The Dating Thread 72

[LizzieBelle]

Welcome

Hello I think it actually went something along the lines of the only way a man would want me was if he'd realised he couldn't have the woman he really wanted and was effectively settling for me. I've believed it in everything relationship I've ever had, and sometimes it's been proven to be true.

Folk...has he told you he loves you before?

Poff No. Well not really. He said it once when he was drunk but I just put it down to the 'drink talking' and ignored it. He said he loved me and that it was the first time he'd said it to someone in a very long time.

Jarlin I just don't know what to think. My 'love' issues are well documented on here.

Folk, I love that he's come back to you like that. IF you do work it out then at least you will both have your eyes wide open; that's no bad thing.

The biggest question is how you get him to understand this deep seated insecurity that you have (I call it "my demons") and just how deep-rooted it is.

My just-ex says he didn't realise how serious my inability to trust is and he wishes he'd known from the start. I told him, time and again but because I'm professionally successful and come across as confident etc I think he believed it was just a bit of attention-seeking lip service. By the time he'd realised how real this trust thing is we didn't recognise each other any more and the relationship just could not go forward.

Your man needs to get that it's a long-haul thing too - patting you on the back for a couple of weeks isn't going to work.

I wish you all luck and positive-thinking in the world.

folk
I really think you need to speak to him - not by text or email, in person. I think you need to tell him how you feel & hear what he has to say. As an outsider reading your posts, I think it's worth giving him a chance to explain... you're not obliged to believe him, but you have nothing to lose.

This sounds like a completely different scenario to mine Folk...pofguy didn't even respond to my text..8 months of a relationship and nothing.
It does sound like your guy is genuine to me. Why on earth would he bother otherwise? If he felt as you think he does, that you're not good enough, pretty enough etc why wouldn't he take this opportunity to finish things?
I know there are plenty of threads on here where partners beg and plead and go on to do the same thing again after the dust settles but for your guy to lay it on the table like that and risk having you tell him to bog off is quite a brave move after only 4 months together imo..
perhaps you could tell him you need a little space to think things through?

Poff That's what I want to believe too, but the My Mother's Daughter in me is telling me that it's intended to manipulate me and draw me in so that he can drop me from a great height when it suits him to do so. That's how fucked up it all is in my head.

He's just texted me again to say that he just wants to be clear that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. I so want to believe him!

Personally I would find it hard not to believe him Folk..
What happened with the pof scenario again? Remind me.

folk could you not let him explain himself to you. It does sound like he would like to. You don't have to believe him, but he may be genuine x

Folk He sounds genuine and truthful to me. The voices in your head, the ones that were put down by your mother and your ex, they are not genuine, they're not truthful. Don't throw it all away because of those incorrect inner voices. I'd suggest meeting up with him to discuss it all.

Jarlin Why do you think he won't stick around? And even if it ends, why would it be your fault it didn't work out? Anyway, you're still together at the moment aren't you, so why worry about something that hasn't yet happened? Have you heard from him since the weekend?

No news from me I'm afraid, although I can safely report that my hayfever was terrible yesterday .

I also think you should talk to him, folk.

I've written the opening of a book about online dating. It's going to be a guide, with some of my experiences thrown in. Mr Jaded (Friday date) is going to pass on his wisdom too.

Morning all has been a busy weekend.
folk we have talked about mothers before, would be great to erase the horrible things they say.
Update date with Mr Sensible on Friday was far better than expected. He was far better in the flesh than his profile, lovely dinner wine, we made each other laugh. ( oh and he is loaded ) I am bit embarrassed to admit he came back to mine and err well needless to say night of passion was had I am feeling a right tart now. He has texted me a few times over the weekend. Hope I have not ruined it by sleeping with him, wish I muster some self control sometimes. Oh and to make matters worse as he was leaving X happened to turn up to drop DS off, twas awkward. X is gutted

Hi All,

Folk I agree with others, I think he really likes you. Meeting every two weeks is not enough though to sustain a relationship.

I am still seeing Mr Contradiction but I have decided to keep my options open. I really like him but there are lots of problems...which I won't go into and some of it is my fault as well. I have though been talking to a lovely guy who is very funny, very keen and looking for a proper relationship. My gut says this guy has potential and my head says Mr Contradiction will never offer anything more than no strings fun...despite being romantic and talking about the future. But to him the future involves keeping it fresh, exciting and each of us being independent...which I think is code for commitmentphobe.

LBM - you're so right. I actually recoiled when I read "...keeping it fresh, exciting...being independent". I expect his only idea of a relationship will be an open one.

Folk - I'd do as I said earlier. Go through all your dating sites together (yours and his), if he thinks you're being suspicious etc then so what? If he values you this much he'll know (as I would) that you want to see it in black and white.

I'm not generally suspicious and I wouldn't normally suggest this but with the Match and the other site, it's obviously flagged up doubt in your mind and I think it's best to sort it out. But sit down and also have a talk with him about this.

Folk I think you want to believe this man is like a bad man as that would confirm all you believe to be true about men and yourself.

However from everything you have said I still think he sounds lovely and very genuine, so what if he looked on some random french site as long as he isn't messaging, meeting or seeing any other women I don't see a problem.

However you need to start believing in yourself and letting go of all the negative crap.

I text Smallfeet in the end ystd evening, got a message back. All seems o.kay, I am still undecided about how I feel about him but don't want to give up just yet.

Jarlin umm, was fun at the time but kind of wish I had more restraint. And feeling a bit bad about it. My X is suddenly so interested in me.

Got another date tonight, shall call this one Mr Musician, again completely not my unusual type Fwiw no matter how hot he is I am going to exercise some self control. Stay off the Red wine that should help lol

Folk, I would avoid demanding that he goes through sites with you, as suggested by Helloboys. The essential issue is your inability to see just how special you are (for understandable reasons) and not his behaviour. I really hope you manage to resolve this because it sounds as if you deserve to be in a loving and reciprocal relationship.

Folk I too think you should talk to him and talk this through - don't give up so easily

blossom he sounds lovely and why not go for it! If you enjoyed it he ho!

I told postie#1 that he lives too far away (it's an hours drive) and he was a bit too thin for me, I like them a bit chunkier

postie#2 is still texting, I've given him 2 possible days that we could meet but I have a feeling he may be a 'texter' and that's about it.

Talking to another guy who has only been on Tinder for a week, never done OLD before so he's a bit green!

It's all looking a bit bleak at the moment! Blossom seems to be the only one with any action!

Date on Wednesday! Out for a meal with his parents. He has mentioned me meeting his son in a couple of weeks but I don't know how I feel about that.

Oh it's going v well ofg!

Do talk to him, folk. I think he sounds sincere.

Making good progress with my online dating book. Really really getting on well with Mr Jaded. We chat every night. I hope we like each other on Friday.

We are meeting for lunch... x