Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trust Issues

152 replies

twoofakind · 31/03/2014 13:35

Hello all.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We met on a dating website, I thought he was way out of my league....looks wise! he is spits of Ryan Reynolds!! Anyway, we hit it off and things seem to be going well, ish!

He is a medic in the army, all his team are married but are also cheating on their wifes....he says to me he hates cheats and would never do it. But i remember asking him before if he has cheated and he said yes, a friend of mine also said he cheated on a girl just before meeting me, he swears he didnt.

Ive told him how I feel, that he can do better than me ( i am a separated wife with 2 young children, he has no baggage!)

He says he loves me and im the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Hes talked about moving in with me too.

His best friend has just separated from his wife, saying he doesnt love her anymore, but I know hes cheating cause my bf told me. My bf says he doesnt want to get involved in their issues but he obvioulsly is.

Im just really paranoid that he is, not cheating, but just texting other women.
A couple weeks ago I found he had put a new picture up on his profile on this dating web we met on, I confronted him about it and he said his email must have been hacked.
I told him a few weeks ago that another guy id met online text me to see how i was doing, he wasnt happy about this and brings it up now and again. He went on a night out on Saturday and at 3 in the morning rang me...drunk...we couldnt make out what each other was saying, he ended up putting the fone down on me then sending me a text saying ' clearly your with someone else, it doesnt matter'

He ended up coming back to mine later on, he was rather drunk! He wanted sex but i refused, he didnt moan, just passed out! He didnt apologise the day after.

When he comes he is really strange with his fone too, he takes it to the toilet with him, has a pin on it which he never use to.

Maybe im just being paranoid. i dont know. I love him so much, and he says the same, alhough he isnt the kind for lovey dovey so he doesnt say it in a serious way.

I dont know what to think at all.

I text him and he doesnt reply for hours!

Im sick of feeling like this everyday, wondering what hes doing, if he is texting someone else. Its not fair on me or him, I dont know whether to tell him how im feeling still.??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 20:57

This is true. Good luck. Keep your wits about you and start thinking with your brain instead of your hormones Smile

I would also make sure you get a look at his phone, but that's just me...

Original poster
twoofakind · 02/04/2014 21:01

Il try, but hes smart so i bet he'l delete any evidence!!
Thanks.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 21:02

Ugh. What a way to live Sad

Original poster
twoofakind · 02/04/2014 22:41

???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 22:56

To have zero trust in someone ? To be aware at some level he has something to hide and that you are powerless to prove it.

You are as powerless as you make yourself

Thetallesttower · 02/04/2014 23:04

I got to the bit where he shouts at your dd and prefers your son and I'm sorry but you are making a massive mistake. How could you? This man shouldn't be shouting at anyone- you are the parent, he's not their dad, you must protect them from big shouty men! Don't kid yourself he's just disciplining her- he's asserting his authority over them like he does over you.

No-one but no-one except me shouts at my children (ok their dad does too very occasionally). He is not their dad. You are running away with the family fantasy but the reality is that he's pushy, lining up to live with you and shouts at your children already in the guise of discipline. Please please get to know him a bit better.

My bet is that if you back off a bit and say you just want to date, he'll turn nasty and show his true self and accuse you of cheating.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, you sound a lovely person but a tiny bit vulnerable. You need to protect your children in this situation.

Cabrinha · 02/04/2014 23:06

I already posted about him lying about the dating site photo. Have you asked on the dating thread here, as I suggested, whether anyone there has EVER had their account hacked and a new photo OF THEM put up?

But leave the cheating aside...

HE SHOUTS AT YOUR 3 YEAR OLD.

I'll say it again.

HE SHOUTS AT YOUR 3 YEAR OLD.

I appreciate that people parent differently, I never shout, my friend who is an amazing mother does.

But I can tell you this - sure as fuck no boyfriend of 5 months would be still my boyfriend if they were shouting at my baby.

Cabrinha · 02/04/2014 23:10

Cross post with thetallesttower
Absolutely agree with you!

I don't shout at my child but I know some parents do. And I think that's OK - when they are the parent and the child feels loved by them generally. After 5 months (and that's if he met her straight away?) she doesn't have the security of loving him. Disciplining is NOT his role.

Why are you so desperate for this relationship that you'll accept him cheating and shouting at your child, and favouring another?

There are decent men out there. And being single is a better option too.

Twinklestein · 03/04/2014 09:51

I tend to think negatively most of time, ive done it most of my life, just because ive never seem to have any luck!

This is the nub, right here. You think negatively about yourself, don't value yourself highly enough. You seem amazed that this guy likes you at all. Of course he likes you, you sound like a nice person, and I'm sure you're good mum. This is man is not too good for you, as you appear to believe, but not good enough. You've put him on a pedestal and decided to turn a blind eye to all the obvious bullshit and problems. Please don't let the fantasy of a happy family blind you to the reality of what you're involved in, and don't sacrifice the happiness of your children (shouting at a 3 year old is not on) for a dream that won't come true. This guy has targeted you because he can see that you're vulnerable and perhaps a bit naive.

You talk about luck, but there's no such thing as bad luck in relationships only bad choices, and if this is man is representative of choices you have made in the past, I can see how you may have had bad experiences.

I would suggest you get some counselling to tackle your low self esteem and discover your self worth. You deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 12:15

he doesnt shout at her, just sort of tells her off if she hits her brother or does something naughty if im not their. If im in the room and shes naughty he leaves it for me to discipline her. And don't thing im saying he only shouts at her beacuse im not in the room, i can be in the room sometimes but ive not seen whats happened. I have asked many of my friends and family advice on whether I should allow him to discipline her if needed, and they all agreed it is best for the kids so they know boundaries Say I never had him discipline her and she just walked all over him, and this relationship did work out and he does end up moving in, and i say right you can start to discipline her now. What would she think?? This man who was fine with her and has now moved into her home has started shouting at her all of a sudden! she would feel like hes moved in and shes being pushed out. Please, dont under estimate me...yeah I am vulnerable but ive had that much shit in my life that I know how to deal with it. Yes this situation does look bad to outsiders, but ive no hard evidence to prove anything and so i am not going to just end what could be a good thing just on possibilities, and from the advice of a few, possibly bitter, women. Although I am going to keep the advice and come back to it, only I know this relationship and how he is REALLY being, you've never met him, you've not seen how brilliant he is with my children, how much he adores them. If he is really that bad, why would he bother with them, why would he suggest family outings? All small things I know, but they mean alot to me.My children come first before everything, and he knows this.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 03/04/2014 13:07

I can't for the life of me work out why you posted. Was it to hear how marvellous this man is? Your last post clearly states you know how great he is and how in control you are and how bitter some of us are so quite why you've wasted the last few days posting is beyond me.

I can only conclude that you don't like hearing what you know deep down.

BreakingDad77 · 03/04/2014 13:46

"you've not seen how brilliant he is with my children, how much he adores them. If he is really that bad, why would he bother with them, why would he suggest family outings?"

I guess you don't realise how far some guys will go to for a shag. I hope you don't get hurt but this has too much drama already and your only six months in.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 14:01

A few bitter women, huh

Cheers for that

OneMoreChap · 03/04/2014 15:14

Not a bitter woman.
Not a woman at all.

Not really a very nice chap you have chosen, unfortunately.
Generally, if someone's hiding a phone, they have something to hide...
Some "hacker" changed his photo...

Nah, he's dodgy.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 16:42

He doesnt hide his phone! he took it to the toilet a few times, but what man doesnt when they need some lateral reading! More offen than not he leaves his fone next to me. Yes he has a pin, but I know it,and the reason he has a pin is because i told him to cause my kids always grabs his fone, didnt mention that in the original post i dont think though, so my apologies for that.
Yes a hacker....ive give him the chance today to tell me the truth, told him it doesnt matter if hes chatted online, but i just want the truth. He said I got the truth. Hes not been online since i found it, he said he doesnt know the login details anymore to delete it cause of the hacker.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 03/04/2014 18:03

Hacker my arse. He's not nasa .

Clearly he'd been on the site. Maybe he was just looking , maybe he likes to chat , or maybe he's keeping his options open , who knows.

I'd focus on what you do know
. His friends are cheaters. That would be a big deal for me. I don't associate with cheaters and I don't expect my dp too.

He's cheated previously , and your friend says he's also cheated with someone else.

There's no need to take your phone to the bog , he can check bets in front of you. This one speaks for itself.He was doing something wrong on it.

Half an hour's drive isn't expensive. Why doesn't he see you during the week ? My dp has walked half hour through snow drifts to see me , and vice versa.

I don't agree with him shouting or disciplining your daughter. At this time he's just a visitor to your house. Do you let other visitors discipline her ?

The bitter comment was a bit much . These people have kindly given up their time to help you.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 18:18

He doesnt see me during the week cause he has work early in the morning. He likes his space, and i respect that. Im busy with the kids through the week and i dont expect him to come. when I have asked him to come through the week he has done!

And I wouldnt expect him to walk 3 hours in a blizzard to come to and see me, and i wouldnt walk to his either!....congratulations to you and your dp, you deserve medals!

OP posts:
Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 18:20

and just to add, its his army team thats the cheats, not his mates he hangs about with, to be honest he never goes out!

OP posts:
SoleSource · 03/04/2014 18:31

He is a cheat, therefore liar.

LTB

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 18:35

how is he a cheat??

OP posts:
kidsndogs · 03/04/2014 18:36

hackers don't change your photos they pinch your bank account details, and it's a bit off getting all defensive when you posted on here looking for opinions. Sometimes they are a bit brutal on here but at least it's honest and most of it from personal experience.

SoleSource · 03/04/2014 18:37

Oh yes, my mistake. Naughty hacker.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 18:39

Maybe this hacker is a bitter ex, a silly mate?? who knows? maybe he is bulshitting, but hes not used the account since ive seen it, and even before i confronted him about it.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 03/04/2014 18:40

Is there currently a blizzard ? I thought he had a car and lives just 30 min away ?

Regarding your sarcastic tone , it's no wonder he doesn't want to see you in the week , I wouldn't either. But congratulations to you too on your insecurity and bad attitude. Good luck with that.

Original poster
twoofakind · 03/04/2014 18:46

Haha! he gets my sarcasm! hes just as bad. And if he came to mine just once through the week it would cost him £30 in petrol! That money could be saved toward something better. And yeah, if he loved me money wouldnt matter, but ive told him not to waste petrol coming to mine for one night when the money could go toward a nice weekend together, or a meal.

OP posts: