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Original poster

Trust Issues

152 replies

twoofakind · 31/03/2014 13:35

Hello all.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We met on a dating website, I thought he was way out of my league....looks wise! he is spits of Ryan Reynolds!! Anyway, we hit it off and things seem to be going well, ish!

He is a medic in the army, all his team are married but are also cheating on their wifes....he says to me he hates cheats and would never do it. But i remember asking him before if he has cheated and he said yes, a friend of mine also said he cheated on a girl just before meeting me, he swears he didnt.

Ive told him how I feel, that he can do better than me ( i am a separated wife with 2 young children, he has no baggage!)

He says he loves me and im the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Hes talked about moving in with me too.

His best friend has just separated from his wife, saying he doesnt love her anymore, but I know hes cheating cause my bf told me. My bf says he doesnt want to get involved in their issues but he obvioulsly is.

Im just really paranoid that he is, not cheating, but just texting other women.
A couple weeks ago I found he had put a new picture up on his profile on this dating web we met on, I confronted him about it and he said his email must have been hacked.
I told him a few weeks ago that another guy id met online text me to see how i was doing, he wasnt happy about this and brings it up now and again. He went on a night out on Saturday and at 3 in the morning rang me...drunk...we couldnt make out what each other was saying, he ended up putting the fone down on me then sending me a text saying ' clearly your with someone else, it doesnt matter'

He ended up coming back to mine later on, he was rather drunk! He wanted sex but i refused, he didnt moan, just passed out! He didnt apologise the day after.

When he comes he is really strange with his fone too, he takes it to the toilet with him, has a pin on it which he never use to.

Maybe im just being paranoid. i dont know. I love him so much, and he says the same, alhough he isnt the kind for lovey dovey so he doesnt say it in a serious way.

I dont know what to think at all.

I text him and he doesnt reply for hours!

Im sick of feeling like this everyday, wondering what hes doing, if he is texting someone else. Its not fair on me or him, I dont know whether to tell him how im feeling still.??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/03/2014 13:40

Of course you're not paranoid. Trust your judgement rather than trusting this dodgy bloke. After five months no-one should be talking about rest of lives or moving in together. You don't 'love him so much'.... you hardy know him Hmm. The drunken episode makes him sound like a total arse. If he's a medic in the army does that mean he's away a lot?

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 13:43

He came back from Afghan last april, he doesnt go away too much, just for a week or so for training, but this morning he told me hes not doing that anymore so he has more time at weekends and evenings to do stuff. He keeps saying hes gonna leave the army so he can spend more time with me but i just dont think he actually wants to. It seems like all just words to me!

OP posts:
Preoccupied · 31/03/2014 13:50

I'm afraid that I would be suspicious about the excuse of his email being hacked. Hackers do not put new photos of people on their dating sites for them! The protective behaviour around his phone would also be a red flag for me, as would the accusation that you had someone with you when he rang you. It sounds like you are too good for him, not the other way round.

OnEdgeNow · 31/03/2014 15:50

Yes, who hacks a dating site to alter profile pictures? Why take phone everywhere? Classic signs that he is up to something.

Ditch him now, it will be hard for about 2 weeks, after which you will be over him and free to look for someone a little more mature.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2014 16:35

Good grief. This sounds exhausting and after just 5 months.
This is the honeymoon period and it's not, is it!???
He's up to something.
Trust your instincts, that's why we have them.
Dump this guy right now.
Concentrate on your DC and not this 'relationship'.

BeforeAndAfter · 31/03/2014 16:48

I'm not surprised you don't trust him. Wean yourself of him, he's no good for you.

Imagine how you will feel in a year from now or two years from now when his behaviour is a whole lot worse because you kept letting him off the hook. Take the much lesser pain of breaking five months' attachment and leave now rather than in two years when you've ended up living with him, having a baby and are utterly dependent on him.

I've heard this hacking story a lot on MN now; it seems to be the latest excuse used by flaky guys. I just don't buy that a hacker is going to break into an e-mail, select a photo and set up a dating profile.

Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 16:50

You don't have trust "issues" you have a boyfriend who has his eye open still, if he hasn't already cheated.
I can't say this plainly enough, and though I apologise for being brutal it is a case of cruel to be kind:
HACKERS DO NOT UPLOAD NEW PHOTOS.

Seriously. Go the the "dating" thread on here. Loads on women on online dating sites. Find ONE who has ever had her account hacked and a photo of her (from where?) randomly appear.

There's plenty else suspicious, but stick to the facts - he is active on a dating site.

Come ON, you don't want that?

Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 16:53

And... please please please don't ever tell a man you're not good enough for them.
If you feel it, tell your mates, or come on here to be reminded that yes, you are.

WhoNickedMyName · 31/03/2014 16:58

He's cheated on previous girlfriends. All his friends cheat. He takes his phone to the toilet with him and has put a pin number on it. He has updated his profile picture on a dating website.

Dump him and be grateful that you've only wasted 5 months on this loser.

Jan45 · 31/03/2014 17:02

Above: no don't demean yourself by telling any person you are not good enough for them, that's BS.

Sorry but going on what you have posted he sounds just as bad as his so called married friends, I wouldn't trust him either.

HorseyTwinkleToes · 31/03/2014 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/03/2014 17:39

My heart sank as soon as you said you thought he was way out of your league. You know the old saying, Handsome is as handsome does? Call it a day with him. You are separated with two DCs that doesn't mean you have to settle for this kind of rubbish.

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 21:48

I text him to tell him of all my insecurities about him, why hes taking his fone everywhere, ect ect....he said the night he was on his fone alot he was checking bets ( which is true cause i knew he made bets) I told him i hate liars had it all my life. He said hes not lieing to me, he loves me im all he wants and he cant wait to marry me.

What am i supposed to do, he says all the right things, but they're only words!!

OP posts:
mansize · 31/03/2014 22:19

Ask to look at his phone and his Internet history. If he's innocent, there won't be any dating site stuff on there. And he won't mind you looking.

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 22:40

I have thought about that but i really dont want to
!! id rather be a bitch and sneak a look without him knowing, he has told me the pin to his fone..x

OP posts:
Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 22:43

I just dont understand it though, he is a man with no baggage, he does family things with us, he loves my kids and puts up with their whinging, and he wants to move in....why would he stay with me even after ive told him I have trust issues and i have baggage, if he was cheating or not happy, wouldnt he have just said, yeah your right im seeing someone else?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 22:52

So you still believe that someone mysteriously hacked his dating account and put up a new photo for the hell of it?

Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 22:54

You're obviously going to stay with him, but for heaven's sake take it slowly, don't move him in for a LONG time. Don't put your kids through the revolving door when you find proof of his cheating.

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 22:55

He said hed emailed his mum some photos of us and this was one of the pics he sent, he said he came off fb cause that kept getting hacked. I made up a fake profile and sent him a message, he vever replied and he hasnt been online...

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 22:57

Even without his intention to cheat...
He has a go at you about how you're obviously with someone else...
That is a MASSIVE red flag. It's such a cliché.
Please, whilst you think he's such a catch and so much better than you, you're in a dangerous place. Do NOT make any life decisions about him, do not marry him, or move in together.
Look up the Freedom Programme, and keep posting on here.
You think he's better than you, but he accuses you of being with other people then turns up drunk demanding sex.
BIG RED FLAGS.

Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 23:00

Did you read my post above when I said go on the dating thread on here, and ask the 100s of posters whether they've ever had random photos of themselves appear on dating sites after hacking? It's bullshit.

You sound like you're going to stay with him - so keep your eyes open, and don't make any life changing decisions. Just date him. How can you feel "so in love" with someone who thinks it's OK to accuse you of sleeping with someone else?

Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 23:01

I dont understand how him accusing me is a red flag??! Why would he say that if hes cheating?? or have i just answered my own question!!?
x

OP posts:
Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 23:03

could just be lust, not love??

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/03/2014 23:09

I have t been in this situation, so you need to keep posting here for advice from those who have.
But here's some reasons why he might accuse you of cheating:

  • he is himself, so he assumes everyone is like that, so you must be
  • he knows damn well you're not, but it's a great way of threatening you to toe the line because it sounds like he wants you to himself, and oh, he cares about you do much, and he has "trust issues" so he's just like you and you understand him and can fix him...

It is a red flag because genuinely nice boyfriends do not try to control who their girlfriends see, or accuse them of infidelity with no reason
See how he keeps bringing up some guy you spoke to online, over again? Why?

Just keep your wits about you, and get done advice on here from women who know more of this that me.

I'd just say: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

That's not "trust issues". You know something isn't right here. You love him, yet he makes you feel sick with worry, seems absolutely obsessed with infidelity (yours, his workmates, his friends...) he gets drunk and doesn't apologise, he can't even say that he loves you seriously.
Why don't you think you're worth a man who is better than him? He really don't sound all that. He sounds like an arse, frankly.

And he's lying about the hacking.

mumatwork999 · 31/03/2014 23:35

twoofakind I would say this guy has a heap of emotional baggage to do with women and relationships. Do you really want to invite him into your DCs lives? I wouldn't. You and your DC are worth a whole lot more, honey.