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Original poster

Trust Issues

152 replies

twoofakind · 31/03/2014 13:35

Hello all.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We met on a dating website, I thought he was way out of my league....looks wise! he is spits of Ryan Reynolds!! Anyway, we hit it off and things seem to be going well, ish!

He is a medic in the army, all his team are married but are also cheating on their wifes....he says to me he hates cheats and would never do it. But i remember asking him before if he has cheated and he said yes, a friend of mine also said he cheated on a girl just before meeting me, he swears he didnt.

Ive told him how I feel, that he can do better than me ( i am a separated wife with 2 young children, he has no baggage!)

He says he loves me and im the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Hes talked about moving in with me too.

His best friend has just separated from his wife, saying he doesnt love her anymore, but I know hes cheating cause my bf told me. My bf says he doesnt want to get involved in their issues but he obvioulsly is.

Im just really paranoid that he is, not cheating, but just texting other women.
A couple weeks ago I found he had put a new picture up on his profile on this dating web we met on, I confronted him about it and he said his email must have been hacked.
I told him a few weeks ago that another guy id met online text me to see how i was doing, he wasnt happy about this and brings it up now and again. He went on a night out on Saturday and at 3 in the morning rang me...drunk...we couldnt make out what each other was saying, he ended up putting the fone down on me then sending me a text saying ' clearly your with someone else, it doesnt matter'

He ended up coming back to mine later on, he was rather drunk! He wanted sex but i refused, he didnt moan, just passed out! He didnt apologise the day after.

When he comes he is really strange with his fone too, he takes it to the toilet with him, has a pin on it which he never use to.

Maybe im just being paranoid. i dont know. I love him so much, and he says the same, alhough he isnt the kind for lovey dovey so he doesnt say it in a serious way.

I dont know what to think at all.

I text him and he doesnt reply for hours!

Im sick of feeling like this everyday, wondering what hes doing, if he is texting someone else. Its not fair on me or him, I dont know whether to tell him how im feeling still.??

OP posts:
Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 20:00

Things that have happened in my past, nothing to do with this post.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 03/04/2014 20:04

Things in your past which has made you mistrustful of others, affecting the present and future...

Cabrinha · 03/04/2014 20:15

Bitter? Thanks.

So tell a bitter old harpie this:
Do you really believe his photo was changed by a hacker, or have you decided to just accept the lie?

FWIW, my XH lied about sending an email and I always knew damn well that he was lying. In fact, in a counselling session I said "you are a liar. I am going to stay with you, but make no mistake - I know that you are lying".

So - I was stupid as anything for staying, but I wasn't stupid enough to believe "a mate sent it as a joke" (the mate seemingly making all my X's regular spelling mistakes...)

Are you stupid enough to think it was a hacker? Or just accepting the lie because you don't want to split up?

And nice backtracking on the shouting at your daughter. So now he doesn't shout. What about favouring your son? Does that happen? Cos that's a good reason to end it too- so you'll need to change your mind on that one.

Please love - I'm being cruel to be kind. Just - as you're staying with him KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

And STOP him shouting at your daughter, and favouring your son.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 20:16

No. Like I said, nothing to dowith this post or anyone.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 03/04/2014 20:21

In this case I think your right to be wary. You might be better to acknowledge the real reasons for it , ie the site , his lack of presence in the week , rather than saying you've got trust issues. Not a single person on this thread has said they would trust him.

I agree with others who says you've got esteem issues. When someone is emotionally unhealthy they tend to attract others with a similar emotional health.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 20:30

I am going to be cautious with him. Im also going to get some personal help like someone on here suggested. I dont know whether I should tell him or not?? I was on a waiting list for help, but for a bereavement, not the sort I need at this moment in time. Its a long process to get the help i need, a long waiting list. I was diagnosed with severe depression last year in which I took medication for. Im not on the meds anymore, i was weaned off them, but the current situation and other things happening this year has pushed me back. To be honest, this relationship im in ( if you can call it that!!) is a small drop in the ocean compared to what else is happening. Maybe im just trying to forget the rest!

OP posts:
Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 20:34

And you can probably tell for me posting that my moods quickly go up and down!! Sorry about that. Bipolar comes to mind!!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 03/04/2014 20:36

I'm sorry you have other problems.
If this man was an oasis amongst that I'd say good luck to you.
But he's not - his behaviour has caused you to post in here.
He is not going to do your depression any good at all.
It sounds like you're desperately trying to hold on to one thing you are trying to persuade yourself is good.
Stop putting effort into this idiot, and put it into caring for yourself.
The time you spend watching his play sport each week could be time for YOU. A support group, reading self help books, seeing a counsellor, relaxing, making progress with your other problems...
He's bringing you down.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 20:38

Should I tell him I want to get help??

OP posts:
Littlefish · 03/04/2014 20:40

No, you should tell him that the relationship isn't working and that you don't want him to contact you again.

Then, you should seek counselling for your self esteem issues.

badbaldingballerina123 · 03/04/2014 20:43

No don't tell him , it's very personal.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 20:44

Ok.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 03/04/2014 20:49

Why is your first thought to confide in someone that you see only at weekends?

You need to stand on your own two feet. Honestly he has honed in on your vulnerability and the more you expose your fears and vulnerabilities to him the more he will exploit them.

Try and see this as your chance to be strong and independent in your own right. Think of it as a mini self-esteem building exercise. You seem dead set on seeing this guy but just try and see him as a guy you hang out with and not as the dreamy husband and father that I think you're longing for.

As another poster suggested how about reading a self-help book or two, especially while you're waiting for counselling? Some of them are cringeworthy but some are terrific. Go and sit in a bookshop and look through some self-esteem/confidence building ones to find one that works for you. There are probably loads of good websites too.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 21:14

I will do. Thanks for your suggestions.. Never thought about reading a book on it, to be honest never knew there was any.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 21:19

Bitter woman here

Have a look on this website

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 21:49

Thanks.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 03/04/2014 21:53

AF that site is going to be life changing for me! I'm seriously considering therapy again and I can totally understand my own feelings just be reading a few paragraphs there. When you're in those feelings they are very difficult to articulate. I shall scoop out the leftover rubbish inside myself on my next self esteem journey.

Sex and man free five years here and I can finally say my dreaming of having a man is over. I can start to live for me.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 21:58

It's a great site.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 22:10

He does seem emotionally unavailable, never talks about things. he is a closed book.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 22:13

so you will stop asking awkward questions ?

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 22:15

haha! sorry!

OP posts:
teenybash7 · 03/04/2014 23:00

Just one observation - it's a damn sight easier to get into a relationship than out of it. Tread carefully & I hope things go well for you, whatever you decide.

Now looking at AF's site. (Her name is a bit scary, but she's one of the goodies on MN, I think.)

TheLegoIsAfterMyFeet · 03/04/2014 23:21

op Your own battles aside (which must be a lot to cope with) you really need to bin this bloke. He's exhibiting text book behaviour for your 'typical squaddie'. Telling you what you want to hear, keeping himself closed off (thats just the way he isHmm nope, just keeps you at arms length) and basically lieing to you. He talks about his friends cheating to cover up his own actions, its a diversion. but also build up your confidence when your with him, thinking 'i got the decent one out of the group'. Really? They are all cheating but he's not? Don't buy it. You know the photo is him doing it really. His info about work sounds off too. He's messing you about. I've seen so many women be treated the way you have been. You definitely don't need someone like him. Let him go play his games else where and concentrate on getting well.Thanks

Original poster
twoofakind · 07/04/2014 10:15

Well he came over this weekend. We had a chat. He proved his email was hacked. He assured me I am the only one he wants. He wasnt funny with his fone, every time he got a text he opened it while he was next to me, and hes also took the pin off his phone. Not while I was there, he must have took it off a bit ago.

OP posts:
bluehearted · 07/04/2014 10:38

How did he prove his account was hacked?

Glad all the others things were good though Grin