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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

391 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 31/03/2014 17:10

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 09/04/2014 07:30

he is counting on you feeling guilty and backing down - then he can swan around doing what he wants scot free. All you are doing is reacting to and protecting yourself from his awful behaviour - that does not in any way make you a bad person - you are just protecting yourself from further hurt. You can keep your dignity and keep your distance - they are not mutually exclusive.

You feeling massive highs and massive lows is perfectly normal. This too shall pass or somesuch. You are doing great, keep on posting and keep on going. That is all you can do.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/04/2014 08:38

Forget doing the doing the right thing for everybody, everybody is not you concern. You only need to the right thing for you and your dc.

But it goes show how more important he looks to the outside world, then doing the right thing for his family.

mummytime · 09/04/2014 08:55

The mood swings are normal!

Partly it is adrenaline, when lots is flowing you feel good, but when it drains away you can crash. Just try to be good to yourself. Keep eating, drinking and sleeping. Exercise is good if you can fit it in too; but if you just want to veg in front of the TV in a blanket when you have a little peace, then do it.

Maybe in 20 years at one of your DCs weddings you will be able to be "friendly" but that is a long long time away, not now.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 09:19

I do wonder how it's ever possible to have any sort of normal life after this. I've been up since 6.30 doing the washing, cleaning, cooking meals for when I'm at work. Will then be at work all afternoon and putting them to bed. They're off out with their father this afternoon. Will he now be the fun parent

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 09/04/2014 09:33

Onmyown...he's not your friend my love, he's proved that by betraying you and your children in the worst way possible. He is throwing his toys out of his pram as he isn't getting his own way, that says more about him than it does about you. You are far from "mean spirited", believe me. You WILL have a normal life because you will create one. He will not be the fun parent, my DS already knows the routine when he is seeing his father and it's all "looking at the trains" and "buy donalds" as he says about going to McD's. What a lovely way for your son to think of you because that's all you can be arsed to do. At one point he was referring to him as "daddy-buy-donalds"....!! You are the secure, safe and calm point in their lives and they will always remember that, so fear not! x

Clarabumps · 09/04/2014 09:44

Jeez! I've just read this whole thread and can I just say what an AWESOME person you are. He sounds like a total shit. This must be so hard and i'm amazed that you've dealt with it with such dignity and composure.
Just keep going. You have remarkable strength.
He's like a 5 year old. I echo above posters when I think he's totally shitting himself now as I think he's realised he's made a bum choice and is trying to make the best out a shite situation.
The 'I'm so carefree' attitude is just a plan to try and get you to feel unworthy and therefore take him back.

He will not be the fun parent. He may take them out fun places but it won't be the same as the "home" feeling they get from their mother. The eldest kids won't have any respect for him. I doubt they'll like a stranger (ow) trying to encroach in their family. She sounds despicable too. Baffled at why she would think he'd stand up and be a partner and parent when he couldn't do it the first time.
Anyway! You're doing so well. xx

LBZT · 09/04/2014 09:47

My DH cousin was left with 2 babies, her ex is awful bullying holding back money but buys crazy expensive toys etc. Her boys are 8/9 and as she says they have learnt to play the game (Keep dad sweet so that mum gets maintenance). They see straight through him and it's so sad they see their Dad in that light. My point is your kids like my DH cousins kids will see what their Dad is made of. It's sad that they don't have a Dad of worth in their lives but equally they have (and your kids will) learnt to value their mum even more.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 11:01

Your posts are all helping so much. This really is the hardest thing I have ever been through. He's been to pick the kids up and asked how much longer I'm going to continue my unreasonable unfriendly behaviour. When I explained once again that I am not his friend he flounced off and accused me of making things nasty

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 09/04/2014 11:11

Just shut the door, don't answer him. It just gives him fuel and then look what happens, he makes you feel like shit. He just wants his cake and eat it, don't give it to him. You can do this xx

LavenderGreen14 · 09/04/2014 11:14

I agree - just say a cheery 'bye kids' then shut the door. Do not answer or retaliate. You do not need to explain or justify anything to him. He is trying to bully you into submission - nasty man.

LavenderGreen14 · 09/04/2014 11:19

This may be useful to read btw

baggage reclaim

mummytime · 09/04/2014 11:21

Don't talk to him, well as much as possible. Keep communication to the kids alone. What you think, feel or do is no longer his business.

Heck did his mother never teach him that actions have consequences?

Try to have the children ready for him, if possible to meet him at the garden gate, certainly a quick bye and shut door.

MrsC1969HJ · 09/04/2014 11:23

My DS just runs out of the door, I make sure his bag and anything else are already on the step, I say goodbye, have a lovely time and then just shut the door. It's the only way x

Ehhn · 09/04/2014 11:26

Just remind yourself - you both promised to "forsake all others" so he broke the marriage vows, and so broke the marriage, not you. If he felt were problems in the marriage, he should have addressed them, not run into the arms of another. If, then, you had proved incompatible with each other, he could have left and built a new life and then met someone else. This would have been the moral high ground. He did not take it, the twunt that he is.

Him trying to scrabble for the high ground from the bottom of the pit he has created is laughable.

Good for you for standing firm. You are being very strong.

PerhapsNot · 09/04/2014 11:47

This is an incredibly moving and sad thread. I have no words of wisdom but wanted to wish you all the very best. You sound extremely sensible and insightful and I am sure things will work out for you and your kids in the end. Thanks Thanks

I guess you just have to take everything one day at a time.

Sometimes I think that being a sensible and rational person can work against you I these type of situations as all the irrational I hope the bastard gets run over type of thoughts come as such a shock to the system. IYSWIM

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 11:57

Perhapsnot, I have had some very evil, revengeful thoughts. I still want him and his other woman to be miserable. Is it awful of me to want them to pay for what they have done. I still have visions if them creating a new family, a lovely life where he is showered with love and looks back congratulating himself for escaping me and my cold, unloving ways. Lavender thanks for the baggage reclaim link. That makes so much sense. My husband keeps saying when you're not angry with me I'd rather spend time with you than anyone else. He says he misses his best friend. Surely he realised that role is not mine any more and his girlfriend is the one for him to have cosy chats with. I'm very, very sad today. You've no idea how much you're all helping. Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 12:00

Ps mummytime his mother never did teach him actions have consequences. By his own admission he could murder him and she would find an excuse. She says this is my fault. I'm a lazy woman for expecting him to help with kids and housework when I work full time. I have never known a mother idolise her son so much. He really can do no wrong

OP posts:
PerhapsNot · 09/04/2014 12:07

Onmyownwith4kids. I wouldn't worry about having evil revengeful thoughts about your ex, I am having them on your behalf and I've never met him Grin

tribpot · 09/04/2014 12:15

Must be tempting to say you'll take him back as long as he dumps the OW on speaker phone in front of you.

And then tell him to go fuck himself.

Ha ha.

MrsC1969HJ · 09/04/2014 12:21

Onmyown...I can tell you're having a bad day today, so I am. You do feel like it's all so unfair and that they are having a wonderful time while you pick up the pieces. I keep being told to "grow up and understand that the OW has given me more love in the last 5 months than you have in 14 years"...and then "grow up and move on, wish I with with her longer", then "I never knew how wonderful it was to live in a house full of love"....not sure who he's trying to convince, me or himself. I was told that if he feels the need to keep telling me this and setting it all out, then he's trying to paint a rosier picture of justification for himself. I hope that's true. I am sure the same for your H. Actually, it's worse in that he keeps torturing you, and that is because he is frightened you are going to move on as you are showing strength and resilience, even if you're dying inside. It is perfectly normal to have evil thoughts, God I do, every day. He sounds like a spoilt brat with a mother like that. I would never teach my son to treat anybody with such selfish disrespect. x

MrsC1969HJ · 09/04/2014 12:21

*tribpot"...Love it!

Clarabumps · 09/04/2014 13:20

OP, It's perfectly normal to have revengeful thoughts about your ex. When you are hurt this much, the only thing you can think of which would make it better would be revenge.
Know this, NO GOOD can come from a relationship that started from so much deceit and unhappiness.
I don't know if I believe in karma or whatever but there is NO WAY anyone can live with their actions and honestly be fine with it. I really don't believe it. If they can they must be nuts.

You are a good person.
You are not his friend.
You are an awesome mother.
He is a shit and a coward.

I think these arseholes are so self obsessed they think they need to be fawned over all the time. There are women like this also. That need constant reassurance of affection and being made to feel "Special" Urgh!

My dad always told me when growing up "Your love it what you DO" which has stuck with me. Your self sacrifice of making sure the family keeps running is your love. Going out to work is your love. Putting a washing on is your love. You cannot have children and expect to be the centre of everyones attention and if s/he doesn't get that then they are really immature.
I'm not saying that you should go without affection or anything but love, true love, is not only holding hands and staring into each others eyes.

You have been bloody fair to this man. You do not owe him anything else.
You do not owe him a friendship.
You owe it to yourself to stay as dignified as possible.

Hugs xxx

mummytime · 09/04/2014 13:35

Onmyown - you have escaped then! I can't see him having some cereal box life with OW, he hasn't grown up (and after all if you marry the mistress you create a vacancy). He needs to grown up, but your baby may do that before him.

He's not your problem anymore - phew.
Now concentrate on yourself and the children.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/04/2014 14:00

Clara and mummytime I know you're right..The horrible thing is though I really don't think either of them think they've done anything wrong. His girlfriend's family welcomed him into their home. They said it was lovely their daughter had found someone who had made her so happy (if this was my daughter's choice in 20 years time I would be horrified) They treated him like a long lost son, he was invited to a family wedding before I knew about the affair and was planning on going just days away from our own wedding anniversary..Today I can't help but torture myself with thoughts of what she had that I didn't..I know it's not logical, I know I would never get involved with a man who would cheat on his wife so she must have some issues to have done thta but how will I cope if they really do skip off in to the sunset. I'm left with piles of washing and school runs and homework..He's being congratulated by her family for making their daughter happy. I'm likely to spend the rest of my life on my own..Nobody will want me with four children..Sorry this is self pitying and pathetic but today I am so low and feel so worthless and rejected and thought keep straying to "well maybe it was me, maybe I was a cold, unloving cow"..I feel like my six year old when he screams out "it's not fair"..life really isn't and today I feel like they're going to be mutually congratulating one another for finding their true love and allowing him to escape his cow of a wife

OP posts:
barking123 · 09/04/2014 14:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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