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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

391 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 31/03/2014 17:10

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

OP posts:
Itsfab · 15/04/2014 09:34

Your children are really not going to want to spend time with the woman who has taken their daddy away - unless she tries to buy their affection..

He is trying to control you. He is livid you have kicked him out and not signing the papers is all he can do at the moment. Ignore.

MrsC1969HJ · 15/04/2014 12:16

This is actually hilarious if you look at it, he's done all this to you and caused you all this heartache and pain but is now kicking his toys out of the pram because you want to start your life over and get rid of him. Actually beyond belief. I would just ignore him. Can you imagine what OW will say when she finds this out? He clearly doesn't want to be with her does he? Will give that one 5 minutes max. You are doing so well and sounding so much stronger! x

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 19/04/2014 19:31

Today I'm struggling so much. Kids have argued with each other all day. I've spent the day ploughing through washing, cooking , cleaning, dealing with petty disputes. I feel so resentful he's off living his carefree life with his twenty something girlfriend and I'm overwhelmed with the exhaustion of it all. Does being a single parent get any easier. I've had moments where I feel glimmers of Hope but they've been such hard work today. I feel like crying and I'm so filled with resentment at the situation he's left me in

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 19/04/2014 20:25

Lovely

I just want to tell you that years from now your kids will know where the love was/is who was there wiped their bums, noses and cleaned up the sick.

Fed them went without and soothed their fevered brows, kids are not daft they will know what he has done and see the impact on you. He has damaged his relationship with his kids for ever unless he does some serious re thinking and long term work with them which will take years.

Believe me when I say my ex did the same to me and did his best for years to destroy me and leave me with nothing. My son is 15 now and 6 ft 2 and told his dad last year what a cunt he thought he was and that the 3 kids he has now are spoiled and have no manners or boundaries, and that it's his dad's fault they are like they are.

Out of the mouth of babes eh! I've told my son nothing about what really happened but he didn't need to know because his dad just carried on with the same type of behaviour during our marriage.
He sees how much money the guy has and cottoned on a long time ago that none of it ever came our way.

He loves his stepdad and the feelings mutual, I want to finish by saying it sucks I know, it's shit and hard you know, but the lessons your kids are/will learn money can't buy you and they will be better for it.

You will pass on well adjusted kids with a sense of self and love for you that he won't ever get back, this is your legacy let it warm you during the storms. ThanksThanks

LavenderGreen14 · 19/04/2014 20:31

I totally agree with Guiltypleasures - my 17 year old thinks her own father is an utter waste of oxygen - and me and her (mainly) get on pretty well and are very close. And all the credit for her fantastic GCSEs, her good manners, kindness, thoughtfulness and just being a decent person is down to me - her father can take no pride or credit as he has had no positive influence at all. He has none any more since she also saw him for what he was and he ignores her as she now sees him for what he always was, and is.

You will get there - it is a bloody slog and so difficult. Bad days do pass, and the good do outweigh the bad.

Vivacia · 19/04/2014 20:38

Just read the whole thread, what an awful time you've had and how amazingly you've dealt with everything.

One thing that strikes me is the need to sort out access. I think you really need some time when you know you will have time to catch up with yourself.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 19/04/2014 23:39

He's sold his wedding ring and used it to pay for matching tattoos declaring undying love. He's just sent me a photo. I shouldn't care but I feel sick and utterly worthless

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 20/04/2014 01:13

I'd text back saying, "Oh great, I presume you will sign the divorce papers after all, then? Please drop them off with next pickup and we can get cracking! Brilliant news, many thanks."

Smily face optional.

I hope he gets gangrene in his knob. And it falls off - very, very slowly. What a worthless shit he does sound.

perfectstorm · 20/04/2014 01:13

And these are for you: Flowers

Anniegetyourgun · 20/04/2014 01:17

Oh yes, you really want to see the photo of the his 'n' hers tattoos paid for by selling his wedding ring, don't you?

What planet is he on? Confused

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 01:28

I shouldn't care but it's set me right back. I'm here rubbing cream on my 12 year old who's developed eczema through the stress of his dad going. My 7 year old is crying in the night that daddy isn't here and they're off having self congratulatory tattoos of undying love. I don't know how to get through this. The person I 've loved and supported for years is able to treat me with utter contempt . Why do the stupid tattoos matter so much

OP posts:
HuntforeggsinmyTerrortree · 20/04/2014 01:45

Gosh, you're still up. I read your earlier post and couldn't find the right words (I've lurked from the outset). I do want to say that I think you are doing so well. The down days are par for the course but can I make one point:

Why on earth does he need to send you photos of his tattoos? A mere rebound thing since you rebuffed him. His 'happy ever after' seems to be more a settling for something he's not so quite confident about (and frustratingly for him: without you).

In the interim you keep being an amazing woman of the world.

(Now get some sleep!).

whitsernam · 20/04/2014 01:52

Of course you're upset seeing the tattoo pics!! That is such an "in your face" declaration, and there you are dealing with the aftermath re: your children. What a sh**te he is, and he's all hers now, and I bet you anything it won't be for better.

It is really hard to see someone you supported for years act so appallingly toward you, and be so public about their disdain, but you can still hold your head up high, shoulders back, and look 'em in the eye. Give those kids lots of hugs and know he's not getting their sweet arms around him.

whitesugar · 20/04/2014 01:59

Matching tattoos, that really is laughable. Their relationship hasnt a hope in hell of lasting. Your DC will always view you as the reliable parent. It is probably cold comfort now when you are up to your neck in washing, arguments and bickering kids but believe me you are doing an incredible job and you should be very proud of yourself.

I would go out today and bet my house on his relationship breaking down. Any parent who would love to see their 26 year old DD hooking up with a dad of 4 spending time away from his DC to frolick with their DD need their heads checked.

To anyone going through this just ignore everything your EXH says, don't gratify them with a response. This really works and pisses them off mightily. You will be always be able to look back on this and say you stuck by your DC through thick and thin. Other people see it too and admire you enormously.

Vivacia · 20/04/2014 06:07

Strange isn't it, he's getting matching tattoos to declare his undying love for his new girlfriend... and one of his first thoughts is to take a photo and type a message to his ex.

imip · 20/04/2014 06:49

Op. I've lurked on your thread and cannot believe what a cock your ex is. And matching tattoos, wtf. I can certainly imagine your anger. I was left for ow in my 20s but we had no dcs, can't imagine the intensity of the bitterness when dcs are involved.

He's really trying to rub your nose in it. Don't let him see it bother you (hard I know). I think my ex was narcissistic and still wanted me to adore him and 'be friends' although he pissed off with someone else. Don't rise to it.

I have 4 dcs now also, you must really need time alone. I am not really sure how separation/custody works, but I'd really look to formalising certain days and taking away some regular chunks of his time so he realises his commitment, rather than just fucking off with the ow.

Thanks
Slainte · 20/04/2014 07:10

He has no decency at all. When I sold my old wedding and engagement ring my DH told me to give the money to charity as he didn't want the proceeds to be any part of our life.

My DH didn't even have anything to do with the split from ExH that was because of DV and OW.

I'd agree with PPS who said to either ignore or text back with congratulations and saying that he must be happy to sign the papers now.

It sounds like you're doing a great job for your DC.

DustBunnyFarmer · 20/04/2014 07:10

Matching tattoos, eh? I'd say he's trying a bit too hard to convince himself and OW their relationship is forever. Can we place bets here on the likely duration of their relationship from this point? (8 months tops is mine)

You sound exhausted and worn down by all of this. If I could reach out across the web and give you a hug I would. If your ex is being a cock, is there any way you could farm all of your kids out on playdates so you can have rest? You sound like a few hours off to sleep/soak in the tub/read magazine with a glass of wine would do you good. You need to formalise contact arrangements so you get regular breaks. Hope you can get this sorted soon. Courage, mon brave. Thanks

MostlyCake · 20/04/2014 07:40

Matching tattoos sounds a bit pathetic and desperate. Please try not to rise to it, sounds like he is just trying to get a reaction out of you. Obviously you being cool and calm and not getting emotional to him is working and he is incapable of coping with you as the strong one. Xx

Pinkballoon · 20/04/2014 08:05

Have you established what his living circumstances are? Is he officially living with the OW (and therefore her income would count if you took him to court for maintenance and he had given up work)?

If he isn't officially living with her and he gives up work, then I presume it will be the standard £5/10 per week via the CSA from his benefits.

I think the key thing at the moment is to get proof of his living circumstances.

And I think that once she starts to realise that she may be shelling out for your kids, as well as having to look after them, things may change a little……….

I doubt very very much if he's going to get custody.

HexBramble · 20/04/2014 08:10

He's trying to get a reaction OP.
Stay strong, you are behaving with such dignity.
Take comfort in knowing that the way you are feeling now is temporary.
This too shall pass.

I'm sorry I have no practical words but things the others have said like sorting regular contact for your DC is a must. You need a break and your H needs a dose of reality. The OW really is a non-event in your DC's lives so pay her no thought when it comes to your DC. Regardless of arguments, squabbles and the day in day out of living, cleaning etc, your children know who the constant loving figure in their lives are.

And it's not him.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 08:23

Does it matter that he won't sign the divorce papers? Surely there's cast iron evidence that he's committing adultery and you can get the divorce without his consent?

Pimpf · 20/04/2014 09:04

I would go for his unreasonable behaviour and or his adultery, don't let him whitewash this and turn it around onto you. You have done nothing wrong, he should feel guilty and embarrassed, not you.

FanjolinaJolie · 20/04/2014 09:11

onnmyown

I am so indignant on your behalf.

How did he send these photos to you? Email? Text?

Could you block this kind of communication somehow?

What an utter, utter shit of the highest order.

FanjolinaJolie · 20/04/2014 09:11

You must ignore and not give any reaction about the photo.