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Original poster

Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

391 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 31/03/2014 17:10

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

OP posts:
DocDaneeka · 11/04/2014 16:26

LMFAO @ daddy-buy-Donald's

onmy own you are inspirational. You are doing so so well. Ps if you do decide to try out tribpots suggestion, please video and post to YouTube. I think it'd be an internet sensation :)

Anniegetyourgun · 11/04/2014 16:49

You were wondering what OW has that you haven't. She does have one major advantage that you can't possibly compete with: novelty.

What a shame that never lasts.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 11/04/2014 17:02

Still can't help thinking that he's going to be having a lovely weekend recapturing his youth, swanning around with her..I meanwhile will be ferrying the children round various parties, trying to work out how I can be in two places at once as they have separate events miles apart..I wish I could stop imagining what a lovely time they're having..How do I get the tosser out of my head..I hate all these thoughts of them laughing and thorougly enjoying themselves while I'm killing myself trying to pick up the pieces. He seems to think he's so magnificent and such a responsible father for having them a few afternoons a week..It's such a tiny part though of the day in day out caring. I would not be without them but I'm resentful that he can just walk away and take it for granted that I'll do everything while he enjoys himself

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 11/04/2014 17:52

Still can't help thinking that he's going to be having a lovely weekend recapturing his youth, swanning around with her, yes but people will either think he is with his daughter or more likely that he is a dirty old man.

Holdthepage · 11/04/2014 18:08

I am a bit of a lurker but this bit has really bugged me on your behalf;

He has just sent a long list of dates he is away with his girlfriend when he won't be around to have the children.

This is a ploy, look at me & what a wonderful life I am going to be having, the twat! Have these replies from me;

Your future plans are of no interest to me.

I don't give a rat's arse about your plans with your GF.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 11/04/2014 18:20

Clutterbugsmum and Holdthepage you're both right. Something quite sad about a man of nearly 40 who had four children making all these plans away with these twenty somethings..It's just he made such a song and dance about I left you not the children but planning all this time away without even thinking about them doesn't really back up his lovely father driven away by a terrible wife theory

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 11/04/2014 18:32

Actually, I would be putting my foot down about this. He should have regular set access days and HE can work round THAT, not you working round his romantic/social life. What a bloody cheek. Don't be a doormat my darling, he can't swan in and out as he pleases, it's not good for you OR your DC. Also, remember everything he is telling you is for your benefit...so would take with a large pinch of salt! xx

Walkacrossthesand · 11/04/2014 18:39

onmyown, it takes a while to get there (and it's painful at first) but one day you too will have 'swanning around' time, when the children are with their dad and you are, for a few precious hours, free. Not a freedom you wanted, but free nonetheless, and you will come to enjoy it. And you won't have thrown away a marriage to get it - his freedom is like King Midas' golden touch - a heavy price has been paid.

Chunderella · 11/04/2014 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 11/04/2014 19:45

Every time you start pining for the life you think you had with him and she now has, think of your child's face when they are told daddy has left, think of his creepy texts about his welcome into the OW family, think of anything but him and her. It really isn't good for you and it won't even be real in a few weeks when she is nagging him as there is no money for dinner since he has to provide for you and the children.

Lweji · 11/04/2014 19:49

I'd be sending him the CSA (current equivalent) calculations as to what he needs to pay if he's only spending a couple of nights a week with the children.

Or a reply thanking him for the advance warning and telling him that when the children start missing him less and less, not to complain.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 11/04/2014 20:19

I think what's getting to me is that after 14 years of love and support and building a family together we are ultimately so dispensable. I don't want him back but I hate that he's made me feel so worthless. Kids have never really mentioned him. He was absent for the best part of a year, working late, overtime weekends. Gullible me believed it and worried about his long hours when actually the pair of them were having a lovely time.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 11/04/2014 20:22

Only own, I have read your threads but I don't think I have commented before, but wanted to today.

I can totally understand that his weekend away with OW and that they might be laughing and having fun must grate like hell. But please can you take a step back and think about what has more intrinsic worth, your time spent with your children helping them grow socially, academically and emotionally or his morally bankrupt sleazy affair. You wouldn't swap places, would you? Your children will remember.

Also, please do keep the list of times he is not available, not such a great picture of someone going for custody (agree with others "as if!" And that he sent you that in a pathetic attempt to make you jealous).

Oh and she doesn't have the life you had with him, she has some ridiculous mid life crisis man who deep down she can't really trust. I could almost pity her.

Lambzig · 11/04/2014 20:24

Cross posted. Think about the amazing job you are doing with your kids. Not exactly worthless.

Lambzig · 11/04/2014 20:28

Oh and re no one wanting a woman with four kids, my good friend with four children got dumped by her husband three years ago. Last year she married a fabulous man with three children and is absolutely loving their chaotic but happy blended family. My SIL has three children and has just moved in with a lovely man who was single before meeting her and who 18 months on is a part of all their lives. These are two examples in my extremely limited social circle.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 11/04/2014 20:33

Thank you Lambzig, you've given me a real boost. No carefree weekends away could make up for not being part of the children's lives. He must be mad. I do feel a bit sorry for his girlfriend. He'd have happily cheated on her with me so he's obviously not loyal to her even in the first flush of love stage.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 11/04/2014 20:42

Ye Gads, what a total cock he is. I can absolutely understand why your brain plays images of him swanning around carefree with his shiney new younger girlfriend on his arm. He will, guaranteed, when the first flush of whatever it is wears off, regret his actions. And it will be at a time when all this trauma has passed for you, you have re-invented yourself, look fucking fabulous, the kids will have nothing but withering pity for him and he will kick himself.

All the best to you x

clam · 11/04/2014 20:59

So, have I got this right? He's threatening to give up his job, so he can have 'custody' of the DCs, but has now given you a list of dates when he can't have them at all, even for access, as it would interfere with his social life?

Twat!

Holdthepage · 11/04/2014 21:17

I hope you saving his emails Onmyown.

Itsfab · 12/04/2014 07:37

I would be getting in quick with a divorce and finalising maintenance as he will come crawling back once she is fed up with him.

Don't allow him to make you feel worthless. You aren't and he doesn't control how you feel once you refuse to accept it.

When your children are grown they will remember it was mummy that waved from the touchline at football, mummy who held the sick bucket, mummy who bought and washed their clothes, mummy who cooked their favourite dinners when ill and daddy who was hardly ever there..

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 12/04/2014 08:39

I know all that logically but along with the fantasy life I've created for them as a couple I imagine them being the fun couple for the children. Days out, holidays. I'm the one dealing with stroppy behaviour and washing. I am so paranoid that they are going to enjoy being with this woman more than me. She's only 14 years older than my oldest maybe she'll relate to him better. Having said that we're packing a picnic and off to a farm park for the day. I'm trying not to let the children see the state I'm really in. Trying not to wallow in self pity and here is a real help as it's where I get it all out of my system. Pleased with myself for not responding to his how are you text last night. It's none of his business

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 12/04/2014 09:12

That's the way to go...silence. You have to stop imagining that this is all wonderful, it won't be and isn't. He's sleeping on the sofa at his mum's remember?! I still would be putting a stop to this myself. They are not living together, there is no joint home for them to go to, so why does he feel the need to introduce your children?! Self pity away my darling, for a bit, then find something lovely to do to enjoy the day and the peace! x

Lambzig · 12/04/2014 09:46

Good morning. I think you need to give your children some credit, I am sure they will know exactly who I'd the close caring parent here and I can't imagine they will welcome her with open arms.

If you are concerned, be the fun parent too (as you are obviously are today) and make sure you do some lovely things with them.

Have a good day.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 15/04/2014 08:16

It's so stressful. I'm still getting the mournful, I've lost my best friend pitiful displays. He won't sign any divorce papers as he says that's not what he wants. He's feeling sorry for himself. Ican't understand it. He's with his girlfriend. They plotted to spend their lives together for months. Now he 's got what he wants he's still trying to involve me in the drama

OP posts:
Cerisier · 15/04/2014 08:31

He won't sign the divorce papers? Does his GF know this?

I would be sending the children round there every other weekend and for a couple of nights in the week. You need a break and to get a bit of a social life too. He needs to do his fair share of parenting.

The DC might get on well with her but I have no doubt she will find them hard work. It won't be the romantic time she expected.

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