The Dating Thread 72

[LizzieBelle]

Welcome

"I sort of feel a little bit as though if I'm this suspicious and untrusting, I have no place being in any sort of relationship with anyone anyway."

^^ this

It's why I'm so phenomenally sad. If the last guy couldn't/wouldn't help me navigate my trust issues despite me putting all my cards on the table I simply don't believe anyone can. I would give anything to be the woman I was before discovering XH's affair (hence my nickname on here) but I am the sum of my experiences and no am

Oops - ..,no amount of counselling can switch off my 'self-preservation/you're not fucking hurting me' response

before spot on. That's exactly where I am too. I just don't trust any man now & assume they are all lying cheats. I'm so sad. I can't see how I can ever get past it.

I've had a reply from him. He's really cross and said he's really sad, but doesn't want to be with an insecure person who spies on him anyway.

He's just sent another one. I think he misunderstood me because he's dumped me

I'm not going to reply.

Folk, I'm a longstanding lurker but reading your experience compelled me to write in. Now, I'm a naturally untrusting woman and therefore no pushover . But I think you've acted rashly and that you're about to throw away a chance of a relationship with a man who sounds genuinely into you. I don't believe his introducing you to his family, etc , is kind of 'game', which it has been referred to. Is it right that you've discovered that he's browsed a site ? But that he has no profile on it? I think it's perfectly plausible that he's browsed out of habit? Boredom? There doesn't seem to be any other indication that he's been duplicitous with you, other than your instinct. But your instinct could be purely your lack of trust in light of your previous relationships. All I'm saying is, don't allow your past to jeopardise future happiness. Talk to him.

Sorry - cross post

folk I'm really sorry to hear of everything that's been happening with you. I hope you are ok

jarlin so sorry to hear about your weekend not going so well. It's so disheartening, I feel tonight like there are no decent men around and very low but not really sure why

I'm worrying about things with Bricky again. It's because I really like him now and all sorts of anxieties are creeping in. Is he just seeing me but not thinking long term? Is he still on dating sites I don't know about, or even worse hook up sites?

My ex has made me paranoid that I'm going to get cheated on and I think some of the things I've read on mumsnet in general has made me feel that there are no decent men. I'm also feeling that once men have been on these dating sites they get hooked and it's just too tempting :(

Folk I'm so so sorry.

I think these relationship threads should be on the school curriculum. If it made one person think twice about abusing/lying to and cheating on another then it would be a good outcome.

Tbh Sammy it's been on my mind to end it for a while. I can't cope with it. He's attractive, well travelled, has been out with many beautiful women, he's confident and self assured and I'm none of those things. I was torturing myself daily and have done for the past 4-5 months. It was killing me and I can't cope with it.

I'm so sad but at the same time I feel a relief that I know will last longer than the tears.

Folk...so sorry. I thought similar to Sammy. He seems really into you. Maybe the french site was part of a pop up which he clicked on. I sometimes click on the ones yhat appear on FB even though Im not a member. I had a good nosey on Uniform dating when i was seeing number4. I had no intention of dating another. It was curiosity. As we got to know each other i deleted my pof profile and didnt look again. Its natural to be suspicious if we have had bad previous experiences. Ive been there. But this guy might be worth talking to about it. Maybe hes had a bad experience before too. I hope things work out positively. Hugs x

Sorry folk...cross post x

Is it normal to get a fight or flight reaction when you realise that you are really falling for someone? This is how I feel at the moment. Like I am going to end up in love with him and then he will realise that he can do better. And he really can do better as he is a lovely guy. He is open about his feelings about me and calls me his girlfriend to his family / friends. If he was making snide comments and digs about me I would find that more believable than the compliments. I never realised I was insecure like this and I think I could really mess up this relationship if I don't get a handle on it. He has been patient so far but has said he has no clue why I can't see myself as he does.

jarlin your place is secured

Folk, it sounds as if you didn't think you were worthy of him. You were. He saw something in you that he valued. You just need to see it yourself.

Folk it sounds to me like a very defensive response from him..I'd imagine he's embarrassed and trying to turn the blame on to you by insinuating you were spying on him..you know you weren't, that's all that matters. I wouldn't respond if I were you, you've said your piece and his response changes nothing..you may find he comes back with some sort of apology or explanation ( which I take it weren't in his emails)...you can decide then how to deal with it but my advice is not to get into some slanging match which will only create more pain.

No Sammy, I didn't think I was worthy.

And I guess I wasn't.

Insecure and spying?! Surely he knows your history and if he were decent he'd take that into account.

Also I'm not being funny but loads of women I know (and men) do the google search, just to check re married etc. you can find out a lot and if they've got nothing to hide (Kent Lads when I broke up was surprisingly normal hardly any dating sites) then there's nothing to worry about. In fact I think it's a sensible precaution in this day and age.

I personally think he's upset but you found him out. Tough luck.

No Poff he hasn't apologised. He hasn't really mentioned it other than to deny being on any dating sites and accusing me of spying. Lots of emotional stuff though about how important I was to him and how he was really beginning to feel that he was slowly building a deep relationship with me (some of it sounds a bit cheesy, but English isn't his first language)

I don't know. He could be completely genuine and heartbroken. Or he could be 'punishing' me by making me think I've thrown something special away. And maybe I have But there are plenty of posts on previous threads detailing the anguish I was feeling about it all. As I said upthread, he's lived all over the world and dated some beautiful women. How exactly could I, a pale and pasty single mum from England ever compete with some of the women/exgfs in his life? I can't. And I'd always feel inferior to them.

But either I was picking up on something I just wasn't aware of, or I'm not ready for a relationship. Either way... We're probably both better off

Folk you will find someone sadly he wasn't quite the right person.

Anyone who's even browsing in my mind is playing a dangerous game... Personally I think it's quite insensitive.

He must have an idea of your character. He should be more sensitive to your needs.

Hope you feel better soon and what your son said is very apt. You have lovely children and a lot to look forward to!

Take care. Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug.

Hello Yes he does know my history. He also knows something of the 'love' issue that I have.

I think he feels embarrassed that i've seen what he is doing.

But I did feel that I wasn't good enough for him. And that is what informed my earlier concerns.

To be honest, I find it very difficult to deal with emotions. Especially men's. My mother always told me that no man would ever want me and whilst I know that was just a horrible thing she said, it has stuck and I end up having quite violent thoughts to, and about, myself. (Not violent in a self harming way, just the way I feel about myself fills me with disgust and actually makes me feel sick).

jarlin why do you feel so unworthy?

I would at the very least suggest counselling and perhaps an assertiveness course.

To both you and Folk you are both lovely lovely women so kind and lots of other amazing qualities. I want to reach into my little spell bag and sprinkle some sort of fairy dust over you but that'd be a bit NMumsy wouldn't it?! Oops but I hope you get my gist both of you. group unmumsnetty hugs

Awww Folk I don't get men sometimes I really don't.

That was a horrible thing your mother told you! No wonder you have issues.

I'm now staving off a cold so in bed soon so will catch up tomorrow. Have a good nights sleep.

He's just texted to tell me that he misses me and still wants to be with me and that he loves me.

How do I know if it's real or not?

How do I know?