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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

391 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 31/03/2014 17:10

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/04/2014 09:16

I'd find it very sad that he had such self esteem problems that he needed to show off to his ex wife about the new romance, and I'd tell him that. Along with a comment about how the children are being affected.

Something along the lines of: Very happy for you, I hope you are very happy and that it was all worth it for you. I'd throw a party for you but, unfortunately, I'm too busy taking care of the children and making sure they don't suffer more than they have because you have left and barely give a fuck about them.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 09:21

Thanks for all your responses. It really helps so much. I hardly slept last night I was so wound up. The idea that I'm killing myself trying to keep everything going for the kids and the pair of them are gazing at one another over their matching tattoos. I 'be consoled myself with the thought that when it all goes badly wrong they'll be stuck with a permanent reminder of what I can only see will be a train crash relationship.

OP posts:
tametortie · 20/04/2014 09:25

Onmyown- what an immature twonk. But also completely evil. You should be rising above this and completely basking in the fact that he still feels the need to hurt you.

Can't believe he won't sign the divorce papers- idiot!

DustBunnyFarmer · 20/04/2014 09:28

Actually, the his 'n' hers tattoo photo may prove helpful for your divorce case. He's a prize doughnut, isn't he?

(More hugs for OP)

Slainte · 20/04/2014 09:37

As Nennypops said, this photo is now concrete evidence of his adultery.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 09:40

He is a bit thick . Has been making a right song and dance about how he's not living with her and is on his mum's sofa but am suspicious. I could clearly see her knickers drying on a drying rack behind the picture of his arm and tattoo. I don't care if he lives with her or not, it's just sad he feels the need to lie about everything. She really is welcome to him but I'm so sad I wasted so many years on him and so scared that while he enjoys his new carefree life I'll never find anyone prepared to get involved with me. I adore the children but it can be so lonely having this massive sole responsibility

OP posts:
FanjolinaJolie · 20/04/2014 09:55

Agree - Keep everything as evidence.

Not sure of the UK rules but I don't see why divorce can not proceed without his signature.

Do you have a good solicitor?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 10:11

Got a good solicitor who says we should take it to court. He refuses to sign any paperwork about finances or arrangements for the children. He agreed about money so I got a solicitor to draw up a consent order with what we agreed verbally. It cost £900 and I didn't want to waste my money but as soon as it was sent to him he said he won't sign and I 'll have to go to court to get an agreement and waste my money on legal fees. I don't understand why he doesn't just sign and then get on with life with her. I think she wants marriage and babies and I'm a convenient excuse as long as he can drag the divorce out. He's probably telling her I can't bear to let him go and she'll believe him as she thinks he's so special

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 20/04/2014 10:23

And I think he likes being a controlling bully too. If he is so loudly proclaiming how wonderful his new relationship is it makes you wonder who he is trying to convince don't you think. Like wartime propaganda isn't it. I mean he couldn't possibly have thrown away his family for someone who isn't worth it could he .

And someone will flipping well want to get involved with you. A loving mother and a kind, decent person. Who wouldn't want a partner such as that?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 10:26

Thank you Lavender. You're right if it was all so rosy he wouldn't make such a song and dance about it. He's texted my 12 year old a photo of his tattoo . The response, "well it's his personal choice but I think he looks ridiculous!"

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 20/04/2014 10:33

He sounds horrid. If it helps I had the same propaganda pedalled at me about how wonderful their new life was - later on it appeared the reality was far different to that which was being displayed to the outside world.

HexBramble · 20/04/2014 10:36

Your poor 12 year old - who on earth thinks it's good parenting to picture message a child a photo of a new, jointly held tattoo with your new girlfriend.

Bloody well done OP for your humility and dignity. What on earth did you say to your 12 yr old?

Your H is a poor excuse of a role-model.

clam · 20/04/2014 10:40

Console yourself with the thought that tattoos are bloody painful to have removed when this relationship goes tits up - as it will.

FantasticButtocks · 20/04/2014 11:08

Did his tattoo say "adulterous loser" and hers "homewrecking floozy" ?

Just the fact he takes a photo of them and sends it to you and your son is a direct and active act of hostility. What an utter wanker he really is.

As to the list of dates he won't be available for his children, think I'd have responded with 'ok. Though I thought you said it was me you were leaving not the children. Must have got that wrong'

Although, as others are advising the less you engage with him the better.

Sorry you're having such a hideous time OP Thanks

FantasticButtocks · 20/04/2014 11:09

Oh, and I hope their tattoos go sceptic Grin

FantasticButtocks · 20/04/2014 11:23

Or do I mean septic? Oops...

LavenderGreen14 · 20/04/2014 11:37

Ha - I am very sceptical about his septic tattoo ;)

Clutterbugsmum · 20/04/2014 12:48

Ha Ha he got himself branded like a cow Grin.

bochead · 20/04/2014 13:19

Keep a record of that photo he's sent the CHILD. The court will NOT be impressed! If pictures normally speak a thousand words about what he's prepared to put his kids through in his selfishness that one is worth a million of them!

I do think it's time to go to the GP and see if you can get some counselling for the kids (sometimes the school can organise it) as he is emotionally abusing your kids now. The 12 year old deserves a safe 3rd party to unload to after that stunt - sometimes Grandparents can play this role?

You OP are fantastic - seriously I doubt you have any idea just how much those around you in real life are in admiration of your ability to cope while their opinion if his character must be plummeting fast.

26 year olds with an ounce of self-respect just don't get into situations with men like the OW has. He's hardly eligible batchelor of the year is he? Your ex really has screwed himself over long term.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 20/04/2014 13:38

Love the comments about branded like a cow and you 're right most 26 year olds would run a mile from a man with so much baggage and so little to offer. The awful thing is I'm surrounded by photos of happier times. He 'a constantly reinventing things to justify his affair but when you see the family photos it just doesn't back it up. My 3 younger ones seem totally unaffected. My 4 year old announced to his father 'you're not in our family anymore ,' that provoked a massive flounce and accusations of turning the kids against him but I honestly never say anything. I vent on here. You're right about counselling for my 12 year old . He is so lovely and has not deserved this. I remember holding him in my arms when he was born and promising I would give him a lovely childhood. It could not have taken a more dysfunctional turn. I feel like we've really let him down. I can 'y help hating this ow. She 's probably so delighted with how special she is to win a man from his wife and kids. I know it's not her fault. It's him and I hate having such horrible feelings towards someone I don 'to even know but I hate her!

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 20/04/2014 14:42

I feel like we've really let him down.

No, no, no! Do not take responsibility for this. Your ex did this & you are doing everything you can to hold things together. You did not cause this situation, OP, so don't blame yourself.

FoolishFay · 20/04/2014 14:58

YOU haven't let anyone down - you have done everything you can, and more for your children and they will know this. HE has let everyone down and he knows this...the tattoo sending is a desperate act to try to shore himself up. Why is he keen to get your attention over it? I suspect he's already fearing he's made a mistake....

perfectstorm · 20/04/2014 16:28

Please do as the solicitor says and take this to court. Right now, he's controlling you. With a divorce and matters set out clearly, that ends.

And I would imagine any claim to shared residence would be hard to sustain in light of the text he sent your son. Jaw-droppingly inappropriate and selfish.

I also agree with Vivacia that the tattoo is not for the poor cow's benefit: it's for yours. She's been branded so he can hurt you with the fact - how disrespectful does it get?

Itsfab · 20/04/2014 16:50

OnMyOwn - you are doing great. Seriously. You are thinking of your children all the time and even your single comment about who would want you is all about the children and wanting someone to share the process of bringing them up.

Your ex is a prat. Matching tattoos. Selling his wedding ring to get them and sending evidence photos to his ex wife and child. Really you are better off without him. What a horrible person he is, how immature, and not someone you want influencing your children. It is hard work looking after children but I suspect he was pretty useless and if you do need an extra pair of hands there is paid help available.

I wouldn't speak to him at all and wouldn't bother looking at his texts. Go down the legal route asap and start building a life. Not rebuilding it as it wasn't what you thought it was and will be so much better without this prat in it. You really don't want someone so thick influencing your lovely children.

perfectstorm · 20/04/2014 20:31

The other thing I was wondering: single parents with 4 kids can earn quite a reasonable whack and still get tax credits - especially towards childcare etc, I think? Have you had a go through the calculator, to see that you're claiming all you should be? Can't do any harm.

This is a hellish time in your life, but truthfully, I think in a couple of years you'll look back on it with a shudder from the vantage point of an infinitely happier and better situation.