Trust Issues

[twoofakind]

Hello all.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We met on a dating website, I thought he was way out of my league....looks wise! he is spits of Ryan Reynolds!! Anyway, we hit it off and things seem to be going well, ish!

He is a medic in the army, all his team are married but are also cheating on their wifes....he says to me he hates cheats and would never do it. But i remember asking him before if he has cheated and he said yes, a friend of mine also said he cheated on a girl just before meeting me, he swears he didnt.

Ive told him how I feel, that he can do better than me ( i am a separated wife with 2 young children, he has no baggage!)

He says he loves me and im the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Hes talked about moving in with me too.

His best friend has just separated from his wife, saying he doesnt love her anymore, but I know hes cheating cause my bf told me. My bf says he doesnt want to get involved in their issues but he obvioulsly is.

Im just really paranoid that he is, not cheating, but just texting other women.
A couple weeks ago I found he had put a new picture up on his profile on this dating web we met on, I confronted him about it and he said his email must have been hacked.
I told him a few weeks ago that another guy id met online text me to see how i was doing, he wasnt happy about this and brings it up now and again. He went on a night out on Saturday and at 3 in the morning rang me...drunk...we couldnt make out what each other was saying, he ended up putting the fone down on me then sending me a text saying ' clearly your with someone else, it doesnt matter'

He ended up coming back to mine later on, he was rather drunk! He wanted sex but i refused, he didnt moan, just passed out! He didnt apologise the day after.

When he comes he is really strange with his fone too, he takes it to the toilet with him, has a pin on it which he never use to.

Maybe im just being paranoid. i dont know. I love him so much, and he says the same, alhough he isnt the kind for lovey dovey so he doesnt say it in a serious way.

I dont know what to think at all.

I text him and he doesnt reply for hours!

Im sick of feeling like this everyday, wondering what hes doing, if he is texting someone else. Its not fair on me or him, I dont know whether to tell him how im feeling still.??

I told him how im feeling about things, how I cant trust people, i hate liars.
He replied with i am not lieing, i love you, your the one i want to marry. we are amazing together have lots in common and we make each other laugh. why would I want to cheat on you?

Twoofakind, you've had lots of advice from the wise women of this board, it's up to you whether you listen to it because at the end of the day, only you truly know your relationship.

For what it's worth, a lot of men in the army tend to "rush" relationships, things do tend to happen quickly for some men, especially those who have been deployed. You just have to make sure that you do what's right for you and as there are children involved, you have to be extra careful.

Fingers in ears

He wants to get a pug ? This is how you measure the man ?

Deary me

He's too good for and you think he is fabulous because he "puts up with your whinging kids" ?
Not a great basis for a relationship, but not nearly as bad as your clear desperation to stay with this bloke no matter how dodgy his behaviour

Thanks for all your advice ladies....im signing off now. im taking your advice and keeping it close to my heart. Im gonna see how it goes with him for the next few weeks, im gonna hold off moving him in and suggest to step back and start going on dates again. Il report back and maybe il be with him or maybe il be getting alot of i told you so's either way il keep you updated.

And as for Anyfucker, with a name like that, im not gonna take any advice from you....sorry!

Two you sound desperately insecure and naïve, and incredibly needy. And I think this guy may be taking advantage of you. He's already moving stuff into your place, ie a potential cocklodger. Bluehearted is right, you've had a lot of good advice on this thread, and it all seems pretty unanimous. Most guys who harp on about how much they detest cheating are often the worst culprits, its easy to say you hate something, isn't it. Words are just words, actions mean so much more. You say you are sick of feeling so insecure everyday, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship. That's what you need to ask yourself.

twoofakind if you are an insecure person through previous sad experience, posting here for thoughts was a good idea. (And in spite of her name AnyFucker is usually very wise about relationships).

We can only go by what you tell us:
Im sick of feeling like this everyday, wondering what hes doing, if he is texting someone else. Its not fair on me or him.

More recently you quote him as saying:
i love you, your the one i want to marry. we are amazing together have lots in common and we make each other laugh. why would I want to cheat on you?

If he is genuine then you have nothing to worry about. I'm happy when someone who's expressed doubts returns later and says you know what? it all worked out fine for us.

Maybe as well as holding back on moving in together (which will be a big adjustment for your DCs) try and see him interact with his family and friends, watch how he acts around your network, and see how confident and loved up he makes you feel.

And most importantly check his attitudes to your DCs, not just when they're bright and sparky but when they're moany or tired.

I hope things work out for you.

You really should, love

My children are nearly 2 and little girl is 3. He seems to favour to my boy but My little girl is very testing at the minute and is throwing alot of tantrums which is hard. He does shout at her, not in a nasty way, just to show her she cant get away with things just cause hes here. He plays with them both. He said to me he understands why my little boy cries but not the little girl, i told him shes dioing it for attention, its normal at 3. He seems to understand that. To be honest if i was seeing someone who i wasnt really serious with i wouldnt stick around with screaming kids! im suprised he has done! Ive not yet met his family, or him mine. He is very shy, like me. He loves bringing me to his hockey matches and parties and he does show me affection in public.

And Anyfucker, Im truly sorry for my words before, my head is seriously fucked up, I know the pug thing is silly! i guess im just trying to clutch at straws!

Hello, I'm a guy... and I think something isn't right here.

1. Not saying all army guys do this, but it is, as you already know, common for them to have affairs while away.

2. the picture thing - what a load of bollox. Lie.

3. the not replying to texts for hours thing - so sorry, that doesn't feel very nice, I know

No worries, love

Your head is fucked up because he is fucking it up

Wouldn't you be better to walk away from the situation and concentrate on being a stable, unfucked-up mummy for your children ?

One man is not worth this shit, seriously

FWIW, I have never said "I told you so" and there is a (relatively innocent) backstory to this username

And I was being sarcastic, a failing of mine and I am sorry too x

Smart people are sarcastic ;) x

Not really

OP, do you think he could be feathering his nest at your place ready to exit the Armed Forces ? Why is he rushing things ? You should both be taking it slowly when there are vulnerable little children involved.

Conversely, he could just be keeping you sweet while he continues to cast his net, as it were

Both of those scenarios are shit for you

i dont know. ive never been in this situation before. I am naive and have blinkers on most of the time i guess. He has his parents he can go live and he also has an house in Germany. Im certainly not gonna let him live here rent free, if he wants to live here he will have to pay his way. but im not even considering that now.

Is he paying anything at all now, bearing in mind he camps out at yours every weekend. Or does he use all your hot water, heating, food, get you doing his laundry etc etc ?

And i thinks its me who was rushing things to be honest. I just want a proper family unit, but I can see im being stupid.

I think you would be very sensible to slow it right down. You do not know this man at all after such a short time, there are some major red flags around his behaviour (read your thread again, they have all been pointed out to you) and for the sake of your kids you need to be in a much better place within yourself before you move some man so comprehensively into their world

and fgs, don't bring a pug into this situation

He gets the shopping in for the weekend, i do his washing, but i volunteered, he does his soldier ironing! he puts petrol in my car if needed, and he also bought the oil for it cause it was empty when he checked. My daughter wanted an hamster so we went out and he bought everything for her. If i asked he would deffo contribute, i just hate asking! x

You hate asking ? He relies on that, love. He shouldn't be poncing off a single mum with 2 kids.

he does pay his way though without me asking. He has ago at me for leaving the lights on all the time, saying it costs money! i never have to pay when we go out on a date, though I do insist on getting a few rounds in at the pub, i dont want to be a kept woman!

how you doing today, OP ?

Im ok thank you. Just waiting to see what the weekend brings. Hes been back to his normal self texting wise today, he went quiet for a few days but hes just been handed over a new job, he told me today, his first days gone well. Hes got a job where he'll be working on his own, getting kit ready for training camps ect. He said he likes working on his own, he has ocd, so its the perfect job for him! I tend to think negatively most of time, ive done it most of my life, just because ive never seem to have any luck! Im certainly going to keep my eyes open and not let him mug me off. When he comes this weekend im just gonna let him come to me. And im gonna suggest we slow things down and start going on dates again, cause we seem to have moulded into a married couple already, after 5 months! Just doesnt seem right after such a short length of time.