anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

The OP says she wants to stay and watch TV. If she wanted to go to the cinema or the theatre, or a kickboxing class would it be different? THe point is that (by the sound of it) she and her H are getting equal time to enjoy themselves it';s just that the activities they want to pursue are different.

SGB - yes. That.

Some other points I'd like to respond to once I hit a proper keyboard.

". I don’t think she would say she was failing at meeting her DPs sexual needs unless she had been told that or had it strongly implied by action"

Really? I have felt this before even when massively reassured by my DH that he was fine etc. It's perfectly possible to judge your own actions (for example - too tired to do the kids' homework, feel bad it's falling on DH) without DH implying anything.

"What if she decides she wants to be the most important one to your partner? "

She has her own long term partner.

I'm sorry OP you have been asked to justify your choices and it seems that the thread has become all about analysing your relationship and defending your choices.

I don't know how I would describe my relationships, open or poly? I have been with DP for 16 years and I love him very much and we intend to grow old together. I am though having a relationship with another man, who is very different to DP, they both know about each other. For me it isn't just sex, I can have that at home, but more to do with having a connection with someone, if I hadn't been drawn to this person I wouldn't be in this position. I am though not quick to assume this attraction will develop into love but if it did I am quite certain it is possible to love more than one person. In much the same way I love all my friends and family, I think it is possible that love is not a finite thing. I don't dislike chocolate because I love champagne, I can like and love very many things.

I'd like to ask another question without further accusations of "bullying"

why do these "connections" that people have with others that are not their primary partner have to involve sex ?

it's a serious question

I have some very close friends that give me something my H does not, I don't need to have sex with them though to explore it

OP commented way upthread that her partner "does not have any friends"

why not ?

AF Because I'm a sad bastard?

(And, AF, you can exhibit bullying behaviour sometimes, but I actually appreciate seeing you on-thread, you don't take any crap - you're fine by me (not that this means much, given it's me saying it, but hey))

I have nothing outside of work that brings me into contact with people to socialise with. I'm not inherently social (easily verified by my posting history and threadkill nature)

That said, this opportunity to go out and meet people is good. You're right, it's not just about the sex. (if it was I'm sure there would be 'easier' ways to get that, but that's not me).

The basis of this whole thing was about sex. It has become something more than that. And that's okay.

it wasn't just your situation that prompted me to ask that question, MUS

I noted the "he has no friends" posted (was it yesterday?) and then some of the more recent situations described made me think "why not just have friends instead of shagging everyone you feel a "connection" with" ?

for those people, is it not a valid or deep enough friendship if you are not having sex with them ?

I haven't really felt the need for friends for years. OP and I are basically pretty happy. Children, house and work pretty-much consumes my time.

The sex thing raised it's head a while ago and resurfaced recently.

It's not about having friends that you don't shag not being good enough - friends would be nice. It's just this started as a "why don't you find someone else to fuck?" (not a direct quote, apologies due) and has grown from there.

And it's far from everyone. Trust me. :-)

Like I said, it wasn't just you

it's that some subsequent comments reminded me of it

AF I have plenty of friends who I have no desire to have sex with. When I used the word connection, I referred to having met one person who I fancied madly and couldn't imagine walking away from, one person in 16 years. For me it isn't though just about sex, I am genuinely interested in knowing everything there is to know about him in a way that I couldn't if he was just a friend.

Good for OP if it works for her. Good for DH if he's getting his needs met.

I really don't buy all the 'hip' stuff as if this is an empowering situation for women...and women who want a monogamous relationship are perhaps behind the times. Not saying all posters have said this, but its implyed here & there.

They ALL come down to the man's choice - this is still a man's world. A woman effectively telling a man 'look I still want to live with you, I still want your companionship, I still want the marriage, I still want the home, I still want the comfort zone - but I don't want sex so the bargain is, you shag around I get to remain with you' - is male focused. No amount of talking around the houses or dressing it up in 100 different ways will make a jot of difference.

I will give him his cake and let him eat it - as long as I can still have a piece of him and most importantly, have the comfort he helps to provide and the...drum roll...STATUS OF MARRIAGE

I am not saying the OP is wrong - I am saying some of the assumptions Ive seen that imply women favouring monogamy are somehow 'little women' & the OP is somehow striking a blow for women/making a daring choice, are ridiculous. OP is doing what a number of women have been doing for years. Its nothing new.

Mini, I still don't get why you have to sleep with that other person. When you say you want to know "everything" about that person, what do you actually mean that is different from an ordinary friendship? < am I dragging this into the gutter ? >

MistressDeeCee, I think it is in fact you who implies that the OP or those favouring a non-monogamous agreement are 'little women' and cannot possibly have autonomously consented (even though eg the OP even suggested it.)

It would be interesting how you apply your critique to my situation of a LTR between 2 women.

Since the OP wanted a bit of 'btdt' info, may I say that this thread is a fairly good representation of reactions we got from friends. Some 'get it' quite spontaneously, by which I mean understand that this is something we've decided based on our preferences and that currently works for all involved, usually giving us some credit for the honesty involved. Others don't, with many of the attitudes displayed here. (1 - You are a 'door-mat', sometimes wrapped nicely as 'You are so generous' - this towards me as I am not getting any 'action', totally neglecting it was in fact my idea in the first place. 2- jealousy will strike at some point. Well, it is not like I cannot feel jealous, but I know I can discuss this with my partner and I trust her - and myself! - to protect me by putting limits in place. 3 - It would be okay if it's only sex but feelings are so dangerous; well personally I'd be more worried about STDs and am not keen at all on sex w/out feelings for the person.)

So far, none of those who 'don't get it' have ever come around even after us trying to explain, and just as interestingly, those who do get it don't need a lot of explanation. I have not yet figured out what causes this difference.

The irony is that with the non-understanding group, I sometimes have a vague feeling that the fact that it is open and that everyone knows only adds to the creepiness factor. It is as if a good old affair would raise fewer eyebrows. This suspicion may be wrong of course.

All this is why we keep fairly quiet about it. One problem with this is it makes it harder for me to actually find someone to become involved with. The other is that friends or relatives who figure out something is going on between my partner and the OW, would of course suspect she is cheating on me, putting them in an uncomfortable position we may know nothing about.

angler - nope, it isn't.

The OP & DH are pleasing themselves, good for them. lts still pandering to what the man wants in the respect that she doesn't want to make love with him but still wants him, and all that life with him provides. So you give him his cake encourage him to eat it, for the sake of all that. I don't see that as empowering. Quite probably because, it isn't. Nor does it have to be, actually. Hence, why the pretence that it is so. It is what it is.

I don't have to 'get' another's relationship in that way. Im not actually against polygamy - although I struggle to understand 'polyamorous' as I hadnt heard the term previously. I stand by my opinion that being polyamorous doesn't sound empowering - Im not here to judge people that want to go for it tho & if friends of mine were in that situation I doubt Id be tapping their shoulder to tell them what I think about it. However this is an internet board with lots of views Im commenting based on how I see it here. Whatever floats your boat..but if you're telling people they're going to put their own spin on it. Not yours.

AF do behave!

Yes there are certain depths to peoples personalities and motivations, something hidden in most social situations, something not shared with even the best of friends or even the longest relationships. I just saw something in this man that interests me beyond what he could say to a friend and things I would share with him that I could never share with DP.

Aww, spoilsport !

I was not asking you to give me salacious details, btw

ya see, there is a contradiction here to me. For all those monogamy naysayers who say "sex just isn't that sacred to me, it's scratching an itch like going watching a football match at the pub"

a cock is just a cock, right ?

well, no, it seems certain polyamorous attitudes ascribe too much importance to sex and, mini, it certainly seems to me that you are a romanticiser and idealiser of men from your posts here

nah, no romantic and as you know, no idealiser of men and for me I didn't have an itch to scratch and don't see sex as a hobby. What is more I never thought I would find myself in this situation even though I don't think marriage or monogamy is natural to humans. For me it really is that I am very interested in what I think Jung called the inner life, that largely hidden thinking that people seldom share with others. What is more compelling, is that curiosity, that this person may in some way mirror your thinking and teach you something about yourself.

as I know ? Do I know you under another name (or has my ailing memory let me down again....) ?

why does this "inner life" require shagging to express itself ?

it's like you think the act of sex takes you to a "higher plane" with someone

it's bonkers

a good shag is a good shag, not a religious experience

if you are my ole MN mate izzyisin I will be ecstatic

It amazes me that people can't see that others get on quite fine having a different life and ideals to them.

Surely in a poly relationship you run the risk of damaging the quality of your relationship? Kind of spreading yourself out too thinly.
I suppose the bonus is no one will get hurt because there's no need to lie or cheat.
I just can't get out of my head the idea that your partner would be saying "I love you but you are not enough for me".
If it works for you though op good luck to you.

Poly isn't for me, I couldn't cope with what seems a very messy, complicated situation, I like simplicity but if all parties are happy then great.

What worries me about this situation (apart from the fact that OPs DH's sexual needs seem to come first) is that you are only one month into this situation so very much a honeymoon period. You are all amazed at how well this is going and how easy it all seems, almost evangelical about how great this WOL is, hence wanting to excitedly chat about it on here....but there are a few posters on this thread who have tried this poly/open business and found that the road wasn't all that smooth when they got into it. Who knows what lies ahead.
I know a few poly people (not sure what you call it) and what strikes me about them is how smug they can be (might just be these people in particular) and how evangelical they can be about their lifestyle versus say, my 'controlling, jealous, unrealistic' lifestyle of being monogamous.
One of them appears to be poly purely because he would shag anything (and though they harp on about the relationship aspect, it really boils down to the sex)
As someone asked upthread, why can't you have a connection with others without fucking them? I don't think anyone answered that.
Although advocates of the poly lifestyle will disagree, and I'm sure it works great for some people, the balance is out of kilter with this situation. Time will tell I guess.

OP you said you started this thread to chat to those in similar relationships and chat about problems that can arise. Did you have any problems in mind?

It depends how it works. If the primary relationship is getting enough attention then it doesn't matter what the people do in their own times. That's true in any relationship, when mine was going wrong it was because my OH was spending far too much time with his mates, too much time gaming and no time with me, his children, helping around the house etc. It didn't matter if he was playing games at his friend's house or maintaining another relationship. If he had been helping around the house and giving the rest of us time then and not spending so much time out it would have been a good balance.

As far as the OP family is concerned everyone is getting exactly what they need, the primary family is cared for, OP is getting the right amount of sex for her and her OH is getting enough sex for him. If they feel he's being spread too thin then they will probably evaluate the situation. I'm assuming that as this is all done very openly and the secondary relationship is old hat at this it is something that would be openly discussed and understood all round if it is an issue.