How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

[ThreeTimesALady]

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

I would floor you. You would be lucky to get away with a full set of teeth & a full head of hair. So I would be careful if I were you...

OP you are unhappy in this whole sorry affair. It's time to put a stop to it. Telling his wife should be the last thing on your list, you have to tell your own dh first.

Ha so you only want to tell his wife because your husband found out and so you want to destroy another family. Lovely!!

The reason he never told his wife and hasn't split up is because he doesn't want you as a partner. He wants/wanted no strings sex that you both had knowing you were married to other people. You both are devoid of morals.

By all means tell her but the only reason he will come to you if he does is because he has nowhere else to go and very soon you'll be questioning is he really working late / watching the match / working away etc.

And no I've never been cheated on or cheated. I just believe that people who cheat are immoral and not someone that I'd like.

When I read that you were married yourself, I was incredulous that you are more concerned with telling his wife than your own husband. It's so selfish of you.

Ok so I jumped to the wrong conclusion that your h knew. The rest still stands. He doesn't want you. If he did he would have left a long time ago.

No don't tell her. It is too hurtful. I would rather not know if I were her. But once I did know I would be ruthless.

Vickiyumyum, op's DH doesn't know either.

Crossed post!

Red I amended my comments

The bomb you want lob will impact 2 families.

Your behaving like a fucking emotional terrorist.

As long as your beliefs/wants/needs are met then everyone is just collateral damage - including your own kids.

FFS grow the hell up.

I'm sorry to say, ThreeTimes, that from what you are saying here that is exactly what you are in for.

You don't get it, OP. You really don't.

IF YOU TELL THEM, IT WILL BE THE SAME. All that will happen is everyone involved will be incredibly hurt and destroyed and then you will wait, taking absolutely no responsibility for the next stage, waiting to see what they will 'do' or what they 'want'. And you will talk to your lover about what is happening with each of you and they partners will maybe say they still want it to work, so you will try, but the marriage will be so damaged by the revelation that you will perceive the marriage to be even weaker now (WHICH IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE) and so you'll keep returning to your lover to see if maybe you should have actually left when you told them and you will share what's going wrong with the rebuild on both sides, but not be able to leave because you promised to 'try' and by maintaining contact you will scupper the marriage being rebuilt and by hedging, timing and cowardice you will scupper getting together with OM AND IT WILL GO ON FOR FUCKING EVER BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO MAKE AN ACTUAL DECISION BUT JUST CHUCKED THE BOMB OF YOUR BETRAYAL INTO MANY PEOPLE'S LIVES AND THEN RAN AWAY WITHOUT MAKING ANY SORT OF DECISION.

Your passivity, hand-wringing and priorities here speak so so badly of you, OP. I'm sorry, I know you're in pain but you have to listen to me when I say you hold the lives of so many people in your hands right now and you are treating it so foolishly and lazily.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?! seriously. 'You have been thinking about telling your own DH'??!! Really? how noble of you.

Decide what you want to do, then commit to it and tell the people the truth about it. Read WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS if you want hand holding by someone sympathetic through it and what you should do.

But do not come here looking for sympathy for a plan like that. Destroying lives just because you are sick of you how you're own massive betrayal has impacted YOU and you want someone else to make your mind up for you. Jesus Christ.

Agghh grammar fail - You're NOT Your.

You need to take responsibility for your own marriage before supposedly putting things straight in his. You want to do this for all the wrong reasons, mainly spite and frustration. What exactly do you want to achieve? It's like you are hell bent on destroying everyone's happiness, yet you chose this path for yourself and went down it for two whole years. Never mind saying you can't take it- tough: you chose to be married and get involved with a married man. You seem to expect no consequences!

Some good advice here. Tempting as it may be to explode the bomb that everyone's sitting on at the moment by telling his wife, who may then tell your husband for you, it will ultimately be very destructive. Even if you care about nobody else in this situation then you must surely care about your DC's. Try to think of doing what's best for them (which will be best for you too).

End the affair. I don't underestimate how incredibly difficult that might be. Cut off all contact if possible (impossible if you happen to be colleagues but you can plan to change that).

Then decide how to move forward in your marriage whether that is to try to work things out or to end that too.

That's where I am right now. OM and I ended our affair by mutual consent over 4 months ago, no contact since then, not seen him for almost 6 months. It gets easier. It would've been much harder to break off if he'd wanted it to continue so I am fortunate in that respect I know.

Hope you can do what's right for you and your DC's.

I read this back, and I can hardly recognise myself .

I know in the context of this forum it will be hard to believe, but for everyone that knows me, this horrible mess will be the shock of the century.

(And equally so for everybody that knows the OM, I think).

My priority really is trying to work out how salvageable my marriage is. Is it salvageable without the truth coming out? Where did it all go so wrong?

I have no idea how I'm going to answer any of these questions, and the only reason I'm considering desperate courses of action, is because I genuinely feel so lost.

Imagine a 9 year old girl, finding out her Dad was having a long term affair. Imagine her listening every night to arguments about it and not being able to make them stop, she's so tired going to school, not knowing when it will stop. She spends her time remembering the times she kissed her Dad goodbye and told him to have a good time. She is tormented remembering all those deceitful times. She has 4 years of counselling, attempts suicide and is a complete mess.

Fast forward 30 years, she is happily married but eventually finds out her 'wonderful' husband is having an affair and her precious marriage is over. She is a mess, almost attempts suicide and needs medication and counselling to help her through the day.

That is the reality of affairs from a child's perspective and a wife's perspective. It hurts far more than you seem to comprehend.

I really don't want to judge but I know the pain. To you it might be some kind of closure, some relief to get it all out but it causes unimaginable pain.

Please, end this in the right way.

CBA to RTFT, but you dear, are no lady.

I understand, OP. And I know that these things are horribly painful. But trust me that the sort of act you're talking about solves nothing. It just changes the appearance of the problem.

1. Get the book I recommended above. Have it sent to a workplace if it is hard for you with home.

1. Try and arrange some individual counseling for yourself. If you have been able to have an affair for two years you can find an hour a week.

1. Finish things with the OM by being honest and saying what you said above. Say you cannot cope and you know the only thing to do is work out what the truth about your marriage is. Do not make this overly romantic so you both go into pining mode. Just be clear and practical. Then block him on all devices, do not make any contact with him to allow you space and time to do what you have to do.

From a combination of these things you will have much greater clarity on how, whether and when to tell your DH. Regroup in a fortnight. Return to this forum if that is helpful to you.

This is genuine, personally experienced (on both sides) advice to help you stop feeling so lost and to stop you wasting years of your life in pain. Please consider what people here are saying.

I was lucky enough to experience the ordinariness of falling for someone who was attached at a youngish age and was surprised by how ordinary it felt as you say, I was also lucky enough that I felt guilty so when he gave me the opportunity to act on my feelings I felt enough guilt to say No, and removed myself completely from future contact. That means I now take care not to let situations like that develop because I can see that it is a cliche but doesn't feel like it when you are in the throes of adoration. Do not tell her and cut contact.

^"Okay, so maybe I'm not thinking of her (have never met her - don't know her at all).

But why should he get away scot free with doing this to both of us?"^

Read that statement again OP. You are trying to absolve all your responsibility in this affair. He never forced you into this. you werent some helpless little women who couldnt say no. you knew you were both married yet chose to ignore that fact and now you want justification to hurt his wife and him by telling her.

What exactly is he getting away with? he wasnt solely responsible for this affair. You sound bitter because 2 years down the line he still hasnt chosen you over her and so now you are lashing out at both of them.There is no altruistic motive here at all. Its all spite and revenge.

If you want to work out if your marriage is salvageable, the first thing you must do is end the affair totally.

If you do not want to do that, then you have answered your question. It isn't. And the only decent thing to do is end it.

I'm not a violent type but I know I'd physically attack you so if it's a face to face the poor wife might then be dealing with an assault charge.

Or do you just love all this shit.

What is it with you adulterers and your inability to deal with reality. Life isn't something that just happens - you are making all this happen. This shit you are creating -just own it. You are not a victim. What is your married man getting away with? Same as you???

I would definitely go for you. Its fight or flight and you have no way of knowing which way she will go.

What a grubby little life you have created. Change it. Try doing the right thing.

The fact you don't recognise yourself is that you already know you are a self destructive set up and don't have the guts to end it.

So you are thinking of taking matters out of your hands and placing the writing of the next chapter of this sorry saga on the people who deserve it least.

You are not lost. It just hasn't panned out like you wanted and you know EXACTLY where you are and you don't like it.

Top tip - start being honest with yourself at least about your motivations here.

I think that's what I am afraid of.

I don't want to end the affair. Ergo, my marriage is now unsalvageable (whether it already was before all this, I have no idea).

OM has no intention of leaving (I never went into this wanting him to leave. I just liked him and didn't think beyond that).

So at the end of all that, me and my children are in a pretty bad place.

Who's going to want to face that?

And so, I carry on with the affair (until something happens to take the situation out of my hands).