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Original poster

Trust Issues

152 replies

twoofakind · 31/03/2014 13:35

Hello all.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. We met on a dating website, I thought he was way out of my league....looks wise! he is spits of Ryan Reynolds!! Anyway, we hit it off and things seem to be going well, ish!

He is a medic in the army, all his team are married but are also cheating on their wifes....he says to me he hates cheats and would never do it. But i remember asking him before if he has cheated and he said yes, a friend of mine also said he cheated on a girl just before meeting me, he swears he didnt.

Ive told him how I feel, that he can do better than me ( i am a separated wife with 2 young children, he has no baggage!)

He says he loves me and im the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Hes talked about moving in with me too.

His best friend has just separated from his wife, saying he doesnt love her anymore, but I know hes cheating cause my bf told me. My bf says he doesnt want to get involved in their issues but he obvioulsly is.

Im just really paranoid that he is, not cheating, but just texting other women.
A couple weeks ago I found he had put a new picture up on his profile on this dating web we met on, I confronted him about it and he said his email must have been hacked.
I told him a few weeks ago that another guy id met online text me to see how i was doing, he wasnt happy about this and brings it up now and again. He went on a night out on Saturday and at 3 in the morning rang me...drunk...we couldnt make out what each other was saying, he ended up putting the fone down on me then sending me a text saying ' clearly your with someone else, it doesnt matter'

He ended up coming back to mine later on, he was rather drunk! He wanted sex but i refused, he didnt moan, just passed out! He didnt apologise the day after.

When he comes he is really strange with his fone too, he takes it to the toilet with him, has a pin on it which he never use to.

Maybe im just being paranoid. i dont know. I love him so much, and he says the same, alhough he isnt the kind for lovey dovey so he doesnt say it in a serious way.

I dont know what to think at all.

I text him and he doesnt reply for hours!

Im sick of feeling like this everyday, wondering what hes doing, if he is texting someone else. Its not fair on me or him, I dont know whether to tell him how im feeling still.??

OP posts:
Original poster
twoofakind · 31/03/2014 23:45

what is the freedom programme??

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2014 09:47

It's a course type of thing run by Women's Aid.
Go onto their website and look into it.
You can attend the classes or do it online.
It helps with your own self esteem but mainly (I believe) focusses on seeing abusive traits in men early on (i.e. Red Flags).

Accusing you of sleeping with someone else is a big red flag. He's trying to imply that you are someone who will sleep with any random as soon as his back is turned. I wouldn't want to be someone who accused me of cheating just a few months in.

This is usually done to detract from the fact that the other person (he) is actually doing exactly that.
It's insecurity from him because he is doing it, he thinks you are doing it.
The above isn't always the case he just be very very insecure.
But cheaters tend to accuse their partners to detract away from their indiscretions!

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 10:33

Im insecure, im worrying hes cheating, I have never accused him in a word, but i have ( sort of jokingly) said 'who are you texting at this time' I only see him at weekends, hes just changed his job role so he doesnt have to work away as much and has his evenings and weekends free. For all i know he has someone else during the week and me at weekends! My GUT instinct is he isnt cheating on me at the moment but he is keeping his eye open?? x

OP posts:
RedRaw · 01/04/2014 10:50

I totally relate to your situation, have been there, almost the same situation; separated with DCs, met online, military guy, told me very quickly I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. Then I sensed something changed, I suspected he was back online, eventually after posting a false profile on the dating website, he sent me a message, with his email details on them. He said his friend did it!! I foolishly stayed with him. He then went on to lie about contact with his ex fiancée,and eventually sexual texts. It was horrible. The thing is, it was so flattering thinking someone wanted to be with me.
So my advice is not to do what I did and give him more chances. The lack of trust will erode your confidence, at a time when you need to build it up. You can do better, don't settle for this. x

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 11:28

But what if hes generally telling the truth?? I dont want to end it on possibilities. x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2014 11:38

So you really think some random person logged onto his dating profile and uploaded a nicer picture of him and changed nothing else?

Seriously - you know this is not the case at all.
He's already turned up drunk at your home for sex.
He's already accused of cheated of him.
He doesn't bother texting back until he's good and ready.

Please re-read your posts on this thread.
You know what you have to do.
This guy is waving red flags high in the sky.
Run for hills!!!

And for sure - stop putting yourself down. He is probably someone who can tell you are like this and will play on it. Don't let him.
You deserve the best - we all do!

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 11:57

he never replied to the 'fake' messages i sent online to him...he never went on again. I know i must sound stupid to you,but i really need to think about what im doing. When hes with me hes fine....hes not a lovey dovey person, never has been. but he talks about the future alot, says he wants to leave the army so he dont have to be away from me, talks about getting a pug! hes slowly moving his things in to my house too, ive noticed!

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 01/04/2014 12:03

two you're coming across as desperate and as a woman who will cling on to someone, anyone, no matter what shit he throws at you. He's a waste of space who will abuse you for years to come and make you miserable. The thing is he knows you are wrapped around his finger now and will just toy with you.

Focus on honing your radar so you don't let twats like this into your life. Your priority should be setting your DCs a good relationship example not trying to make excuses for him.

YouAreMyRain · 01/04/2014 12:08

He's slowly moving his stuff in without asking? Sounds like a wannabe cocklodger.

He is no good. You are better off without him.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 01/04/2014 12:16

op how old is he?

Sounds like my BIL. He is n the medics and is due to leave at the end of this year. In the 18 years he has been married he has cheated every year but expects a heros welcome when he got back from Afghanistan - last April ..

He has had gf that wasn't aware of his wife and three kids.

Are you near his barracks ?

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 01/04/2014 12:18

By the way BIL was cought out on dating website and doesn't have a fb so he can't be traced.

He uses his brothers and fathers name when on the sites ,

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 12:18

half an hour from his camp...hes 27

OP posts:
Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 01/04/2014 12:19

Not BIL then .

Cut him off. He is no good.

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 12:23

we have talked about him moving in,,,, he says he wants to but is looking at his finances before he does.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 01/04/2014 13:13

You have known him for five months. He makes you feel insecure.

Do NOT move him in ffs! Don't do it to your kids.

Please listen to the wisdom on here.

(This thread is like watching a car crash in slow motion). Please listen to the wisdom on here.

CarryOnDancing · 01/04/2014 13:35

Why would either of you want to be with someone you actually feel has the ability to cheat? Can you not see how negatively you must view someone to think that and how disrespectful it is if there is nothing to suggest any infidelity? I couldn't be with someone who genuinely thought I was capable of that.

OP, you sound very needy emotionally and I think it's clear that the two of you don't have a mature relationship for whatever reason. You aren't emotionally connected or else you wouldn't be snooping, he wouldn't be requesting drunk sex etc.

Your post reads that you are relying on him for your self esteem. You are telling him you don't deserve him etc purely because you feel insecure in yourself and the relationship, so are requesting he tell you otherwise. It really isn't healthy to invest such responsibility in someone else. Especially when you don't know them so can't possibly know their motives.

I believe he's talking about others cheating (and admitting it himself with his ex) so that if need be he can later have excuses ready. For example he can dismiss it by telling you you are projecting and are expecting/looking for it because of what's going on around him.
Who choses to surround themselves with the type of people who cheat-and so many of them? That says something about his character!

You know he's keeping his feelers out as you've seen he's changed his profile picture. You know for an absolute fact that he did that. If you don't then honestly, your relationship doesn't stand a chance anyway as you are happy to be walked over and turn a blind eye at common sense for fear of being alone again.

5 months is nothing. I disagree with others, in some circumstances it's plenty of time to know someone is "the one". In your case things are already moving backwards so you need to be careful and start to protect yourself. 5 months is enough time to walk away if things aren't as you want. You don't need a specific reason.

This relationship can only work if you aren't fully reliant on him as an emotional crutch. You need to be confident in yourself and the option of being single in order to really see the cards he's playing here...he loves you and wants to move in but isn't. It's good that he isn't for your sake but that speaks volumes to me.

bluehearted · 01/04/2014 13:40

My dh is Army and if his camp is only half an hour away from you, why don't you see him during the week? They all get an early finish on a Friday, normally at 1230 and don't start till 1030 on a Monday, most weeks they have sports afternoon on a Wednesday. What I'm trying to get across is if he's only half an hour away from him, there's no excuse not to see him more during the week. Plus, all regiments, medics or regular army go on training exercises and will spend time away. Are you SURE he's army? The only reason I say this is because plenty men say they are in the army, been to afghan etc when actually they are lying.
I don't mean to scare you at all, I just don't get how he says he loves you so much but you don't see him during the week!! Thanks

RedRaw · 01/04/2014 13:51

OP, does he live on camp? How long does he have left to go in the army? Just wondering as you mentioned he moved stuff to yours.
Also the DCs, are they still little?
x

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 14:13

He comes to mine early on a friday and stays till monday morning....work starts at half 8am. He is working in the stores now so finishes early most days.

He lives on camp yeh, he has 18 years left, but is thinking about leaving before that.

Its expensive in petrol to come to mine through the week, he had a few days off last week were he stayed at mine and hes staying here during easter leave too.

And yes he is a medic in the army, hes shown me the pics.

OP posts:
bluehearted · 01/04/2014 14:22

That's good twoofakind, I had to make sure you were sure because I've seen girls get fooled plenty of times!

If you want to pm me about anything army please feel free!

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 14:26

Well i didnt know about the sports afternoon on a wednesday, is that for all army? I know they have pt most days. And thank you. x

OP posts:
bluehearted · 01/04/2014 14:44

Sports might not include medics, I don't know!

I sometimes feel uncomfortable because my dh works with a lot of single lads or with girlfriends and a lot of them do cheat... And he comes home with stories from work. But I'm lucky, I trust my dh completely and he doesn't go out drinking or anything, he's at work or at home with me and ds (and I'm pregnant again).

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 16:44

he comes home and tells me whos cheating and says how much he hates cheats. I just dont know what to think. i know reading back at my post it does sound fishy. but i am a very insecure person and i look for the smallest signs! x

OP posts:
BreakingDad77 · 01/04/2014 17:09

"When he comes he is really strange with his fone too, he takes it to the toilet with him, has a pin on it which he never use to"

RED FLAG!!!

Phones should be unlocked/know each others PINs etc.

Stats show guys who hang around with other guys that cheat are more likely to then guys who don't as they validating each others behavior.

Think you need to have a talk as to wether he actually thinks your are both exclusive or 'dating'

Original poster
twoofakind · 01/04/2014 17:12

Hes told me the pin to his phone. He says jokingly that we're past the dating stage!

OP posts:
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