anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

I definitely want and ensured I got a monogamous relationship. I have no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with anyone other than my DH of 30 years. I think it's much more fun and if you think having sex with the same guy for years on end is dull then perhaps you are doing it wrong

The thought of growing old with my DH makes me very happy.

I often find other men attractive and other woman for that matter but it wouldn't cross my mind to be flirty let alone to actually want to bonk them.

Just as I think a lot of people would be happier without kids I think there are a lot of people who would be happier not settling down with a partner. There is nothing wrong with not settling with one person if that is what suits you.

also wanted to say that although this is not really how I wanted this thread to turn out and I have at times regretted starting it, it's been a pretty interesting read.

I appreciate people taking time out to post, even the critical ones.

I can honestly say I don't think there are any issues that people have raised on here that DP and I hadn't already discussed in depth. But it's always good to have other peoples perspectives on things and to maybe view stuff in a different way. And this thread has probably prompted us to go back over a couple of things and re-examine how we feel about certain aspects of the relationship. again, all good stuff!

Have not read the whole thing. I think that whatever goes on between consenting adults is fine provided there are no DC involved.

In my DDs school one of the girls has a similar set up to this one going on at home. Things never stay a secret, she was bullied beyond belief to the extend she had to move schools.

If this life style appeals than great, go for it but perhaps consider not having DC. Once you have them life is no longer your own. Most parents make sacrifices in different ways... Can't imagine it being normal for a DC to grow up in this way. Think the OP being pregnant in this situation makes it even more Yuk. No STI test is foolproof.

Very enlightening thread. Thanks OP!

It certainly has been an interesting thread and has made me consider in the near future if its a style of relationship i may consider (either that or swinging).

I dont call what the op has a marriage.
To me it is well and truly broken. They both chose to break it. Because it wasnt working for both of them. One or other could have chosen to compromise or work at it. But both chose not to go down that route. Their choice obviously.

So what is left now is multiple relationships.

I suppose, legally, it is still a marriage.

lol

yes that's right. we just got up one day and thought hey, you know what? let's wreck our relationship

we've done compromise. we've done working on it.
we've been together for 10 years and this issue is not new.

but hey, why let facts get in the way of a good old bitch on the internet? i mean, you clearly know us far better than we do. which is nice for you.

oh and for the record, we aren't married.

Thought you were married somehow.

In which case, it is relationships.
Your choice how you do that.
People do all sorts.

indeed it is.

Thanks sticks. :-)

Everyone, Question; what's the nomenclature for multiple partners? dp1, dp2?

126sticks throughout this thread you have been harsh and disrespectful towards the OP. No-one is saying you have to do it, they chose that sort of relationship and I can say it seems much happier and calmer than a lot of monogamous relationship. Nothing seems 'broken' at all.

god im glad not everyone has to live in the terribly narrowly defined definition of marriage as 1 man, 1 woman.

fine if it works for you, but to say that the marriage is only working if you've strictly got 1 man 1 woman and sex only between them... brrr.

quite apart from the fact that some people really are happy in alternative models, a notable part of the world practices or practiced polygamy and a few minor cultures polyandry.

I'm sure some people are selfish twats in polyamorous relationships ... and a lot are really selfish twats in monogamous relationships. But the OP and her partner seem to have discussed this is a great deal more detail than a hell of a lot of 1-and-1 marriages, including a lot of the possible consequences.

Good luck to you, OP and partner and other lady

And another thing about the obsessively monogamous - they are historically illiterate as well as unimaginative. Many cultures have designed and practiced forms of marriage which are not monogamous at all. They may not have been all that desirable and traditional superstition-based polygamy is certainly as patriarchal and anti-female-autonomy as contemporary heteromonogamy but anyone waa-ing and baa-ing about how marriage must be One Man One Woman reveals themselves to be as thick as the sort of people who insist that Christmas is a totally Christian festival...

ChlorineIsMyPerfume - Have not read the whole thing ...Think the OP being pregnant in this situation makes it even more Yuk. No STI test is foolproof.

Perhaps read a little bit more of the thread....

To me it is well and truly broken

Doesn't really matter how YOU define it.

I don't think it is broken. It is working quite well.

What does working badly look like?

Look on the relationship board

Where one partner is having an affair behind the others back
Where DV occurs
Where rape occurs

Do you really need to be to told that?

I'd say honest assessment of genuinely differing needs, open communication and working out of options and how to handle them = a well-working relationship / marriage.

Seems to me these people are listening to each other, thinking clearly and carefully and trying to take each other into account. They have clear boundaries - bit further out than most people's, but they are there - and they are communicating well. They are open to re-negotiation if it stops working for one side or the other.

There are a lot of what-if's but these are the things they are talking in depth about!

There's a lot of very unhappy marriages where the level of sexual interest varies in the long term (excluding relatively short term loss of interest due things like post-childbirth or illness). Some married people don't think that that matters but their partners do. They talk it over, the uninterested partner makes it clear they're not interested, but it leaves a deep need of the other partner unsatisfied and deeply frustrated. The other partner closes their eyes to that. Also there's often a mismatch about showing affection or taking shares of childcare or of housework. Happens a lot, doesn't it?

Seems to me that those marriages are a lot more broken than this one, when one person is pretty deeply unhappy and the other closes their eyes to it.

Do you really need to be told that?

In which case it comes down to standards.
My standards of what makes a decent relationship are way higher.

And so should everyone's be.

Else a relationship becomes self destructive.
And sure as heck does no good to a person's mental health and self esteem - all vital for a woman. Absolutely vital.

Meerka, that's a great post

And if there are not enough "decent" men to go round, it is better to be single.
At least you keep your self respect and mental health and self esteem.

Why do women put up with anything less.

And yes I know I will get yelled at and probably more.

I see no signs of lack of self respect in cakey and her mental health appears just fine from her posts.

She's not putting herself down, she and her partner seem laid back and as if each are in control of their lives and their needs and well above average in terms of their communicatoin.

There are more models of 'decent' and 'standards' that ones based only one rigid model of sexual behaviour. Excessive closed mindedness is sure as hell destructive to people around them.

Boy am I glad that there's more than one way of doing the commitment-thing in the world.