How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

[ThreeTimesALady]

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

I was told by my Ex P's OW's husband. I hated him at the time but glad now as I have a new life on my own (with my DS).
They are not together though and never have been.

Theres some really nasty posts on here. Ignore them. But even i woukd say you shoukd let him go,sort out your marriage and leave his wife out of it. Its a big mess thats not going to wirk out. Move on. I feel your pain but that seems luke the truth. X

I am 30 now op but as a child of a divorce brought on by my dad having affairs I beg you not to tell her. walk away. I was 9, I went on to be bullied in school my mum was so hurt she changed my surname. .I loved my dad but felt incredibly rejected my mum despised him (and still does)...counselling, attempted suicide, self destructive behaviour from me even in to my late twenties. dad obviously isnt thinking of his kids so please please can you. finish it sort yourself out get a new life. chances are he will just find another screw buddy and no doubt his marriage will fail anyway. ...let that be someone else's problem.

I would want to know and the person I would want to tell me would be my dh but failing that the ow would do. If they felt that strongly about each other then I would want them to have the decency to tell me themselves and not involve anyone else in their torrid affair.

What's clear to me is that you're not happy. Your marriage didn't bring you that happiness and the affair doesn't either. You now feel like the only way to trust yourself to end your addiction is to throw in an emotional bomb, causing huge collateral damage.

Please don't. That won't bring you happiness either and it will leave you feeling weak and guilty.

You can make yourself happy by causing others pain. You can't make yourself happy by making the OM suffer. You won't feel better by doing this.

Instead, write a list of those all important questions and get yourself off to therapy to work them through in a safe place. If you can't cut all contact with OM just now at least take a break and give yourself some room to think clearly while working a few things out.

It sounds unhappy and confusing for you right now but what is clear is that telling the OM's wife WILL NOT help any of you caught up in this mess.

"Can't make yourself happy by causing others pain"

I'm not going to judge you. What would be the point? It won't change your mind about anything or make thing better for the poor wife.

So I'm going to be pragmatic instead and deal with this from your perspective - which is the only one you can talk about with any certainty as you (or anyone on here) has no idea how the wife would feel in this situation because you (and we) are not her.

Are you hoping that an ultimatum to your OM will force him to leave so that you can do the same with your H? If you are, try it and see what happens. He may take you up on your offer (very unlikely, but it does happen). If he doesn't, what then?

An affair is in part so magical because it comes with a lot of the upsides of a relationship (starry eyes, sex, fun and laughter) without any of the downsides (no children, bills, etc). You know that waltzing off into the sunset with the OM and having a happily ever after is not really an option. Even if you both left your spouses voluntarily, the resulting devastation and practical concerns to do with housing, divorce, children and contact arrangements would somewhat taint your fairy-story. Are you prepared for that?

If you accept that you're not going to have a happy ever after, what is to be gained by telling the wife? Your motivation will be pure anger and spite. Regardless of who deserves what, remember that revenge takes something from the person dishing it out as well as the person on the receiving end.

You'd have to live with the knowledge that you are the sort of person who reacts with spite when hurt and angry. You'd have to live with the knowledge that you directly caused another human being intense emotional pain (because you make it direct when you tell her, whereas up to that point, the main responsibility is on the cheating spouse for causing that pain). Do you want to carry that burden? It can make future relationships harder because subconsciously the guilt can make you feel undeserving.

You may also have to face a situation in which the wife believes you are a psycho and goes on the offensive against you.

Think about it from this POV - if someone has behaved badly in a relationship with you, you couldn't possibly go around telling all their future partners about the risks because that would completely take over your own life. It's an unhealthy way to live being defined by someone else's past actions. A life well lived is always the best revenge.

What happens between the OM and his wife is their concern. If he is a twat in general, chances are he'll get caught out for something at some point. People generally do and usually when they least expect it. The same goes for you, of course, so consider leaving or fixing your marriage instead of seeking an escape outside of it.

Whenever I read threads like this, I always always want to yell - 'Yes! Tell her! Tell the poor woman!'

I find that I don't care a hoot about what your motivations are or what it will do to you, etc.

All I think about in situations like this is the poor woman whose life is a lie. Who might be - like posters upthread have done - busy sacrificing her career/earning power for some bloke who might have no intention of leaving her for this mistress, but who clearly doesn't give one shit about her, their marriage, their children's happiness - nothing. A woman who has invested her life and happiness in a shit, who is on quicksand but doesn't know it. And who might well need an STI test (he might well not just be fucking OW, and she might well not be the first or the last). And who needs to know those facts so that she can protect herself, her children, her finances, her life.

That's the most important thing, surely?

Yes, OP might be doing it for revenge and it will backfire on her, etc. Not important. She's cooked her moral goose already as far as I'm concerned.

And 'it will destroy the family/what about his children' etc. See above. The family IS destroyed, it's just still got its facade at the moment as one part of the 'partnership' doesn't know it's destroyed. Maintaining that facade might stave off the implosion, but at a huge potential cost to his poor wife.

I would rather know. But I think that, given that I would be the primary victim in the circumstances, anything less than absolute contrition and remorse from the OW would be insulting.

Struggling to see anything ladylike about your behavour, ThreeTimesALady - is it supposed to be tongue-in-cheek?

Hmm, I can spell that word that means how you have behaved it's seems

I was the OM and I told his DP about our affair. Worst thing I could have done if I'm honest now just left with guilt and hassle from her whereas he just wants me dead I assume.

Just walk away that's my advice, change all your contact details and as hard as it seems find someone without strings already attached.

Fucking hell Str8 I hardly think you are in a position to be giving anyone advice. You wouldn't let up until you'd had your big tragic diva moment in front of his wife, as we all knew you would. You wasted hours and hours of everyone's time on here, we pleaded with you not to do it, you lapped all the advice and the attention and then you fucked everyone over anyway - including yourself.

And now it's the 'worst thing you ever did'. Well ain't hindsight a wonderful thing?

Give the bloke a break, YoD. At least he had the grace to come back and apologise, and to advise others "don't do what I did, do what all these people tried to tell me to do who were right all along"

I think the wife would in most cases (but not all) prefer to know. But I think that the OW is the very last person she should be finding out from.

Because it smacks of emotional blackmail, of hissy fits and narcissistic ultimatums, of bitter, spiteful, vengeful, self-absorbed, self pitying, hypocritical desperation, every single time.

OP If you are sick of the situation then get out of it. Get out of it with a shred of dignity for God's sake. His sham of a marriage has clearly not been your concern or your responsibility up until now, so it is very ingenuous of you to suggest you might somehow be thinking of doing this for her benefit.

It is not up to you to decide if the wife wants to know. Stop trying to dress up telling the wife as a good deed. Keep your gob shut and get a man of your own if you are fed up instead of having one on loan.

YoD- you just articulated exactly what I wanted to say so much better than I ever could.

But, YoDiggity, in this scenario who else is going to tell her? Nobody. I'd still rather see the horrible situation of the OW telling rather than have some poor woman utterly shafted in a few years time when her DShit leaves her, perhaps cleans her out, and she's left thinking 'If only I fuckjng knew x years ago with the first one, I could have stayed in my job/not moved for the wanker/not put my inheritance into his business/ etc etc!

I do see what everyone else is saying, btw. I do get it. I just find myself thinking entirely the opposite.

I've never heard ANYONE on here say- 'No, I'd much rather never know, blissful ignorance and all that.'

Bruno, I would rather not know. I would despise till I died anyone who told me. If I know the marriage is over. If I don't it could survive.

My only experience of this is that my DH had an affair and told me. I snooped about and found a picture of the girl, and found her name/ where she studied (yes, she was about 19) and even where she drinks. There were extenuating circumstances and we moved on from the affair and I forgave him. But I am tortured by the image of her and all that I know about her.

I think to be kind you shouldn't give his wife (if possible) your identity as it will torture her forever.

As others have said - leave. And let him get on with it. Focus on telling your own husband what is going on and focus on repairing your marriage, if it is repairable.

OP, your identity will only torture your lover's wife if she chooses to let it.

If I could go back in time and kiss the woman who 'stole' the arsehole I was stuck with, I would! Hooray - take the cheating arsehole. Good luck, bye! Lol.

This thread is full of some of the best, most thoughtful advice I have ever read. In articular I salute tessa6 who has wonderfully articulated what I feel , but could never have put into words. I have never had an affair, nor so far as I know, have I been cheated on. But what I have read makes it so cleat why the OP should never tell the MM's wife. I really hope threetimes you have read and understood that, to destroy he, chuck the emotional bomb, will not make things any better or clearer or easier for you. It will just add more pain and distress to all the hurt that is already there. Pain and hurt to children , his and your, who are totally innocent . is that what you want ?

Don't ruin someone else's life, just because you are too weak to walk away. For God's sake, look at what you're doing...I question your motivation for telling your AP's wife....you sound like you are doing it out of spite - and she hasn't done a thing to deserve it. Get some backbone, and stop the contact. You don't need to drag a load of other people into your mess- he can tell his wife, not you.

Yes, I'm sure you can tell my DH had an affair recently and I was told by her DH. She made sure her husband found out about the affair so that it would all blow up. In some ways I'm glad she did, and we are working on our marriage with success. However, the hatred I feel for her is like nothing on earth. The hurt caused by 2 thoughtless, selfish people has touched the lives of so many other innocent parties, it's sickening. Just think about someone other than yourself.

I am fascinated by the argument that it will ruin the wife's life to tell her. I have honestly never thought of it like that.

Surely her life is already ruined? Her marriage is a lie. Her husband is unfaithful. Hasn't her status therefore ALREADY changed? Does living in ignorant bliss of that fact make it go away?

I'm not saying it's not a valid viewpoint.... Those are genuine questions.