bothered being discreet. I wouldn't want to know face to face though, being around the OW when I was feeling so confused and vulnerable would be awful. Probably over email would be best. Then she can have time to process the information before deciding if she wants to ask anything else or how she feels.

But what really is the reason you want to tell her? If you know it will end your relationship why don't you just end it yourself and tell him to tell his wife?

Did you always know he was married when you got together? Did you think he would leave her for you and now that he hasn't you are feeling resentful? Or did you know what this was from the get go? Why are you only now thinking of telling her or have you been thinking of this for a long time?

Trust me, 2 years! His wife knows.

Maintain some of your dignity and walk away and if you want a relationship, find a single man.

'If I just walk away and leave them to it, then she'll probably never find out.'

Leaving them to it? Leaving them to their marriage, you mean?

I would rather not know and I am clearly in the minority. But my private relationship with my husband is just that - private. Nobody else has the right to interfere.

I was the OM and I told his DP about our affair. Worst thing I could have done if I'm honest now just left with guilt and hassle from her whereas he just wants me dead I assume.

Just walk away that's my advice, change all your contact details and as hard as it seems find someone without strings already attached.

Why don't you exercise your moral compass and decide what is the right thing to do?

str8 - that is the most sensible post I have seen from you, I know that sounds patronising but I don't intend it that way

Hope you're doing okay

I really don't know what I'm feeling, or even what I want to happen next.

All I know is I've got in too deep with this, and I don't think I will ever be able to just voluntarily walk away from him.

Ha thank you cotton yeah I'm surviving and happy. No drama from me since that day I told her but 3 months of shit from her but what was I expecting

Str8 - I'd love to hear more about your story if you feel able to share? Did you tell the wife out of the blue? What was your motivation for it?

He doesn't belong to you, sounds like he never will. End it but as a wife who found out about her STBXH's affair, I wouldn't have wanted OW to tell me, especially not for the reasons you have stated.

She knows, leave them to sort out their marriage!

How pathetic

You can walk away, you just don't want to or at least not without hurting everyone around you even more than you already have

listen to srt8

he had all this useful advice from MN for months over several painfully repetitive threads and he didn't listen to a word of it. He knows better now. (also not meaning to sound patronising, but probably does, sorry str8)

Maybe she already knows and turns a blind eye. Maybe she's got a bit on the side too. Maybe he's had previous affairs and will just find another woman to fuck if you end things. Who knows.

One of my dad's many shags contacted my mum. In her case it helped the situation. My mum had felt like the most gullible woman in the world, it was comforting to know another woman had been even more gullible in believing my dad's lies

It seems a little grotesque that you should be claiming to be interested in what the wife might want or what would be best for her and her children at this point.

And the diva style dramatics are making me feel somewhat nauseous. If that's what you need to tell yourself to justify hurting another person so fundamentally (not to mention the DC) then you go right ahead. Forget about morality, or human decency, you just convince yourself it is all beyond your control.

I'd never give anyone that satisfaction of thinking they had some how ""bested"" me. So you'd just be treated like a bit of shit on the bottom of my shoe. Because of course you would be.

The OW only tells tales because she cant keep the man she tried to snare. Not because of any great altruistic need. Act like a cunt, be treated like one

Having been cheated on when three of my friends knew and kept quiet, I absolutely 100% would rather know about a two year affair, no matter who told me. A long term affair means sustained lies, deception and emotional involvement- yes, I would want to know who I had married and have a choice about whether I wanted to continue with him. I think the kindest thing would be for him to come clean, rather than you though.

I'm not convinced you are doing it for reasons of conscience, or you wouldn't have been shagging a married man for two years. I think you are fed up with him getting away with not telling her, and want to force his hand. Don't insult her by pretending to be doing what js best for her, because neither of you have been thinking of her.

Okay, so maybe I'm not thinking of her (have never met her - don't know her at all).

But why should he get away scot free with doing this to both of us?

You are not the wronged person here! You went into this eyes wide open knowing he was married and had children. Don't even think of comparing your 'hurt' with his wife's pain when you tell her.