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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

280 replies

ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 18:37

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

OP posts:
tessa6 · 01/04/2014 20:49

Whether the wife should know or not is not your concern, OP. If this were a disinterested party who had found out, I think this discussion merits consideration. As it is you are simply projecting from the real issue which is yours: should you walk away from this unhealthy and unkind relationship that is damaging you and others by blocking and rejecting this man, or should you stay in it?

You know the answer. you just don't want to do it.

Worrying about the wife is another way of exploding the situation and not having to face this because there will be more consequences, interactions and pain and honesty and drama.

Decide for yourself. Now. Don't pretend you are deciding on her behalf. You have already been doing that for years.

McFox · 01/04/2014 20:51

I found out from the OW when she walked up to me and my boyfriend in a bar and said "Hi, I'm x, I've been sleeping with your boyfriend for months."

Both of them were lucky to get out of there alive. As it was I ended up just pitying her - he'd obviously driven her to that. I still hated her for it though. Of course I was furious and humiliated, but also glad I knew.

Walk away with a bit of dignity intact while you can.

str8tothepoint · 01/04/2014 20:52

He's not yours, he will never choose you. If he wanted to be with you he's have left by now

Please don't allow this man to get to you. I allowed my situation to push me and attempted suicide twice which now I think I wanted to be dead because of a spineless heartless cunt to know it was all a game to him.

Walk away, hard I know but it does get better. Cry as much as you want but you deserve better than a pathetic man who wants it all.

Please just stop all contact, block everything, change everything. Have a mental and emotional time out to rebuild yourself as if its like my affair it was exhausting to the max

Smile, I've learned to smile knowing that I don't need him, why settle for that when I can have a hassle free life and meet someone who can be his one and only

Sorry for babbling but everyone on here I attacked because they told me what I didn't want to hear. They were right. I should have listened dont let it pass you by

And again apologies to everyone x

Mumofjz · 01/04/2014 20:54

And so the real reason emerges....... Really, get a grip, walk away and find your own man (that would piss him off big time)

AnyFucker · 01/04/2014 20:56

Aww, str8 Smile

have you met some better else yet ?

AnyFucker · 01/04/2014 20:56

some one gah

str8tothepoint · 01/04/2014 21:00

Doing it to get revenge on him really is not worth it, if your thinking she'll kick him out, he'll come running to you, your wrong.

The staying home for the children is an excuse, same happened to me. Now I feel so sorry for the children thinking of how much shit I've put in that house now. The life they will have knowing I should have just walked away will stay with me forever.

You will not gain anything at all just possibly a lot of shit from her which yeah we deserve it and a man who wants you dead and will never talk to you again

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 21:01

It all feels like such an odd situation.

We both went into this as though we were single. Just like 2 average people who met, liked each other, gradually got closer over time, and fell in love.

Neither of us ever mentioned our spouses at all. We never ever said the word 'affair'. Like as though if we just never mentioned it all, it wasn't really real.

This suited me fine at the time, and to a certain extent it still does. But the deeper we're both getting in to this, the more messy I can see it becoming Sad

OP posts:
Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/04/2014 21:02

So you're married too?

Walk away. Don't make it any more messy. Believe me I know exactly where you are with this and you need to let it go.

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 21:03

Thank you str8. It's hard to hear, but it's what I know already.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 01/04/2014 21:04

Do you have any remorse for your part in this? I haven't read any from your posts. It all seems to be about what you want.

str8tothepoint · 01/04/2014 21:04

No I'm not interested now in men he's made me see things in a total different light, and the one thing I thought I needed, a man, I really don't need

Plus she has profiles on most the gay sites slagging me off

AnyFucker · 01/04/2014 21:06

OK, fair enough str8

erm, there are other ways to meet nice people, remember

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 21:07

Yes, of course I do have some remorse.

But right now I am hurting, and I am confused.

I imagine that once/if I get through that, the guilt will hit me like a ton of bricks Sad.

Especially, the children Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/04/2014 21:08

That like totally comes across Hmm

Whiskwarrior · 01/04/2014 21:08

Do you have children ThreeTimes?

eurochick · 01/04/2014 21:09

Don't tell her. It seems like you want to do this for you. Take it on the chin and move on with your own life.

str8tothepoint · 01/04/2014 21:09

Start right now, delete, change, block

Start tomorrow with a clean slate as there is no better time

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 21:10

Yes, I am married. And yes, I have 3 children.

My marriage is screwed now, and I can't even remember whether it was screwed before all this or whether it is now screwed because of all this.

It's such a mess, and I can't take much more of keeping it all bottled up.

OP posts:
Whiskwarrior · 01/04/2014 21:15

So two lots of children screwed over then? Just lovely.

And I speak as someone on the other side of this, who has been completely fucked over for OW, who also ended her marriage. So two lots of confused, upset children. And in my case my ex stays at her house, with her and her kids, when he tells his own kids that he can't get down to see them because he has no time/money - but has time/money to travel the opposite way for her. So HER kids probably see more of him than his OWN kids do.

My kids miss their Dad desperately, as I'm sure my exe's GF's kids miss their Dad, and can't understand why this new bloke is there instead. This is the reality of affairs like yours when it all comes out.

But hey, as long as the two incredibly selfish and self-centered adults who messed up everyone's lives are happy, nobody else matters, right?

tessa6 · 01/04/2014 21:17

Three, I'm sorry to sound patronizing, but what you are describing if completely familiar and normal. It's how all affairs start. Yours is not special and all the things you are feeling, the pain and the uncertainty and the distress and the depression and the jealousy and everything are the natural consequences of what you've done. Just read a few threads on here or the many books available (Not Just Friends, When Good People Have Affairs etc etc) The way you are writing seems like you are not really aware that this is very common and your sense of not knowing whether your marriage was screwed before or after the affair is classic, cliched rationalization combined with your own withdrawal and belief in unmet needs.

You are, ThreeTimes, a massive cliche. That's okay, we all have been at points, but you need to educate yourself to how typical and predictable your situation is so you can see it for what it is: a run of the mill affair that now requires resolution. I have known these to run into YEARS with back and forthing, admitting, carrying on the affair even after admitting, leaving, going back etc etc. You need to do individual counseling and you need to break off contact with the OM in order to get some clarity on what you really feel and want, it seems like you are very very early on the path of self-awareness in this.

Even the fact that your first thought was to tell his wife and not to talk about your own partner makes me a feel a bit sick to be honest and deserves examination by you as to what it reveals.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 01/04/2014 21:17

Send a final text now saying goodbye & asking for no further contact Then delete all contact details & block numbers. Walk away now before you ruin the lives of both your families Hmm. And once the shit has settled do the decent thing & leave your husband if you think the relationship is irreparable.
You can walk away, you just don't want to Hmm

YellowTulips · 01/04/2014 21:19

You really need to get a grip OP.

It's sounding more and more that your struggling to cope (hardly surprising under the circumstances) and want to lob this bomb into the equation in the hope that after the explosion you'll be in a better place than you are now.

That won't happen.

If you are going to tell anyone anything it ought to be your own husband.

Concentrate on your own marriage and family rather than his for god sake - even if that's working out how to separate and supporting the kids whilst you do that.

Your priorities right now are totally inappropriate.

tessa6 · 01/04/2014 21:23

Yellow is absolutely right above and puts it very eloquently. Thinking that by exploding everything you will be better off because things couldn't be worse for you now is an incredibly selfish and violent thing to do and shows a lack of maturity, responsibility and respect for everyone involved. It is understandable when someone is deeply distressed, but you need to look at yourself and what this situation is doing to you (I hope it is the situation and not just your character). It is the affair which you need to put an end to and which is creating this pain. Or, separately and with consideration, you need to end your marriage.

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 21:25

I have also been thinking about telling my own dh.

(Although whether he would then tell OM's wife, I really don't know).

Tessa - toing and growing for years is what I'm afraid of now. So like, Tulips said, chuck a bomb under it all? At least it will finally be over?

OP posts:
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