Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

Don't worry - not everyone is going to be falling for the "happy picture" - the OWs family does sound unhinged, and I'm sure not everyone thinks its wonderful.

But do the things you want for you. I am sure you will have a great life, just don't whatever you do fall for the first chancer who is nice to you now. I am sure in the long term you will be much happier than him.

Look after yourself. Hug your baby, and enjoy the things he never can (like taking joy in others happiness, not just your own).

Oh bless your heart, I really mean it, I SO know how you feel having just had a run in with my H. You do realise that it is unlikely her parents know the whole truth don't you? I know that my H and his OW have told her parents that he was a lodger at first (a friend in need) and that he had separated from his wife, nothing about an affair. They haven't got a clue. They are probably just glad their daughter has somebody given the "trauma" she has suffered losing her husband. Your H and his OW have probably done much the same. You will have a life, you will meet somebody else when you have healed, you will do this. I was told I was cold, unloving and bitter, I actually couldn't be a warmer person actually, what he meant was he "wasn't the centre of attention anymore". You poor poor love, I wish I could hold your hand and tell you it will all be OK! xx

Also, remember that he is spinning you a story because he HAS to, to validate what he's done...he's not going to say it's not all rosy is he?! As I said upthread, my H has done the same until I found out what the reality of his day to day life was like...and his loss of freedom! x

onmyownwithfourkids. Sorry to hear you've had a bad day. I've been lucky, I have had no contact with DH today, seeing him tomorrow though. There's a big event at school when the kids get to show the parents what they've been doing and you get an hour with each child and their teacher. DH is going with me (this is exceptional in itself), I'm going to love to see him squirm knowing that everyone there knows what he's up to and what he's done. Even the teachers (those of whom are friends) are well versed in his antics.
Then he's coming round to see the kids and to talk once they are in bed tomorrow evening. But this thread has given me great strength to tell him that we have no future and we can't be friends. I've written down some of the great advice offered on this thread and I'm going to read and repeat it like a mantra before he arrives.
Keep strong onmyown, these 'men' do not deserve us.

PS I told the kids last night that Daddy wasn't coming back with us when we move back to the UK (he wouldn't tell them and avoided their questions when we told them they were going back). Surprisingly they were very accepting. I gave them lots of hugs but to be honest I think they already knew. I've realised the kids aren't stupid. He has been very detached from them in the last year so maybe they aren't going to miss him as much as I was worried they would. They are actually quite excited about going back to our house, it has a big garden to ride bikes in and their friends will be much closer.
I'm clinging to this, in actual fact the move scares me stupid. But I'm starting to believe we will be better off without him.

Good luck Palepowder..You're right these "men" don't deserve us..I keep thinking the best punishment my husband's affair partner can have is to keep him..She can have the laziness, the constant moaning about aches and pains, the feeling hard done by and complete inability to manage money..I've realised my husband's affair was pretty much the tip of a very selfish iceberg..It's still hard to detach though but I'm getting there..I'm scared stupid about the future as well but I'd rather live through that fear than live with a lying cheat..Good luck tomorrow!

The thought of being on your own probably does feel scary at the moment but you would not choose to be with a cheating bully so remind yourself of that when you are feeling blue.

Stop worrying about him and sunsets and her family. You can look at yourself in the mirror and know you did nothing wrong and your children will know it too.

Onmyown. I totally agree. A friend sent me a postcard. It says "She decided to start living the life she imagined". I have stuck it on my fridge.
I'm trying to keep this thought in my head.

So have managed 4 days of a brisk efficient handover. He sent me a text last night saying how upsetting this coldness was. I ignored it. The trouble is we were such good friends for so long it takes a lot for the urge to talk to him to go away. I think in the long run accepting he's behaved in such a hideous way that he can't be my friend is the way forward but this has been tough.

The hypocrisy is unbelievable! What a lack of self awareness.... Your behaviour is upsetting him???

Keep buggering on, as Churchill would say, you are doing amazingly...

Well done you!

He's got a cheek being upset by your coldness!!!!!

It just beggars belief doesn't it? He's turned your life upside down and pulled the rug out from under your feet for some silly little girl yet you're upsetting him?! They are amazing, they really are. Keep going, or "buggering on" as FoolishFay wisely says, love it, you are doing great! xxx

Its all about him isn't it?
Were the children up set? No - fine then.
Did his affair "upset" you? Yes.

Well done!

It does completely beggar belief - they put a torpedo under and blow up your life, treat you like muck on your shoe and not only is it your fault you now have to walk on eggshells in case he is upset? I really have no words except fuck off you complete and utter tosser.

Well OP, he has shown you who he is - thank goodness you are the nicer, better person. You can and will be happy again. Just hold on for now and keep on putting 1 foot infront of the other. My Dad has told me to keep buggering on for 2 years - that is all you can do, and you can do it.

Thank you. Love that expression, keep buggering on. Kids being hard work today and trying to get the house cleaned for a viewing tomorrow before I go to work. All seems a bit overwhelming. So desperate to sell the house but as I tidy they create mess elsewhere!

Don't worry too much about tidying. All you have to say is I have four kids and house reflects that! This happened to a friend of mine recently, two under two, viewings fine and house sold! Don't worry! As Lavender so rightly says, just remember the words "fuck off you complete and utter tosser". Life affirming! :-) xx

"His girlfriend's family welcomed him into their home. They said it was lovely their daughter had found someone who had made her so happy (if this was my daughter's choice in 20 years time I would be horrified) They treated him like a long lost son..."

I would take this with a pinch of salt and when I say a pinch, I mean a bucket.

"Welcoming him into their home" is his purple-prose version of them opening the front door. I open the front door to UPS deliveries for the flat upstairs.

I wonder what they did to treat him like a long-lost son. Perhaps they gave him a biscuit.

Were you there to hear them say all these things or see how they really are with him? All you have is his spin on it. I can imagine them being internally horrified and saying "How lovely" etc with insincere smiles and then shaking their heads in private about wtf their daughter is doing with him.

Sorry to come to the thread late and be responding to a few posts back: I've just read the whole thing and have nothing but admiration and a big bottle of wine for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

BosieDufflecoat..I said the same thing, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that the parents even know the truth. My H has done the the same, telling people we were "long separated" rather than he had an affair and left, telling people that he is "lodging" at the OW's house, oh it goes on. People who cheat will continue to lie and lie and lie to cover but it is futile because the truth always outs. I love that "perhaps they gave him a biscuit"..brilliant! Not sure that this in this, OW's parents will be so impressed when they find out he's married with 4 kids...!!!!

"He sent me a text last night saying how upsetting this coldness was." hahahaha! You're doing well MrsC. You may also compose a response in your head along the lines of 'well you should have thought about that before having an affair, shouldn't you'.

"He sent me a text last night saying how upsetting this coldness was." Shame, shit happens.

Even if he has spun ow parents a line about how long you have been separated. It will change once they are trying to play happy families with 4 upset children, who can and will make statements about him that will drop him and OW in it, with their lies being out in the open.

Remind him of the old saying, "you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep," which is why you don't want him anywhere near you for the foreseeable future. Tell him you're picky about your friends and he's blown it, big-time.

So true..I've got lots of really lovely friends who are disgusted by what he did so I don't need him in my life..His girlfriend's family allowed him to live with them rent free for months when I kicked him out..They knew he was married and spent Christmas dinner discussing how easily our children would adapt to the divorce..They must think it's fine for their daughter to bring home a married man..Doubt they'd have been quite so impressed if they knew at the time he was telling me their daughter was "the biggest mistake of his life" and trying to get me to take him back..

Perhaps her parents met the same way, which is why they are accepting of their daughters behaviour.

Showing his commitment to his custody of the children plans. He's just sent me a long list of dates he is away with his girlfriend when he won't be around to have the children. I could never spend such a long time away from them I don't know how he can switch off and live his single man life like that

Good advice from fedupbutfine. Just focus on getting yourself good, solid and clear advice, and take no notice of your ex's empty threats.

Yes, Im sure he is 'serious' about his threats as of course his new lady love will be sublimely happy with a voluntarily unemployed DP complete with his children in tow, the best part being she has to support them all..oh joy

As for his hissy fit..oh dear..all's not well with him, is it? A new life with his new love to look forward to, yet he's still yapping on to you about you driving him to his affair, etc. A foot in both camps, methinks. Well, tough. Let him pour his heart out to his new lady, and stop making your ears available for his bullshit. Honestly, there's no point why would you even want to waste time listening to all that?

Screen him out and focus on your priority, which is to get all the advice you need. My ExH was always threatening to take our 2 DCs from me (all you are now is a 'single mum'). Nothing ever materialised beyond a lot of talk, it didn't take long for me to put a stop to that. I'd a life to live and it didnt include taking time out to listen to him spout nonsense on an ongoing basis.