Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

What everyone else is saying! I agree that he is probably upset and realised he fucked up, but he didnt show you much consideration: gloating texts a tattoo for Christ sake! Histrionics, yes.

Didnt realise you had to wait so long for a divorce without consent.

Keep going op, you're doing ever so well... You always maintain the higher ground

You've all been brilliant and made me rise above this shoddy behaviour on his part. Today as I was getting children to school my daughter told me her dad had showed her photos of her other mummy and asked if she would like to. She said she's not sure as she looks quite pretty ( that hurt!) and she doesn't understand as I 'me her mummy. 12 year old said he'll meet her as he's going to have to eventually. 6 year old said never and cried. 4 year old said he likes her as she sent him sweets. A night out with a friend last night made me realise this is no loss. The whole of the village where I live has rallied round. I'm going to focus on the warmth and wisdom I've had from here and my family and friends and stop obsessing about his girlfriend, his mum etc and feeling worthless and replaced. I'm slowly stopping myself being defined by him. The kids will cope. I've told them I will always love them and be their mum but daddy has an important friend I'm happy for them to meet. I think it's going to be hard hearing them talk about her and enjoy her company. But the poor girl has got a lazy, feckless, cheat. I almost feel sorry for her

I just wanted to post quickly to add my admiration, I also think you're doing wonderfully in the face of what is a very difficult and painful situation.
I also wanted to add that my father behaved very similarly as your husband is (with regards to your children etc) and that I was pretty much the same age as your eldest when my parents divorced, I saw even then what a vile man he was and now haven't seen him in over 10 years, as someone upthread said its my mum who will be at my wedding, who sees my DC etc not him just like it will be for you and your DC
for you

You were never going to forgive him so you drove him to this, eh? Oh fgs does he never listen to himself! what warped logic. Not much evidence of him being what was it, joyful and playful now.

I admire you because somehow amidst his fuckwittery, you weren't so paralysed with shock that you stopped enforcing boundaries or trusting your instinct. And now you are looking at how best to protect your DCs even when it must be tempting to tell him to go on that oft quoted MN pilgrimage "FOTTFSOF".

I could feel my fury rising at the suggestion of "other mummy". I can not believe your calmness and grace. I know it's for your children, I can see that they're your motivation, but you really are amazing.

"Other Mummy" - FFS!! So sorry your STBXH is such a dickwad.

How can he say things like "Other Mummy" to your children? Is he completely brainless/thoughtless/self obsessed?

You're doing so well in the face of all this Onmyown

"other mummy"?! I've got a big cartload of 'nope' for that! If he wants gf to meet the kids that's one thing, but I'd tell him that he must not refer to any gf as 'mummy' in any form. If he 'puts a ring on it', then I'm all for a good relationship and good feelings towards stepparents. But she is not in any form their mummy. Ask him how he'd feel if you introduced a bf as their 'other daddy'. And what's he going to do when he moves on from this one? Start parading a fleet of 'other mummies' through their lives?

Like a cockerel crowing on a dungheap he really is full of his own importance.

Wow - OP you're one heck of an impressive woman. You keep doing and get him to sign those divorce papers pronto.

This might be a really bad idea, but I'd be tempted to send a copy of the divorce papers to the OW with a note saying 'Please get exH to sign these as he keeps 'forgetting' to return them.' It'll really wind him up & you might even get the papers signed. May stir up things a bit too much though, as no doubt he's told her it's you delaying things.

(I'm afraid I was hoping she'd see the text earlier).

Sharp intake of breath at 'other mummy'.

Please contact your DCs' school and ask if there is any way they could refer the DCs to counselling or support.

You are dealing with a man who is downright cruel.

her other mummy ? WTAF?

I do hope you made sure that your dd knows there is no such person as her other mummy, and never will be. She has just one mummy and that will never change. Daddy is just being very silly.

He is a complete bastard to say that to his own child.

Hello onmyown.. just wanted to say how brilliantly well you are doing. Grace and dignity personified and keeping your sense if humour. But then stbx is such a joke Isn't he.

I posted early on in your thread and am so please to see how you are going from strength to strebgth. Keep going

The advice on here has been so brilliant I need a bit of a further boost! Now divorce is underway fully he 's really angry with me. He says he doesn't want a divorce it's a waste of money and I should wait. He goes from crying and saying he misses me to outbursts of utter vitriol. He's claiming I do lovely things with the children to get at him ( we don't do anything special just the usual bike rides etc. no money for much else) and that I'm driving him away from them by arranging things at the weekend so he can't see them. He's actually been unavailable for last 7 weekends ( too busy pretending he 's 20) and I asked if he'd like them this weekend. He's away at a wedding with her. When he does see the children he buys ridiculously expensive toys and endless sweets and so they're all over him like a great returning hero. I feel like I'm getting so bitter. I 'm exhausted, working full time, doing everything for the kids, feeling I'll never be able to have a life of my own beyond this endless drudge and watching him waltz around with his new love dipping in and out of parenthood as and when he fancies. I could never live by life by his shoddy moral code and lack of responsibility but it feels as if he's come out of this on top

Gosh he has a lot to say doesn't he? You need to start limiting his input for a start, keeping it about the DC only.

How far along are you with the divorce?

Ignore him, just plough on regardless. He so is not coming out of this on top. If he were he wouldn't be carrying on like this. You hold all the cards here OP. I hope you have a good sol who is giving you great advice.

There have been loads of threads on MN in the past from women who, like me, have come out the other side and are so much happier, lighter(physically and emotionally) more confident and positive.

I promise you it will feel so much better when the divorce is over and you can start anew.

He's not come out on top at all - he's NOT happy in his new relationship remember (if he was would he have dawned all over you so many times?). Look what a sorry mess he's in and with a crap relationship with his kids.

Glad the divorce is proceeding but he's still being a prize twat isn't he. You do need a break though. In writing ask when he will next have the children on a weekend or perhaps a regular weeknight evening (all of them not just the oldest), once agreed confirm it in writing and if he doesn't stick to it write to him again stating only the facts. It may come in useful.

Remember that kids may like sweets and toys but what they really crave, even if they don't articulate it, is love and good parenting and that's what they get from you.

Oh, and to get back to your original post, a friend of mine had an XH who pulled this stunt, giving up his job so he would have no money to give her in maintenance, and the judge went mad at him and ordered that he pay a sum equivalent to the amount he would have paid if he still had that job he had given up. Judge just said he clearly thought he was being clever by quitting, but it was unacceptable and he had the potential to earn that money so he would just have to get into debt until he was earning again.

The XH was able to walk back into the job he had given up luckily for him. Judges see this kind of crap being pulled week in week out. Men who deliberately move the goalposts so they can try to keep control. Don't worry about it, just keep going. He clearly cannot be arsed to have them even a bit, let alone full time or even 50/50.

HE ANGRY WITH YOU!!!!

What planet are these people on?
Really.

I'm sorry you're having a crappy time at the minute, but at least you can hold your head high. As for the comment about the kids etc I'm guessing he's finally realised the joy in just being with your children. (but not enough to actually put in the time and effort) And because you haven't rolled over and done what you're told you're the bad guy.

What a twat.

How are you contacting him?

I'd just tell him to tell you when he wants to see them again, tell him how much advance notice he has to give and just see what happens.

Your children still love him because he's their dad, not because of any presents, but will see through him as he doesn't keep in contact.
Don't slag him off, but you don't have to cover for him.

He won't come out on top......but it will take a long time. Kids love their parents and generally try to please him. When they are older they will understand what he did and how he put himself first. They will always have a strong and loving relationship with you and recognise that you did what parents are supposed to do - put their kids' needs first.

He's a cock and will ultimately have an unhappy unfulfilled life because he doesn't know how to take responsibility.

No court would see his plan as being in the best interest of the children if it ever comes to that. You need to hold on to what is in their best interest at all times. I was given some wonderful advice by Anna Raeburn when I was going through something very similar, she told me to be "the fairy godmother in front of the children, and when he is around, be sweet and kind and lovely. Do your ranting and anger out of their earshot and make sure that keep what is best for them at the forefront of everything you do". This does not make you weak- it makes you strong.

You could ask him how what he suggests he is planning is in the best interests of the children and see what he says. It is a reasonable question and he probably wont be able to answer it.
Dont rise to his bait. But you can play clever with clever questions when he is trying to wind you up.
"How is this best for our children?"
"What if that is not what they want?"
"What does your new partner think about this idea?"
"What other plans do you have that might affect the children?"

It does get better, it really does even if it feels like hell at the moment. Stay strong, get a good solicitor from a family law background and surround yourself by people who care about you and your children. Have them there when he calls round if possible- he will find it harder to behave badly if there is another person present.

Only read your posts, onmy (sorry) - amazing to see the transformation in you as the thread has progressed. You've done so well, amazing

I can guarantee I'm repeating what has already been said, but by going on about his tart girlf he is purposely rubbing salt in your wound. It's a weak spot for you (as it would be for anyone) and he's milking it; but by the sound of it you're doing well to cover the hurt so he gets no inkling that he's hit the bullseye (that letter you send about the kids meeting the tart was brilliant!).

Selling his wedding ring to get a tattoo - tacky! - then sending you the story and photo - what a knob, totally transparent, total shit. Tell you what, if his mouth is moving you know he's talking shit. Bear that in mind. He's bent on making you feel guilty about the kids and bad about yourself, bad about everything: it's all shit. Your love will die off eventually - you can't just chop it off with an axe, it takes a while to die off - and the sadness and grief and loss will linger for a while, which is only healthy.

Two thoughts: 1. can you surreptitiously record his droning on about how much he loves you/best friend/misses you blah blah and 2. can you get a cleaner. oh and 3. don't talk to him: monosyllables, statements (not nice not nasty but blank) even when he kicks off. Perfect a blank look and say nothing at all. Don't take anything he says seriously, it's all rubbish. This thread is a great diary of events but, if you can stand it, jot down more detail somewhere - dates, things he's said and done; try to keep it short (or you'll be there all day by the sound of it with all the drama he's flinging about) - and save this thread!

So glad to hear you have wonderful support and kindness in your village - brilliant . You're going to make it, things will get easier, this is a very difficult transition time (emotionally, practically, financially) but you'll have it all off to a fine art before long. The single parent stuff does get easier btw because you end up getting so skilled at it (and perfecting shortcuts) that you can do it with your eyes shut. Keep going lovely, you're doing so well

oh and try Kalms - 3 times a day - does what it says on the tin xx

Springy thanks for that. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the moment. His mum keeps saying what an amazing father he is who is putting his children first and how lucky they are. I still see her and him as I don't want to deprive the children of that relationship. It's all in my house as he's living in his mum 's sofa and with girlfriend. I think I feel as if the 3 of them are colluding against me and I'm outnumbered. It 's such hard work with a job and the day to day responsibility if children. I feel he's got off Scott free with everyone telling him how marvellous he is and how his "true love" justifies what he did . I was doing quite well but am now struggling to keep going after doing it for months. I think it's because I just can't see a way out. The kids are fine and thriving and that's further justification for their affair they 're proud of how easily the kids have adapted as proof of the fact they have done no wrong. I feel so selfish but feel like him and his family and his girlfriend have no thought or care for how hard they've made my life . Sorry self indulgent rant. Bit filled with self pity at moment !