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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

anyone else in a poly relationship?

406 replies

cakeymccakington · 31/03/2014 17:46

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 02/04/2014 19:37

"apart from the fact that OPs DH's sexual needs seem to come first"

I don't see how that is true, her sexual needs are equally fulfilled.

SirRaymondClench · 02/04/2014 20:53

So as long as he does a bit of hoovering, plays with the kids a bit and washes up now and then, it's cool if he fucks someone else? Hmm

Conducting a relationship with another woman is not the same as hanging out at a mates house playing a game (and why is it considered normal in this day and age for a fully grown man to play computer games at a friends house like he is 12?)

confuddledDOTcom · 02/04/2014 20:59

Who said anything about computer games? Hmm

In your relationship, no it's not cool. We're not talking about your relationship though.

SirRaymondClench · 02/04/2014 21:10

Who said anything about computer games? Hmm

Er.. you did Hmm:

mine went wrong because my OH was spending far too much time with his mates, too much time gaming and no time with me, his children, helping around the house etc. It didn't matter if he was playing games at his friends house..

No. It's not my relationship. For some reason I don't think it will be OPs either in a few years although I'm not sure why. I'm not against poly relationships if that's what all parties want, but I have yet to hear of one that works well long term and as I said, something is off with the balance here.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/04/2014 21:25

I can't see anywhere in my post I mention the word "computer" so maybe you want to help me out?

Actually, I've just copied my post into word and it didn't find it either. Hmm

According to a page search SGB was the first person to mention the word before you did telling me that grown men shouldn't go to their friends houses to play computer games.

How many people in poly relationships do you know? The people I know in them are very happy and it hasn't been an issue 20+ years on. Their relationship together is better than some people I know in monogamous relationships.

BTW, is it OK for grown men to play Doppelkopf at friend's houses? (bet you can't answer without a Google search)

SirRaymondClench · 02/04/2014 21:38

Ah maybe your OH plays Cluedo or Monopoly. See when my 13 year old is 'gaming' with his mates, it means they are on their XBox's and not playing Hungry Hippos Hmm

Actually I know a few people in poly relationships. You don't get the monopoly on knowing people with differing lifestyles I'm afraid.

No I don't happen to think it's normal for fully grown men to play XBox/PS3 or whatever. I think that's the preserve of kids. That's what they are for, not man-children.

BTW I wouldn't waste my time googling whatever bullshit you believe I should be googling on your behalf. Get a life!

FastLoris · 02/04/2014 21:45

AF -

why do these "connections" that people have with others that are not their primary partner have to involve sex ?

I'm not sure I understand the point of the question.

Surely in a liberal secular society where people have the right to shag whichever consenting adult(s) they want to, and negotiate whatever kind of relationship with their partner they both want to, the more relevant question is "why shouldn't they?

Presumably they involve sex because the people involved fancy each other, and see no reason not to. Is any further answer required?

confuddledDOTcom · 02/04/2014 21:51

No, he doesn't play Cluedo and Monopoly, he plays games like Doppelkopf. Complicated German card games that make absolutely no sense to me but they can play into early hours. Funnily enough I don't make it a habit of getting into relationships with people who are 13! He's not really into xbox or playstation either. They say they're having a gaming night because lots of people get together and play.

I wasn't asking you to Google it, I was making the point that there are more games out there than can be played on a computer but you seem to not be aware of any games for adults.

I didn't for one minute think I did have the monopoly but you assertion that everyone you know in a poly relationship has gone wrong makes it seem like you have questioned everyone in that type of relationship and they have all gone wrong. The reason I asked is that I do know more than usual from the places I hang out online (trying not to get into too much detail on my own sex life as it's irrelevant). It is far from the truth that every poly relationship fails.

Funny how when I talk about a relationship that went wrong you insist on talking about my OH in present tense.

SirRaymondClench · 02/04/2014 22:04

It is a fact that everyone I know that has been involved in a poly/open relationship has had no end of problems. That could be down to the people they are or just bad luck. I'm sure there are many great, happy ones. As I said I am not against poly relationships if that is what all parties truly want but that does not alter the fact I don't personally know of any successful ones.
You have a very odd way of twisting things. You've not bothered to read properly anything I wrote in the first place and somehow you've twisted it all round to be all about you Hmm

Anyway OP I hope this works out well for you. Can I ask out of curiosity, the first time your DH stayed/was with his partner, how did you feel? Were you nervous or worried? Genuine question.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/04/2014 22:13

I haven't made anything about me. And what have I twisted?

I haven't disagreed that everyone you know that is into it has gone wrong, I just said you haven't surveyed everyone. This is known as anecdata. I would not extrapolate from my anecdata that all of those relationships survive, I would say that the same as monogamous relationships polygamous relationships have varying results. You should come and hang out in some kink groups, but I guess it could be that we'll all split up eventually in our various kinks, eh.

You started on "my OH" who you assumed plays computer games and I was answering that.

differentnameforthis · 02/04/2014 22:50

and women who want a monogamous relationship are perhaps behind the times. Not saying all posters have said this, but its implyed [sic] here & there.

I certainly haven't read any such implication.

Lovingfreedom · 02/04/2014 23:00

Does anyone really regard this as a progressive and/or non patriarchal relationship?

AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 23:09

Fastloris, I think you misunderstand the premise of a rhetorical question

TheVictorian · 02/04/2014 23:33

SirRaymondClench could the same also be argued with people in a monogamous relationship considering how many people have affairs or emotional affairs ?

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2014 00:19

It's very very rare to be so inherently monogamous that once you have found a person to have sex with you will never ever ever feel the slightest stirring of sexual attraction to anyone else ever again. (There was a MNer who was that monogamous. She used to tell everyone about it. At rather more length than most of the rest of MN really appreciated.)

Actually, it's quite often the people who are most obsessed with the cult of monogamy who cause the most pain and distress to their partners. Because the deluded dimwits who are obsessed with the idea of The One tend to dump partner after partner, with complete ruthlessness, the minute they find themselves getting a twinge in their underwear over someone else. Because, you know, if they fancy the new neighbour/workmate/evening class teacher then that person must be The One and therefore every other relationship in their lives becomes disposable. Because once they are with The One they will never look at anyone else.

Some people choose monogamy because they find that, on balance, it makes for an easier and more comfortable life for both them and the partner of choice. That's fair enough. Some people openly reject monogamy because they are sufficiently self-aware to know that they don't actually like the idea of restricting themselves to one sexual partner. Some people reject monogamy because they know that they are not particularly interested in sex and therefore don't wish to put a partner in the position of perpetual sexual frustration.

But the prevalence of the monogamy cult means that an awful lot of people bleat on about the vital importance of monogamy and then cheat on their official partners or are cheated on by them.

MistressDeeCee · 03/04/2014 00:50

Any relationship can work as long as both partners are on the same page. No 'one' style will work better than the other if 1 is cheating and lying to deceive the other into a lifestyle they didn't sign up for. Whether monogamous or polyamorous.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2014 03:15

I don't see that as empowering. Then you don't have to do it.

The op said she feels it is right for her, she finds it empowering. THAT is what YOU need to understand. YOU don't need to be empowered by her relationship, so how YOU view the finer details, isn't her concern.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2014 03:29

SirRaymondClench Why are you determined to turn this into a bun fight? The issue is being discussed in an adult manner, but your posts to confuddled are rude at best!

Perhaps you need to unclench.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2014 03:37

It is a fact that everyone I know that has been involved in a poly/open relationship has had no end of problems

And everyone I know who has been involved in a same sex relationship has had no end of problems.

I only know of 2 relationships though, so that doesn't give me enough anecdotal evidence to say that all gay relationships fail! Or the insight to say that all gay relationship WILL fail.

nkf · 03/04/2014 07:37

First marriages (the most socially desirable kinds) have a failure rate (if defined by ending) of around 40 per cent. Hardly a success story. And that's not including the miserable ones. And of course lots of married people are in polygamous relationships; they just don't know it.

wonderingwendy · 03/04/2014 07:40

I could never share my boyfriend with anyone.
It would kill me.

SirRaymondClench · 03/04/2014 07:59

Different I didn't say ALL poly relationships will fail, nor did I claim to know all about how poly relationships work. I don't. If you read back I said the ones I know personally were riddled with problems, but I am sure there are many successful ones.
Of the ones I knew, sooner or later jealousy was a factor and someone wanted more than was on offer to begin with.
I am not determined to make this into a bun fight.
I really don't care enough.
I was simply adding my view, which last time I checked, this was an open forum in which I could do so.
Hmm

saffronwblue · 03/04/2014 08:09

and women who want a monogamous relationship are perhaps behind the times. Not saying all posters have said this, but its implyed [sic] here & there.

Yes, in the comment about whineyarses who aren't cool enough to go to gigs after they have DC.

OP hope you don't find yourself at home struggling with a colicky baby, mastitis and little ones reacting to a new baby while your DP is out enjoying intimacy with another woman with a 'better' libido. In your shoes, that would piss me off..

MichaelaS · 03/04/2014 11:10

I find the idea of poly interesting, but one I have personally rejected for a variety of reasons.

To answer the OPs original question, practical concerns I would have are...

Financial - have you discussed spending money on the secondary relationship vs the primary, eg taking the secondary partner out for dinner vs saving for the children's future. Might be something all 4 of you need to discuss as secondary woman's DH is financially involved in her life too. Unless both couples have similar incomes and disposable cash this could easily be seen as unfair.

Splitting up - have you discussed what happens I the event of either primary relationship failing? Or (heaven forbid) someone dying? If this is a very long term thing what happens in retirement etc? Is there ever a stage when you might all live together or retire into the same sheltered accommodation etc? Should you make any specialist provision in wills etc?

Telling the children - do you ever want to do this, why or why not. What happens if older children suspect an affair (misunderstanding the consensual element of poly) or if others outside the relationship reveal it? Do the other couple have children and do they / might they know each other eg same school, same clubs?

STDs - what happens if someone tests positive for an STD? Eg other woman's husbands partner. Under what circumstances would sex be halted or stopped permanently?

Other major life changes - who has what veto over major life changes like job or career change, moving house locally or further away, taking further partners into the situation. or if someone gets seriously ill. Who has next of kin status, who wants a say in end of life medical situations, who gets to visit the hospital if someone has an accident? who is involved in decisions about conceiving future children - if you wanted a fifth child that might have implications for your libido and therefore your husbands sexual desire for the other woman, so does she get a say?

If there is infidelity who expects to tell whom? Eg if OP had an unsanctioned affair or one night stand, is the secondary relationship expecting to be informed?

Basically, think about the reasons any relationship struggles - money, unfaithfulness, unfair burden of domestic work, perceptions of freedom and value (eg unthanked domestic drudge vs celebrated career), sickness, old age and/or dementia, and work out what that means for your setup.

One of the reasons I think monogamy works for most is that we have a huge cultural history of how to deal with these situations in a monogamous marriage. Next of kin rules, inheritance, spousal pensions etc are all set up with this in mind and most people have clear expectations of these situations as well as the sexual fidelity aspect of marriage. If that set up doesn't work for you he you need to discuss everything, from scratch, and make your own agreement. It sounds like you are sensible enough to be doing that.

Good luck, be safe and enjoy it!

cakeymccakington · 03/04/2014 12:46

Hey!

I've been trying to keep up with this thread but it's been moving quite fast.

had some other stuff going on in real life (child-related rather than relationship-related) which has taken up most of my available head space, so I haven't felt able to come on and reply to the many more questions and points raised.

I did want to just acknowledge and thank angler though, who registered just to post :) i appreciate that.

and to post a couple of things that I know were mentioned/discussed and that I was thinking about earlier.

firstly, the sitting at home watching tv has been taken slightly out of context. when I referred to that I was talking about when DP is out with someone else, I quite like that opportunity to have a quiet evening in. That doesn't mean it's all I ever do, or all I want to do.
I go out far more than DP does, both during the day and for evening stuff. I have hobbies I like, one of which I've just found a local group running for, and I plan on going along to twice a month.
I'm certainly not JUST sitting at home looking after kids, watching tv and doing housework

I think some people are under the impression that i'm oppressed, stuck at home doing all the childcare etc and that simply isn't true.
I think I mentioned further down that I had spent the evening chatting with Shelby while DP cleaned the kitchen... something he does every night. He also nearly always gets the children to bed, and he gets them up and ready for school in the morning while I lie in bed demanding coffee Wink and then takes them to school.
Our household chores are spread well, same as anyone in any relationship

Someone asked about what will happen after the baby is born and i'm stuck at home. We've discussed this and basically it's the same as it always is. DP/other partner can meet up whenever it's mutually convenient for everyone in the relationship. that's him, her, me and her long-term partner.
No-one has any expectation of DP being anywhere but with me and the children for at least a couple of weeks after the birth, unless I am happy with him going out. And that is how it is now and how it will always be. if any person involved is not happy then it's talked about and sorted out...

Do I know the "other woman"? yes. again, something we're taking as it comes. Initially I didn't want to know anything, but as time has gone on I found I wanted to know more and we've talked and are friends on FB and it's all good.

OP posts:
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