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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

391 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 31/03/2014 17:10

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 21:02

Thanks for all this great advice. Must look into tax credits. Well after a day of feeling awful I feel much better. You've no idea how much the support on here means to me. I've felt so worthless and that you all bother to post and give your really valuable insights has kept me going. Had an evening of astonishing flouncing from my. 8 year old over a tidying bedroom issue but all happily resolved after an accusing look and an I want my daddy ( because he brings me sweets and lets me run riot) moment. We decided we'd redecorate her room so she wants to keep it tidy and had a lovely time discussing colours and interior design. Then my 4 year old made me laugh with his passionate discussion of Star Wars, we had a lovely time running round the garden with light sabres ( better than the gym! ) and I realised matching tattoos is shallow compensation for these moments . If that's his choice there's something wrong. The tattoo photo has done the rounds of friends and family and provided great comedy entertainment. General consensus of the Celtic incomprehensible words he 's got down his arm is cheating loser idiot who betrayed his family. He sent me a mournful text about missing his family. I ignored. He got cross. I continued to ignore. Thankyou. I 'me getting there with your amazing support.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/04/2014 21:11

You're great OP, just absolutely great.

DustBunnyFarmer · 20/04/2014 21:14

Good to hear you've had a better day & some fight showing through. All good stuff, onmyown, and the studied ignoring sounds like it is having an effect.

Itsfab · 20/04/2014 21:19

" He sent me a mournful text about missing his family. I ignored. He got cross. I continued to ignore."

Over grown toddler but not as bright. Him that is. Carry on ignoring. He is trying to control you. It is starting to sink in what is happening and he does not like it!

Keep doing what you are doing.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 21:57

It 's very entertaining now. His arm hurts apparently. I feel like texting back to say the pain will go but you'll look like a twat forever. Worrying moment 6 year old woke up to say he had something urgent to discuss with me. I thought the 'please let daddy come home ' conversation was looming. Instead, 'mummy what I'd like more than anything is a twirly chair.' He 's right. There 'a a lot of satisfaction to be had from this kind of seat. Isn't it amazing that you can be going though this incredible grief and children can make you laugh so much. I hope his arm and hers both really hurt. Maybe they are septic as hoped for earlier !

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 20/04/2014 22:03

That twirly chair comment really made me smile. And your asides about your ex and his sore arm.

sarine1 · 20/04/2014 22:39

Wow! Just read the whole thread and am overwhelmed at your courage and resilience! You are doing fantastically with your kids.
He's continually shouting 'notice me, pay me attention, I'm important' - good for you managing to ignore him.
My ex went off with a young woman 30 years younger than me. He said mournfully to me 'You didn't fight for me". Prat - it was the best (only) sensible decision I made in the whole mess.
I believe septicaemia can be very unpleasant......

PicandMinx · 20/04/2014 22:57

De-lurking to say that you have my admiration for the way in which you are handling your ex-tattooed twat (ETT).

I love your 6 year olds comment about the chair. I remember my DS waking me up in the early hours on one occasion when he "needed" to discuss his christmas presents - in June!

ETT is beginning to realise that you and your children don't need him anymore isn't he.

Sucks to be him.

Pinkballoon · 20/04/2014 23:12

Matching tattoos one day and the next day he is texting you saying he misses his family? Bet the OW might regret the tattoo decision if she found out about those texts. Oh dear.

MostlyCake · 20/04/2014 23:18

Well done op. I don't have any advice but would like to say that I admire how you are dealing with the whole crappy situation. Keep your chin up and ignore ignore ignore him until you kick his arse in court

magoria · 20/04/2014 23:34

Everyone saying ignore is right. You are so strong to do so. It isn't easy.

I would be tempted to reply (my own worst enemy) something like 'That's nice, please sign the divorce papers.'

And just send that to every text Grin

FantasticButtocks · 21/04/2014 00:37

He's just fucking ridiculous isn't he? And really rattled too judging by his childish attention seeking. Wonder what his girlfriend would think about him texting you about his tattoo pains etc. prick.

imip · 21/04/2014 07:49

Good work OP. Takes great strength to ignore him...well done!

I think he is really quite narcissistic wanting you to pine for him. Taunting you with his tattoo ect; he must be quite lonely deep down, and he really deserves it too...

Wine or Brew to you, whatever you fancy Smile

Ps, glad all your friends think he is a prize cock to with the tattoo. So it is Celtic wording going all up his arm? I have a very tattooed sister, and centric tattoos are getting very old fashioned now, are they not.

Pps, my very tattooed sister has been in a long-term relationship with her partner, a tattooist! Not even they have matching tattoos!

imip · 21/04/2014 07:50

Celtic, not centric ffs!

Ignore spelling... Trying to type quickly before dh comes in going "oh, mumsnet again!"

Itsfab · 21/04/2014 13:02

Definitely get a twirly chair Grin!

What a baby your stbeh is. He is keeping "communication" open so he can hedge his bets. Read the script. See where you are now and what you can expect next from the prat.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 21/04/2014 17:18

Think the narcissist diagnosis is spot on. He can 't bear for anyone to think of him as less than perfect. He wanted to show me his tattoo and was creating a sad image of an interesting man of mystery saying he's told nobody what the Celtic words mean. I'm afraid I lost my dignified aloofness for a moment and said 'morally bancrupt fuckwit' is what it will always say to me. He flounced off in a manner worthy of my 8 year old. At least it's stopped the mournful miss yous he was trying to engage in when I went to work this morning. He's gone back to mummy now so it'll be ok. She'll reassure him that he's magnificent

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 21/04/2014 17:54

morally bancrupt fuckwit Grin Grin

SO glad you said that to him! Perfect.

DustBunnyFarmer · 21/04/2014 17:58

I'm loving the all new kickass assertive onmyown! You have all the best put downs and it's great to see you out from under his shadow.

alphabook · 21/04/2014 18:37

I agree with DS, I love swivelly chairs!

Ex-H is an overgrown toddler. He may as well bang on your front door screaming "GIVE ME ATTENTION!"

Itsfab · 21/04/2014 19:29

I am sure if you posted the amazing tattoo on line someone can confirmswhat it says..

picnicbasketcase · 21/04/2014 19:56

Ohhh, I so hope it says 'cave dwelling crouton' or something else badly translated.
Just read the whole thread. Shock at the bloody nerve of the idiot.

perfectstorm · 21/04/2014 20:58

I was once told about a bloke with a tattoo he thought meant "eternity" in Chinese characters. It actually meant "minute penis".

We can dream. Grin

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 22/04/2014 02:28

Your suggestions for what it could/ should mean made me laugh. He looks ridiculous as in addition to his deep and meaningful tattoo he 's grown the most ludicrous twirly moustache which he fondles constantly. He 'a a man of nearly 40 sleeping on his mum 's sofa while she dances round telling him how lovely he is. I've lost all respect for him. So why at nearly 2.30 in the morning am I unable to sleep overwhelmed with grief at the loss of my marriage. He has shown his true colours but the sadness is still so intense. I thought I'd be married for life.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2014 03:32

Why? Because of the loss of the dream. We all want the happily ever after, don't we?

So you grieve for the loss of what could have been. You aren't grieving for the loss of him. He's a putz. But you do grieve for the loss of the life you thought you had. And there's nothing wrong with that.

dunsborough · 22/04/2014 04:45

I have just read your whole thread in astonishment OP. You are amazing and he? He is a fuckwit with a bad tattoo and a hideous moustache. Utterly pathetic and laughable.

I agree with all the others at how magnificently you are dealing with everything. I know you wanted to be married for life, but surely not to a cheating man child?
I think you are mourning for the man he WAS. It was his choice to become the 'man' he is now - unemployed, unfaithful and by the sounds of things, increasingly unattractive.
You meanwhile are strong, wise and dignified.

You are going to be just fine. Each day that passes you will have more strength and less headspace for your ex, who I predict will continue to flounder.